I NEED

Lately, I have been going through the motions. Can't say that I'm depressed necessarily...I just haven't felt like myself. I was looking through some old pictures and came across this dance photo from when I was 5 years old.

I did ballet, tap, and gymnastics for about 7 years. There are (maybe) 5 other professional photos like that one, some looking as if I were about to step off the dance stage and accept my dozen roses and tiara on the pageant runway. I loved dancing, but then I just decided that I wanted my afternoons to myself and that was that.

I'm sure that it may have been easier on my mom's pockets when I quit, but maybe she wanted to see how far I could go.

I don't want to push J to do anything that he doesn't want to do, but every time he draws something or throws something that he built over my loft railing to see if it'll fly, I just want to encourage the artistic side of him. Especially since my mom could draw really well and that gift was discarded. And then I used to dabble in drawing, painting, and building and now....nada.

J did tae kwon do for 2 years and then decided that it wasn't for him. I wanted him to keep going (b/c I thought that he looked so cute in his uniform) but oh well. Now, he's in love with his drama class...oh, and if I ever tried to take baseball away from him, it will be the equivalent to cutting off his left arm. He's finally old enough to play basketball for his school, so that's something else that we're looking forward to in January. And of course, his most recent activity is cub scouts. I also signed us up for more FREE Saturday morning art classes at the local visual arts museum since we enjoyed the previous ones so much.

This is all fine and good, but I NEED something. Something separate and apart from J. Problem is, I have no idea what that is. I used to do karate and only advanced one belt, I think, before I quit. I probably stuck around THAT long b/c my instructor was kinda hot. I have no idea what race he was but he was just so bronzed and beautiful...and lethally sexy. Anyway, I used to do kickboxing and enjoyed getting all of my aggression out on the bag. That was great...the counter-productive part was when me and my g/f would walk right across the street to this greasy spoon and get these huge stacked burgers, onion rings, and the thickest milkshakes in town. Yeah, it was like going to the "Pe.ach Pit" b/c the owner knew us...and our workout clothes.

I can't explain it...I feel as if I'm shrinking. I work my schedule around J's and I'm not complaining b/c that's my job. But there's more to me than just being a mom. I'm not talking about hanging out at the club or anything b/c I could never go to a club again and be fine with that. And I'm not talking about companionship b/c that need is currently being met as well. I just want something to call my own...something that's not going to cost me an arm, a leg, and a pancreas b/c my money is tied up in J's activities as it is. Something that I can look forward to going to or doing.

I don't know what it is, but I NEED.

the flu vs. neighborhood kids

So, I spent the weekend recovering from what my PCP diagnosed as H1N1. I started feeling the onset of some cold symptoms last Tuesday. I tried Zi.cam, Emergen-C, Tylen.ol, etc. However, by Wednesday it was a code 10, woman down. I fought my way through the workday and even went to work on Thursday thinking that the meds just needed more time to work. Well...by lunchtime, my body was hurting so bad that I couldn't bare to sit in an upright position. I went home, self-medicated, and laid it down.

When I went to the doctor on Friday, he told me that unless I had any other issues like diabetes or pregnancy that he couldn't treat me b/c the CDC recommended against it. So I asked, "Since you can't treat me, then that must mean that it's ok for me to go back to work." I got the hard stare, but I was pissed. Thank God, I had an ear infection b/c otherwise my copay would've only been to receive his deepest sympathy. He prescribed amoxycillin for my ear infection and sent me on my way.

Now, I understand why he'd rather not treat me but it's hard to take in when I have to sleep sitting up b/c I couldn't breathe while lying down. And it's hard to take in when I'm trying to stay away from my child, who doesn't understand the concept of personal space when speaking to me and who loves to eat food and drink after me. I was mostly upset b/c I didn't want to take the time off from work, damn whoever I could've possibly been infecting.

But indeed, I needed that day and this weekend to recuperate. My weekend plans got thrown out of the window but some things will just have to be rescheduled and the other commitments...well, people just had to understand.

Aside from sounding like a muppet, I feel much better. My patience has taken a dive though. While resting on Friday, my doorbell rang. I could hear the gang of children outside, recently released from school. J caught the bus to the afterschool care, b/c I was trying to get in as much resting time as possible. I ignored the bell and turned over. They rang it again and then I hear, "I know they're home b/c the car is here and there's a light on. They're just not answering the door." Then, one of those rascals, who I've dubbed Denn.is the Men.ace, twisted my doorknob, as if he were about to investigate the situation. And that's when I lost it.

I'm not even sure if my feet even touched the steps as I flew down there and swung the door open. I glared at all 5-6 of them. The kid standing on my porch might've almost pissed himself. I say (very annoyed), "J is NOT here. He will NOT be here until after 5:30. And whoever touched my doorknob, DO NOT do it again." SLAM! I'm sure that I am campaigning to be the meanest mommy on the block. It seems that my kid is the only one that does homework, has chores and other activities, and has to be home before dark.

Yesterday was quiet b/c it rained all day.

Today, however, here comes Den.nis the Men.ace. I told J that he had some things to do before he was allowed to go outside and play.

J: I'll be down there later.

Dennis: Well, what time?

J: I don't know...just later.

Dennis: Well, I need to know...do you think around 1 or 2...

Me (shouting from upstairs): Uh, J will get there WHEN he gets there. And if he misses you, then OH WELL!

Screw that...the only person that J has to answer to is ME! I do not care for this kid. And then J is too nice and takes too long to shut some foolishness down. I'm trying not to be THAT momma, but it's getting kinda hard. Especially, when all of my energy should be focused on feeling better. Really...I am as nice and sweet as they come but my patience is thinning by the year. I know that this is something that I need to work on b/c I don't really want to be labeled the angry or mean woman.

Anyway, looking forward to a productive week and uh....HOW 'BOUT DEM SAINTS?!!!

WHO DAT!!!

crooked letter, I presents...

...another random blog.

It has been so long since I wrote about something aside from my mundane life. I have a drafted "angry" blog, but I feel as if the moment has passed and it doesn't even make sense for me to post it. Anyway...

Do any of you work with the "Is something wrong?" guy? My God, every-damn-day, he stands in front of my cube "checking on me". He is getting on my nerves. I'm thinking that he feels some sort of guilt. When I came in on Friday, I overheard my name when he was speaking to my supervisor. I startled him when he saw me and then all of a sudden he says, "Hey **gubment name**"...a little too nervously for my taste. I'm already paranoid, so I assumed that he may have been in the process of trying to throw me under the bus. I happily walked my ass around to his cube and stood there while he finished speaking with my supervior. After they finished their discussion, I confronted him. He was overly nice then...praising me and whatnot.

My coworkers in my department say that since I've been there, everything has been 99% better as far as this dude is concerned. Apparently, he likes to dictate minus the clout. He is really short with people and has no sense of accountability. But for some reason, according to them, he is afraid of me. He has never said anything crazy to me to my face and I'm sure that after I confronted him on Friday, he won't dare try me. It's funny b/c I am so non-threatening. I'm 5'3" on a good day and petite. I'm not sure if it's my race, 'fro or this "make 'em think you crazy" look that I like to sport. I could care less if he's walking on eggshells around me, all I want to do is my job and do it well. So far, so good. I've been getting nothing but kudos...so, he SHOULD BE scared.

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While playing around on the internet, I came across this picture of Lau.ryn Hill...

I'm not sure if she's loc'd, twisted, braided or what in this picture but I love the shape of her do'. It may be a little difficult for me to achieve since my sides are shorter than the top of my hair, but it motivated me to keep pushin'. This is what my coil-outs look like now:

This is either 3rd or 5th day hair b/c I'm lazy as hell, but maybe in 6 months or so, my hair may be as full as Laur.yn's in that picture. I also love the richness of her hair color but me and black hair dye parted ways last December after my second trip to the doctor over that PPD allergic reaction. So...that's a wrap on that.

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This past Sunday, I did the "Making Stri.des Against Brea.st Cancer" walk with my lil man. Now, I WAS supposed to do the walk with a group. Only one person showed up. The others gave me one reason or another as to why they couldn't make it. Plus, it was rainy and cold that morning. For a minute, I wondered if I was even going to do it. I was all emotional that morning too. But I was determined. Since my mom died, there may have been one year out of the ten that I didn't do it. But honestly, if you feel really strongly about something, it doesn't matter if anyone else will be around. I did it for me and enjoyed my myself.

They had a mini-warm-up before the race, during which they played the Cha Cha Sli.de and the Cu.pid Shuf.fle. Now, the former is J's jam (albeit he has no rhythm whatsoever and I will work hard at remedying that, lol.) And the latter...well, most of ya'll should know that I don't play when it comes to my Cu.pid Shuf.fle.

It's funny b/c I had J out there in the crowd, guiding him as the moves changed. It made me remember when my mom used to just randomly start dancing in grocery/convenience stores, parking lots, etc. and how that would embarass the hell outta me. J, on the other hand, was a trooper. We were laughing the whole time. We forgot about the cold and the drizzle and kept it moving. So, it was a good time had by all...and hopefully, my mom was watching us and having a hearty laugh as well.

random topic - kids

I must be in the Twi.light Zone. I just walked downstairs to check on J and he's sitting in his room...studying. I turned around and made sure that I was in the right house and yes, everything checked out.

His school had a half-day, which meant, I had a half-day. Although I didn't want to burn through my leave (especially considering how I don't have much of it), I guess that I'm forced to relax for the remainder of the day...at least, until his den meeting tonight. I'm still kinda mad that his afterschool care was closed as well. I gave the director the gas face when she reminded me. Then she said, "...but we're having taco night, TONIGHT!"

Sidebar: Do you ever just want to step out of character?

Man, I must've been in a mood b/c I just wanted to shout, "F*** yo' tacos!", flip them damn tables over, do the mexican hat dance, and walk out. LOL! Overly enthusiastic people discombobulate me, at times.

AN-E-WAYYYYY...I am so blessed. When I picked J up from school, one of the admin. ladies was going on and on about how sweet he is. This was the 3rd time in the last 7 days that another adult has commented on how polite J is. He was flashing every last one of his dimples. He makes me so daggone proud. She went on to say something about possibly taking him out to see her horses and then I was like, "Whoa, pump ya brakes....there will be no Never.land Ran.ch bizness over here."

But stuff like this makes you want to do more for your kids. Since he's been back, we've gone to King's Dominion and the State Fair. If everything goes according to plan then I'm taking him to the Bal.timore aquarium this weekend.

Now, let's flip the script...

My coworker was telling me how his son had a rough morning. He said that the little boy was just standing in the shower for minutes and minutes, doing nothing. When he called the little boy on it, the child spit in his face.

Now, pause for the cause...take a breath...and tell me,

How would YOU handle this?

the curly girl wonder diaries

OK, so I am embarking on Month 4. I've settled into a new reggie. Friday nights are the nights that I do my special treatments...henna, amla & brahmi, or protein, followed by a deep condition. On Saturday mornings, I rinse out the deep conditioner and then spend the next 1 and a half to 2 hours finger coiling my hair. I use Total.ly Tw.isted Herb.al Ess.ence and Vatika oil for hold and shine, respectively. I may wear the coils like this for 2-3 days, pick them out on the 4th day and wear it like that for the rest of the week.

I went to the doctor this week b/c my body is all out of whack from stress (which I didn't realize I was still under) and this rollercoaster that my hormones are on. Both of which are wreaking havoc on my skin and I THOUGHT my hair. During the summer, I washed my hair everyday and I didn't see as much shedding as I do when I wash once a week. I know that this is probably gross to some, but I like to take pictures of my fallen soldierettes.

This is the aftermath of washing and styling. Yes, I understand that we typically lose 50-100 strands a day and yes, I know that this is the hairball that I experience only once a week. This seems excessive to me, in comparison to the few strands that I would lose over the summer. I cannot even run my fingers through my wet hair in the shower without having a bunch of hair stuck to my hands...I'm not even manipulating it that much.

The only reason I wanted to go natural was so that I could have thicker hair. Not b/c I'm down for whatever cause and not b/c I think that relaxers are unhealthy. So this is why I haven't been too hot on my hair lately...it's b/c of the amount of shedding that I'm experiencing, which seems rather counterproductive to my goals. I did an Apho.gee protein treatment last week and it seems that it didn't help a damn thing.

If you think that I'm crazy, join the club. There are people that have either seen that pic of my shed hair or my actual head and think that it's all mental. Everytime I'm ready to throw my hands in the air and quit, my new guy friend brings me back to reality. I dunno...at this point, if I can make it another 6 months without relaxing, I may just shock myself. I'm just being honest. At any rate, I'm back on birth control, an antibiotic, and have started getting my facials again. I'm trying everything that I know to relieve stress. So I guess, we'll see.

This Month's Mythbuster

MY natural hair is stronger than MY relaxed hair. For me, that's the myth.

Comment of the Month

N/A

Overall, I had fun with my hair in June, July, and August. September, and now, October has been a struggle. And it would seem that the best time for me to be stressed would've been the summertime, while I was unemployed. Does stress have a delayed reaction? This all doesn't make sense to me. Anyway, I'm gonna keep it moving...

Still...

Curly Girl Wonder aka LB

randoms

1. I am kicking ass at work and taking names. **Pats self on back**

2. Speaking of work, I am glad that I didn't flip those conference room tables when I was downsized in April...like I envisioned. I had to get 3 references from 3 PEs that have known me for over a year to complete my application for this PE exam next April.

3. My former supervisor(s) were very happy to hear from me. I, on the other hand, still feel a little weird about it all.

4. I was making some ninja-like movements about the old office b/c I didn't want to be seen. Unfortunately, my hair grabbed some people's attention .

5. This was not the time to get loud compliments, but I took them with a smile...as I looked over my shoulder.

6. Speaking of hair...my hair=ugh!

7. J has joined cub scouts, and believe me when I say, I tried every creative way to talk him out of it b/c of my own laziness.

8. And his drama classes start up next week, which means that I'm going to have to be to work for 7 so that I can pick him up after class in the afternoon. I'm not a night owl, but I'm most certainly not a morning person. For that and the cost, J better be the next Morgan Freeman. In fact, his new nickname will be Denzel.

9. These neighborhood kids must not know that I'm not too fond of children. But I'm happy to see J happy.

10. It's October...YAY! And so it begins...

11. Breast Cancer Race is October 18th. Who's with me???

12. J wants to be Ana.kin Sky.walker for Halloween AGAIN this year.

13. Just when I get excited about saving money on a new costume, this dude is trying to talk me into buying tombstones and police tape for the front yard. NOT!!!

14. Oh yeah...I was offered a job back home in the N.O...just yesterday. My dad took the news hard, lol. He understood that I refuse to put J through anymore than he's already been through this summer.

15. Speaking of home...my man friend from back home did make the trip up and the visit went well.

16. I really liked having him around.

17. Not that #15 or #16 is related to this, but I can't wait to get back on my BC this month. Hopefully, my skin will thank me.

18. My girlfriend (the one that I'm in the pseudo-relationship with) said, "I just feel that I value the friendship more than you do."

19. OK, maybe I'm an odd bird but, there's only so much phone talking that I can do with any ONE person.

20. Has anyone had to get a se.curity clear.ance before? My God. They have asked everything on down to whether or not my Uncle Sam liked green eggs and ham. Geez.