what did I agree to?

I figured that I might as well write tonight since I have been horrible at updating on even a semi-regular basis. This whole day has been kinda blah. I know that I should be excited about having a new job and embarking on a new opportunity, but my heart isn't here. Maybe I'll be able to make a better assessment once J returns and we get back into the swing of things together. But for right now, as I wash clothes and ponder what am I to do for lunch tomorrow, I keep thinking that I sold my soul to the devil just to pay the bills.

Don't get me wrong...I have been trying to get "on" with this firm since the day after I was downsized. It is well-established with a great reputation. My responsibilities will still be design-intensive within the same discipline. The only real difference is project diversity...which is fine. My first 2 days really didn't offer a clear picture of what it would feel like to work there since I was in training most of the day. With the fast turn-around, I haven't been able to occupy my cubicle b/c it has yet to be set up for me. Again, I'm surrounded by men, but they are a lot younger than what I'm used to and very welcoming. My supervisor appears to be easy-going and accomodating. I can't really knock the benefits and whereas I would've had to swallow a 5% pay cut at my old firm (had they not decided to cut me altogether), I will receive more than a 5% increase here.

What is my problem???

J wants to come back and prefers his Richmond school. He even called me at 7-something in the morning once to ask if he can return to his same afterschool care. His friends on the block keep knocking on my door, as if I were lying about J not being here. His drama teacher emailed me today, informing me of the anticipated schedule and wondering if he and I were still here. I mean, it seems as if it were only right that he be here.

Right when I was walking around in this whole blues-y fog, my dad calls to tell me that a doctor in the N.O. diagnosed J with a mild version of the sw.ine flu, gave him a prescription and sent him on his way. Apparently, he's had a fever since Friday, has been complaining of headaches, his sinuses or something has been draining, and he's been laying around with little energy. Now, I'm not there...I haven't talked to a doctor and haven't seen my child in weeks; yet, my dad is telling me NOT to worry. He can't go to school for the next 7 days and all air travel is out so undoubtedly, he will not be back in VA in time to start school. He hasn't been cleared to go anywhere until his birthday, September 7th.

When I spoke with J last, he was a little better. His fever had broken, he has an appetite but he said that his head hurt everytime that he coughed. According to my dad, the doctor said that the worse may be over. The media has really hyped this virus up so much that I couldn't even acknowledge the word "mild". I'm only familiar with worse case scenarios. I've done some online research and have read some journals of parents with children close to J's age with similar symptoms and by day 3 of their quarantine, they were feeling much better and too bored to stay at home from school. So, reading that helped. I guess the part that's bothering me the most, at this moment, is that I'm not there...but he has 3 nurses at home caring for him, his PawPaw leading the pack.

For a while, I wondered if this was some kind of sign...or maybe I wanted it to be. It is certainly reason enough for me to drop everything and go back down there. I don't know. I pray that J is swinging from the ceiling fans by Tuesday and that I feel better about this new beginning by the end of the week.