a night out with Je.sse

**Sigh** I thought that I would be eligible for a Platinum Oldgirl card in about a year or 2, but after last night, my application would be denied...in fact, I don't even think that the Oldgirl Board of Directors would even deliberate as long as Tyra and 'em on ANTM. So my blog sistas that can read in between the lines and know what I'm saying, good! I would rather blog this out here than have the situation show up in my inbox come Monday morning...and you know why.

So last night, I went out with Unc.le Jes.se. That tag is actually quite fitting b/c dude is rather fussy about his hair....but let me just call him Jes.se before people think that I have some inappropriate relationship with my uncle. Quick rundown...he's white, 43 y/o, works with me, AND he DOES have great hair. He was a part of the group that took me out to lunch, almost a year ago, to welcome me to the new gig. I remember being somewhat attracted to him then, but I was still digging Choir Boy at the time so anyone else was left standing in his shadow. Anyway, we would talk for a few when we ran into each other in the hall, or eat lunch together from time to time, but it wasn't until our company picnic at a local theme park that I first noticed that he was giving me a little rhythm. I was SUPPOSED to be running with Pro-mance, but since I had JJ, I was rather limited as to what rides I could get on. Considering that Jes.se has a 14 y/o kid, I guess that I won both his sympathy and his escort service for the remainder of the day. What I liked about him THEN was the fact that he kept trying to come up with activities that J could participate in...and he would get pretty excited in the process. He kept complimenting ME on how cute and well-mannered JJ was. I always feel those that walk in the truth, lol.

After that, I would find random treats on my desk. And then when my hard drive crashed this week, he lent me his cube for the whole day, since he had class. I left him a couple of notes thanking him, b/c I had a project due yesterday and every bit of computer time that I could steal counted. When I visited his cube after that, I noticed that those notes were moved to a highly visible spot...I guess that he appreciated them.

Well last night, Jes.se, JJ, and I grabbed some Mex.ican food. His son was going to be at a Hallo.ween party until 7:00 pm, so the plan was to get MY son from afterschool care and for all of us to have dinner and perhaps watch a movie. It was almost weird b/c he wanted to ride with me to pick JJ up...and then asked if he could go in with me to get him. I don't know why, but I quickly let him know that he can stay in the car and I would be right out. When JJ got in the car, dude was almost playing 20 questions with him. JJ remembered him from the park, but he still gets in shy mode and takes time to warm up to people. It was cute, nonetheless.

We had dinner. We picked up his son afterwards. And then, I dropped him back off at the office to pick up his truck and followed him to their crib....waaaayyyyy across town....in the dark and the pouring rain. Now, b/c of the matching speeding tickets that I got last weekend on my way to and from Char.lotte, a homie is a bit cautious about driving on unfamiliar territory...especially in the dark and the pouring rain. By the grace of God and CERTAINLY NOT my contacts, we made it to his country place that happens to be tucked off and near a pond.

JJ and his son immediately hit it off and were playing computer games while Jes.se and I took to the couch and a couple of movies. Dude has about 5 or 6 cats and all of them seemed to love me...I think one may have even made love to my thigh, b/c all I know is he rubbed himself to sleep in my lap. I WISH that I could say that that was the most action that I had gotten all night. Jes.se then put in a movie that he thought JJ would enjoy, but that boy didn't last 20 minutes before he was all curled up on the recliner, slobbering on the fabric. By this time, I knew that I should've been long gone, but I was kinda scared to drive down those dark roads at night. Plus, Jes.se insisted that I just wait until the morning...not a surprise at all. So he put JJ to bed in his spare bedroom...and Jes.se and I got to know each other a bit better.

He's a great kisser, I LOVE running my fingers through his hair, but er...uh...HOW IN THE HECK AM I GOING TO FACE THIS DUDE ON MONDAY??? I got caught up in the moment. There are other things about him that concern me...that I MAY disclose at a later date. But I can't lie, it felt good to have his arms around me...squeezing and carressing me. I melted everytime that he kissed my forehead...yearned for the next moment of sensual spontaneity, but we work together. I brought it up in the midst and all he could say was, "Well, it sux when you give almost all of your time to a job...and then come across someone that you like and feel as if you're not supposed to see them." Yes, there are good reasons why you're NOT...too bad all 500 of them didn't force my hand sooner. I don't really even know what to think, how to feel...something other than fear, or what to do.

Thankfully, I'm in a dodgeball tourney today, so I have an opportunity to sharpen my ducking and dodging skills in the meantime.

what's your net worth?

So, I've been suffering from ADD and narcilepsy lately b/c everytime I sat down to blog, over the past 2 weeks, one or the other would take over. In fact, if I weren't currently sitting under the dryer after freshly relaxing my hair (yes, at 4 in the morning), I would be watching the back of my eyelids, tucked in comfortably on my sofa with my son's feet in my chest. (I have yet to understand why it is that my son chooses to snuggle under me sometimes when he has 2 beds in his room to choose from...I'm STILL trying to understand why I've preferred to limit my night movements to my sofa for the past month).


I've noticed that normal people actually take lunches during their lunch break. Come 11:55AM, people are scrambling in either the halls or on email threads to see who is lunching with who and where. When I first started working at the J.O.B., I was heavily involved in the lunch rotation, b/c I thought that it would help me to get to know my coworkers better (i.e. promote assimilation with the male engi.neers)...and plus, A LOT gets said at the lunch table that doesn't get said at the office. Lately, I have been slacking...perhaps that's a good thing b/c I am neither Sam.antha, Car.rie, Mir.anda, or Char.lotte, so all of these $ex In The Ci.ty dining out episodes are not-so-fabulous for my budget (I believe that that is the second time that I used the word "fabulous" on this hea blog...5 is my limit). But in my break away from the previous lunch norm, I noticed that I was 29 y/o, lol. Not the "young and hip 30 is the new 20 so 29 makes me 19" 29, but the "I just read the consumer reports reviews for a vacuum cleaner and I'm heavily concerned about the quality of the product that I'm getting for the money" 29...that "disputing with the local Low.e's paint guy over the correct paint chip that matches the blue stripe in my shower curtain" 29...that "I think that I'll invest in a good drill in case of emergencies" 29...that "I will continue to buy these $7.99 perms and b/c of my 9 'o clock narcileptic episodes I'll relax my hair at 4 in the morning" 29 (...all of these debates and purchases occuring during my lunch break...29).

Doesn't sound terribly exciting to many, but suits me just fine.

Age Wisdom has made me increasingly aware of a great many things...one being my financial outlook. After I wrote THIS post, I kept tripping up on two words, net worth. For a couple of weeks now, I have been setting up an Excel spreadsheet in my mind that would subtract my liabilities from my assets and force me to come to grips with how non-rich I am. I actually did a quick calculation and was somewhat pleased with the outcome, but I wanted to track it on a month to month basis and THEN do a thorough check-up from year end to year end. I kept procrastinating with this spreadsheet, b/c I started to get too engrossed in particulars...should I REALLY count my car as an asset (even though its paid off) when I have no intention on selling it and would prefer to ride it until I HAVE to get my Fred Flint.stone "yabadabadoo" on and start running with it. How many days after I get paid should I input my current checking account balance when it fluctuates worse than the sine curve? I start thinking about my student loans and how much of a dent I would like to put in them during tax time, but I sure could use another sidewalk which would improve the curb appeal and value of my home.

But somewhere during one of my ADD episodes, I started thinking of my "well-being" net worth, taking into account my standings emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally. I'm sure that financial stability plays a part in every aspect of my "well-being" net worth, but if I don't devote the same time and attention as I do to financial matters, I won't be worth anything to anybody...more importantly, myself.

Forget being the "young and hip 30 is the new 20, so 29 makes me 19" 29 when you don't take control over what enters your eyegate or eargate and what exits your mouthgate. "You are what you eat" is the cliche that holds true across the board. If I constantly take in negativity, I will spit back negativity. There's certain music that I can't vibe to like I used to...certain lyrics that I can't even meditate on, let alone recite aloud. There are Psalms that will feed me more than anything Tu.pac or Bigg.ie cleverly penned...may they rest in peace as I am still a fan of both, but I'm wiser now. I COULD get my rocks off reading Za.ne (although I respect her hustle), but I find that Miche.lle Single.tary speaks to the woman that I want to be. "Who do you surround yourself with?" is a constant echo. I was once told that if you want to be a lawyer, you surround yourself with lawyers....if you want to be a doctor, you surround yourself with doctors...well, I want to be a strong and successful woman that relies on God but understands that her first ministry is home, so who do I surround myself with? Who do I look up to? Those that have overcome adversity and have a positive outlook on life despite day-to-day challenges...those that encourage and uplift others...those with a mission...those that stay hungry...those that reject immediate gratification for long-term security. If I'm not of value to someone else then I emplore them to part ways with me b/c if someone is a hindrance to my progress, I will have to do the same. I'm trying to make the For.be's list for "well-being" net worth and I can't get there with marshmallow pies in my pantry, a lazy man, jealous friends, smut mags, a subscription to a highly controversial blog, and Sol.dier Boy's latest CD, while sweating the small stuff. Without self-control, I'd soon fall victim to an emotional rollercoaster that dictates my mood and alters my esteem. I'm worth A LOT more than that...and my actions as a "young and hip 30 is the new 20, so 29 makes me 19" 29 should reflect that.

Hmmmmm....I'm thinking that I will spend this wealth with a lunch crew tomorrow. After all, a new drill can wait...a couple of days, at least, lol.

fighting to be silent

Lawdhavmercyjesusandmaryandem, someone almost got DROPPED at the office today. Admittedly, this has been one TRYING week...and I think that I was on edge LAST week b/c I had an impending deadline THIS week. I woke up ALREADY frustrated b/c I seem to be having some sort of relapse from a cold that I had 2 weeks ago. And when I know that my attitude is on the borderline between pi$$y and "I-wish-a-negro-would...", I normally stay to myself. The plan was to hole myself up in the cube and nobody gets hurt. Well, for the most part, that wasn't a problem today. Since Bruh-friend at the J.O.B. has been slinging his responsibilities on me lately, I haven't had a problem with keeping busy. However, I wasn't fully able to hole myself up b/c some matters require me to leave my base for lengthy periods of time.

I did see Bruh-friend this morning, but I kept it short and sweet...the only real interaction that I had today was with my "Pro-mance (Professional Romance...flirting ONLY allowable b/w 8 AM - 6 PM Mon-Fri)" with Dimple-Man across my cube wall and with this other older gentleman who felt the need to close the conversation with "You look bad, I mean...REALLY, you should probably go home." Aside from that, I was left to my congestion and my projects.

And THEN it happened.

"Is there ANYTHING that I can help you with, b/c I see that you KEEP going to JM when I have already HAD this conversation with you before..."

If only I can convey his tone through blog...all I can say is that dude had his eyebrows all furrowed and was shaking his head to stress his words. Initially, I TRIED to remain silent but when it started sounding like he was reprimanding me like some dayum child, I.lost.it. I am BIG on "approach." And seeing as how Bruh-friend goes to my church, I THOUGHT that he knew how to properly talk to somebody. Especially after I had kept quiet about other things that were pi$$ing me off this week, I started feeling froggy and ready to leap! I threw him one of those Rick Jam.es looks...obviously partnah DIDN'T know who I was. My dad lost a good job for choking a supervisor out back in the day and I felt his blood coursing through my veins REAL HOT-LIKE today!

I never look for an argument...I HATE arguing with folks. I can have a discussion with someone until the cows come home, but once someone crosses the line and starts talking to me like I'm dumb or crazy, that's all she wrote.

So he and I got into it...for a good 8 minutes....and the cubes surrounding us were on a mad hush.

Even AFTER I explained to Bruh-friend that I only asked JM a practical question....nothing that would impact his position as LEAD engi.neer...he STILL had his neck hairs on the rise. THAT'S what it's REALLY about...somebody feels threatened and is trying to hold on to what little authority he has. And heaven forbid that I ask someone with, at least, 10 years more experience than he has a question...heaven forbid I learn more than him when my credentials ALREADY speak for themselves. THEN, he went into how I did stuff wrong on previous projects b/c I went to somebody else and when he was questioned about it, he didn't have the answer. It's funny how my work has never come into question until NOW! But again, it was all in the "approach"...we could have probably worked this out without being the only 2 black eng.ineers in the office, who stereotypically cannot seem to get along, had he NOT rolled up on my cube with an attitude without knowing the full story. Now it seems that I have to consult HIM before I even sneeze. Forget that!

"Fine! I won't ask JM a dayum thing else! You got it! I don't want to have this conversation anymore so you can walk away now."

Once he shuffled off, I started thinking about how the overall theme of this week has been for me to know when to be silent. That just wasn't happening today. I had allowed my temper to get the best of me, so I left work a little early. I was too upset to concentrate during the little time that I had left.

The enemy used the BOTH of us. Prayerfully, tomorrow will be different.


...I thought it would've been me, standing there with you. Congratulations, I hope you're happy. Well, not really.

So, I recently reconnected with a long lost friend of mine, M-Rod. I hadn't spoken to him in over a year...and even THEN, it was very brief. I hadn't seen him in prolly close to 10 years and I was hoping for a chance to verify that he hadn't gotten any cuter than the last time. It turns out that he lives a little over 3 hours away and I had the bright idea that I could swing through while on my way to Char.lotte, the end of this month. Unfortunately, he's been stationed in Ha.waii for the next 4 years...fortunately for him, I guess, but foiled my doggone plans. So, we're catching up and I ask, "Are you married off yet?" I figured that I already knew the answer to this...the question was more of an ice-breaker than a jaw-dropper. His response, "NO, I'M NOT MARRIED!" And right when I begin to exhale, I get..."Well, not yet anyways. The wedding is next year." Tricky ba$tard...ok, that was ugly, I know. But why did my heart drop down into my uterus?! Seriously, its all tangled up in my fallopian tubes right about now. I cannot even understand why I am reacting this way b/c my mind has certainly been occupied with other men since we last spoke. Yet, I'm sitting here quoting Ves.ta in her good days and drowning my sorrows in Can.ada Dry, when the situation OBVIOUSLY calls for a cherry slush from So.nic!

I met him during the summer after I graduated high school...through my g/f, Tam. They attended the same summer medical program. Apparently, he stole some pictures that she had developed from our trip to Disney World and he saw me all hugged up with some stuffed bear and thought it was hot, lol. We chatted on the phone for a few...he had that Spa.nish accent (if you call it that)...and in an effort to surprise me, Tam decided to drop by my house one night with him in tow. He.made.me.nervous. I think that I made THE WORST first impression known to man. I believe what he liked MOST about me was my sense of humor, but when I saw him, I couldn't find a joke with a map and a compass. He was so handsome...my first crack at exotic men (S23, 2007). I liked him, but the timing was off. He was about to go away to school...and I was staying home to attend TU. It just wasn't happening, but we still talked. But then, once we got into that school swing, those talks were few and far between.

I didn't see M-Rod until the following school year. He came to visit me in my dorm room one night, while he was in town. He and I...and my roommate...were all chillin' together, but then this broad leaves for no good reason and locks the door behind her. We were sitting on my bed, at the time, and I remember my first thought being, "Sh*t!" Up until this point, we hadn't so much as kissed...heck, up until this point all I DID was make-out with dudes, nothing serious. But I just KNEW something was about to go down that night. And it did. We didn't...well, hmmm, we did some things but my virgi.nity was still in tact (that's prolly the cleanest way that I can put it). And my roommate, being the thoughtful broad that she is, jingled her keys for a good 5 minutes before she walked into the room some hours later. Mayne, I ripped into her after M-Rod left...blamed her for every button that came undone, lol.

I made it clear afterwards, that he and I were not about to travel down that road. I was still clinging HARD to my vir.ginity. M-Rod was cool with all of that...I think that he admired the fact that I was still a vir.gin, but that didn't mean that he wasn't gonna try and get away with as much as he could. Shortly after the dorm incident, I went home to stay with my momma for a few days. He came over and she absolutely fell in love with him...she called him every Spanish name that she could think of...everything besides his real name.

Manuel, you want something to drink?

So, where are you taking my daughter, Jesus?

Julio, you hear me talkin' to you?

We were dying laughing at her...long after we left her to her Lifet.ime channel, while we grubbed at Cope.land's. When we came back, my momma was still awake. But she decided to give us some privacy and then went in her room and closed the door. I recognized that same mischievious look in his eye that he had at my dorm. My first thought was, "Sh*t!" I told him to not think that my momma didn't have her TV low enough to hear things going on...we'd better sound like we were talking and quick! Well, we lived VERY DANGEROUSLY that night.

The next morning, I jumped on my momma's bed to tell her about the fun time that me and Antonio had, lol. She stopped me mid-sentence:

"Who's been grabbing you around your neck?"


"Did Jose try to choke you?"


"Go look in the mirror."

She started laughing as I was on that slow stroll. Lo and behold, I saw five dayum hickies that looked like he pulled an I.ke Tur.ner on me...the five finger silencer, lol. I know that I didn't drink that night but I didn't even remember him sucking on my neck, lol. Why he didn't have the decency...the common make-out courtesy...to not leave any marks is beyond me. But what was more aggravating was my mom's growing laughter.

"This isn't funny. Why are you so tickled by this?!"

"Baby, if boyfriend spending that much time around your neck, I know that he wasn't EXPLORING too much else!"

Moms even decided that certain family members and co-workers needed to know what Enrique was about, lol. I have an aunt that STILL likes to throw that story on the table. Yes, M-Rod and I had a few "physical encounters" throughout the years after that, but this one was prolly the funniest. After we first met, we never lived in the same place at the same time, but when we did meet up, we always enjoyed ourselves....not always in THAT way.

And now this dude is getting married....and I can't figure out why my eyes watered a bit. We were never a couple...it makes no sense. All I CAN say is "Congratulations", right? I DO hope that he's happy. But right now...JUST RIGHT NOW...I want him to be happy with me.