the men in my life

I'm in a weird mood tonight. I'm sportin' my doo rag, my ratty pink robe, AND my Os.car the Grouch hoodie...so it must be serious. Time to say goodbye to my Christ.mas colors: magenta, turquoise and lime. I drove my dad back to the airport around 6:30pm. His wife planned for him to go back to the N.O. before New Year's b/c she wasn't going to spend this year without him like last year. I invited both of them last year, but she made the decision to stay home b/c she wanted to spend Chris.tmas with baby Shan. My dad makes no secret about J being his favorite grandchild (without verbally saying so) and was quite fine with coming up here alone. His explanation for spoiling J is that his other grandkids have active dads, aunts and grandparents. J, on the other hand, just has me.

That is, he just has me until J's dad decides to show up. So HLS (Habitual Line Stepper) texted me earlier last week and said that he was driving up on Friday. Well, me knowing HLS the way that I do, I decided to not get J's hopes up...better to be a surprise than a disappointment. He actually followed through and came bearing gifts...for everybody. He brought J some games, a robot dinosaur, some Le.gos In.diana Jon.es stuff, and...wait for it...a pre-paid phone. I was actually shocked that none of that was accompanied with some story about his inability to make ends meet. But perhaps he had already gotten that out of the way during the week before. He then gives me a nightgown with Tink.erbell on it (which was cute) and gives my dad a straw, cowboy-like hat. I am my dad's child b/c we both looked at him like "why in the hell are you giving US gifts?" But I thanked him and kept it moving with little emotion. I don't need him to do anything for me, but he tries hard to impress. If he really wanted to impress me, then he should be a father to his child...not for my sake, but for J's.

The phone sparked some discussion, b/c IMO there is no reason for a 7 y/o to have a phone. So, I put some restrictions on that immediately. It can't/won't leave his room and he can only talk to his dad and his PawPaw on it. I told HLS that I have nothing to do with the phone and if he wanted J to keep it, he would have to maintain the account and put minutes on it. HLS left J's new phone number on my desk. I guess that I'm supposed to program his number, but I have no reason to call him when I can easily holler loud enough for him to hear me downstairs and when he's not with me, I should be able to reach him through some adult.

Anyway, J was on cloud nine...and didn't really care about the phone. It's very rare that he gets to experience this much testosterone within his 4 walls at one time. He didn't know who to play with. I decided that since it was Christ.mas that I would allow HLS to spend the night. I found it funny that my dad got in J's bottom bunk early that night, perhaps staking his claim. I quickly threw HLS a blanket, went upstairs, and closed my door. I can't be too nice b/c then he'll start thinking that we're close. I could care less about what's going on in his family (ESPECIALLY his mom who has made absolutely NO EFFORT to meet J), his job (unless it affects my child support), or whatever new body ache he has THIS week (dude used to always throw out his medical issues to gain sympathy and I used to fall for that mess in my stupid-er ages).

The next morning, I woke up to him cooking breakfast. I was on a mission to head to Pier On.e so that I could get those discounted Christ.mas ornaments.

HLS: Your breakfast is on the table.

Me: I'm heading down to the Pier O.ne.

HLS: You need to put something in your stomach first.

Me: **looking around to confirm that I was in my own home and that I was indeed a grown woman** I'm heading down to Pier On.e. If its still here when I get back, I'll eat then.

I think that the reason that I fell for him in the past had something to do with his constant fussing over me, nurturing and acting like the father figure that I always wanted. Not sure if I articulated that well but something like that but in a non-freakish way. He even noticed that the bruising around my ankles had disappeared and inquired of my current cholesterol levels. When he departed on Saturday, he left behind a book of poetry that he had written and 3 Christ.mas CDs (since my dad complained that I never played any Christ.mas music while he was here). I guess that he was trying to impress my dad as well, since they have never been the best of friends. Alcohol and gifts change things...at least for that moment.

Tonight, J and I had to say goodbye to my dad. J kept asking his PawPaw to change his ticket to the 1st. He couldn't. In a last ditch effort, J just asked that he stay an extra hour. Again, he couldn't. It was hard. No one barely said anything in the car.

My dad wasn't a great father and I never would've imagined that we'd get to this point after my shutting him out of my life for so many years. We got into it on a few occasions while he was here, but its interesting to see how easy we were able to rebound and resume our previous convos before the disagreement. He's a funny guy. He brags about cussing out his pastor, hearts the F-bomb, has yet to lose his Chatta.nooga twang, thinks that 'nam was the beginning of all of his "crazy" issues, ends almost every statement with "he'ah", farts and then waits for your face to contort, must have Crown within arm's reach, actually believes the women that tell him that he resembles Morr.is Chest.nut, can't hear worth a damn, will quickly impose his spiritual views on you and absolutely CANNOT agree to disagree...but he's my dad and to love him is to love all of that.

As for HLS...I was glad that he was able to carve out some time for J. I don't know how J will look upon his dad when he reaches my age. I just hope that he remembers this Christmas and how happy he was.