young & restless

I cannot sleep. I haven't had one of these nights in a while. Normally, I'm fighting to keep my eyes open until 10 PM. But now every raindrop that bangs against my roof tonight is adding to my annoyance. My appetite is in spurts and I've lost interest in tv. Mentally, I have been a wreck. Yes, I have been spending the past 3 weeks researching potential opportunities and calculating how long I would need to find a new job before my savings ran out. That is, in the event that I lost my current one. Which I didn't. So, I SHOULD be able to sleep like a baby. I still don't have job security but I think that I'll feel that way no matter where I work. I think that I'm mad and I'm unsure if I'm able to articulate why. I guess its that I work so hard, SO HARD...and I'm dependent upon the chips that someone else throws at me. I'm not even sure if I started my own business what it would be. I'm not even sure if its worth the headache when I'd prefer to spend my time doing other things. And then I think about health insurance and explaining "self-employed" on taxes and loan applications. Believe it or not, I keep saying and feeling as if one day, I'm going to wake up rich. But not b/c I help advance the partners of my company to posh lives...b/c of some good investment decision or some random huge windfall or some invention or some hustle. Right now, me and JJ are living well. He's to the point where he says that he only wants to go back home to the N.O. over the summer to be with his PawPaw, but the rest of the year he HAS to stay in VA. That means I'm doing something right, right? We're good. But I don't think that my mom or I worked hard as hell to be just "good". This has just been messing with my mind lately. I'm sure that none of this made sense but maybe I have gotten too comfortable.