speak life

I believe in speaking things into existence or, biblically paraphrasing, life and death are in the power of the tongue. However, if God is operating within the supernatural realm, and I'm operating within the natural, I believe that it takes both of our works to make something happen. I do believe in miracles, but I don't live my life in hope of one...I feel that that's how you get trapped into being stagnant and in wait mode. THERE ARE sometimes when you have to BE STILL, but I find that that's still considered an action b/c it's easier for me to push for something to happen and do things out of order. Other times, I have to keep it moving and I'm sure that God wants me moving too. And of course, I have to be in alignment with God's Word before I call God to the carpet, remind Him of His word, and ask that He bless a situation. I know that God can work some mess out but the goal should be to get from point A to point B, the quickest way possible.

And I said that, but yet, I feel as if I rambled way past the direction of my post. Back to life and death being in the power of the tongue...

I get frustrated, impatient, discouraged, angry (which is the main thing that I'm working on with Suzie B), and experience all of these negative emotions that I allow to author my lines in my life's script. Overall, I think that I am an optimist, but there are certain aspects of my life that I just can't seem to get a handle on. Most of the time, I'm not even conscious of it and I'll start killing something before it starts. And then there are those times when you'd rather undercut the blow of disappointment by talking a situation down just in case it doesn't come to fruition. B/C it's better to be surprised that it turned out better than you had planned, right? But I have been charging myself to speak life into those situations...no matter how damn-near dead I think they are...and just work on how I deal with the emotional aftermath if it wasn't for me to have. I have to remind myself CONSTANTLY that God is probably working something out in my favor in the long run, but He knows that I kicks a mad fuss about it now.

I was rapping to one of my good g/fs, prayer partnuh, and serial monogamist, Doc T, in Chi-Town last night. The last time that I talked to her, she was dating some guy that I never got the chance to hear the details on. That had to be about a month ago. But it seems that now, she has a new man (who may or may not officially be her man), but as she was describing his traits, I think that I exhaled for her. My g/fs and I have been in some sh*tty situations, but Doc T is the queen of some chronic bad relationship syndrome. But I have never...NEVER...heard her speak negatively about relationships. About the men that she dated? Yes, and they deserved a little more than one negative word or 2. But the whole idea of a relationship was never tainted for her. I think that she just took the attitude that she was learning about herself or that these men were being removed from her life so that God can make room for the one that He'd have for her. In the meantime, she'd have some fun, battle a little heartbreak, and get busy with the joys of her single life. Doc T is just so genuine, the sweetest woman that I know, and listening to her struggle with her Christian priniciples in this day and age of dating makes me chuckle sometimes. But I find her honesty and wit to be one of her most engaging and refreshing qualities. Sometimes she unknowingly lingers around that TMI realm, but there's still that unexplained innocence about her. She's just real.

In comparison, once a relationship dissolves for me, the first thing that I say is, "Dating is hazardous to my health" or "I don't want to be in a relationship" or "I'm not ready for a relationship." Truth be told...I want to be in a relationship, b/c eventually, I DO want to get married. I have to learn to be comfortable with admitting that, b/c I have to be true to my heart. And the whole "not ready for a relationship" phrase is crap. Whether or not I'm ready for a relationship...or the one that I desire...is in God's hands. I believe that sometimes He doesn't give you things b/c you're not mature enough to handle it correctly. Let me walk up on a man with a spiritual backbone, good job, excellent work ethic, SANE, allergic to drama, and can get his Emer.il on. I mean, a motivator, a trailblazer, a financial chief rocka that can match my wit and sexual appetite...if I told him to kick rocks b/c I so-called wasn't ready for a relationship, it must be b/c I'm smoking them. I don't know if God thinks that I'm ready for that, but I'm shaking my head HARD right about now. **Goes outside to point God towards my address and confirms that he has the right number**

Sure, there are many benefits to being single...I don't have to hear about how often I watch HGTV or compromise that b/c the game is on. I don't have to turn down the heat b/c other people are burning up in the house. I don't have to juggle a checkbook with another person, get mad b/c they impulsively bought a Playstation 10 or explain why I needed some new kicks or another wall sconce. But all of those compromises are small in comparison to the blessing of a healthy marriage. And it's b/c healthy marriages don't seem to be prevalent in our society that great care must be taken in the dating and relationship phases. I have to be patient. I have to be still. But first, I have to speak life into my situation. I DO want a relationship with the RIGHT man. And if I keep bumping into the wrong ones and not taking heed to my intuition or God's word, please let them be quickly removed. I'm young, but too old to fall back on not knowing what I want in a man. I know what I want or I, at the least, got the basics down...I won't even venture to speak on what I deserve. But right now, it's my prayer that I stay happy in my singleness so that I can recognize and deflect nonsense.

tiring...

It's old...and it saddens me.

I was going to leave it alone but since my hiatus, I have found some time to catch up on my faves and to do some blog surfing as I sometimes do on the weekends. I lurk semi-consistently on a few, but I was given the "heads up" about a particular "comment square off" that took place earlier in the week. I was determined to not look, but curiosity got the best of me.

I remember participating in a similar debate some years ago...if you would even call it a debate. I remember some commenters picking apart a few of my statements and twisting them around to such a degree that it was unrecognizable to ME that THAT'S what I was saying. I remember some belligerant banter when all intelligent debate was lost...which in my opinion, was lost somewhere around the first or second counter-argument. Not everyone will agree with my views, my lifestyle, or my choices...I know this. And not everyone will like me for one reason or another...I know this. If someone said, "I don't like runnin' with people that wear blue Nikes," I would be cool with that b/c I don't like runnin' with people who don't like runnin' with people with blue Nikes 'cuz I dons mine when I can. And that's it. You stay on your side of the track and I'll stay on mine...or in this case, the blogosphere.

But when you can't even make a statement...I mean TRULY, make a statement without belittling your opponent, that saddens me. Hell, you can't even make an innocent statement without fear of backlash. One commenter went so far as to browse through the other's blog and judge it by how many comments they receive. Is that what this whole thing has come to? I mean, really? Is the blog world about cliques, comments, and cosigns? I know, to some degree, there are a bunch of popularity contests popping off. It just doesn't move me. The conversation doesn't inspire me and if the purpose is to stir up conviction, they haven't even scratched the surface. It does make me rethink this whole blog thing as I have yet to form a consistent relationship with blogging since 2004. I guess that I should keep in mind that when someone logs onto the computer, they can be whoever they want to be. They can have the life that they never experienced offline. And I guess for them, I should be happy. But when I come here, I actually share a portion of my life's story. And to think that someone could take issue with something that I said and decide to browse through my archives in order to beef up their stance by attempting to disparage me in some way or another...it saddens me.

What makes it worse is when I witness someone trying DESPARATELY to be accepted by some people that they don't even know from Adam or Eve. Nobody on this thing takes responsibility for me and mine other than me. FORGET (Lord, it took everything within me to not use the word that I am so well-acquainted with) them...and once again, life goes on. These people aren't feelin' you and they for sure, aren't tryin' to hear you. It's the same as turning up the volume during an in-person argument...it doesn't make it more palatable...it doesn't break it down to the uneducated ear...it's just noise. I do wonder what it would be like for these people to encounter each other face to face JUST SO that I can witness how quickly the "computer bad-a$$edness" dissipates.

Some years ago (and beyond), peeps were making gross generalizations, dressing up stereotypes as statistics, and just plain out displaying their self-righteous attitudes towards anything that wasn't "them"...claiming that holding court on these blogs was one step towards advancing the community. Uh, sure...and my blue Nikes make me run faster. But I guess that that's the only way we know how to act...to shun those that are not like us or do not subscribe to our beliefs. That debate (way back when) was just the regular, run-of-the-mill spinning of wheels (by what might as well been the self-proclaimed moral majority) with no benefit aside from the joy that some commenters might have received from reading their OWN opinions over and over again and patting themselves on the back (or being thrown a cosign or 2 from their inner blog circle), feeling as if "I told them!" **Cue laugh track from Good Times w/ the occasional "Right On!" in the background**

And today? ~SMH~

The same. It's pointless. It's old...and it saddens me.

seeing red

I just hate that I left that post up for a week with no follow-up...I don't mind being ghost for a week, but I'd rather go out on a happy-go-lucky-life-is-grand note. I think that the hardest thing to admit isn't necessarily that I started seeing a counsellor. It's actually harder to admit that I'm not as happy as I could be...or feel that I should be...to such a degree that I felt that I SHOULD see a counsellor. Part of me feels ashamed about that considering all of the positives in my life. I put it "out there", but it wasn't my intent to focus on that. My goal is to MOVE ON and MOVE UP. I thank all that commented for their essays comments...some teetering on the spiritual, some more clinical, all thought-provoking and helpful.

One of the reasons why I haven't blogged in a week has been b/c I have been sick with a capital S. It came on like a thief in the night. I was having a pretty good Tuesday. I had class that afternoon and once I got back to my desk, I saw a note from one of the VPs. His wife (who's from Biloxi) made some gumbo and he left some in the communal fridge for me. Hot dog!!! Peeps be on the lookout for a sista. I shared some with my work-husband, Promance, and everything was all good. Shortly after and not as a result of eating the gumbo, I felt as if I swallowed 10,000 knives. Earlier, I was feeling kinda "off", but the germs hadn't fully taken over until then. And by the next morning, you could stick a fork in me 'cuz I was done. I'm not sure if it was a common cold or the flu, but the kind of sick where my skin hurt. I felt EVERY movement in my sleep. I normally stick to one side of my bed but if I were sharing it with someone else, they would've been on the floor. Yes, the past 3 days have been a blur and how I managed to drop off/pick up JJ from school, nothing short of a miracle. Thank God I'm on the other side of THAT mountain b/c my dad, once again, reminded me of why I miss my mommy.

Me: Hey dad.

Dad: **cough, snort, cough**
Me: Are you sick too?
Dad: I got sumthin'...this whole change of weather and %^&*.
Me: Oh, I've been out of work for the past 3 days.
Dad: Uh, I left some Crown Royal on that top shelf in that closet in your kitchen.
Me: What am I s'posed to do with that?
Dad: I dunno, but that's what I've been drinking while I've been sick.

Anyways...

I also started a new project.

I woke up one morning and decided that I wanted a red wall. This is Ralph Lauren's Venetian Red. In the process, I discovered a new fave site, BeJane.Com, but painting a wall red is NOT for the faint of heart. I wish that I had known all of what I was about to go through before I took on this project, b/c I would've left that paint in the store. So far, I have painted my kitchen (mocha), my hallway (some cute and playful green), and my master bath (some soothing blue to match the stripe in my shower curtain)...as the spirit moved me. Not one of those projects took more than 2 coats, excluding my kitchen b/c I had this bright idea to do a colorwashing technique which was cool for about 3 days, but somewhere around the 4th, I couldn't take it anymore. But red is a whole 'nother animal. After 2 coats, I was becoming a bit worried...and then sickness settled in, which put off any subsequent coats until I felt as if I could stand up for long periods of time. Well, what you see is after coat number 5...and whether it looks done or not, it will have to do. I got some more touch-ups to do and hopefully, I can get it done soon (without having a relapse) so that I can get my Co to come over and move my TV and armoire back in its position. It would be kinda nice to have things back to normal for when my girlfriend from home comes up to visit me, the kid, and my not-so-sure-if-its-still-considered-country abode next weekend. Hell, I hope that I still like it next weekend.

all I need is one mic

2008 MANDATE #3: DO...be a good friend. DO NOT...be someone's dumping ground. Know when to turn someone's mic off.

I don't know how many mandates I will cover this year. No promises. I'm kinda slow...I own that. I'm just trying to jot down a few personal rules that will make this year all that it can be.

I keep track of how often I talk about a particular problem to a friend. Now, if I keep bringing it up, then obviously that's a sign that it stands unresolved in my mind. Unresolved or not, that doesn't mean that I have to run the same dayum issue into the ground until I'm at peace with it. It's certainly not fair to the listener and it's just annoying as hell to me. There's some sort of buzzer that goes off in my head when I feel like I have officially given some problem too much power. THEN, I give myself a timeout...get my cot, blanket, head to the corner, lol...or I blog the hell out of it, whichever comes first. I have yet to see someone run from me, if they see me coming so that's a good sign. And normally, I'm asked, "Whatever happened with such and such..." and that let's me know that I'm pretty successful with nuisance control.

But there are some people that just can't take the hint.

I think that I am a good friend...a great friend. I encourage people to share things with me...I may actually have good advice, if asked. But there's a difference between talking through a problem and whining about a problem. I HATE whining. I don't know too many people that live for it, but whining makes my skin crawl. I must be pretty good at cutting that off at home, b/c I can't recall the last time that J whined about something. But I CAN recall checking out a few times with adults...counting seconds before my well-timed "unh hunh"s turn into "what" and "say that again." I CAN recall feeling as if I needed medical attention or an I.V. to replenish the fluids that I lost while listening to someone's long whiny a$$ story. I CAN recall thinking that hearing someone's problem had worse side effects than birth control.

Case and point...

Bruh-coworker (BCW) and I have been friends/church mates for a year now. When I first started working at the J.O.B., we hit it off immediately. We trade war stories and b/c we attend the same church, we find comfort in knowing that the other is not going to give some non-Christian advice but we're not gonna pull any punches either. However, this dude is the reason why I question if I want to get married or not. Oftentimes, he'll stroll through the spot with a long face...begging me to ask him "what's wrong?" with his eyes. Sometimes, I take the bait...most times, I don't want to be bothered. Reason being, I can't listen to not one more story about how your wife ain't on the same page with you...how you hate going home to her attitude...how she doesn't listen to you...how any other man would've left her by now...blah-cubed. As I have blogged before...I've got my own issues. I'm trying to get my stuff nipped in the bud for 2008. Ain't no way in hell, I'm carrying my issues and someone else's...my shoulders just aren't broad enough. And I knew this negro was coming with his nonsense, so since I've returned from my vacay, I've been keeping my headphones on...whether I'm listening to music or not, that is my visual "Do Not Disturb."

**Sigh** "Sis..."

Here we go...I start thinking that I'm an enabler. He keeps whining about his problems b/c I make him feel too comfortable with doing it. SO, I need to either tell him to MAN UP or say something really absurd so that he'll keep it moving. I decided to go the absurd route but I was bouncing around the idea of whether or not I should tell him to go home and put a foot in her a$$. Obviously, I do not advocate domestic violence, but I knew that THAT would be a verbal slap to the face and maybe...just maybe...he'd snap out of it. I decided on something a 1/2 step down the previous thought.

"Yo, get a divorce..."

The look on his face was priceless. He was probably trying to decipher if I had flipped my wig. His sister in Christ actually allowed the d-word to fall from her lips...well, it's better than the d in domestic violence, yes? Sounds crazy? Maybe. But he had to think that I was crazy if he assumed that I was going to spend another year listening to tales of his wife's stank behavior. I reminded him that this was a New Year and he has 2 options...stick with it or kick rocks, buddy. And then his mic was turned off.

Could I have been nicer? Probably, but I think that that was a 2007 mandate. It's really for the best. I should be considered for a raise for our increase in productivity, alone.

clean slate

Google is my friend.

2008 MANDATE #1: Save myself the heartache. Start w/ a clean slate!

Recycling is good. Recently, I wore a "shut it down" dress, borrowed shoes, and recycled jewelry (i.e. resisted the urge to buy something new) for my company's Holiday Gala. THAT'S what's hot on the streets! In my line of work and most recent certification, I am to promote going GREEN...from using recycled materials to rainwater recycling for water conservation. THAT'S what's hot on the streets! Recycling a man b/c you feel more comfortable with accepting the M.O. of one that you've already dated versus taking the time to learn the M.O. of one that you don't already know??? Someone needs to be SHOT on the streets!

Now, originally, Mack suggested that JJ and I come up to visit. At last we corresponded, he said that he would be in L.A. for some time this month, then back home for some time next month, blah-cubed...he would let me know the dates once he finds out. And this is exactly what I remember...no surprise there. With him, business is on the frontburner while everything else bubbles over in the back. And that's the problem...he would say something to turn up the heat, I would get all warm to the idea that an "us" was a possibility, and then SPLAT, my emotions would spill over. But he always had the smoothest out...his career. But what about the mess that was made? Who's gonna clean that shyt up?

So, today I decided to do a little snoop-surfing. And with him, it's hard b/c unlike typing in my gubment name into the search engine, you get 50-11 million results...all for him. So, I had to get crafty and type in keywords, quotes, asterisks, and other random crap just to sift through the nonsense and find something of substance. I didn't find anything with regard to him currently being in a relationship and the last thing mentioned about him having a crush was written this time, last year. But I did; however, spot a forum where a couple of ladies were discussing him. Nothing bad was mentioned...just my thoughts reiterated. One broad was bragging about how he invited her to some high profile event...yet, she was asking if the other ladies in the forum knew of him. One said that he goes to clubs a lot...um, ok. Another said that he used to date her girl but it didn't work out b/c he was too focused on his career. She even added that if said chick didn't call or take his calls, that was what got his attention. Nothing bad, but it made me ask myself...how often do you read a book when you already know the end? How many times do you read the SAME book when you hated the ending?

I don't knock a man's hustle. And I am actually pretty proud of his accomplishments, but I have to get real. I can run my a$$ up to NY and make him have an orgasm with enough seismic energy to crack a marble floor. Then what??? And not that that's what I think that our relationship is all about...nor am I plotting. I just don't want to spend even a small portion of this year cleaning up a mess. It's tired and it's tiring.

So for 2008, clean slate...no recycling or reheating short-term romances. That is so NOT HOT on these streets.

no resolutions

No resolutions. They really don't last the whole year anyways...maybe the first quarter, at best. No superstitions. I am washing clothes and if this causes people to be washed out of my life like granny said, then so be it. No black eyed peas, no cabbage, and no dinner table bribes...just pizza, buffalo wings, honey buns, and ice cream sandwiches and a little ebay browsing. No toasting, singing, partying, or praying at the midnight hour...I hugged the excited boy, put on some Frank Sin.atra, and dodged HEARTFELT texts that inundated my inbox. No expiration date on the goals that I had last year and no deep introspection this year. The only thing that I'm clinging to...the only thing that I believe...

2008 is gonna be great...period.

I'm enjoying my final day of relaxation...still listening to "ol' blue eyes" and rambling football commentators. I'm trying to fight off the early stages of homesickness with cherry kool-aid and my comfy sweats. Although I had to master the art of picking my battles with pops, I'm going to miss him and am feeling a little sad to see him go. I may take down these Christmas decorations...then again, I may just watch a movie or beat the brakes off of JJ in this ongoing WWE wrestling tourney that we have going on playstation. I hope to win the canvas set that I bid on, but if not, oh well. Today, everything will be easy...and that's how I want the remaining 365 to be. And they will b/c the only thing that I'm clinging to...the only thing that I believe...

2008 is gonna be great...period.

My hopes for the year...that my blackened chicken will be less salty, that I will have more than doubled my real estate investment, that love finds me, that I rekindle my fire for my Lord, that JJ continues to be healthy, that I get a nice raise, that I benefit from counselling, that I laugh more, that I'm more productive, that I maintain focus, that I develop a taste for wine, that I take that cruise for my 30th birthday, that my hair continues to grow, that my skin begins to glow, that some really good movies are released, that good music is redefined, that my friendships are strengthened, that weak associations are loosed, and that 2008 is great, etc., etc., period.