freaked

Last night, I had a nightmare.

I was walking around an unfamiliar house with a chick (that had a familiar face, but I figure that I just conjured up her appearance in my mind). Anyways, we were opening doors and looking into different rooms, but mostly kept pacing the halls and looking at the same rooms over and over again. She was pretty and seemed very sweet, very cool, almost innocent and appeared to be in my age group.

It gets weird b/c in one of the rooms; there was a floor model television set that was on. The chick was oblivious to the television show, but I was tripping b/c the woman that was being interviewed on the screen was the same woman that I was walking around with. She kept moving, but I stopped to look at the television. It was the same chick, but in the future…and I then realized that I was the only one that could see it. She was dressed kinda whore-ish but what drew my eye was that I could see pieces of her flesh torn apart on different areas of her body. She was being eaten by something internally and I could still see the bugs crawling out from one sore and into another. They didn’t look like maggots, but she certainly looked like a talking dead body as they were crawling everywhere. The bugs looked more like spiders, but they had long, red legs about the same color as her fingernail polish and her ripped shirt. Not once did she swat one or brush one off while she was talking…they seemed to be very much a part of her. She had bruises on her face, but mostly around her mouth. And as I’m taking in her future image on the television screen, I looked back at the chick still roaming around the house as her present unharmed, innocent-looking self.

When I turned back to the screen, she was talking to someone off-camera…saying something about a man that she was dealing with. She was VERY passionate about this guy. I don’t know what was said by the person off-camera, but she was driven to tears and seemed to be in denial about the state of her relationship with him. I assumed that the reason she looked like this was b/c of the man that she was currently dating and defending on screen.

I ran back to see if she was still walking around the house…and she was. I stopped her, grabbed her arms, and just stared at her. I couldn’t say anything. I was standing there, looking into her eyes…her pretty face…while trying to figure out how I can prevent her from meeting whatever man she was going to meet, who would do this to her. She just kept looking at me dumbfounded…wondering why I stopped her from walking around the house.

I then woke up…very disturbed.

And you know what? I’m not so sure that I was looking at her in the future. A part of me now thinks that it was already too late.

Weird, isn’t it? I haven't been right all day.

wasted

I WAS CUTE...until I puked on my shoes.

So, about 14 of us showed out at this restaurant on the night of my birthday. I was surprised that THAT many came out for me. I was even MORE surprised that my cousin was not included in that bunch, but oh well. Now, I was having a delightful day, leading into a wonderful night. We were having a ball being loud, somewhat obnoxious, and 2 drinks past "tipsy"...which was ok, b/c a DJ showed up around 10 o'clock and we were drowned out.

As the story was told to me, lol, I kept motioning for the waitress to bring me another apple martini...two fingers pointed towards the rim of my glass, lips pursed just enough to spit, "Keep the party going." These broads kept telling me to slow down, but they were just so tasty...plus, my mouth hadn't gone numb which USED TO BE my sign that I may have had enough to drink. And I thought, who were they to talk when they would randomly sing Happy Birthday to me throughout the night and were snapping pictures of each other throwing up gang signs...I'm laughing b/c every last one of these women are professional, but that night, maybe a little more crunk. But anyway, that wasn't even my biggest mistake as I thought that apple martinis and fish tacos were a good mix.

I was actually fine after the fourth martini. And then I thought that "catching the wall" and dancing suggestively with a chair was a good idea...again, I thought! I remember Goth Girl, the most unlikely chick out the whole bunch to play mama to me, leaned over and said that when I needed to go to the bathroom that all I had to do was just tap her and we'd take off. I believe there was a 5 second lag between when it left her mouth and when I heard it b/c it only took 5 seconds for me to say, "Let's go now."

I JUST made the stall.

She was in there with me the whole time as I became the "loving" drunk, telling her how I'm so glad that we're friends as I had my head hovered over the toilet. She just kept patting my back saying, "I know honey" **pat, pat**..."I'm glad too" **pat, pat**..."awww, how sweet." **Pat, pat** Something tells me that she's used to playing this role.

And THEN the Cu.pid Shuf.fle came on while I was still jacking up this stall. But AGAIN, I THOUGHT it a good idea to show Goth Girl that I knew how to do it...ya know, while still cramped up in this now stank a$$ stall. Once I became more than a little bit dizzy, more of the fish tacos decided that they had spent enough time in my stomach. And then I was done.

This is when everything got blurry, b/c I preferred to put my head on the sink over washing my hands. Tee had come in the bathroom and was laughing her a$$ off, while both of them furiously tried to fix my hair. We left the bathroom.

I don't remember too much after that aside from my girl, Law from high school, and Tee each holding my hands and walking me to Tee's truck. We were headed to my usual crash spot, Tee's house.

Somewhere along the highway, I asked Tee to pull over, leaped out of the truck, totally miscalculated the slope of the ground, almost tumbled, and then puked on my shoes.

The question is....after all THAT, do you think that anyone noticed?

**SMH**

I's an OG!!!

This is ME!!! TODAY! On my birthday!!! Sue me, we're not Ol.an Mills over hea, but when I saw that Leezarus put my blogger pic on blast, I figured that I could step outside of my comfort zone with a more updated non-closeup.

Zoom in S30...you MIGHT be able to see the "pank" toenail polish and I guess those shoes are more sandal than they are peep toes, but you know waaayyyy more than me in the shoe dept. I sometimes wonder if the reason that we hooked up is b/c my momma tapped God on the shoulder and said, "Can you make sure she rubs off on my daughter? I'm so tired of looking at my baby with no lipstick on and a soulja rag." Well, I bought 3 dresses in the last 2 months, so I know that momma is kicking her heels now!

I've only officially been 30 y/o for 8 hours, but it has been a blast. I swear that I almost scorched the concrete b/c I was hot like fiyah today. And yes, it's MY day and I WILL talk much sh**!

My dad and JJ surprised me with cupcakes this morning and then I got an edible arrangement. Leezarus put a rush on those cookies...those cookies that I was s'posed to receive 6-8 months ago...and I've been munching on those bamas since I popped the tin. About 12 of my coworkers took me out to lunch and I got ice cream with sparklers in it...enough to singe my already non-existant eyebrows. I would say that peeps are trying to thicken a sista.

But it's ok. It's all love.

Today, I felt so much love from everyone around me that I got kinda teary-eyed. God has surely surrounded me with some great people. I had some friends that told me that turning 30 is rather anti-climactic. I sooooooo disagree. I woke up this morning saying, "I made it!" I felt the anticipation building all week and I'm far from disappointed today. I had a talk with God last night. I said, "Ya know, I have had many trials and tribulations in the past 30 years. Do you think that you can throw a sista a bone in the next 30?" I think He heard me...more importantly, I think that He felt me.

I'M STILL HERE IN MY RIGHT MIND!!!

I looked around my house and thought of how I only came to Rich.mond with my baby and 2 suitcases. And we made it! I looked at my JJ and thought of how I had no idea of what to do with a kid when I got pregnant. Now, he's the sweetest, yet silliest future preppie that you ever want to meet. We made it! I looked at old pictures of my momma and I remembered telling her that if something ever happened to her, then I wouldn't want to live. It was touch and go for a moment but, I'm still here...standing, stepping, STOMPING through life. Yes, I made it! And then I thought about the men that I dated...mostly the ones that tried to kill my spirit. HA! I made it...without your sorry a$$es (no offense, lol)!

So I'm toasting to the next 30 (which absolutely, positively HAS to be better than the last) with some lady friends tonight. Not sure if I'm coming home...not sure what all I'll remember...but I'm gon' beat the breaks out of this birthday!

WITH my soulja rag!

mudcats

That's my boy...aka...LL Cool JJ...bka Kanye Jr.

I know that this is not a REAL blog, but a sista hardly has time to BREATHE lately! The jury's still out on whether that is a good or bad thing...but at least, work has eased up on my hindparts for the moment.

Check THIS story out. This has been one of the cutest things that I've ever read recently and incidentally my son plays for the Mudcats...in VA, of course. Why doesn't this stuff happen to us???

Gotta a lot to talk about later...HOLLA!

under pressure

I've been a walking stress ball lately. I'll probably be on edge until I get this huge project at work out of the door. I worked a little this weekend and planned to REALLY tear it up today but AutoCAD kept crashing on me and, needless to say, I had to walk it out a few times just to unhunch my shoulders and deflate my chest. It's coming down to crunchtime and I'm hoping to get as much done as possible so that it doesn't encroach upon weekend.

As I mentioned before, my dad will be in town this Saturday and I have my list ready for him. I was frustrated this past weekend, b/c I tried to do some of the projects myself and it was a bust. My toilet has been broken for who knows how long and I've been losing weight running up and down the stairs to go to the bathroom. I finally decided to get the molasses out my a$$ and fix it. I gutted it, but I couldn't remove the tank b/c the nuts wouldn't loosen to save my life. I put a killing on my hands trying to hold the bolts in place with a flathead while simultaneously trying to work the nuts off with a wrench and eventually conceded defeat. I threw the tools on the floor and left the scene of the crime. My dad asked me why I couldn't just wait. I could. But I wanted to do it myself...and I was disappointed aggravated that I couldn't do something so simple.

Along with that, a few weeks ago, my closet door came off into my hand and almost took me out. I've had that dayum thing propped up against almost every wall downstairs...constantly moving it out of my way. I finally got some new bifold doors from Home De.pot, mounted them, and voila...those mofos wouldn't close. I was pi$$ed! I tried everything from shifting the track and adjusting the height, but when I re-measured my old doors, I realized that the previous owner had cut off 1/4 of an inch off one of the doors. I was none too pleased...especially since I used Tee's truck to pick them bad boys up. I had to run some errands that day anyway, so I decided to pass by Home De.pot and ask their suggestion for cutting doors without using a circular saw. They sized me up...agreed that I was a woman...and gave me some stupid answer that I think (don't really recall) was supposed to be funny. And then one of the guys (who looks like he works there for the sheer joy of being around power tools and not for getting a paycheck) said that he would cut the doors down for me for free and gave me his card. I was thrilled...and motivated...and somehow I got these 80" tall bamas in my Corolla. Granted, J sat in the front and I was practically screwing my steering wheel but it worked. I asked Larry to cut 1/8th of an inch off both, sped back home b/c I couldn't control my lead foot being that close to the pedal, and they FIT. FINALLY, a victory for the home team.

Did I use that energy to tackle that toilet again? Nope, there are just some dreams that I have to let go. So although my last post was all about the fun in decorating, playing Ms. Fix It is not always a thrill. I was asking one of the the other t-ball parents about tips to house maintenance. He said that I should get very chummy with my coworkers and bake them goodies, so that they can do it for me. WTF for when I can do it myself? There are certain things that I can't do, such as moving select pieces of furniture or any electrical work but I'm not about to play Betty Cr@ckhead for anybody just to get something done. I was told by another woman that my independence was admirable. In the same week, I was told that my independence was a turn off by a man. I couldn't even give that latter statement the energy that it deserved...on second thought, maybe I did when I ignored it.

I already felt somewhat exhausted today for trying to finish up several little projects, working from home, and cleaning the house over the weekend. I've been carrying a headache on and off for a few days and then I allowed something to bother me at work which only led me to being mad at myself. I think that Jesse has been waiting for the opportunity to push my buttons and not only did I open the door, I invited him in and propped his feet up on my table. The thing is, I'm not so much mad about the verbal reaction that I gave him as I am about the internal reaction that was brewing inside.

Anyway, after yelling at JJ for the 10 millionth time about tip-toeing to a doggone base at his t-ball game, I was spent. I took him to Ri.ta's and got us both mango gelatis with vanilla custard. As I was savoring its goodness, it dawned on me. I haven't been on a date in a while...with myself. The only time that I am without my baby is during the summer...I believe that he's only stayed with someone else 3 times over the past year and and only one was an overnight stay. Otherwise, he was with me whenever I hung out, with me whenever someone special came over, and just plain ole with me! I have to squeeze my Friday happy hours therapy sessions with the girls in before I pick JJ up from afterschool care. I decided that after all of the hustle and bustle that I have to do next Saturday, that I was going to take myself to a movie.

I told Tee that I was going to see $ex In the City and she said that she already asked her man to go. I was confused for a second, b/c that had nothing to do with me. She then said that if he decided to not go, then she would call me. I have been hanging tight with friends a lot lately...this was something that I planned to do by myself. I don't want company...I just want "me" time with a big bowl of nachos heaping with jalapenos and a super-pi$$ drink. I might go for some dessert afterwards, but the point is, I need a break from everything and everybody. My car is not the only thing running on E.

it's our anniversary

Aiight, aiight...so I've been slacking. Many things have happened within the month, but I will just concentrate on J and I celebrating our first anniversary in our home. I hadn't reinstated my blog back when I was in the process of buying my house, but trust me, it felt like I was PMS'ing for a whole month until closing...my email gal pals know. In fact, witnessing S23 go through it is exciting b/c I'm on the other end this time. When she visited, she asked me if I pictured myself in the house that I bought before I bought it. I believe that my response was a scrunched-up-nosed-"Naw".

I looked at many houses online for about a year while I was trying to get my credit and finances straight. I knew that I would have to make some compromises within my price point b/c VA presented a bit of sticker shock for me in comparison to the N.O. pre-Katrina. But there were certain things that I refused to budge on. My JJ enjoyed his social life within the county t-ball league and his before/afterschool daycare so I wanted to keep him within the same vicinity as my apartment. I had only 2 schools that I wanted him to attend BUT I didn't want to have to drive on a major street to get to them. I absolutely HAD to be closer to an interstate on-ramp and preferably close to everywhere I needed to be...grocery stores, Home Depot, restaurants, fast food joints, shopping, etc. As far as inside, the normal 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom, and if my master bath did not have a tub in it, it was immediately stricken from the list. Oh, and my baby said that he wanted a vegetable garden and one of those play houses in the backyard. I have yet to get to either of these projects, but I saw how some of the houses in my area had backyards that sloped straight down and told my then realtor that we didn't have to continue looking around those. I bet she was hot with me when I did that.

Never in my life had I seen so much wood panelling, to' up carpet, and bedrooms that could double as walk-in closets. I would constantly mumble to myself, "Is this all that I can get for the money?" I finally saw this great home in a nice family-oriented neighborhood within a 5-minute walking distance from the school that J went to. The colors were not my taste and the carpet had a lot to be desired but it had several bright kitchen windows, 2 and a half baths and a jetted tub. I was feeling it...but not for the seller's price. I asked my realtor about negotiating the price and she straight up told me, "I wouldn't offer them anything less than what they're asking for." I looked at her like she had lost her mind. I walked off to think about it and then I overheard her on the phone with my mortgage broker, her girl, shoo-shooing and whatnot. It was then that I realized that she was not working for me. I quickly let her and her girl go after a verbal disagreement...and I also let go of the idea of living in that house. It was a nice house, but I didn't get that butterfly feeling that my momma got when she walked into the house that I grew up in. So I kept it moving.

I got another realtor, who is incidentally one of my girlfriends now, and another mortgage broker, who I admired for her business savvy....this hea became my home glam squad. The pickings got better as time grew closer to summer and I started having to think on properties for a little longer than my quick dismissal. Then one day, I saw 2 houses for the same price...and liked both of them. Both were located within cul-de-sacs. One of them didn't have an eat-in kitchen, but DID have a dining room. It also had a clean, level, and small front yard and a tree-less backyard facing a street. Some of the perks were a fireplace and it was only 10 years old. It was 5 minutes away from my apartment and J would've been able to stay at his school. J LOVED this house.

The other one was located within a neighborhood that had a park-like setting...it had a huge treed front yard and a jungle in the back. It also had a nice country porch, skylights, a cute sunroom, a loft, and a window in both bathrooms (for some reason, that was important to me). It lacked the fireplace and was around 20 years old. It was about 10 minutes away from my apartment and J would've had to change schools. However, it was within a 5-minute drive from all kinds of grocery stores, fast food joints, nice restaurants, a Home Depot, shopping (including a Pier One), his new school, and an interstate on-ramp. Oh and another thing...it gave me that butterfly feeling upon opening the door. I LOVED this house. This house was different and not at all what I pictured myself in...it was better, even with the compromises. So, I bought this...

...my country abode. Although J changed schools, he ended up going to one of 2 schools that I had in mind...which turned out to be better for him. He still remains at the same before/afterschool care and plays within the same t-ball league.

It has taken much time, money, and work over the past year to get this place feeling like home but it was worth it. I have much more to do but here's my progress so far.

The #1 reason why my funds are low...despite J's pleading to save the trees and the birds, those trees had to go.

I have all kinds of plans for my front porch and yard (and it is so dangerous living this close to a Pier One), but I think that this a huge improvement. Hey, I JUST installed my pole and Welcome flag (pictured at the top...ya'll can tell that LadyBug lives there,right?)...after a year! I had a lovely Welcome mat with the breast cancer awareness logo on it at my apartment...that somebody STOLE from my front door. I figured that I'd go about things differently at my house...

I couldn't find one that said "Jump crazy if you want to, but we'll kill you!" (Maybe you can knit me one, Leezarus). Anyways, my home, sweet home...

BEFORE

AFTER

BEFORE

AFTER

BEFORE

AFTER

BEFORE

AFTER (downstairs livingroom)

AFTER (upstairs loft/office)

BEFORE

AFTER

Mayne, I've accumulated a lot of stuff in a year. I guess that not having a lot of things in the beginning was good, since I was able to decorate the house taking its bones and original character into account. My dad will be here next week, so I already have a list of things for him to do tacked to my board. I hope to paint both JJ's and my bedrooms next month and get going on Operation Curb Appeal. My neighbor down the street, while walking his dog, said, "Hey, things are looking good over there." I told him that I had a ways to go. He said, "You'll soon learn that you'll run out of money before you run out of ideas."

LOL, he ain't neva' lied! It's been a good year.