in the meantime

A few days back, I told Newsguy that I was off on Friday. On Friday morning, he asked to come by. Up until this point, I limited him to the porch. He has been respectful and hasn't made any advances towards me...in person, that is. Plus, I told him that although he didn't work for CNN, he is popular enough 'round these parts that he can be found if something foul goes down. He had already accrued some points for coming over just to give me a hug when I had a rough day and then leaving not too long after. So, I let him come over...and I actually let him cross my threshhold. Again, he respected my space. (More importantly, he took his shoes off w/o my asking...yep, I can be a little anal about my carpet.) He didn't do anything without my prompting. I think that he was so happy to be inside that he just relished the moment. He has made it clear what he wanted from me in the beginning and I respected his honesty. In the meantime, I enjoyed his wit, the game play, and the company. Needless to say, some things happened...NOT EVERYTHING, but enough to satiate me (probably not him) for a minute. He left wanting more...and so did I.

I believe that I can hold out for the right one, but what do I do in the meantime? Its not that I sit and wander incessantly about wanting and needing someone. I engage in enough things to keep my mind occupied. But the truth of the matter is, I do want someone. And sometimes, I just want to have the freedom to express that without being battered by words of encouragement. I know that they all come from a good place, but I have not reached the point of desparation.

How many times can I be told that He'll come when I'm not looking? I don't even understand what that means anymore b/c, to my knowledge, I haven't been looking. I've been living my life. But every now and again, I want a man to wrap his arms around me from behind and secure me with his embrace. Can I just say that? Good. So tell me, what do I do in the meantime? How many times do I have to be told to pray that God will send me someone? Been there, done that, printed the T-shirts. How may times does one have to pray the same prayer before they believe that God is taking care of it? I already know that God has both mine and my intended's backs, b/c I can already see the stages of preparation. So, I can go to church with the best of 'em and spit all kinds of spiritual cliches and verses. But tell me, what do I do in the meantime? What do I do when I want a man to kiss me as if his last breath depended on it? What do I do when I want a man to make love to me slowly and deliberately? Finding a man to f*ck me ain't hard...and hell, I can do that without looking or praying for it. I like sex like the next person. But what I do when I want those butterflies? What do I do when I want a man to massage the day's stresses out of my shoulders and lower back? What do I do when I want a man to play in my hair? I just want to be free to say that's what I want, without my looking weak or man hungry. I already know He's coming and I already know Who's sending him. Glad that we got that established. But in the meantime, I want to be loved.