winter wonderland 2009

I am well aware that J is not wearing a hat. Thank you.

reunited

His last words to me...

"When I called and you didn't answer the phone, I was torn. I needed to see you. I didn't know if I were doing the right thing."

This would've been a touching moment on the Youn.g and the Rest.less had this...I dunno...not been him.

A couple of days before this incident, my girlfriend (a mutual friend of ours) called me. I remember the crack in her voice as if this conversation took place yesterday. I was bracing myself, thinking that she was about to tell me that someone in her family had died.

No.

"I just called to tell you that...**deep breath**...Wacko proposed to his ex-girlfriend the other night."

"Wacko?"

"Yeah."

"Really? Wacko???"

"Yeah."

"The Wacko that I'M dating???"

**Sigh** "Yeah."

I couldn't say anything as I tried to process all of this. Where in da hell did this "ex" come from? We hadn't been dating that long so my feelings weren't so invested that I was heartbroken, but my ego had just experienced a blow similar to the ones that only Mike Ty.son could deliver back in his hayday. My girlfriend was so apologetic that it embarrassed me. I was confused, humiliated, and angry.

But I didn't call and cuss him out. I decided that I'd just disappear. I obviously didn't mean much to him so this should've been an easy feat.

That night when Wacko was so "torn", he called me about 3-4 times, but left no messages.

I was holding strong.

Then my mind started playing tricks on me...I started seeing things. I thought that I spotted his car in my neighborhood but I convinced myself that it couldn't have been him since he lived a good 35 minutes away. He had no reason to be on my side of town.

Not more than a day later, I caved from curiosity and answered the phone. He called me from the barbershop and talked to me as if nothing had happened. I held the receiver with pursed lips...waiting on his formal confession. He asked to come over. I was in more disbelief of his gall than his actual proposal. I decided to interrupt his nonsense and get straight to the point.

"So, at no point did you think it would be important to let me know that you were seriously dating your ex."

"I haven't been dating her."

"That's interesting b/c word on the street is that you proposed. Is that not true?"

**Silence**

"Well, she just came back into the picture."

"Is that right?"

"When I called and you didn't answer the phone, I was torn. I needed to see you. I didn't know if I were doing the right thing."

"I guess the translation for that is you were trying to see if you could screw me one last time. Have you been riding around my neighborhood?"

"I've been over there a few times."

I was shocked that he actually admitted it. And that's when I felt the hurt sneak up on me. So much so, that I had to end the call before the first tear drop. I broke out the black balloons and confetti and threw myself a pity party. Later on, my girlfriend found out that the "ex" was pregnant. I don't know if she thought that this was going to make me feel better or to help me make sense of it all. I didn't necessarily need to know that there could've been a week when he slept with me one night and then was in her bed the next.

Truth be told, if we didn't have a mutual friend I may not have been as strong as I was. I felt that although he treated me as if I were a fool, I had to prove (to my g/f and to myself) that I wasn't. I had to act as if I didn't care when it was tearing me up inside.

That was over 6 years ago.

While looking through my g/f's photo album on FB the other night, I was reunited with Wacko's face, cheek to cheek with his "ex"-turned-wife. They appeared to be so happy.

I can't say that any strong feelings (bad or otherwise) came back to me being that so much time has passed. I just wondered how fair is it for him to be happily married. I want to be "happily married". Not to him...as I do recognize that I was spared. But how is it that something that seems so elusive for me is available to those less deserving of happiness, period?

And then I think, who am I to decide who deserves anything when I have certainly been the recipient of things that I didn't feel as if I deserved (both good and bad). If God were to grant me things based on when I deserved them, then maybe I wouldn't be sitting where I am now. I have to remind myself of this whenever I feel short-changed by God. It doesn't always make me feel better, but maybe one day, my feelings will catch up with my mind.

curly girl wonder diaries - it's a 6mo celebration

I made it! My 6-month nappiversary was Friday! This has been an interesting journey. Great all day, everyday? HELL NAW!!! I've owned up to my struggles on blog and have even lingered by the aisles in Sally's, stocking the infamous "creamy crack" and reminiscing on how Fabulaxer/Optimum sure did me right...even better than some men have in the past. But do I miss the chemical burns? Not.at.all.

I remember when my scalp was burned so bad (after a trip to my hairdresser back home) that it started draining while my hair was in a wrap. Well...when it came time to comb my hair down, I couldn't. My hair was glued to my head and I had to wash it all over again. Both money and hair down the drain. Needless to say, my scalp was still a little raw but I chalked it up as a price that I'd have to pay for beauty.

Now? I'm contemplating making this a permanent decision. Although I was just in awe of someone's freshly 'laxed roots no less than 2 weeks ago, I think that it's best for me to not chance a mishap. Especially since I developed an allergy to the PPD in hair dye, pretty late in my "coloring" life.

Anyway, I cut off all of my relaxed ends on June 11, 2009...2 days before my 31st birthday. People want to do/have/or be about something new before they enter another year. This was no exception. I was pretty pleased with the outcome.

Out of all the phases, I have to say that this fade-up is my favorite style. It was an automatic confidence boost. Who knew that the person who thought that her cheeks were too big, would actually be fond of them being exposed.

Funny thing is, I didn't realize just how short I had it cut until months later.

I went into my bday feeling dangerous! It was summertime and I was about the wash n' go.

And inevitably, it started to grow out and my wash n' gos were taking too much of my time in the mornings. (The above pic was 2 months in...I forget what happened to my eye, but no, I wasn't punched. I'm sure that I wrote about it.)

So, I became a fan of coils. I have mastered the coil-out. This is my protective style of choice b/c it has lasted me for up to 2 weeks and I could easily keep them moisturized with my coconut/rosemary/vitamin e/castor oil/water mixture. However, they do not keep me from playing in my hair b/c I've been busted at work for that on several occasions.

(I think that I did something else to my eye, but got the wise idea to just lift my glasses up, instead of taking them off altogether for this pic). Unfortunately, this year has not been without stress and this manifested itself in my skin and (what I considered) excessive hair shedding. I began to regret my decision b/c I had nothing to hide behind. I am still trying to repair the damage to my skin but my hair seems fine (or maybe it has always been).

The 3 pictures above were taken 4 months in. The coils kept my hair hidden so much that when I unleashed it, I was surprised that I retained as much length as I did. But what is that saying? A watched pot never boils? Similar to when I was relaxed, my hair seems to retain length more when I don't obsess over it and style it less often. Not to say that I didn't and don't take care of it...I'm just a fan of minimal manipulation.

I tried to go back to the wash n' gos but again, it was more like a "no-go". My personal preference are styles that can and will last for, at least, a week. I do not like having to do my hair on a weeknight and have settled into "spa Fridays" and "styling Saturdays".

And here comes Thanksgiving. I wanted to try something new, so I did the flat twists but STILL refused to stray from my coils (in the back). I got a lot of compliments on this style, but I need some more time to perfect my flat twists. And speaking of twists...

I decided to do a twist-out. My company's holiday party was last night and, again, I wanted to do something different. Admittedly, I haven't been feeling too cute lately and wasn't all that excited about going to the party. Yet, I wanted to show my face...and secretly hoped that the heavy h'or deurves (sp?) would include scallops wrapped in bacon. Well, they didn't.

At any rate, I pulled a dress out of my closet, got dolled up, and picked up my friend, Kat. After the guy drama surrounding my holiday party last year, I figured it best for me to go with a girl...and we had fun. And so did my twist-out. Will this be my next "go-to" style? Probably not. It took entirely too long for me to twist my hair b/c of the length. And taking them down was a bit more cumbersome than my trusty coils. I rocked it, but I may revisit the twists in a couple of months or so...or the next special occasion (whichever comes first).

RESEARCH

Let's see...the natural haircare books that I've read so far:

Good Hair: For Colored Girls Who've Considered Weaves When the Chemicals Got Too Ruff by Lonnice Brittenum Bonner

Curly Girl by Lorraine Massey

Textured Tresses by Diane Da Costa

Thank God I'm Natural by Chris-Tia E. Donaldson (my fave)

My favorite natural haircare websites are all listed to the right.

As far as youtubers...yeah, I watch a lot of them...maybe 14 of them semi-regularly. If I had to settle for listing my Top 5, I would say kimmaytube, mahoganycurls, prettydimples01, curlychronicles, and sheacocoaluv. The ones that I'm most drawn to have great attitudes that make me smile just by watching them be happy. I don't necessarily covet anybody's curls b/c my hair is going to do what it wants to, no matter how many ways I try to make it do something unnatural. I'm mostly about getting my hair to a thicker, healthier state...with that comes length and overall satisfaction with 'self'.

REGIMEN

Same ole, same ole. Wash and deep condition on Friday. Style on Saturday. I haven't done any ayurvedic treatments in a while. I hope to get off my arse and do this soon.

Products

Conditoner (Co-Wash): Yes to Carrots

Leave-In: HE Hello Hydration

Oils: Vatika, Spritz (Coconut, Vitamin E, Castor, Rosemary, Water)

It's all working together for the good of my hair, so I'm not much of a product junkie.

Overall, I've received more hair compliments during these past 6 months than I have my whole relaxed life...which spanned about 18 years. And anyone that may have had a problem with it, originally, is over it...as if they had a choice. Through the ups and downs, I am learning a lot about myself and am thankful for this journey. I'm looking forward to another 6 months...and beyond.

Still growing,

Curly Girl Wonder aka LB

#30

And this, my friends, is Post #30. I started a day late, so I’m ending a day late. Never in my blog life have I posted 30 days in a row. Will I do it again? HELL NAW!!! If anything, I think that I’m going back to my 5-post-a-month average. I learned a few things about myself…I’m not a writer. I do not wake up in the morning, yearning to write. I enjoyed writing about my hair progress and my art projects the most but blogging felt like a chore at times. Can you believe that writing about my kid did not make the top 2? Maybe I should’ve lied, but I wonder why that is. Anyway, if I listed “writing a book” as one of my bucket list items, I may need to scratch that off. My life is not interesting enough for me to post daily and I don’t necessarily like detailing everything that I do, on down to every time I take a pi$$. As far as posting my opinions on certain matters, I try to limit that in general. I don’t want anyone to think that I’m coming from some soapbox standpoint. Much like my career, I’m a “Jane of all trades”, master of none. I only speak of things that have ACTUALLY benefitted me or that I’ve been successful at doing. Overall I am still trying to figure out life, much like everyone else, and I’m not always operating on level 10.

At any rate, I appreciated the challenge for all of what I learned about myself. I didn’t announce that I was going to do it, nor did I formally sign up to do it. If I’m supposed to get a cookie for doing it, then I’ll have oatmeal raisin, por favor. I didn’t want to complain about it every time I didn’t “feel” like doing it b/c, well, life is full of choices. If posting everyday was THAT much of a struggle, quitting is always an option. I am not being paid.

I would like to take the time out to thank the few lurkers that were moved to comment a time or 2. Don’t ever think that a blogger is doing you a favor by posting. You are doing them a favor by reading and they should either be appreciative or stick to writing in their own personal journals, period. And as for the regulars that have stopped by and shown me love, encouragement, and support… hopefully, you know that I am always grateful for you…even if we have never formally met.

And now that I’ve finished my Whitney-like award-acceptance speech, I feel moved to speak about something so I’m gonna go with it.

My cuz has been going through a tough time lately and I have been doing all that I can to keep her encouraged. Sometimes, you don’t want someone to preach to you or to put on the whole armor of God and sling Scriptures at you or to start off with, “Well, all you gotta do is…” or worse, sound aggravated that you have yet to solve your own problems. Not everything can be solved in 3 steps or less. A lot of things take time. Sometimes you just want someone to listen without judgment, to sympathize, to empathize, to simply understand. I am fortunate to have friends that are capable of doing this (maybe 2). Well, my cuz said something to me that was oddly familiar…b/c I’ve felt this way. She said:

“I just don’t know how I got here and why things are happening the way that they are. I have a mustard seed of faith and I am trying to hold on to my confession and not give up but when everything is going downhill, it’s hard to stay focused. I still know God has been good to me and he wouldn’t leave me out here all alone. It just bothers me because I know what it is like to struggle. I grew up that way my whole life and then I got to a point where I was fine and didn’t have to worry about anything. I always helped other people, and treated people right and now it feels like I am being punished or something. I know that sounds strange but sometimes I feel that way but I don’t know how I got to this part in my life...”

I had to pause and appreciate her transparency. Many times I have felt this way. I know a lot of people who are currently feeling this way and are deep in the holiday blues…so bluesy that it’s almost black. But sometimes, we like to paint the smiles on our faces and pretend as if everything’s copacetic. Maybe we’re embarrassed about our situations, but if you have never experienced a storm then you have never experienced life.

Let me tell you what I’m guilty of… I am guilty of wondering how someone who I KNOW is the daggone devil on earth can seem to have everything and never experience hardship. And when I wrote that, I was thinking of one person, in particular, who just complained SO daggone much but, IMO, he had it better than most. But then I think, we base a lot of things on money and financial stability and all of the things that we can actually SEE. And if you’re like me, you may even have friends on FB with photo albums of them at “Mar.tha’s Vine.yard” one weekend and then down in Mi.ami the next, cheesing so hard that their face might just crack. Every opportunity is a photo op b/c they want everyone to see just how great their life is. And if it is great, hey, I’m happy too. But all that glitters isn't gold. We have no clue of what a person is dealing with on the inside.

One thing that I have is peace of mind…and THAT is invaluable. Even when I was unemployed, I knew that if things were to get REALLY bad, I still wouldn’t be living on the streets. Worst case scenario, I would be living in New Orle.ans (which wasn’t a bad deal), with my dad (which would have been tolerable), but steadily getting back on my feet. Sure, it would’ve sucked to lose everything that I worked hard for, but I have too many loved ones that were not going to leave me to struggle alone. Well, my cuz has the same in me. I told her to be encouraged that whatever she may be going through is temporary. I remember when I first moved here and was hating life and VA, this very same cuz said, “it’s ok to cry and be upset, but you have to keep moving forward (even when you feel as if you’ve regressed).” Which seems to be the same advice that one of my fave bloggers, Leezie, has said to me time and time again. Only hers is more condensed…I believe that those nuggets of wisdom went like this:

Walk the path.

It’s hard to believe that 4 years ago, I had the clothes on my back and that’s about it. I had loved ones like my cuz that supported and helped me get through one of the deeper struggles of my life. And now, I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I’m a whole lot better off than I was. What I can also say is that NOW, I’m in a position to offer the same support to my cuz, without question. I feel honored to be her shoulder. I have no clue what this is all about, but I DO know that this isn’t for nothing. She WILL come away with something…maybe even more than she bargained for.

I hope that helps someone else and if that someone is only me, then that’s cool too. Now, I’m off to take a blog breather, for maybe a week or 2.

In the meantime, be encouraged.

my lil cub

So um...I'm trying to get this blog out **looking over shoulder** during halftime, lol. Unfortunately, my baby's pack meeting conflicted with THE game...the night that I can actually watch these beasts play on TV, he's getting his first badge.

Best believe, I was rushing the ceremony. Den moms stopped to talk, while J was lollygagging with his buddies. It just wasn't looking too good for the home team. Plus, my dad was ringing my phone, trying to figure out why we weren't camped out in front of the TV during this "national holiday", lol.

Anyway, I am so proud of my baby. But uh, I'm 'bout to get back to these Saints!!!

11 N.O. Geaux, SAINTS!!!

ponderings

Well, this has been another easy-going day. I spent a lot of time...just sitting in silence, reflecting on my life. I thought about how blessed I am to be where I am, but still have a distance to go to truly be where I want. However, I will celebrate the NOW and not live my life in wait mode.

I cannot believe that December is damn-near here and 2009 is almost over. I'm glad that it is, but I still intend on finishing strong. There's no sense in catching bullets with my teeth for the past 11 months and then deciding to crawl under the covers during the 12th. I'm in a good mood, so I just hope to maintain it throughout the month and welcome 2010 with all the hopes that I didn't have for 2009 going in.

My dad is coming up on the 18th or the 19th and even my stepmother is going to make a guest appearance in VA after her 2 year hiatus. She has yet to see my not-so-new house. Somehow J was able to make her feel guilty for not spending Christmas with him and PawPaw. I think that there is still this divide between "his grandchildren" and "her grandchildren". He already let her know, waaaaayyyyyy back when I got my job offer and decided to stay in VA longer, that he was spending Christ.mas with J...whether she was on board for the trip or not. This shall be interesting. My dad has already claimed J's bottom bunk and told me that my stepmother can sleep with me. HA! No bueno. I will happily give up my bed and either sleep in my loft or on my sofa downstairs b/c we ain't doing the "JJ and Mich.ael".

I love my dad but I always have to get mentally prepared for his visits. He likes to think that he can run his house and mine too. I have no problem with reminding him who's name is on ALL of the bills that come here...I just need to practice my delivery. I can be kinda raw when he pushes my buttons and since my stepmother is coming, I can just hear her trying to soothe things and step in and start every sentence with, "Well, you know how your dad is..." Screw that. I don't have eggshells on the floors in my house. We can have it out now and see our respective therapists later, lol.

I'll just make sure that his list of things to do around my house keeps growing so that he won't have time to nag the hell out of me (like he does ALL the time) or rearrange my furniture before I get home from work (like he's done before) or start drilling holes in my wall without asking (again, like he's done before). I got a gang of leaves in my back yard that will take him 3 days to rake, pile, and bag up alone. Plus, he's already been summoned to fry a turkey or 2. I just need to add things that don't require him to take something apart or work with electricity. He somehow blew a fuse and my outlet in my sunroom does not work anymore...and he neglected to tell me that he's the reason why this is until months after he had gone back to the N.O.

With all of that said, I STILL look forward to the smile that he'll put on J's face. J's neighborhood friends are moving away and he's having a hard time dealing with that. I've tried to comfort him and he seems ok now. But when PawPaw comes to town, he loses his mind.

The only wild card left is J's dad. He's texted the same lame promises and I've maintained silence b/c well...his word is dirt to me. Let us all gather together and pray that while I am in the Christmas spirit that this dude does not make me turn into the Grinch.

lazy saturday

I woke up with good intentions this morning. I thought about priming my bathroom today, so that I could paint it tomorrow. But since I spent most of the day before, doing what I felt to be "late fall cleaning", I knew that I would take my time getting up. Now, my version of sleeping late is somewhere around 9 am...if I dare slip into the double digits, the day has gotten away from me. Especially now that the best sunlight pours into my bedroom window around 8-8:30 am.

But that knucklehead son of mine would not let me close my eyes for 10 whole minutes. I swear, if I heard "mommy" one more time, I was going to snap. This lil dude is an early riser on every day that ends in y. And the fact that he was calling me over silly stuff just made me triply-aggravated. Then again, I have been carrying this headache all day long so that has probably done a number on my level of patience. My all.eve didn't help at all.

With the exclusion of treating ourselves to IHOP, we have been couped up in the house. I have gotten reacquainted with my recliner while observing the flickering Christ.mas lights and random bios on TV. I did some online window shopping. I am debating on whether or not to buy a new dress for my company's "holiday" party. I did purchase some vinyl art: something custom made for my kitchen and a quote to go above my bed. I'll post pics of both rooms once I receive it. And finally, I did some reading. I guess that I'm trying to soak up as much relaxation as possible during this 4-day weekend.

I did see something that disturbed me while driving down my street. The house on the corner is up for sale. The older couple that lives there is so sweet...I usually see the white-haired guy walking his dog. He always stops to speak and I can also depend on him for a full report on the "goings on" around my house when he notices that my car has been missing for long periods of time. Well, the last that we spoke, he said that he might be laid off soon but he hadn't heard any final word on the matter. When I saw the "For Sale" sign up, I was wondering if that was any indicator of that final word.

I don't want to go down there and get in his business...I guess that I hope to catch him walking his dog and that the conversation will come naturally. I'm trying not to jump to conclusions, so I'll just pray that everything is alright. I really hate to lose good neighbors...and I appreciate the somewhat nosy ones.

Anyway, I am sitting here...willing this headache to go away just as much as I'm willing some magical glass of egg nog to appear.

it's beginning to...

...look a lot like Christ.mas! I don't do the "Black Eye" Day madness, so I stayed at home. I spent most of the day washing, folding, and ironing clothes, and cleaning. Thank God that I overdid it on the leftovers b/c those sweet potatoes kept me from crawling back in the bed, when I was cussing myself out for allowing those clothes to pile up like that. Then finally, J and I started decorating our humble abode.

I am IN the Christ.mas spirit.

The Pier On.e ornaments made their debut BEFORE Christ.mas this year. I handled my babies with care. We also put up the ornaments that J and I made last week, as well as, every ornament that J has made in school since Kindergarten. The great thing about the tree (which has celebrated it's 3-year anniversary) and my colorful ornaments is that I don't have to be a stickler for a color scheme. It can be eclectic without anything feeling out of place.

I just realized that I have yet to buy those fuel cans to test out my faux fireplace. I got a Home De.pot gift card waiting to get cracked open.

Even the new clock got into the spirit.

J will probably be annoyed for the next month b/c I'm gonna burn a hole in my Harry Con.nick Christ.mas CD. I JUST replaced my "Grinch That Sto.le Chris.tmas" DVD (my favorite cartoon, hands down) and got some hot chocolate, so we're ready.

If only I could figure out what I want for Christ.mas...

turkey day and a mini-curly girl wonder diary

Goodness, I am tired. Thanksgiving is such a wonderful holiday. I am blessed to have such great extended family. I went by this lady, Ms. Rena, that I used to work with, 2 jobs ago. She took me under her wing on my first day and dubbed herself my "work mom". Well, she put her foot in that food TODAY...every last toe.

Of course, J was thoroughly entertained.

But after 2 helpings, a couple of Cu.pid Shuf.fles and a Cha Cha Sl.ide...he was having a ball!

I was also invited over to have dinner with Tee and her fiance. She was hosting both his and her family but I was so full and so comfortable at my work mom's that I couldn't imagine leaving any sooner than I did.

So, I tried something new for the holiday...with my hair.

Somewhat new, since I still put coils in my hair. Now S23 was clowning me for FINALLY trying something new. Well, I am what one of my favorite you-tubers calls herself...a medium maintenance woman. When I could no longer wash 'n go under 10 minutes, I had to find other options. (1) Coils keep my hair moisturized and (2) I recently stretched the style out to 2 weeks and it still looked cute...2 BIG pluses in my book.

I have fallen back in love with my hair since it stopped shedding so much, but honestly I have been giving my skin more time and attention in trying to nurse it back to health. It's kinda hard for me to focus on too many things. So, my hair is great, but styling is not always at the forefront of my mind. I will watch natural hair styling youtube vids all day, but I'm mainly concerned with keeping it healthy. If I can achieve that with as little maintenance as possible and STILL look cute (b/c that is a MUST), then I'm down. So, if there are any lurkers out there that read my hair blogs...I'm sorry. I might step my styling game up soon but, who knows. But here's something to chew on...

I haven't strayed from HE and Vatika oil.

Yes to Carrots conditioner is part of my Holy Grail of products.

And, my coconut oil spritz is my claim to fame.

For right now, I'm sticking to what works until it doesn't work anymore. And the compliments that I've received makes it worth it.

Hope that ya'll had a great one! I think that I grew a "love handle".

anxiety

When I reviewed my bank statement, I noticed that the Board cashed my registration check last week. And so it begins. They have since sent me a “take-home” exam, on regs and statutes, to be returned to them as part of my application. A passing score on this is required to receive my license. This wasn’t even the last thing that I read before I fell asleep, but last night I had a dream (or nightmare) that I went in to the test site.

I walked in and saw other people that I know. A chick that I was in In.roads with, a dude that I met recently (who is also an engineer), and “ole dude” (another engineer). I didn’t speak to any of them b/c I was focused on my game. I received the test, reviewed it, completed it, with time left to spare. I turned it in and then went bowling with the In.roads chick in the hallway, as I waited for the results. Yeah…the bowling part seems odd. The proctor came to the door with a list. We all froze and waited for him to call our names, confirming that we had passed.

He shook his head, as his finger went down the piece of paper.

He said, “Well, everyone failed, except…”

I stood there, repeating my name to myself, willing him to say it. Finally, he calls me out. I was in mid-Hallelujah when he says,

“But since she misspelled her own name, we’re going to have to throw out her scores.”

WTF???

I.had.a.tantrum.

I started arguing and crying, knocking stuff off the desks…and then I woke up.

Test anxiety, much???

I do not test well. And then it doesn’t help that everyone that I poll (with the exception of 1 or 2) failed the test the first try. I asked the dude that I met recently if he had any tips or materials that I could borrow to prep for the exam. He told me that he had yet to pass the E.I.T. and then asked me for tips on that. I took that test the fall before my graduation. I was absolutely shocked when I passed. The only tip that I COULD give was pray. All of my study materials were washed away in 2005.

To say that I’m scared is an understatement.

I’m not that confident in my experience. After I graduated, I turned down a job offer in TX to be in love, play house, and stay at home with my baby J for a year and a half. And then entered the workforce, only for a natural disaster to take my place of business out after I had been there for 2 years. I move up here. Finally, I find another job after 6 months, only to discover that I hated it after 9. I emailed a contact that I made (my former supervisor) and started working at my last firm. I saw increase, received stellar performance evaluations, and then I was downsized after 2 and a half years. I twiddled my thumbs for 4 months (although I got the opportunity to go back home 3 times), and now I’m on month 3 of my stint at the new place. For someone like me…someone with such a spotty history…to be offered an interview is a blessing. But one thing that I can say, if I get the interview, then I get the job offer. I need to take whatever attitude that I take into those conference rooms into my exam site. Maybe it’s easier for me to convince others of my capabilities than it is to convince myself.

No one in my department is licensed nor is my immediate supervisor. The director of my department has a license, but I only intend on talking to him about reimbursements and other options. Aside from that, I would like to keep all of this under wraps, b/c (1) I don't know if I'm going to pass and (2) I don't want anyone thinking that I'm trying to phase them out. This has become more of a personal goal, than simply a professional one.

At any rate, I completed the “take-home” this morning and mailed it off at lunch. And now, I’m just waiting for the Board to give me the “ok” to sit for the exam.

Prayerfully, all goes well, but I don’t know if I can take 5 months of bad dreams.

one word

For some reason, there is one word that is constantly repeated in my spirit and, unfortunately, I am unable to shake it.

Humility.

I have been struggling with my spirituality for the past couple of years. Now, that's not an open door for someone to just walk through and sling some verses or Christ.ian cliches at me. I own a Bible. I recall verses.

In all honesty, my view of God lately, has been that He's inconsistent. There are certain areas in my life where I feel that He truly has His hand on the situation. There are times when He's carried me through storms, while I was ignorant of its severity. But there are other times when I feel as if I'm fighting alone and waiting on Him to ring the bell...or that I've screwed up so bad that He's just thrown His hands in the air.

I am well aware of His goodness. He has certainly shown Himself to me this year and every year. I'm just trying to organize my thoughts.

So there's a verse in Revelations...3:15, in reference to being neither cold or hot. I have been feeling lukewarm. I used to have a fire. Since it flickered, my faith has been sinusoidal. B/C of this, I sometimes feel as if I don't have the rights to anything. Yet, at the same time, I get mad...as if I believe that God owes me SOMETHING.

Maybe this is where the humility comes in. I can't turn a corner without my blessings in sight, but I focus more on what I haven't gotten an answer to or what has yet to be resolved.

the funny things about face.book

While reading this blog, I was brought back to those negative emotions that I displayed on here towards J's dad. He was actually my friend on FB, b/c it was convenient. I wasn't about to mail a picture of J, so he had access to J's photo album and could puff his chest out and act as if he's been some big help while looking through the pics, I guess. Well after my angry post last week, I clicked my mouse so hard that I almost broke it when I defriended him. I'm laughing about it now b/c I'm tickled with the things that we do on face.book...and how serious it's gotten.

I joined a little over a year ago...under duress, lol. My girlfriend set up my account and then "friend"ed herself. Not too long after, it seems that every person that I may have even glanced at in high school were sending friend requests. And then there were those people that I really had to think long and hard as to how I knew them. Soon my mysp.ace addiction was satiated and I was on to something new. There are a lot of things that I like about the site, but there are also things that I can do without. I'm going in...

1. I can do without the hug requests, smile requests, or any of those other "cutesie" requests. I'm still scratching my head over the point of it all, but to each his own.

2. I do not play Mafi.a Wa.rs, Fa.rmville, Sor.ority Li.fe, etc. If there's any way to control MY not receiving a request, I would greatly appreciate it. I REALLY could do without them. Please and thank you.

3. I can do without the undercover brothers. When I post a pic or update my status, instead of commenting below it like everyone else, they wanna shoo-shoo over email. This would be fine if the emails didn't say, "Girl, you got me thinking some things..." Yeah, I'm thinking some things too...like, "How's the wife and kids?"

4. I can do without the status messages that try to police other people's status messages. Let them do them and you do you. The "Hide" button has been a close friend of mine...but then you have to wonder. If I'm hiding them, why am I friends with them?

5. I said #4 but people DO lack sense these days. I can REALLY do without the status messages that allude to your getting or having just got "some". You sir, are a lame.

6. I can do without the friend requests after I comment on a mutual friend's page. No...you are their friend. We have never met. (This doesn't apply to bloggers that I frequent but have never met...I welcome you all.)

7. I can do without being tagged on EVERY doggone picture that I am in. I have de-tagged myself for a reason. Or worse yet, someone that's not even IN the picture, will tag me b/c...it was such a gross mistake for me to NOT be tagged. Please mind yurn!

8. I like how one friend of mine, who met J's dad through me, was friends with him on FB long before I even knew that he had an account. And then is all up in his photo album, commenting on pics of J, talking 'bout how J looks just like him...blah, blah, blah. Say word? So ya'll cool like that??? Please note that I'm looking at you real crazy right now...and am wondering if I can do without you.

9. I can really do without the jacked-up face.book "upgrades". Do us all a favor and just leave well enough alone.

10. I am currently doing without the "Honesty Box"...but I am open to someone explaining why they like them and if someone ever said something juicy in their box...and did a torrid affair ensue? Just curious.

Any more???

the juices part 2

Continuing my artsy fartsy ramble from here...

I performed the "morning after" test...

I looked to my left...



I looked to my right...



And everything was right with the world.

I spent most of today coaching J on his presentation for his science project.



THE SNACK MACHINE

...able to pour snacks and cereal into a bowl...and leap tall buildings. Exciting, hunh? All of the components were found around the house. I think that we (I mean, he) got this in the bag.

So, those home improvement projects that I mentioned a while back...I think that I'm on the move. I called Tee and asked her where she found her backsplash tile. I really love how colorful it is and wanted to do something similar since my kitchen colors are about the same as hers. She was more than helpful and mentioned that she could probably get me a discount since she's an inter.ior de.signer. Score! So, I just need to take some measurements and see what the total damage will be.

I just have to really motivate myself to paint my bathroom...again. I think that I'm going to make it the same shade of green that's in my hallway.

Believe it or not, those art classes helped. Here I was, thinking that everything that I do revolves around J but those classes made me remember my own interests and how therapeutic they can be.

Although the best part was spending quality time with J, I got to spend some much needed time with me.

the juices

Yes, I got the creative juices flowing! Today, was J and I's last art class for the month. The topic? Painting gourds. I wasn't too thrilled but when the teacher said that we can turn them into Christ.mas ornaments, I was in there like swimwear.

But of course, J, had to show off and do more than was tasked.

He chose to make 2 ornaments. The second one from the left is named Pablo. I have no idea why. Anyway, the green and red may actually be visible on our tree, but that last one may have to be strategically-placed, lol. Bless his little heart, he was having fun. I, on the other hand, was scoping out the competition and then decided to do my own thing.

I only did 2, but the teachers were quite impressed. The director of the program got her camera and took a pic of J and I's gourds. It's safe to say that arts and crafts is my thing.

J: Mommy, is that you when you were a little girl?

Me: No baby, we didn't wear scarves in the N.O., lol.

So, I'm getting my mojo back on the design tip. Home.goods just had a grand opening on the We.st End. Before now, I would constantly see commercials for this store...salivate over the stuff that they would advertise...and then get mad b/c the nearest one was in northern VA. Not anymore. I rolled through there at lunch on Friday and it was complete pandemonium. People were practically dropping down from the ceiling tile and scaling the building. It was THAT serious! They had a lot of Chris.tmas stuff, but it's against my religion to buy Christ.mas decor pre-Christ.mas. Anyway, they had so many shiny, pretty things that I was like a kid in a candy store. I believe that I may have even gotten misty-eyed.

Normal women splurge on clothes, shoes, and purses. I splurge on housewares.

So, I'm looking around and I hear something whisper, "LB!"

It was love at first sight. I threw that joint under my arm as if I were stealing it. It was the only one on the shelf. At least 2 ladies stopped me to gaze at the clock. That's cool, but if they made any fast moves, I would've been on the news...over a clock. This isn't a game, lol.

I've already welcomed it to the family...it seems pretty happy on my chocolate wall.

It's not so clear in this pic, but it blends in lovely. If I had a word to describe my taste, I would say "fun". I would love it if I had more sophisticated tastes but I gravitate towards a lot of bright colors...and there's nothing like walking around your house and seeing something that makes you smile. I've browsed at many a "chic" room and admired it from afar, but I can't change what I like. Speaking of that, I slid on over to Pi.er One, my lover, and copped some hotness!

Truth be told, I hate dressing windows. I had these faux wood blinds installed over every window shortly after I moved in, b/c there were absolutely no window coverings. I was good with that, but I recognize that panels do soften a room and can make a wall pop all at the same time. The issue that I have with window dressing is that some curtains are so heavy or solid or serious-traditional, formal-looking. It's hard for me to carry my "fun" theme on to panels. Anyway, my new bedroom...

Leezie (and some of her readers) gave me the side-eye for throwing an orange pillow on the bed with blue walls. So, I understand that my bedroom is not for sensitive eyes. I'm weird...I do not like patterns on comforters (or big pieces like sofas) b/c I know that my taste can change with the wind. But I have yet to put up a solid panel in the house. Anyway, my new panels bring out Leezie's blanket superbly, IMO...although it's hard to tell in that picture. I fall in love with that shade of blue, more and more everyday.

I'm in the middle of trying to hang another curtain in my loft and well...it's not working out. I'm going to have to stare it down for another day or 2, perhaps, before I make a move.

But the juices are back!