Lately, I have been going through the motions. Can't say that I'm depressed necessarily...I just haven't felt like myself. I was looking through some old pictures and came across this dance photo from when I was 5 years old.
I did ballet, tap, and gymnastics for about 7 years. There are (maybe) 5 other professional photos like that one, some looking as if I were about to step off the dance stage and accept my dozen roses and tiara on the pageant runway. I loved dancing, but then I just decided that I wanted my afternoons to myself and that was that.
I'm sure that it may have been easier on my mom's pockets when I quit, but maybe she wanted to see how far I could go.
I don't want to push J to do anything that he doesn't want to do, but every time he draws something or throws something that he built over my loft railing to see if it'll fly, I just want to encourage the artistic side of him. Especially since my mom could draw really well and that gift was discarded. And then I used to dabble in drawing, painting, and building and now....nada.
J did tae kwon do for 2 years and then decided that it wasn't for him. I wanted him to keep going (b/c I thought that he looked so cute in his uniform) but oh well. Now, he's in love with his drama class...oh, and if I ever tried to take baseball away from him, it will be the equivalent to cutting off his left arm. He's finally old enough to play basketball for his school, so that's something else that we're looking forward to in January. And of course, his most recent activity is cub scouts. I also signed us up for more FREE Saturday morning art classes at the local visual arts museum since we enjoyed the previous ones so much.
This is all fine and good, but I NEED something. Something separate and apart from J. Problem is, I have no idea what that is. I used to do karate and only advanced one belt, I think, before I quit. I probably stuck around THAT long b/c my instructor was kinda hot. I have no idea what race he was but he was just so bronzed and beautiful...and lethally sexy. Anyway, I used to do kickboxing and enjoyed getting all of my aggression out on the bag. That was great...the counter-productive part was when me and my g/f would walk right across the street to this greasy spoon and get these huge stacked burgers, onion rings, and the thickest milkshakes in town. Yeah, it was like going to the "Pe.ach Pit" b/c the owner knew us...and our workout clothes.
I can't explain it...I feel as if I'm shrinking. I work my schedule around J's and I'm not complaining b/c that's my job. But there's more to me than just being a mom. I'm not talking about hanging out at the club or anything b/c I could never go to a club again and be fine with that. And I'm not talking about companionship b/c that need is currently being met as well. I just want something to call my own...something that's not going to cost me an arm, a leg, and a pancreas b/c my money is tied up in J's activities as it is. Something that I can look forward to going to or doing.
I don't know what it is, but I NEED.