mine in '09

New Year's Eve....bah, humbug. Same ole, same ole every year. Peeps are all introspective, reflective, and anticipating the New Year, which is all good. Been There , Done That. Right now, I'm trying to drown out the whistling sounds from the heavy winds with the Har.ry Conn.ick Jr. CD that HLS left (which is THE bizness, btw). The online weather report said that the winds were strong enough to break tree limbs, knock down wires, and loose holiday decorations. So you KNOW that I got one eye on my computer and the other on my front yard, hoping to get some new decorations on that deep, DEEP discount.

Anyways...I'm keeping it low key this year. I hope to even be asleep.

But before I close, I'll leave ya'll with one thing that I plan to hold true to:

**clears throats**

I'm gon' get me "some" in the New Year.

Amen, goodnight, and holla!

(Mike, I need the cute term for the male equivalent to "power-u"...the back-blowing, mind-numbing, toe-curling kind. 'Preesh!)

Happy '09! Let's get it!

the men in my life

I'm in a weird mood tonight. I'm sportin' my doo rag, my ratty pink robe, AND my Os.car the Grouch hoodie...so it must be serious. Time to say goodbye to my Christ.mas colors: magenta, turquoise and lime. I drove my dad back to the airport around 6:30pm. His wife planned for him to go back to the N.O. before New Year's b/c she wasn't going to spend this year without him like last year. I invited both of them last year, but she made the decision to stay home b/c she wanted to spend Chris.tmas with baby Shan. My dad makes no secret about J being his favorite grandchild (without verbally saying so) and was quite fine with coming up here alone. His explanation for spoiling J is that his other grandkids have active dads, aunts and grandparents. J, on the other hand, just has me.

That is, he just has me until J's dad decides to show up. So HLS (Habitual Line Stepper) texted me earlier last week and said that he was driving up on Friday. Well, me knowing HLS the way that I do, I decided to not get J's hopes up...better to be a surprise than a disappointment. He actually followed through and came bearing gifts...for everybody. He brought J some games, a robot dinosaur, some Le.gos In.diana Jon.es stuff, and...wait for it...a pre-paid phone. I was actually shocked that none of that was accompanied with some story about his inability to make ends meet. But perhaps he had already gotten that out of the way during the week before. He then gives me a nightgown with Tink.erbell on it (which was cute) and gives my dad a straw, cowboy-like hat. I am my dad's child b/c we both looked at him like "why in the hell are you giving US gifts?" But I thanked him and kept it moving with little emotion. I don't need him to do anything for me, but he tries hard to impress. If he really wanted to impress me, then he should be a father to his child...not for my sake, but for J's.

The phone sparked some discussion, b/c IMO there is no reason for a 7 y/o to have a phone. So, I put some restrictions on that immediately. It can't/won't leave his room and he can only talk to his dad and his PawPaw on it. I told HLS that I have nothing to do with the phone and if he wanted J to keep it, he would have to maintain the account and put minutes on it. HLS left J's new phone number on my desk. I guess that I'm supposed to program his number, but I have no reason to call him when I can easily holler loud enough for him to hear me downstairs and when he's not with me, I should be able to reach him through some adult.

Anyway, J was on cloud nine...and didn't really care about the phone. It's very rare that he gets to experience this much testosterone within his 4 walls at one time. He didn't know who to play with. I decided that since it was Christ.mas that I would allow HLS to spend the night. I found it funny that my dad got in J's bottom bunk early that night, perhaps staking his claim. I quickly threw HLS a blanket, went upstairs, and closed my door. I can't be too nice b/c then he'll start thinking that we're close. I could care less about what's going on in his family (ESPECIALLY his mom who has made absolutely NO EFFORT to meet J), his job (unless it affects my child support), or whatever new body ache he has THIS week (dude used to always throw out his medical issues to gain sympathy and I used to fall for that mess in my stupid-er ages).

The next morning, I woke up to him cooking breakfast. I was on a mission to head to Pier On.e so that I could get those discounted Christ.mas ornaments.

HLS: Your breakfast is on the table.
Me: I'm heading down to the Pier O.ne.
HLS: You need to put something in your stomach first.
Me: **looking around to confirm that I was in my own home and that I was indeed a grown woman** I'm heading down to Pier On.e. If its still here when I get back, I'll eat then.

I think that the reason that I fell for him in the past had something to do with his constant fussing over me, nurturing and acting like the father figure that I always wanted. Not sure if I articulated that well but something like that but in a non-freakish way. He even noticed that the bruising around my ankles had disappeared and inquired of my current cholesterol levels. When he departed on Saturday, he left behind a book of poetry that he had written and 3 Christ.mas CDs (since my dad complained that I never played any Christ.mas music while he was here). I guess that he was trying to impress my dad as well, since they have never been the best of friends. Alcohol and gifts change things...at least for that moment.

Tonight, J and I had to say goodbye to my dad. J kept asking his PawPaw to change his ticket to the 1st. He couldn't. In a last ditch effort, J just asked that he stay an extra hour. Again, he couldn't. It was hard. No one barely said anything in the car.

My dad wasn't a great father and I never would've imagined that we'd get to this point after my shutting him out of my life for so many years. We got into it on a few occasions while he was here, but its interesting to see how easy we were able to rebound and resume our previous convos before the disagreement. He's a funny guy. He brags about cussing out his pastor, hearts the F-bomb, has yet to lose his Chatta.nooga twang, thinks that 'nam was the beginning of all of his "crazy" issues, ends almost every statement with "he'ah", farts and then waits for your face to contort, must have Crown within arm's reach, actually believes the women that tell him that he resembles Morr.is Chest.nut, can't hear worth a damn, will quickly impose his spiritual views on you and absolutely CANNOT agree to disagree...but he's my dad and to love him is to love all of that.

As for HLS...I was glad that he was able to carve out some time for J. I don't know how J will look upon his dad when he reaches my age. I just hope that he remembers this Christmas and how happy he was.

random holiday musings

My dad is really interesting after 3 shots of Patron.

I HATE 'hood clubs. Clubs, in general, were already treading on thin ice but I have gone to my LAST 'hood club tonight.

I'm thinking....maybe I am a bit "saddity".

A g/f in northern VA thinks that I'm turning "Goth" and asked if I was depressed.

I don't think that I am...I just happen to like black polish and thought black hair was a good idea until I had to get treated.

I was the good girl to men that preferred troubled girls. I feel as if I'm the troubled girl to the man that I want(ed)...who prefers good girls.

I officially give up.

I scored some Pier One ornaments on sale post-Christmas and put them on my tree as if they had been there all the time.

I have somehow become addicted to House during my time off...and I don't remember the last drama series that I actually cared about.

If you're having a party and request that the guests wear a certain color, it's pretty safe to say that I'm not coming. I am sure that that's what's hot on the streets now but I am not your party puppet.

Tee is now officially engaged...kinda proud that I had something to do with that.

I have upgraded some of my friends up here to extended family b/c they have shown me much love during this holiday season.

Peeps were in Linens 'N Things with a seriousness this weekend. I scored another huge frame for 7 bucks.

That 7 bucks was the only money that I spent on me this Christmas b/c I used my gift certificates from my bday to fund my Christmas ornaments and my cropped jeans.

I love to see this boy smile...and I'm glad that I sat back and let others break their bank to do it.

I kept explaining to him that he doesn't hit the lottery on the 25th of December and the reason for the season, blah, blah, blah...not sure if he cares.

Drinking marguaritas during my lunchbreak is not good business.

Sweet potato pie with melted ice cream; however, is.

I don't think that another man will love me the way that J's dad does.

That kinda sucks.

WTF is up with this weather?!

If that's not sexy, I don't know what is. THANKS FOR THE BLANKET, LEEZARUS!!!

My mammogram came back normal. I had no reason to believe otherwise.

I put my foot in some greens. Never thought that I'd say that.

I thought that I was ready for a friendship with old dude after talking to him one night...now, I'm not so sure and can't explain why.

I don't know too much of where I stand on a few things anymore.

My dad raked those leaves up. Yayyy!!!!

When I'm alone in my room, sometimes I stare at the wall, and in the back of my mind I hear my conscience call. Telling me I need a dude who's as sweet as a dove, for the first time in my life, I see I need love...

Or maybe a lil "lovin'".

makin' a list, checkin' it twice

Once again, my carriage turned back into a pumpkin. Which is fine. All of my horn tooting has subsided, lol. Rockin' the "silky" pink robe now (ratty pink one is out of commission for the moment) w/o a doo rag...tryin' to preserve the curls. Look at me, I'm relaxing all prissy now.

I'm on day 4 of these meds and it feels as if their starting to wear off. I'm going to hold out until tomorrow and see what happens. If I don't see anymore improvement, I will be bent over in the doctor's office by Wednesday, right cheek primed and ready for a shot. These daggone copays are adding up. Merry Christmas to me! I will finally get my mam.mogram on Friday. I always try to set my appointments towards the end of the day...until this woman said that I couldn't wear lotion, perfume, or deodorant. Needless to say, I had to sign up for the first train smoking b/c I refuse to walk around funky. She asked if I had implants, and although I know its procedure, I hadn't laughed that hard all day.

Saturday was fun, but Sunday was business...I was about my business. Although the Prez really likes "having me around", I need to be about mine for 2009. While on my Sunday night date...watching Rata.touille, sharing MY recliner and MY blanket, and eating stale Nilla wafers with the kid...I thought that it would be nice for us to do more artsy type things since J is a lot like me. I put him in this drama class afterschool (that of course, I have to pay for b/c cultural enrichment is not free). He has been doing really well and his teacher said that she always wants to give him the big parts b/c he's good at memorizing his lines. Go figure. He can't seem to remember what math page to study or to bring his jacket or library book home or to run to homeplate before just walking off into the dugout, but he can memorize some lines. He loves drawing and building things and I noticed that when struck with an idea, he loses focus on tv until he puts it to paper...like I used to do. So while surfing online, I found a FREE Saturday morning art program that he and I can take together at the local visual arts center. I emailed the director this morning to check February registration, so hopefully, she gets back with me and we'll secure 2 spots. And if I grow some balls and my bank account, I'll finally take those figure drawing classes over next summer while my baby is back home. I hate that I lost touch with what was once my passion, but I hope to get back to my roots in 2009. I feel as if it will lead me to somewhere...don't know exactly where, but somewhere close to home.

I keep wondering if interior design is something that I'd like to try my hand at. That statement was totally random, but the jury is still out.

Another goal of mine for the New Year (also requiring much testicular fortitude) is to start investing in stocks in January. One of my books had me so intrigued that I was up reading until almost 2 am. I come from a family of some of THE worst money managers. It seems that my cuz and I are the only ones working hard at being good stewards and trying to make ends to leave to our children's children. And its not as if we hadn't screwed up our finances before, its just that we've learned from those experiences. And seeing as how I wasn't as smart as Kim Por.ter to at least get impregnated by someone with money, I guess that I'll have to look for other means at stacking my own. My prayer is for substantial growth over the long term.

And lastly, I need a will. I have been putting this off for some time. I have life insurance policies and learned some legal mumbo jumbo but if something happens tomorrow without any directives, I just see myself leaving a huge mess behind. That needs to be taken care of ASAP.

All of these random thoughts are partially inspired by my increased stress level, frustration, and drama on the job. But I guess the method of motivation doesn't matter as long as it propels me towards my dreams...or reminds me of those deferred.

Have you made any goals for 2009?

I'm a little bit cocky, I'm a little bit rock 'n roll

I went, I saw, I conquered. Moreso...I went, scanned the room, and couldn't find the competition. Not bad for someone who was bent over in the doctor's office begging for a shot just yesterday. When we're full of ourselves, my baby boy J and I always imitate Joh.n Ce.na and wave four fingers to the face, look real crazy, and say, "You can't see ME!" Let me tell ya, that statement was appropriate tonight.

I had been slowing around all day, b/c I wasn't sure how washing my hair 5 times in one week was going to work for me. I popped 4 more tablets and just went for it. I thought about roller-wrapping it and keeping it straight but again, I'm sure that I got a bit of new growth that needed to be camouflaged by curls. I never missed the severe N.O. humidity until tonight b/c I was trying everything to make these bammas fall.

After I finished doing my hair, I went out to the mall to look for those daggone accessories that I neglected to get. Have I ever mentioned that I hate malls? Or that I don't like shopping? OK, now add to it that I forgot that this was December and that folk are going crazy 'round this time of year. It was my worst nightmare...feeling as if I had gotten caught up in a super-sized Wal-Mart. I race J around this outdoorsy-fancy mall in the cold and then head over to Kat's.

As promised, J brought his Wii and I ordered them a pizza and attempted to finish getting ready. I just couldn't get it together fast enough. Let me first say that Kat was my fairy godmother. That girl took care of me and J. She earned her spot in the girlfriend hall of fame. Kat pressed my dress and poked new holes in the straps of my stilettos so that they would wrap around my ankle more securely. She picked my polish color for my toes and just raced around the house to make sure that I had everything that I needed. And STILL managed to play J's baseball game. Seriously, that chick is amazing and came through like a G.

I arrived at the spot MORE than fashionably late, which was ok b/c my last word to my friends was that I wasn't going. I was happy to see some of the people that were laid off on Monday. I mean, it wouldn't have been me but I was happy to see them there...and drinking. Anyways, when I walked through the door, someone needed to wipe me down b/c I was on! Fugg a date.

Matter of fact, I may never go with a date again and mingle as I please. I am one of the more humble people that you'll meet on blog but I'm not ashamed to say that the "gorgeous" word was thrown around quite a bit, lol. The only problem was those damn shoes. Ya know, it was nice being 5'7" for a night...but uh...I don't need all that air up there. They are a size 8 if anybody wants them and can work them. My plan was minimized to taking pictures, eating, and throwing the deuce...which sucked b/c I love to dance. While chilling at the table, my girl tapped me on the knee and said, "I KNOW you're gonna get out there like you always do." I reply, "Naw, I'm just gon' chi..."

**Beat drops...voice whispers, "shu.ffle...cupid shu.ffle"**

DAYUM! My girls up here know that if the Cup.id Shu.ffle comes on, I drop convos, put down drinks, purses, and whatnot and get out there and line dance with the best of 'em. Hell, on my birthday I paused in mid-hurl 'cuz I heard it over the bathroom speakers and proceeded to drunkenly cupid shuffle in the stall. I'm SERIOUS about my game...I got my shuffle game tight, lol. I had a decision to make. I decided that I had to represent the dirty, dirty and would sacrifice my feet to ensure that there was no bastardization of the shuffle. You must respect and honor the shuffle.

Originally, there were about 4 people out there. I got on the floor and the bees started swarming around my honey. It all went downhill from there. Some cha cha slides and EWF covers later, I had forgotten the initial plan and lost track of time. However, my feet knew exactly what time it was. But whenever I tried to ease up off the floor, I got pulled back in. My boy Matt, who had 2 dates to choose from, wouldn't take no for an answer. So I had to give in. And then, I tried to do some spin and sneak off move when the next song came on and ended up near Promance, who was currently dancing with his date. He ignored her and then grabbed me really tight and well, I was held captive. He had been begging me all night, so I had to comply. Once that song was over, I THOUGHT that I was in the clear. And THEN, as that "Unchained Melody" song came on from Ghost, I ran right into the Prez.

Prez: I thought that you said that you weren't coming.
LB: I was able to score another babysitter.
Prez: Well, do you have a dance partner?
LB: No.
Prez: Well you do now.


This man starts swinging me almost off my feet and I had to tell him that I had on some pretty tall shoes so he needed to take it easy with me. He says,

"Well, I guess that means that I just have to hold you tighter."


Mental note: review Professional Conduct Booklet on Monday.

The company kept all 3 of the brown sugar girls in the office...I'm starting to wonder the real reason why, lol.

Anyways, it was a wonderful night and I'm glad that I went. I didn't stick to the plan and stayed much longer than intended but oh well. Some plans are made to be changed b/c you gotta give the people what they want.

** four fingers to the face..."You can't see ME!!!"**


I've been awake for 30 minutes or so. I look like hell. I feel like hell. And I'm staring at these stilettos on the floor, wondering who in the hell is going to walk around in those. Mayne, if it weren't considered uncivilized, I would surely rock some Nikes with this here gold dress. But I digress...I didn't go out and buy a purse to coordinate with my 'fit or those chandelier earrings that S30 suggested.

I guess that I had been searching for every excuse to NOT go to this Holiday Gala tonight. And for a minute, every sign led up to my thinking that God was saying "don't go"...I know, I tend to put words in God's mouth often, but complain when I can't hear (or won't listen to) Him speaking to me, lol.

I asked my cuz if she would babysit for me. She hit me with the "let me check with my husband" line (which usually is the stimulus to my involuntary eye roll) and I just dismissed the whole idea altogether. (Probably reason #38875456 why I would not make a good wife). She later told me that they had a birthday party that HE wanted to go to but that they would probably go early and leave early. So, there was a chance that I could pass through my party a little late. My response, "Don't worry about it. I'm not in the business of inconveniencing folk," and I let it be.

Then the layoffs happened, which made me an emotional wreck. I kept thinking, "How would it look if I'm out celebrating while my friends are out of a job?" I walked past the Prez in the hallway the other day and he asked me if I were going to the Gala. I shook my head and told him that I didn't have a babysitter and he swatted in the air as if I were giving him a dumb excuse. That man is always hounding me right before every event. I understand that its business, but the company just let go of 40 people. Why in the hell is he worried about me?

There was already the matter of the "no date" thing, which I had gotten past with the help of the collective guilt trips spun forth by my friends.

And lastly, I dyed my hair last Monday. I mentioned in Monday's post that I was a tiny bit allergic to hair dye. Well "tiny" was a misnomer. I used to dye my hair all kinds of colors while in high school and college. Somewhere along the line, I developed an allergy to it and discovered this a little over 5 years ago. My hair didn't fall out...and its sad to say that if I had to choose between my arm and my hair at the time, well, I would be doing the single-arm cabbage patch for the rest of my life. Instead I had to suffer the irritation of my scalp, neck, and ears. I ended up having to get a shot and it was a wonderful thing. Since then, I have gone to the hairdresser and have had my hair highlighted and colored with no problem, so I thought that I may be in the cool. I hadn't dyed my hair in a long time so I picked up a rinse. Cool was not the case. The allergic reaction set in on Tuesday. I called the doctor repeatedly on Wednesday, lymph nodes a-swelling by then, and got an afternoon appointment for Friday. In the mean time, I self-medicated with every form of Bena.dryl that I could find. I begged this man for a shot as if he were my pusher. No dice. He gave me an oral steroid, some cream, and sent me on my way. I swallowed six pills last night and laid it down. And now, I'm up...looking like stir-fried crap but I actually feel a little better. A little loopy, but better. My lymph nodes are straight now. Needless to say, when this mess washes out, I will be a dirty brown-haired girl until I gray gracefully. Tee said to me, "For what its worth, that black sure is pretty." For what its worth? Yep, not a dayum thing.

So I'm sitting here. Mad at myself b/c I didn't successfully modify my birth control and am now on my cycle, headached and annoyed. Kat had offered to babysit (under the condition that J brings his Wii) 2 days ago, b/c she wants me to go and celebrate the fact that I do have a job. I'm gonna have to wash my hair for the 4th time this week and figure out what in the world I'm going to do to it. So I guess that means that I'm going, but I won't stay long...and I can't drink. I'll figure out the accessorizing thing later.

tastes like chicken

"OK, mommy said that I could have pumpkin pie if I eat this. Can't be THAT bad."

"Hmmmm. I dunno. This is not what I thought."

"Ya know, seriously, something is not right with this."

"Holy Crap! Am I on Fear Facto.r?! Punk'd??? I think that I have to change my draws. Wth is in this stuff???!"

"Woman, I'll kill you if you make me eat this crap again! You best sleep with one eye open tonight!"

young & restless

I cannot sleep. I haven't had one of these nights in a while. Normally, I'm fighting to keep my eyes open until 10 PM. But now every raindrop that bangs against my roof tonight is adding to my annoyance. My appetite is in spurts and I've lost interest in tv. Mentally, I have been a wreck. Yes, I have been spending the past 3 weeks researching potential opportunities and calculating how long I would need to find a new job before my savings ran out. That is, in the event that I lost my current one. Which I didn't. So, I SHOULD be able to sleep like a baby. I still don't have job security but I think that I'll feel that way no matter where I work. I think that I'm mad and I'm unsure if I'm able to articulate why. I guess its that I work so hard, SO HARD...and I'm dependent upon the chips that someone else throws at me. I'm not even sure if I started my own business what it would be. I'm not even sure if its worth the headache when I'd prefer to spend my time doing other things. And then I think about health insurance and explaining "self-employed" on taxes and loan applications. Believe it or not, I keep saying and feeling as if one day, I'm going to wake up rich. But not b/c I help advance the partners of my company to posh lives...b/c of some good investment decision or some random huge windfall or some invention or some hustle. Right now, me and JJ are living well. He's to the point where he says that he only wants to go back home to the N.O. over the summer to be with his PawPaw, but the rest of the year he HAS to stay in VA. That means I'm doing something right, right? We're good. But I don't think that my mom or I worked hard as hell to be just "good". This has just been messing with my mind lately. I'm sure that none of this made sense but maybe I have gotten too comfortable.

the aftermath

I have been having this lingering headache, but today was better...for me, anyways. I have work...and now, even more of it. The 4 empty desks across the hall from me confirmed that yesterday was real. I called my best girlfriend in northern VA last night. I told her what happened and listed those, who she had either heard of or met, that were let go. She said, "I bet you're not that sad to see Jesse leave." I can say that when I cried yesterday, it was a mixture of anger, relief, shock, confusion, and sadness. None of it was Jesse. But that's not to say that I didn't feel bad for him. He's a single father with full custody of his kid so my heart still went out to him.

As I watched him pack his things, I debated on whether or not I should say something. Although it has been hard to look at a man that has hurt me in the past almost everyday, I had to learn to separate my personal feelings from business. Eventually, I got enough nerve to walk over to him and extend my hand. He grabbed it, leaned in, and embraced me. Surprisingly, I wasn't uncomfortable. It was almost as if everything that has been left unsaid was expressed at that moment. He whispered, "I need you to hold down the fort over here." Maybe that was code. Regardless, I was mute. I grinned and walked away. That was business.

My other partings were more sentimental. I now own 2 more plants from the guy that I used to do lunch Bi.ble Study with and Goth Girl's hard hat with the "Ni.ne In.ch Nails" logo on the back. I texted her all day today and I was still cracking on her as if she were standing by my desk. My boy (the one with the non-working wife and 2 kids), on the other hand, probably needs a little more time. I texted him and within his first response he said that his home phone got cut off. I'm thinking...you JUST got laid off yesterday. That kinda tells me where he stands financially, but I guess that I knew that already.

So while answering random email inquiries from people that saw my inability to control my emotions yesterday, I look up to see my supervisor staring back at me. He motions with his finger to follow him. At this point, I'm trying to not even think a cuss word b/c I know that it'll only be a matter of time before it slips out. As we're walking he says, "This is not bad at all. It's actually good, so this walk doesn't have to be that long." He then asked me if I was feeling better. I said that I was. When we arrive at his office, he pulls out this letter. I can no longer hear him talking b/c I'm staring at the number that is my bonus! Insert heart back into chest.

Lord knows that I am grateful to have my job. They could've kept my bonus, but uh, I grabbed that letter and ran off like I stole something. So here's what I've been thinking...

I got a little change. Should I:

a. Put it towards my credit card debt? I only use one cc and this money would pay up to 85% of it off.
b. Put it in my savings account? The only problem that I have with this is that the interest rate on my savings account is not as high as it is on my cc.
c. Divvy it up? Put some towards my cc and the remainder towards my savings.
d. Invest in stock while its cheap? I have a couple of mutual funds and my 401K, but I know nothing about investing in stocks. I've been trying to read up on it but don't feel secure about making good decisions.
e. Buy that flat screen tv that I want for my bedroom and blow the rest on stuff that my kid won't play with in a month?

OK, so obviously (e) is not really an option and never really my style. I do want that tv but I don't need it. And the kid is already programmed to know that PawPaw is in charge of spoilage. But out of the other 4...and this is to anyone who cares to respond...what would you recommend?


So in my last post, I mentioned that today may be Doomsday. I was very productive this weekend. I worked for 12 hours, read, bought a couple of books on investing in the stock market and one on careers, bought some low-budget gifts for the little one, did some emotional decorating, and dyed my hair black (I'm a tiny bit allergic to hair dye, but I took a chance on a change). Of course, I was trying to keep my mind occupied.

The Prez said in his email to us on Friday that we were having another office-wide meeting between 9 and 10 am on today. He also said that he didn't know what time exactly, so everyone just had to make sure that they were at work by 9 am. I arrived around 8:50 AM. When I walked in, it was so quiet that you could here a pin drop. People were scared to talk to each other and were blankly staring at their computers, awaiting their destiny. 9:10, nothing. 9:20, not a peep. 9:30, gulps heard across the office as peeps swallowed their anxiety meds. While gathering drawings, I look up and see the head of the interior design dept. ask the chick behind me and the one across from me to come with her. I didn't think anything of it. When I got up to plot some drawings, I overheard the electrical engineering head ask the guy next to me and the one behind me to follow him. And that's when I realized that this so-called office-wide meeting was happening right then. I hurry back to my desk and then I see my supervisor come up the stairs. I had reasoned that if it were my time to go, then that meant that God had something better for me. However, when I saw this man come up the stairs, he doubled as the Grim Reaper and I could not take my eyes off of him. He walked over to Jesse's desk and motioned for him and his friend. They went downstairs.

Then my supervisor came BACK and got the dude that I'm closest to...the one that taught me most of what I know...my church partnah. That's when I got confused. I then thought that maybe they were randomly calling people. Shortly after that, the Prez gets on the intercom and requests that everyone go to the gym for a short meeting. Once we got there and stood in silence, he begins reading his script. "If you recall from our first meeting, I mentioned that we would reduce staff. Well, if you are standing in this room then you have survived the layoffs." Immediately, I look around to see if any of my friends were there with me. I see Tee, Promance, a few others. But it is then confirmed that my boy was not in that number and neither was Goth Girl.

I don't know how to describe this moment. Simply put, I lost it...standing there crying like an idiot b/c 2 of my best friends did not make the cut. I was the one walking around stressed for the past 3 weeks and they were the ones confidently calming me down. Now, Goth Girl was planning on moving in the beginning of '09, so I reasoned that they probably chose her b/c of that. My boy, on the other hand, just boggles my mind. I immediately thought of his family: his non-working wife, his 14-yr. old and 4-month old daughters. We worked on a lot of projects together and had bonded like brother and sister. While this other guy, who I believe they're paying a high price for him to screw up projects, is still on the payroll. I don't understand what their judging criteria was, but maybe its just not meant for me to understand. Not now. My supervisor saw me crying and asked if I were alright. All I could do was nod. I couldn't even look him in his eye.

The Prez said that there were no other planned layoffs and we should rest easy.

My head has been hurting, my stomach has been in knots. I should be relieved, shouldn't I?


New Year's is approaching. I can't believe that 2008 has come and gone so quickly. I don't ever make resolutions, b/c come Jan. 5th all of 'em will be looking for me. I can only strive to be a better woman/mother/daughter/friend/engineer and take the lessons that I've learned over the past year and apply them. But while under self-scrutiny, I decided to start making changes now.

1. Career: After my company dropped the bomb in the middle of last month, it sparked much introspection. I have done some researching and have since found that other architectural-engineering firms in the area have been giving the same speeches to their employees and hiring freezes are the norm. Well, the prez has requested another meeting on Monday. Again, there is much speculation that Monday is Doomsday. I'm to the point where there is just not enough worry left in me. If it happens, it happens. I have already been knocked down a few times in life. I may lay there for a second, but eventually I come up swinging. I enjoy what I do, but if this is God's way of nudging me in the right direction, then all I can do is look forward to next season's blessings. If that's still in engineering, then my goal is to get my PE license next year and do my own hustle.

2. Love: All that I can truly promise is to keep an open mind.

3. Vices: I have become more and more raw by the day; yet, I've always known how unladylike cussing is. It's hard, b/c I think that its my #1 vice. But I have been feeling so convicted that I just can't stand it. We'll see how long this lasts, but I need to be better at controlling my tongue.

4. Spirituality: I have been struggling in this area over the past year and I'm positive that God wants more from me. I've been feeling as if I've been at a crossroads and have no idea which direction to choose. I need to increase my presence both inside and outside the church. Reading, praying, and speaking life.

5. Finances: I have been pretty steady in this area, but I want a "Travel Fund" so that I can afford to go back home as much as I want to and wherever else my heart desires. Of course, I want to save more but I still have some debt to climb. But again, I am pretty diligent with this and still foresee my student loans being paid off by June 2011.

6. Motherhood: I love my lil man, but I can stand to be more patient with him. And maybe I should work on his crawling into bed with me every night. I just want to hold tight to his youth, but it's probably time to let go. That's my baby though.

7. Reading: Do better.

8. Health: By the looks of my ankles, I think that I'm doing well. I have not had my follow-up blood test yet, but I believe that some of the diet changes have paid off. We'll see. There's always room for improvement.

on simmer

I'm just stepping on the scene to say this: Watch out for your so-called "friends", man. I have reason to believe that this broad that was so adamant about me leaving this one dude alone, at some point, was kinda feeling him. I don't know if this is still true now. I suspected it before, but didn't trust my own intuition. I think that I have finally confirmed it tonight. There really is no reason to trip, since I'm not currently dating the dude and her barking in my ear wasn't the reason that I stopped seeing him, but dayum. It just reminds me that I need to think harder on people's motives and agendas.

a break from "smurfy"

I was about to write another comment, but I decided to make it a quick post instead. First things first...I'm not a small d*ck snob. The extreme on the other side of the spectrum is just as uncomfortable. But if that's what a guy is working with, then cool. If you want to know something about me...my breasts could stand to be bigger and are not as perky as they used to be pre-pregnancy. They were gorgeous during pregnancy and even sexier when I was engorged (although hard as a rock) and I used to love to hit people with the profile. But after breast-feeding, things went downhill quickly. But I'm happy with them...as I am with the rest of my body. And I haven't heard any complaints.

My momma had the kind of breasts that has gotten us free food on several occasions. Now, do I think that I can stroll up in an IHOP and get a free stuffed french toast combo with mine? As much as that would make my mornings, nope. So ok, I know this. You can't tell me that this guy (in his 31 years of life) hasn't been in enough bathrooms, locker rooms, or hasn't seen enough porn to know that he is sub-standard. Quite frankly, there aren't enough actresses in the world that could make him think that he was hurting something. So, the fact that he whipped it out, as if he were about to tame me with it, was a bit confusing.

My f*cking around with the wrong guy (literally) has cost me in the past. I have fallen asleep DURING the act, to which I never heard the end of it. I missed a great commercial once b/c everything happened so quickly...and I was HOT about it. And probably the worst thing that a guy can hear as the sweat is beading on his forehead is "Are you even in?" Yep, I asked that once and the answer was affirmative.

So now, I just try to minimize the discomfort for both parties. If I can help it, I just refuse to get up MAD. Like I said, although his being sub-standard was not the whole reason why I decided to NOT go there with him, it was enough for me to be bored with his attempts at trying to hit after that. It's like that little bitty dog that barks loud on your block, named King, that you look at like "you ain't gon' do sh*t."

I guess that the take-home message is this...if Newsguy had actually tried to date me and get to know me, he stood a better chance at my not making a big deal about him being small. I would actually respect him and work with him. But since he was acting an a$$, well, it only made me angry enough to state that. Once you get to liking a person and later thinking that you're all in "luh", those things don't matter so much. And if the guy reciprocates those feelings then he's about pleasing you. He'll be into a little coaching and creative alternatives. In the midst of the act, I'm not thinking about how he lacks the equipment to tie my fallopian tubes or nudge my ovaries. I'm more caught up in the sensuality of it all. And surely in my older age, I have learned how to help myself out, if it comes down to it.

So no, I wouldn't throw back a good catch but I'm not trying to catch everything that a dude just throws at me either.

And now that you've gotten to know too much about me, back to our regularly scheduled "smurfy" (Leezie, 2008) program...

pre-game commentator

OK, this post may need a new category called TMI.

I like a little 'ish talk. And there are some times when this is more than appropriate. For example:

1. After scoring 25 aka "Christ.mas" during a game of bones (dominoes), whenever a trump is introduced during a game of spades or in the midst of whippin' a$$ in Mor.tal Combat. In fact, it is an unwritten rule for the latter 2.
2. In battle rap, but not all that materialistic "iced out, doin' donuts and poppin' bottles" bull.
3. Cooking skills...being my favorite kind of 'ish talk from men.
4. "Yo maw" jokes on the playground back in the day.
5. Whenever your partnah's team gets their a$$ handed to 'em by your team (in whatever sport).

But I hate it...absolutely abhor it...when dudes talk all kinds of 'ish about their prowess in the bedroom pre-penetration. I can handle a freak but not a braggart. For the life of me, I just cannot figure out the point. Be it a pleasant surprise or a quiet disappointment, I don't need the pre-game commentation. Unless I've experienced toe-curlage with the dude before, his mic is turned off.

I'm ranting b/c Newsguy, perhaps in a bored state of mind, kept texting me nonsense today...straight trashy in the A.M. And here I thought that if you igged a person enough, then they would get the hint. Guess what made him stop? Tonight I sent:

LB: "Yes, I'm a hot piece so I don't blame you. But u want ure cake and to 'eat it 2'. Here's the news at 10, I'm overqualified for the 'eat it 2' position."
Newsguy: "Hahahahaha. I'm pullin' ure hand off my face."
LB: "Holla at me when ure ready to take me to dinner."

I guess that he read that and thought "murder she wrote", b/c my phone hasn't made a sound since. I figured that digging in his pocket would shut him up. But here's the thing...Newsguy was talkin' much $exual 'ish from jump. So when I finally let him cross my threshhold on my day off, I was kinda curious amongst other things.

In that post I wrote, "...some things happened...NOT EVERYTHING...". Well, what I'm about to say was not the trump card, but again, here's the news at 10.

Never brag on your endowment, if you masturbate with only 2 fingers and a thumb.