disconnected

**phone rings**
Me: Hey dad.
Dad: Hey baby. Are you at work yet?
Me: No, getting there. Wassup?
Dad: I just called to tell you that it's your sister's birthday.
Me: Which one?
Dad: Shon. She's 36 today. Do you think that that makes me old?
Me: **chuckle** No. I think that the fact that you're knocking on 60's door makes you old.
Dad: I'm 58 and won't be 59 until September. I'm not even near the steps.
Me: **taps phone** Is this thing on? You are most definitely on the porch!
Dad: **laughs hard** Well, I'm about to go and dye my hair while I'm standing out there.
**laughs**

That's us. I'm the drunk one in the middle, wearing the hoochie mama clothes (but that was "in" for toddlers during the late 70s/early 80s...I promise). Anytime my half-sisters visited, it seemed as if their mom always packed matching clothes for them. They were the dou.blemint twins and I was the oddball with a bare midriff...on countless occasions. Our clothes mimicked our relationship: they were always in the huddle and I was on the sidelines. The only things that we had in common would be our paternally-passed big heads and similar first names (also paternally-inspired).

My dad calls every year to remind me that its one or the other's birthday. And every year, I'm surprised b/c I never bother to commit them to memory. I wonder if he calls them when its my birthday, b/c I can't ever remember receiving warm wishes from either one.

I called this afternoon. Shon didn't answer the phone, as expected.

We're just not that close. I wish it were different but it is what it is. My dad's concern is that the only time my sisters and I will come together will be at his funeral. I don't think that will be the case. I've attended both of their weddings and stayed at both of their houses in BR after Ka.trina. To my knowledge, we're not in the midst of a feud but I have been totally oblivious to people having issues with me before.

I don't think that they have ever felt comfortable around my mom. And I, for sure, was scared of their mother. I haven't seen her in a while but she looked JUST LIKE Penny's momma from Good Times and there was no way in hell I was going to be left alone with her...and an iron.

I think that my dad is feeling some guilt. My half-sisters and I knew that our moms would NEVER be buddies and would NEVER occupy the same room, if it could be helped. Perhaps if my dad had fully ended his first marriage before starting a new relationship, this would be different. Many things would be different. Maybe I wouldn't be disconnected from his side of the family. Maybe I would've seen MY picture up in my grandmother's house for once. Maybe I would actually call them my sisters instead of always emphasizing the "half". Maybe when we DID speak to each other, we wouldn't each insert "my" in front of "dad" as if we were talking about different people. I think that they were envious of me, b/c they assumed that I had privilege. All the while, I was envious of them b/c they had favor...not to mention, each other.

I grew to accept disconnection from "loved ones." In many cases, I deemed it necessary. So all of this made me think.

I have a bad habit of telling friends and family that I love them, but not always showing it. I have no problem doing this with my son and had no problem doing this with my mom. But I need to make this year about actions. I live less than 15 minutes away from my cuz and her fam and I can count how many times we've hung out last year on one hand. I need to be and do better. I have found myself saying that I have found better friends in my friends than they have found in me. I need to be and do better. And doggonit, I'm gonna call my sister's a$$ again until she cusses me out, b/c WE need to be and do better.

First step: I'm putting her birthday on my calendar.