anxiety

When I reviewed my bank statement, I noticed that the Board cashed my registration check last week. And so it begins. They have since sent me a “take-home” exam, on regs and statutes, to be returned to them as part of my application. A passing score on this is required to receive my license. This wasn’t even the last thing that I read before I fell asleep, but last night I had a dream (or nightmare) that I went in to the test site.

I walked in and saw other people that I know. A chick that I was in In.roads with, a dude that I met recently (who is also an engineer), and “ole dude” (another engineer). I didn’t speak to any of them b/c I was focused on my game. I received the test, reviewed it, completed it, with time left to spare. I turned it in and then went bowling with the In.roads chick in the hallway, as I waited for the results. Yeah…the bowling part seems odd. The proctor came to the door with a list. We all froze and waited for him to call our names, confirming that we had passed.

He shook his head, as his finger went down the piece of paper.

He said, “Well, everyone failed, except…”

I stood there, repeating my name to myself, willing him to say it. Finally, he calls me out. I was in mid-Hallelujah when he says,

“But since she misspelled her own name, we’re going to have to throw out her scores.”

WTF???

I.had.a.tantrum.

I started arguing and crying, knocking stuff off the desks…and then I woke up.

Test anxiety, much???

I do not test well. And then it doesn’t help that everyone that I poll (with the exception of 1 or 2) failed the test the first try. I asked the dude that I met recently if he had any tips or materials that I could borrow to prep for the exam. He told me that he had yet to pass the E.I.T. and then asked me for tips on that. I took that test the fall before my graduation. I was absolutely shocked when I passed. The only tip that I COULD give was pray. All of my study materials were washed away in 2005.

To say that I’m scared is an understatement.

I’m not that confident in my experience. After I graduated, I turned down a job offer in TX to be in love, play house, and stay at home with my baby J for a year and a half. And then entered the workforce, only for a natural disaster to take my place of business out after I had been there for 2 years. I move up here. Finally, I find another job after 6 months, only to discover that I hated it after 9. I emailed a contact that I made (my former supervisor) and started working at my last firm. I saw increase, received stellar performance evaluations, and then I was downsized after 2 and a half years. I twiddled my thumbs for 4 months (although I got the opportunity to go back home 3 times), and now I’m on month 3 of my stint at the new place. For someone like me…someone with such a spotty history…to be offered an interview is a blessing. But one thing that I can say, if I get the interview, then I get the job offer. I need to take whatever attitude that I take into those conference rooms into my exam site. Maybe it’s easier for me to convince others of my capabilities than it is to convince myself.

No one in my department is licensed nor is my immediate supervisor. The director of my department has a license, but I only intend on talking to him about reimbursements and other options. Aside from that, I would like to keep all of this under wraps, b/c (1) I don't know if I'm going to pass and (2) I don't want anyone thinking that I'm trying to phase them out. This has become more of a personal goal, than simply a professional one.

At any rate, I completed the “take-home” this morning and mailed it off at lunch. And now, I’m just waiting for the Board to give me the “ok” to sit for the exam.

Prayerfully, all goes well, but I don’t know if I can take 5 months of bad dreams.

one word

For some reason, there is one word that is constantly repeated in my spirit and, unfortunately, I am unable to shake it.

Humility.

I have been struggling with my spirituality for the past couple of years. Now, that's not an open door for someone to just walk through and sling some verses or Christ.ian cliches at me. I own a Bible. I recall verses.

In all honesty, my view of God lately, has been that He's inconsistent. There are certain areas in my life where I feel that He truly has His hand on the situation. There are times when He's carried me through storms, while I was ignorant of its severity. But there are other times when I feel as if I'm fighting alone and waiting on Him to ring the bell...or that I've screwed up so bad that He's just thrown His hands in the air.

I am well aware of His goodness. He has certainly shown Himself to me this year and every year. I'm just trying to organize my thoughts.

So there's a verse in Revelations...3:15, in reference to being neither cold or hot. I have been feeling lukewarm. I used to have a fire. Since it flickered, my faith has been sinusoidal. B/C of this, I sometimes feel as if I don't have the rights to anything. Yet, at the same time, I get mad...as if I believe that God owes me SOMETHING.

Maybe this is where the humility comes in. I can't turn a corner without my blessings in sight, but I focus more on what I haven't gotten an answer to or what has yet to be resolved.

the funny things about face.book

While reading this blog, I was brought back to those negative emotions that I displayed on here towards J's dad. He was actually my friend on FB, b/c it was convenient. I wasn't about to mail a picture of J, so he had access to J's photo album and could puff his chest out and act as if he's been some big help while looking through the pics, I guess. Well after my angry post last week, I clicked my mouse so hard that I almost broke it when I defriended him. I'm laughing about it now b/c I'm tickled with the things that we do on face.book...and how serious it's gotten.

I joined a little over a year ago...under duress, lol. My girlfriend set up my account and then "friend"ed herself. Not too long after, it seems that every person that I may have even glanced at in high school were sending friend requests. And then there were those people that I really had to think long and hard as to how I knew them. Soon my mysp.ace addiction was satiated and I was on to something new. There are a lot of things that I like about the site, but there are also things that I can do without. I'm going in...

1. I can do without the hug requests, smile requests, or any of those other "cutesie" requests. I'm still scratching my head over the point of it all, but to each his own.

2. I do not play Mafi.a Wa.rs, Fa.rmville, Sor.ority Li.fe, etc. If there's any way to control MY not receiving a request, I would greatly appreciate it. I REALLY could do without them. Please and thank you.

3. I can do without the undercover brothers. When I post a pic or update my status, instead of commenting below it like everyone else, they wanna shoo-shoo over email. This would be fine if the emails didn't say, "Girl, you got me thinking some things..." Yeah, I'm thinking some things too...like, "How's the wife and kids?"

4. I can do without the status messages that try to police other people's status messages. Let them do them and you do you. The "Hide" button has been a close friend of mine...but then you have to wonder. If I'm hiding them, why am I friends with them?

5. I said #4 but people DO lack sense these days. I can REALLY do without the status messages that allude to your getting or having just got "some". You sir, are a lame.

6. I can do without the friend requests after I comment on a mutual friend's page. No...you are their friend. We have never met. (This doesn't apply to bloggers that I frequent but have never met...I welcome you all.)

7. I can do without being tagged on EVERY doggone picture that I am in. I have de-tagged myself for a reason. Or worse yet, someone that's not even IN the picture, will tag me b/c...it was such a gross mistake for me to NOT be tagged. Please mind yurn!

8. I like how one friend of mine, who met J's dad through me, was friends with him on FB long before I even knew that he had an account. And then is all up in his photo album, commenting on pics of J, talking 'bout how J looks just like him...blah, blah, blah. Say word? So ya'll cool like that??? Please note that I'm looking at you real crazy right now...and am wondering if I can do without you.

9. I can really do without the jacked-up face.book "upgrades". Do us all a favor and just leave well enough alone.

10. I am currently doing without the "Honesty Box"...but I am open to someone explaining why they like them and if someone ever said something juicy in their box...and did a torrid affair ensue? Just curious.

Any more???