13

Trying out this mobile posting...I'm recovering from last night. I am still in the bed at 3 in the afternoon, but will get up long enough to shower and do it all over again. I am back home in the N.O.  And just as I have enough time to be free and somewhat reckless, I have enough time to reflect.

I was going to write another few stories about my dating experiences as of late, but then I thought about it. I exhibit certain patterns and I am attracted to the patterns of a certain type of guy. The ones that I think are one breath shy of being totally invested with little effort on my part are not as attractive/interesting. Maybe it's that I don't feel special...that I could've been any one or any face. But then I wonder if that's the same vibe that I'm giving off to the ones that I DO want to pursue me.

I mentioned before that 2012 has been a great year. I have been blessed abundantly. I have a great life, an awesome son, hilarious friends, and from what I can see, the best job that I've had to date. But when I think about it, I've never really been happy with a single status. Having a man was a part of my mental checklist: Save money, advance in my career, make renovations to the castle, and get married, etc. Maybe I'm not the only one. But when I think about being successful at all but one of those goals on my list, I feel that that is some sort of failure on my part.  Obviously, I have less control over the whole marriage thing and so, at times, it has been more of a frustrating journey than a spiritually progressive one. And not that it shouldn't be a goal for some (I can't speak for anyone else), it dawned on me that it is one of those things that may or may not make my life better. But my thought has always been that it will and, in a sense, I have been in wait...for my life to get better. This diminishes the value of everything else that has happened.  And instead of focusing and being more appreciative of the things that I do have, I have focused on what I don't.

My resolution for 2013...to be happy as a single person. To not lay in wait, but to enjoy myself right now. I had a conversation with one of my guy 'friends'. He said something so absurd and that made me wonder...why in the hell am I giving this dude any more of my time?  Everyone wants to be desired, but at what cost? So every guy that I am even halfway interested in right now will no longer occupy my mind rent free.  I need to address my own emotional needs, go forth, prosper, rinse, and repeat.

I will strive to be satisfied with my singleness and live my life 'right now'.  In the meantime, I have joined a running group, have found another organization to volunteer my time, am finalizing traveling plans, and will get back into my home improvements.

Starting with tonight, I will have more cocktails with the girls.  And if I should meet another handsome gentleman, I will be fun, I will be flirtatious, but I will be free of any and all expectations. I will already be out with the best date ever...me.  That's the only relationship that I need to work on.