i hate men

There's this nasty rumor going around that I hate men. Yep, I might as well just get right to it. It may or may not be a rumor b/c I have a tendency to say anything and oftentimes I have a tendency to say the wrong thing. Whether I said it or thought it was a funny thing to say, or just cosigned to it, I have to retract it. Hate is such a strong word that I can't even seriously use it against one person, let alone, allow it to blanket a whole group. That was engrained in me since childhood as the word "hate" was just as bad as any other curse word when directed at someone. I may be disenchanted with, maybe even frustrated with, but by no means do I hate men. And even the "men" part of that statement comes with some qualifiers b/c I am only disenchanted with...maybe even frustrated with...SOME of the men that I have either encountered and/or dated. So no, I do not hate men and I hereby break ties with that statement.

In fact, as I sit here, I can think of 2 men that I'd love to absolute pieces, if we ever stepped our romantic game up. I can't really acknowledge them as crushes, b/c there is no one in my life giving me butterflies right now. But when I think of these 2 gentlemen (having met their families), I can picture being welcomed to the fold and treated as one of their own. And since both have at one point interacted with J, I can see them helping me to raise him to be an honorable and respectable young man. I can envision vacations, house parties, rainy Sundays, strawberry milkshake runs (lol), and family portraits at Ol.an Mills. My mind doesn't even get to ponder on the sex involved. I've only been with one of them in "that" way and **throwing up the field goal sign with both arms** it was good. Yes, I can see them meeting my needs and even the needs I have yet to need...but perhaps the reason that I'm not with either one is b/c I don't meet theirs.

It's all good though. These men are less about a chance as they are about a hope. I may never (and doubt that I will) get the chance to live out my fantasies with them, in particular. But as long as I keep their energy somewhere (even if they only reside in the deep and dark crevices) in my mind, then I have hope that I can meet someone else like them. Certainly, neither of them are perfect and both have annoyed me a time or 2 but I admire them for their spirituality, their character, their vision, their priniciples, their humility...heck, their overall "swagger".

And with that said, let me tell you what I DO hate.

**Tying soulja rag so tightly around my head that you can see the pulse of my temples and now involuntary "surprised" look on my face**

Lack of accountability - Does anybody remember that singing group "Pre.tty Ric.ky?" There were about 5 Rickies and not ONE of them bammas was "pretty"...I mean, downright rough and roughed up looking, right? Well, it just used to boggle my mind that they would come up with such rubbish. That's how I feel when a man starts spitting that nonsense that all his exes were crazy. So what you saying is...you got 5 exes and none of them bamas were sane? Not one, yo? And you don't think that this has ANY reflection on you? I can respect an "I messed up" but when you act as if you learned not one daggone thing from your previous relationships, I have a problem with that. Not that I care enough to assign any emotion to this now, but I remember when I found out that ole dude was sleeping with his ex. When I called him on it, he got angry and cussed at me for asking...yet he WAS sleeping with his ex. And I'm sure that I was labeled as "crazy" or a "b*tch" to the next one after that was all over.

Celebration of a$$hole-ishness - I couldn't think of a better way to phrase it, but I remember when this jack said (and I'm paraphrasing), "Well, I used to be the good guy but good guys get played for punks. Women seem to go for a$$holes. So now I'm that a$$hole." This whole mentality just makes my head hurt and blood boil. The day you lay your character to the side for a "piece" is the same day that you should realize that you have much bigger, deep-rooted issues. And what's worse is that you lack the courage or conviction to confront those issues. If that's not the quality of a punk, I don't know what is.

Cookie Monster Syndrome - this has been a debate in the past, but oh well, I still stand behind this. I know how to appreciate a GOOD man. But I get tired of dudes wanting cookies for the things that they are SUPPOSED to do. I was watching "Peo.ple's Court" yesterday. This fool got up there with an itemized list of things that he bought for his OWN kid and wanted to be reimbursed for them. He figured that since he had JUST started paying child support that this was reasonable for a certain time period that he had drummed up. As he reads off Pam.pers, milk, clothes, shoes, etc., I immediately thought that this was dumba$$ery at its finest. I think that it pi$$es me off b/c I count it an honor to be a mother and a privilege to be J's mother specifically. I CANNOT fathom a bigger turnoff than a guy that looks upon fatherhood as a burden. How crazy would it look if I decided on the day of my son's high school graduation that I would slap him with a detailed bill of expenses accumulated from newborn to now, asking to be reimbursed? If you answered, "it would look as if you're a grill short of a cookout", then YOU get a cookie.

OK, I have gotten all fired up, so I'll close...especially while I'm merely just disenchanted with...maybe even frustated with...SOME men that I have encountered and/or dated. All is not lost though. I've been frustrated by the Saints but I still support them. I've been frustrated with school, but will raise up my alma maters. Sometimes the things or people that we care the most about DO frustrate us. And when I see the positive potential in a situation or person that I care deeply for, I expect and want more. That's all it is. I want more than what I've been offered...more than what I've settled for in the past. So no, I do not hate men. Its just that b/c I love men, but more importanly, myself that I want more.