speak life

I believe in speaking things into existence or, biblically paraphrasing, life and death are in the power of the tongue. However, if God is operating within the supernatural realm, and I'm operating within the natural, I believe that it takes both of our works to make something happen. I do believe in miracles, but I don't live my life in hope of one...I feel that that's how you get trapped into being stagnant and in wait mode. THERE ARE sometimes when you have to BE STILL, but I find that that's still considered an action b/c it's easier for me to push for something to happen and do things out of order. Other times, I have to keep it moving and I'm sure that God wants me moving too. And of course, I have to be in alignment with God's Word before I call God to the carpet, remind Him of His word, and ask that He bless a situation. I know that God can work some mess out but the goal should be to get from point A to point B, the quickest way possible.

And I said that, but yet, I feel as if I rambled way past the direction of my post. Back to life and death being in the power of the tongue...

I get frustrated, impatient, discouraged, angry (which is the main thing that I'm working on with Suzie B), and experience all of these negative emotions that I allow to author my lines in my life's script. Overall, I think that I am an optimist, but there are certain aspects of my life that I just can't seem to get a handle on. Most of the time, I'm not even conscious of it and I'll start killing something before it starts. And then there are those times when you'd rather undercut the blow of disappointment by talking a situation down just in case it doesn't come to fruition. B/C it's better to be surprised that it turned out better than you had planned, right? But I have been charging myself to speak life into those situations...no matter how damn-near dead I think they are...and just work on how I deal with the emotional aftermath if it wasn't for me to have. I have to remind myself CONSTANTLY that God is probably working something out in my favor in the long run, but He knows that I kicks a mad fuss about it now.

I was rapping to one of my good g/fs, prayer partnuh, and serial monogamist, Doc T, in Chi-Town last night. The last time that I talked to her, she was dating some guy that I never got the chance to hear the details on. That had to be about a month ago. But it seems that now, she has a new man (who may or may not officially be her man), but as she was describing his traits, I think that I exhaled for her. My g/fs and I have been in some sh*tty situations, but Doc T is the queen of some chronic bad relationship syndrome. But I have never...NEVER...heard her speak negatively about relationships. About the men that she dated? Yes, and they deserved a little more than one negative word or 2. But the whole idea of a relationship was never tainted for her. I think that she just took the attitude that she was learning about herself or that these men were being removed from her life so that God can make room for the one that He'd have for her. In the meantime, she'd have some fun, battle a little heartbreak, and get busy with the joys of her single life. Doc T is just so genuine, the sweetest woman that I know, and listening to her struggle with her Christian priniciples in this day and age of dating makes me chuckle sometimes. But I find her honesty and wit to be one of her most engaging and refreshing qualities. Sometimes she unknowingly lingers around that TMI realm, but there's still that unexplained innocence about her. She's just real.

In comparison, once a relationship dissolves for me, the first thing that I say is, "Dating is hazardous to my health" or "I don't want to be in a relationship" or "I'm not ready for a relationship." Truth be told...I want to be in a relationship, b/c eventually, I DO want to get married. I have to learn to be comfortable with admitting that, b/c I have to be true to my heart. And the whole "not ready for a relationship" phrase is crap. Whether or not I'm ready for a relationship...or the one that I desire...is in God's hands. I believe that sometimes He doesn't give you things b/c you're not mature enough to handle it correctly. Let me walk up on a man with a spiritual backbone, good job, excellent work ethic, SANE, allergic to drama, and can get his Emer.il on. I mean, a motivator, a trailblazer, a financial chief rocka that can match my wit and sexual appetite...if I told him to kick rocks b/c I so-called wasn't ready for a relationship, it must be b/c I'm smoking them. I don't know if God thinks that I'm ready for that, but I'm shaking my head HARD right about now. **Goes outside to point God towards my address and confirms that he has the right number**

Sure, there are many benefits to being single...I don't have to hear about how often I watch HGTV or compromise that b/c the game is on. I don't have to turn down the heat b/c other people are burning up in the house. I don't have to juggle a checkbook with another person, get mad b/c they impulsively bought a Playstation 10 or explain why I needed some new kicks or another wall sconce. But all of those compromises are small in comparison to the blessing of a healthy marriage. And it's b/c healthy marriages don't seem to be prevalent in our society that great care must be taken in the dating and relationship phases. I have to be patient. I have to be still. But first, I have to speak life into my situation. I DO want a relationship with the RIGHT man. And if I keep bumping into the wrong ones and not taking heed to my intuition or God's word, please let them be quickly removed. I'm young, but too old to fall back on not knowing what I want in a man. I know what I want or I, at the least, got the basics down...I won't even venture to speak on what I deserve. But right now, it's my prayer that I stay happy in my singleness so that I can recognize and deflect nonsense.

tiring...

It's old...and it saddens me.

I was going to leave it alone but since my hiatus, I have found some time to catch up on my faves and to do some blog surfing as I sometimes do on the weekends. I lurk semi-consistently on a few, but I was given the "heads up" about a particular "comment square off" that took place earlier in the week. I was determined to not look, but curiosity got the best of me.

I remember participating in a similar debate some years ago...if you would even call it a debate. I remember some commenters picking apart a few of my statements and twisting them around to such a degree that it was unrecognizable to ME that THAT'S what I was saying. I remember some belligerant banter when all intelligent debate was lost...which in my opinion, was lost somewhere around the first or second counter-argument. Not everyone will agree with my views, my lifestyle, or my choices...I know this. And not everyone will like me for one reason or another...I know this. If someone said, "I don't like runnin' with people that wear blue Nikes," I would be cool with that b/c I don't like runnin' with people who don't like runnin' with people with blue Nikes 'cuz I dons mine when I can. And that's it. You stay on your side of the track and I'll stay on mine...or in this case, the blogosphere.

But when you can't even make a statement...I mean TRULY, make a statement without belittling your opponent, that saddens me. Hell, you can't even make an innocent statement without fear of backlash. One commenter went so far as to browse through the other's blog and judge it by how many comments they receive. Is that what this whole thing has come to? I mean, really? Is the blog world about cliques, comments, and cosigns? I know, to some degree, there are a bunch of popularity contests popping off. It just doesn't move me. The conversation doesn't inspire me and if the purpose is to stir up conviction, they haven't even scratched the surface. It does make me rethink this whole blog thing as I have yet to form a consistent relationship with blogging since 2004. I guess that I should keep in mind that when someone logs onto the computer, they can be whoever they want to be. They can have the life that they never experienced offline. And I guess for them, I should be happy. But when I come here, I actually share a portion of my life's story. And to think that someone could take issue with something that I said and decide to browse through my archives in order to beef up their stance by attempting to disparage me in some way or another...it saddens me.

What makes it worse is when I witness someone trying DESPARATELY to be accepted by some people that they don't even know from Adam or Eve. Nobody on this thing takes responsibility for me and mine other than me. FORGET (Lord, it took everything within me to not use the word that I am so well-acquainted with) them...and once again, life goes on. These people aren't feelin' you and they for sure, aren't tryin' to hear you. It's the same as turning up the volume during an in-person argument...it doesn't make it more palatable...it doesn't break it down to the uneducated ear...it's just noise. I do wonder what it would be like for these people to encounter each other face to face JUST SO that I can witness how quickly the "computer bad-a$$edness" dissipates.

Some years ago (and beyond), peeps were making gross generalizations, dressing up stereotypes as statistics, and just plain out displaying their self-righteous attitudes towards anything that wasn't "them"...claiming that holding court on these blogs was one step towards advancing the community. Uh, sure...and my blue Nikes make me run faster. But I guess that that's the only way we know how to act...to shun those that are not like us or do not subscribe to our beliefs. That debate (way back when) was just the regular, run-of-the-mill spinning of wheels (by what might as well been the self-proclaimed moral majority) with no benefit aside from the joy that some commenters might have received from reading their OWN opinions over and over again and patting themselves on the back (or being thrown a cosign or 2 from their inner blog circle), feeling as if "I told them!" **Cue laugh track from Good Times w/ the occasional "Right On!" in the background**

And today? ~SMH~

The same. It's pointless. It's old...and it saddens me.

seeing red

I just hate that I left that post up for a week with no follow-up...I don't mind being ghost for a week, but I'd rather go out on a happy-go-lucky-life-is-grand note. I think that the hardest thing to admit isn't necessarily that I started seeing a counsellor. It's actually harder to admit that I'm not as happy as I could be...or feel that I should be...to such a degree that I felt that I SHOULD see a counsellor. Part of me feels ashamed about that considering all of the positives in my life. I put it "out there", but it wasn't my intent to focus on that. My goal is to MOVE ON and MOVE UP. I thank all that commented for their essays comments...some teetering on the spiritual, some more clinical, all thought-provoking and helpful.

One of the reasons why I haven't blogged in a week has been b/c I have been sick with a capital S. It came on like a thief in the night. I was having a pretty good Tuesday. I had class that afternoon and once I got back to my desk, I saw a note from one of the VPs. His wife (who's from Biloxi) made some gumbo and he left some in the communal fridge for me. Hot dog!!! Peeps be on the lookout for a sista. I shared some with my work-husband, Promance, and everything was all good. Shortly after and not as a result of eating the gumbo, I felt as if I swallowed 10,000 knives. Earlier, I was feeling kinda "off", but the germs hadn't fully taken over until then. And by the next morning, you could stick a fork in me 'cuz I was done. I'm not sure if it was a common cold or the flu, but the kind of sick where my skin hurt. I felt EVERY movement in my sleep. I normally stick to one side of my bed but if I were sharing it with someone else, they would've been on the floor. Yes, the past 3 days have been a blur and how I managed to drop off/pick up JJ from school, nothing short of a miracle. Thank God I'm on the other side of THAT mountain b/c my dad, once again, reminded me of why I miss my mommy.

Me: Hey dad.

Dad: **cough, snort, cough**
Me: Are you sick too?
Dad: I got sumthin'...this whole change of weather and %^&*.
Me: Oh, I've been out of work for the past 3 days.
Dad: Uh, I left some Crown Royal on that top shelf in that closet in your kitchen.
Me: What am I s'posed to do with that?
Dad: I dunno, but that's what I've been drinking while I've been sick.

Anyways...

I also started a new project.

I woke up one morning and decided that I wanted a red wall. This is Ralph Lauren's Venetian Red. In the process, I discovered a new fave site, BeJane.Com, but painting a wall red is NOT for the faint of heart. I wish that I had known all of what I was about to go through before I took on this project, b/c I would've left that paint in the store. So far, I have painted my kitchen (mocha), my hallway (some cute and playful green), and my master bath (some soothing blue to match the stripe in my shower curtain)...as the spirit moved me. Not one of those projects took more than 2 coats, excluding my kitchen b/c I had this bright idea to do a colorwashing technique which was cool for about 3 days, but somewhere around the 4th, I couldn't take it anymore. But red is a whole 'nother animal. After 2 coats, I was becoming a bit worried...and then sickness settled in, which put off any subsequent coats until I felt as if I could stand up for long periods of time. Well, what you see is after coat number 5...and whether it looks done or not, it will have to do. I got some more touch-ups to do and hopefully, I can get it done soon (without having a relapse) so that I can get my Co to come over and move my TV and armoire back in its position. It would be kinda nice to have things back to normal for when my girlfriend from home comes up to visit me, the kid, and my not-so-sure-if-its-still-considered-country abode next weekend. Hell, I hope that I still like it next weekend.