good ole gyne

I had my annual gyne appointment this afternoon. I both dread and anticipate these appointments. Reason being that I don't want to be told that something is wrong with me, but I don't want to live in ignorance and allow something to go undetected. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in Feb. and passed away in July of that same year. That has shown me that either she had a pretty aggressive tumor or it was detected late. I have some other thoughts on that, but the point is, I got too much that I want to do and see in life to allow fear and ignorance to be written as the cause of death on my certificate.

Well this past week, I haven't been feeling right. Fair warning, this blog is about to get unsexy right about now. In the past, I have had cysts, been diagnosed with dysplasia and had the LEEP procedure, common infections, etc. I'm weird b/c I will walk around with a cold for weeks and never go to a PCP, but if something isn't feeling right in the "womanly" way, I'll call my gyne like we're old girlfriends.

So I was sitting there on the table...kinda scared. I was trying to brace myself for the needle, b/c I thought that she would need to take a culture to determine what it was. I'm already not a big fan of pap smears, so the thought of that on top of whatever she needed to do extra had a girl frigid. I laid back as she inspected me from the roota to the toota, concentrating on the light so as to keep my cool. And then she says,

"Uh Oh..."

Me: Awww hell...

Gyne: "...that's a hemmorhoid"

Me: "uh what?"

Gyne: "a hemmorhoid."

Me: "A hemmorhoid???"

Gyne: "Yes, a hemmorhoid."

Me: "A hemmorhoid... **silence** Whew! Thank you, Jesus!!! I just got a hemmorhoid! Yes!!! A hemmorhoid...that's what's up, right dere! **sigh of relief** Mayne, I gotta call somebody! We gon' be popping bottles!!!"

**blank stare**

I would have kicked my heels, but I didn't want to risk hitting her in the throat while having a speculum lodged in my nether-regions. I'm going back to get some bloodwork done AND I will be having my first mammogram (b/c of my family history) before this month is up. But I can't be too concerned about those outcomes b/c we're celebrating some minor swollen rectal veins TONIGHT, BABY!

Now I know that some of us just got a little too close for comfort...I'm just happy to be healthy. Let this serve as a humorous reminder to take our "big girl" or "big boy" pills and get ourselves checked.