rage

I am so pissed right now that I'm in tears. It's been a while since I have been THIS mad. I won't even go into the exact reason, so I'll just send out a message.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE WATCH WHO YOU PROCREATE WITH.

I know, for some of us, it is too late. I am so mad at myself. I love my son the way that he is and I know that he wouldn't be who he is without his other half, but if I can just go back 8 years and rethink my stupid ass decisions, I would!

My phone has been ringing, but I cannot even talk to anybody until I calm down.

I don't hate this dude, but my strong dislike doesn't feel as if it can get any stronger. For someone to have such utter disregard for the people affected by their actions, and in this case, inactions is so beyond comprehension for me.

I was going to blog about something totally different but I can't even remember what it was anymore...so I thought that I'd bless anyone that cares to read with some raw emotion. Sorry, I was hoping that this would be therapeutic...so far, it isn't.

And this is a prime example of why I am so afraid of being tied to people at times. I just have to keep reminding myself that not every guy/person is like this...and I know this.

I just really need to talk to God tonight. But not about this dude.

We need to talk about me. I can't change the past. And I can't change people. All I can change is how I react and I need to better manage my emotions.

pre-game commentator

OK, this post may need a new category called TMI.

I like a little 'ish talk. And there are some times when this is more than appropriate. For example:

1. After scoring 25 aka "Christ.mas" during a game of bones (dominoes), whenever a trump is introduced during a game of spades or in the midst of whippin' a$$ in Mor.tal Combat. In fact, it is an unwritten rule for the latter 2.

2. In battle rap, but not all that materialistic "iced out, doin' donuts and poppin' bottles" bull.

3. Cooking skills...being my favorite kind of 'ish talk from men.

4. "Yo maw" jokes on the playground back in the day.

5. Whenever your partnah's team gets their a$$ handed to 'em by your team (in whatever sport).

But I hate it...absolutely abhor it...when dudes talk all kinds of 'ish about their prowess in the bedroom pre-penetration. I can handle a freak but not a braggart. For the life of me, I just cannot figure out the point. Be it a pleasant surprise or a quiet disappointment, I don't need the pre-game commentation. Unless I've experienced toe-curlage with the dude before, his mic is turned off.

I'm ranting b/c Newsguy, perhaps in a bored state of mind, kept texting me nonsense today...straight trashy in the A.M. And here I thought that if you igged a person enough, then they would get the hint. Guess what made him stop? Tonight I sent:

LB: "Yes, I'm a hot piece so I don't blame you. But u want ure cake and to 'eat it 2'. Here's the news at 10, I'm overqualified for the 'eat it 2' position."

Newsguy: "Hahahahaha. I'm pullin' ure hand off my face."

LB: "Holla at me when ure ready to take me to dinner."

I guess that he read that and thought "murder she wrote", b/c my phone hasn't made a sound since. I figured that digging in his pocket would shut him up. But here's the thing...Newsguy was talkin' much $exual 'ish from jump. So when I finally let him cross my threshhold on my day off, I was kinda curious amongst other things.

In that post I wrote, "...some things happened...NOT EVERYTHING...". Well, what I'm about to say was not the trump card, but again, here's the news at 10.

Never brag on your endowment, if you masturbate with only 2 fingers and a thumb.

to speak or not to speak

Maybe I wasn't inebriated enough and that's why I was easily annoyed. Or maybe b/c I haven't been myself lately, as told to me by 2 different people, but I just have little tolerance for dumb stuff. Tonight, a small group of us celebrated Tee's bday. And as swigs increased, so did the gripes and complaints about certain coworkers. So ok, I can understand that (at some point) someone might've pi$$ed you off and you decided that (besides the common cordialities ?), you weren't going to fool with that person anymore. That's reasonable. But I was sitting there while listening to 2 of my close friends say that they disliked people just b/c said people don't speak to them in the hallway. I don't even know what I was sipping on, but I wished that I had taken a huge gulp just to say, "Who the f*** cares???" Are you kidding? Especially when I know that the one who started the conversation has the propensity to mean mug some folk, so what exactly does a person owe her? I kept interjecting to say that the people that they were bashing were actually nice, but that fell on deaf ears and drunk mouths. And once the cosigning started, I could forget about sharing my opinion anyway and just decided to chill and eventually make my exit from all the negativity.

I can agree that its disrespectful if I initiate the greeting (and I doubt that they do), but I got too many other reasons to want to pi$$ in someone's coffee. So I guess one of my pet peeves is when people get angry over little things. Man up and move on.

What's yours?

delirious

"Work smarter not harder..." is one of the core values of my company. The fact that it resides in the bottom half of that list should have possibly been an indicator of its level of importance...or better yet, truth. I believe that I have reached the point of delirium now. I can probably count how many hours of sleep, in the past few days, that I've gotten on one hand. I decided to work from home today and am blogging while on a Cheer.io break. Which is a good thing b/c I have peace and quiet...aside from the sounds of HGTV downstairs. Plus, I've been having dizzy spells (presumably b/c of these new pills) and for some reason, I think that its best to pass out by myself than to pass out and be embarrassed.

I remember being so bored at my last job that I spent more time visiting coworkers, playing on the internet or emailing than I did doing work. Now, if the company didn't already block the websites, I couldn't blog and comment throughout the day even if I wanted to.

Maybe 6 months after I was hired, the director of my department hired some hot shot guy with tons of both hands on and design experience. My boss was really pumping this guy up, to the point where I was anxious to see this dude walk on water on his first day. Well, its been over a year later and not only does this guy not walk on water, I feel as if he's the reason our boat is sinking.

My department had a mtg the week before last, during which this guy said that he needed help on his project. Little did we know, he needed us to DO his project. He came in with this bullsh*t list of 5 bullet points, but when I looked at the state of his drawings, I knew that this project would not be complete by the deadline. First thing, he is terribly unorganized and for me, organization is half the battle. An incomplete, yet organized project will get a pass before an incomplete project that looks as if the designer has ADD. We had to have another mtg just to discuss which direction this dude was going. During this same mtg, I volunteered to handle a specific portion of the project but I also had other projects on my plate with fast-approaching deadlines and overly anxious architects. I told him and anyone else that cared to know that I wouldn't get to it until last Tuesday (I probably could've said it nicer). In the meantime, I expected (and said so in this meeting) that certain plans be done by him and ready for me by the time that I get to them (I guess that I'm assuming a managerial role early).

Well, today is the due date. Those plans that I needed him to finish were done....hmmm, sometime in the middle of the night last night. Not that I had a whole lot of choice in the matter, but one reason that I wanted to help was b/c if I were in trouble, I would want someone to help me. Another reason is b/c incomplete work affects the whole company and I have this number in mind for my bonus this year. But you know what my attitude is at this point? Fugg it. Everyone else in our department (excluding my boss, I guess) has adopted that same attitude. This is the second time that I've had to work with this dude and this is the second time that he has cost me a whole weekend. I've had to work overtime many times but his inability to get the molasses out of his a$$ reaches well beyond that and disrupts my sleep.

Woo-sah.

So now I'm just doing some clean-up work. I shot him an email and said that I am quitting at a certain time and that I have limited availability this week b/c I need to finish up some items on MY projects before I go back home to the N.O. Translation: Don't ask me to do sh*t! Part of me HOPES that that's a problem for him...enough so, that he'll start whining to my boss. THEN I will have the license to get some serious stuff off of my chest before I leave town. It has been so hard to attempt to check my attitude at the door...all I really want now is for someone to open it.

Anyways...

As blessed as I am to have it, this job will not be the death of me. I'm just taking notes at this point, b/c when it comes time for my annual review, I plan to tell my boss exactly how I feel about both the written and implied company core values.

allow me to BRAG for a moment...

Three years ago in August, I was blogging hard under another tag back home in the N.O. And as if I didn't have enough drama going on in my everyday life back then, Hurri.cane Ka.tri.na hit and I disappeared (without word) from the blog scene for a few weeks. But please don't be confused before I continue...this blog is not REALLY about me.

When I returned, I had about 40+ comments from a slew of lurkers and bloggers alike. Some of them were from people that were genuinely concerned about the well-being of me and my son...and some, (I thought) were just people jumping on the bandwagon trying to be a part of the majority and get noticed. But there was this one broad (and I'm laughing as I type this), who ACTUALLY typed her cell number in my comment section and offered to take me to dinner, I believe.

Who knows how long her number was put on blast like that before I had access to a computer to remove it, but I remember thinking, "I don't know who this chick is, but she has to be CRAZY to put her number out there for all the other crazies to see!"

That chick was S23...and YES, that broad IS crazy!

She's also unbelievably considerate, compassionate, charitable, articulate, a motivator, insightful, and sometimes I believe that she's selfless to a fault. I know another thing to be true...she's a hard-a$$ chicken and dayum if she doesn't challenge me and Leezarus almost everyday...read: get in our a$$es...or pour into our spirits until our cups runneth over. To the point where I don't know who invented "come to Jesus" meetings, but sometimes I'd rather deal with Jesus or the wrath of God than to hear her mouth! But you know what that is? That's love right there. Over the years, we have become like sistas and I truly feel that I'm closer to her than some of the friends that I've known for many more years.

So to read that someone was offended by her alleged "bragging", I was actually amused and I'll tell you why. I have read SO TOO MANY disparaging, belittling, judgmental, ignorant and derogatory comments and blogs about single mothers AND their kids. So to read that one of us has a hater, that must mean that we have come up in the world. Hey, maybe we're right above murderers now and, if that's the case, somebody pop the cork on the champagne b/c IT'S A CELEBRATION, BIATCHES!

So let me get this straight...this chick has overcome the odds and managed to BUY A HOUSE and provide more than a shabby shelter for her and her child? Is that right? Maybe I'm confused, but is this the same woman that is teaching her son through her ACTIONS that if you believe it and receive it, you can achieve it? Wait a minute...I absolutely cannot have this right, so tap me on my shoulder if I'm mistaken, but is this yet the SAME WOMAN that stepped outside of her comfort zone and moved her household several states away to provide her son with a better quality of life??? You know what...come to think of it...this HAS to be the same woman, b/c I witnessed all of that. NO ONE handed her a DAYUM thing!!! Her blessings come from God and, although I fall off the blog scene every now and again, I know that she attributes ALL OF THAT to the grace and love of God.

So if S23 won't brag about it, then I WILL b/c dammit, she's EARNED the bragging rights and EVERYTHING that she has acquired in this short time span, on down to every clear heel in her closet. I learned many moons ago that you should not be jealous of what someone else has b/c you do not know what all that person had to go through to get it. I also learned, around the same number of moons ago, that when one of us comes up, you should rejoice and pray that you're next in line.

In closing, I'll just say to ANYONE that takes issues with S23's blessings, the same thing that I said to a commenter that jumped stupid in my comment section some 3 years ago: Hop off her pubic hairs, b/c you're weighing her down!

i hate men

There's this nasty rumor going around that I hate men. Yep, I might as well just get right to it. It may or may not be a rumor b/c I have a tendency to say anything and oftentimes I have a tendency to say the wrong thing. Whether I said it or thought it was a funny thing to say, or just cosigned to it, I have to retract it. Hate is such a strong word that I can't even seriously use it against one person, let alone, allow it to blanket a whole group. That was engrained in me since childhood as the word "hate" was just as bad as any other curse word when directed at someone. I may be disenchanted with, maybe even frustrated with, but by no means do I hate men. And even the "men" part of that statement comes with some qualifiers b/c I am only disenchanted with...maybe even frustrated with...SOME of the men that I have either encountered and/or dated. So no, I do not hate men and I hereby break ties with that statement.

In fact, as I sit here, I can think of 2 men that I'd love to absolute pieces, if we ever stepped our romantic game up. I can't really acknowledge them as crushes, b/c there is no one in my life giving me butterflies right now. But when I think of these 2 gentlemen (having met their families), I can picture being welcomed to the fold and treated as one of their own. And since both have at one point interacted with J, I can see them helping me to raise him to be an honorable and respectable young man. I can envision vacations, house parties, rainy Sundays, strawberry milkshake runs (lol), and family portraits at Ol.an Mills. My mind doesn't even get to ponder on the sex involved. I've only been with one of them in "that" way and **throwing up the field goal sign with both arms** it was good. Yes, I can see them meeting my needs and even the needs I have yet to need...but perhaps the reason that I'm not with either one is b/c I don't meet theirs.

It's all good though. These men are less about a chance as they are about a hope. I may never (and doubt that I will) get the chance to live out my fantasies with them, in particular. But as long as I keep their energy somewhere (even if they only reside in the deep and dark crevices) in my mind, then I have hope that I can meet someone else like them. Certainly, neither of them are perfect and both have annoyed me a time or 2 but I admire them for their spirituality, their character, their vision, their priniciples, their humility...heck, their overall "swagger".

And with that said, let me tell you what I DO hate.

**Tying soulja rag so tightly around my head that you can see the pulse of my temples and now involuntary "surprised" look on my face**

Lack of accountability - Does anybody remember that singing group "Pre.tty Ric.ky?" There were about 5 Rickies and not ONE of them bammas was "pretty"...I mean, downright rough and roughed up looking, right? Well, it just used to boggle my mind that they would come up with such rubbish. That's how I feel when a man starts spitting that nonsense that all his exes were crazy. So what you saying is...you got 5 exes and none of them bamas were sane? Not one, yo? And you don't think that this has ANY reflection on you? I can respect an "I messed up" but when you act as if you learned not one daggone thing from your previous relationships, I have a problem with that. Not that I care enough to assign any emotion to this now, but I remember when I found out that ole dude was sleeping with his ex. When I called him on it, he got angry and cussed at me for asking...yet he WAS sleeping with his ex. And I'm sure that I was labeled as "crazy" or a "b*tch" to the next one after that was all over.

Celebration of a$$hole-ishness - I couldn't think of a better way to phrase it, but I remember when this jack said (and I'm paraphrasing), "Well, I used to be the good guy but good guys get played for punks. Women seem to go for a$$holes. So now I'm that a$$hole." This whole mentality just makes my head hurt and blood boil. The day you lay your character to the side for a "piece" is the same day that you should realize that you have much bigger, deep-rooted issues. And what's worse is that you lack the courage or conviction to confront those issues. If that's not the quality of a punk, I don't know what is.

Cookie Monster Syndrome - this has been a debate in the past, but oh well, I still stand behind this. I know how to appreciate a GOOD man. But I get tired of dudes wanting cookies for the things that they are SUPPOSED to do. I was watching "Peo.ple's Court" yesterday. This fool got up there with an itemized list of things that he bought for his OWN kid and wanted to be reimbursed for them. He figured that since he had JUST started paying child support that this was reasonable for a certain time period that he had drummed up. As he reads off Pam.pers, milk, clothes, shoes, etc., I immediately thought that this was dumba$$ery at its finest. I think that it pi$$es me off b/c I count it an honor to be a mother and a privilege to be J's mother specifically. I CANNOT fathom a bigger turnoff than a guy that looks upon fatherhood as a burden. How crazy would it look if I decided on the day of my son's high school graduation that I would slap him with a detailed bill of expenses accumulated from newborn to now, asking to be reimbursed? If you answered, "it would look as if you're a grill short of a cookout", then YOU get a cookie.

OK, I have gotten all fired up, so I'll close...especially while I'm merely just disenchanted with...maybe even frustated with...SOME men that I have encountered and/or dated. All is not lost though. I've been frustrated by the Saints but I still support them. I've been frustrated with school, but will raise up my alma maters. Sometimes the things or people that we care the most about DO frustrate us. And when I see the positive potential in a situation or person that I care deeply for, I expect and want more. That's all it is. I want more than what I've been offered...more than what I've settled for in the past. So no, I do not hate men. Its just that b/c I love men, but more importanly, myself that I want more.

under pressure

I've been a walking stress ball lately. I'll probably be on edge until I get this huge project at work out of the door. I worked a little this weekend and planned to REALLY tear it up today but AutoCAD kept crashing on me and, needless to say, I had to walk it out a few times just to unhunch my shoulders and deflate my chest. It's coming down to crunchtime and I'm hoping to get as much done as possible so that it doesn't encroach upon weekend.

As I mentioned before, my dad will be in town this Saturday and I have my list ready for him. I was frustrated this past weekend, b/c I tried to do some of the projects myself and it was a bust. My toilet has been broken for who knows how long and I've been losing weight running up and down the stairs to go to the bathroom. I finally decided to get the molasses out my a$$ and fix it. I gutted it, but I couldn't remove the tank b/c the nuts wouldn't loosen to save my life. I put a killing on my hands trying to hold the bolts in place with a flathead while simultaneously trying to work the nuts off with a wrench and eventually conceded defeat. I threw the tools on the floor and left the scene of the crime. My dad asked me why I couldn't just wait. I could. But I wanted to do it myself...and I was disappointed aggravated that I couldn't do something so simple.

Along with that, a few weeks ago, my closet door came off into my hand and almost took me out. I've had that dayum thing propped up against almost every wall downstairs...constantly moving it out of my way. I finally got some new bifold doors from Home De.pot, mounted them, and voila...those mofos wouldn't close. I was pi$$ed! I tried everything from shifting the track and adjusting the height, but when I re-measured my old doors, I realized that the previous owner had cut off 1/4 of an inch off one of the doors. I was none too pleased...especially since I used Tee's truck to pick them bad boys up. I had to run some errands that day anyway, so I decided to pass by Home De.pot and ask their suggestion for cutting doors without using a circular saw. They sized me up...agreed that I was a woman...and gave me some stupid answer that I think (don't really recall) was supposed to be funny. And then one of the guys (who looks like he works there for the sheer joy of being around power tools and not for getting a paycheck) said that he would cut the doors down for me for free and gave me his card. I was thrilled...and motivated...and somehow I got these 80" tall bamas in my Corolla. Granted, J sat in the front and I was practically screwing my steering wheel but it worked. I asked Larry to cut 1/8th of an inch off both, sped back home b/c I couldn't control my lead foot being that close to the pedal, and they FIT. FINALLY, a victory for the home team.

Did I use that energy to tackle that toilet again? Nope, there are just some dreams that I have to let go. So although my last post was all about the fun in decorating, playing Ms. Fix It is not always a thrill. I was asking one of the the other t-ball parents about tips to house maintenance. He said that I should get very chummy with my coworkers and bake them goodies, so that they can do it for me. WTF for when I can do it myself? There are certain things that I can't do, such as moving select pieces of furniture or any electrical work but I'm not about to play Betty Cr@ckhead for anybody just to get something done. I was told by another woman that my independence was admirable. In the same week, I was told that my independence was a turn off by a man. I couldn't even give that latter statement the energy that it deserved...on second thought, maybe I did when I ignored it.

I already felt somewhat exhausted today for trying to finish up several little projects, working from home, and cleaning the house over the weekend. I've been carrying a headache on and off for a few days and then I allowed something to bother me at work which only led me to being mad at myself. I think that Jesse has been waiting for the opportunity to push my buttons and not only did I open the door, I invited him in and propped his feet up on my table. The thing is, I'm not so much mad about the verbal reaction that I gave him as I am about the internal reaction that was brewing inside.

Anyway, after yelling at JJ for the 10 millionth time about tip-toeing to a doggone base at his t-ball game, I was spent. I took him to Ri.ta's and got us both mango gelatis with vanilla custard. As I was savoring its goodness, it dawned on me. I haven't been on a date in a while...with myself. The only time that I am without my baby is during the summer...I believe that he's only stayed with someone else 3 times over the past year and and only one was an overnight stay. Otherwise, he was with me whenever I hung out, with me whenever someone special came over, and just plain ole with me! I have to squeeze my Friday happy hours therapy sessions with the girls in before I pick JJ up from afterschool care. I decided that after all of the hustle and bustle that I have to do next Saturday, that I was going to take myself to a movie.

I told Tee that I was going to see $ex In the City and she said that she already asked her man to go. I was confused for a second, b/c that had nothing to do with me. She then said that if he decided to not go, then she would call me. I have been hanging tight with friends a lot lately...this was something that I planned to do by myself. I don't want company...I just want "me" time with a big bowl of nachos heaping with jalapenos and a super-pi$$ drink. I might go for some dessert afterwards, but the point is, I need a break from everything and everybody. My car is not the only thing running on E.

tiring...

It's old...and it saddens me.

I was going to leave it alone but since my hiatus, I have found some time to catch up on my faves and to do some blog surfing as I sometimes do on the weekends. I lurk semi-consistently on a few, but I was given the "heads up" about a particular "comment square off" that took place earlier in the week. I was determined to not look, but curiosity got the best of me.

I remember participating in a similar debate some years ago...if you would even call it a debate. I remember some commenters picking apart a few of my statements and twisting them around to such a degree that it was unrecognizable to ME that THAT'S what I was saying. I remember some belligerant banter when all intelligent debate was lost...which in my opinion, was lost somewhere around the first or second counter-argument. Not everyone will agree with my views, my lifestyle, or my choices...I know this. And not everyone will like me for one reason or another...I know this. If someone said, "I don't like runnin' with people that wear blue Nikes," I would be cool with that b/c I don't like runnin' with people who don't like runnin' with people with blue Nikes 'cuz I dons mine when I can. And that's it. You stay on your side of the track and I'll stay on mine...or in this case, the blogosphere.

But when you can't even make a statement...I mean TRULY, make a statement without belittling your opponent, that saddens me. Hell, you can't even make an innocent statement without fear of backlash. One commenter went so far as to browse through the other's blog and judge it by how many comments they receive. Is that what this whole thing has come to? I mean, really? Is the blog world about cliques, comments, and cosigns? I know, to some degree, there are a bunch of popularity contests popping off. It just doesn't move me. The conversation doesn't inspire me and if the purpose is to stir up conviction, they haven't even scratched the surface. It does make me rethink this whole blog thing as I have yet to form a consistent relationship with blogging since 2004. I guess that I should keep in mind that when someone logs onto the computer, they can be whoever they want to be. They can have the life that they never experienced offline. And I guess for them, I should be happy. But when I come here, I actually share a portion of my life's story. And to think that someone could take issue with something that I said and decide to browse through my archives in order to beef up their stance by attempting to disparage me in some way or another...it saddens me.

What makes it worse is when I witness someone trying DESPARATELY to be accepted by some people that they don't even know from Adam or Eve. Nobody on this thing takes responsibility for me and mine other than me. FORGET (Lord, it took everything within me to not use the word that I am so well-acquainted with) them...and once again, life goes on. These people aren't feelin' you and they for sure, aren't tryin' to hear you. It's the same as turning up the volume during an in-person argument...it doesn't make it more palatable...it doesn't break it down to the uneducated ear...it's just noise. I do wonder what it would be like for these people to encounter each other face to face JUST SO that I can witness how quickly the "computer bad-a$$edness" dissipates.

Some years ago (and beyond), peeps were making gross generalizations, dressing up stereotypes as statistics, and just plain out displaying their self-righteous attitudes towards anything that wasn't "them"...claiming that holding court on these blogs was one step towards advancing the community. Uh, sure...and my blue Nikes make me run faster. But I guess that that's the only way we know how to act...to shun those that are not like us or do not subscribe to our beliefs. That debate (way back when) was just the regular, run-of-the-mill spinning of wheels (by what might as well been the self-proclaimed moral majority) with no benefit aside from the joy that some commenters might have received from reading their OWN opinions over and over again and patting themselves on the back (or being thrown a cosign or 2 from their inner blog circle), feeling as if "I told them!" **Cue laugh track from Good Times w/ the occasional "Right On!" in the background**

And today? ~SMH~

The same. It's pointless. It's old...and it saddens me.