still doing me

It's funny that S23 would harp on the timeliness of my updates when SHE has been ghost for ages!  Just saying, but then again, that sounds like her, lol.

I am actually off today, so now I can finally focus.  So, everything is going on.  My baby has chosen a boy scout troop and is about to have his crossover ceremony the end of this month.  We're also gearing up for his 5th grade graduation from elementary school.  And now, it is once again, baseball season...yay, I suppose.  So, he is having the time of his life.

So, what about me?  **Deep breath**  Well, in January, I was informed that my company was having financial issues.  One would think that this is due to the economy, but I feel that some decisions made by upper management could be more to blame.  At any rate, as a result, we had a few la.yoffs.  I'm no virgin to this and my blog tracks that.  Those of us that survived (which is about 95% of us) have to take 3 weeks of furlou.gh time before the end of June (along with other perks being suspended).  Today is the beginning of my first week.  Technically, my first week was supposed to be during Mar.di Gra.s but I was asked to come in, if I could...so I did.  Yes, I went back home to celebrate with fam and friends for MG.  No, I did not leave early.  This trip was a result of my summer cruise in June getting cancelled b/c of schedulling conflicts.  So, I took the money from that and back to New Orl.eans, J and I went (we seem to be averaging every other month).  Once I returned, I worked 9 days straight, so today I have elected to not do a damn thing. 

And bcuz all of this is going on, I made sure that I partied hard while at home.  I got my hair flat ironed for the second time, so that I could be ready for the Zu.lu ball.  However, I did get caught in the rain on the way to the airport so I put some flexi rods in my hair the night before to reverse the frizziness.  When I say that my dress and shoes came together at the last minute, I mean just that!  I didn't want to look as if I were going to prom, but I didn't want to look as if I were a bridesmaid either.  

 

I have been practicing with my makeup lately, adding a few products to my arsenal.  So, I had a game plan.  I was being rushed while I was getting ready, but altogether, I think that it came together nicely.  I felt really good about myself and that was reflected in the way that I pranced around the ballroom.  But while sitting at the table, people watching, I decided to text Darius to see if he were there.  Within 5 minutes, we were eye to eye.  It was good seeing him again...and yes, I was "tested" that night.  I passed!  I failed on another night though, lol.  I don't think that it's really fair to call it a test bcuz I was not fighting with myself.  You know what..I'm a grown ass woman.  I made my mind up and that's what I wanted to do, so I did it.  I had a good time.  The end.

I went to the Bac.chus parade on Sunday but I have to say that this was the first time that I didn't see not "nare one" float.  I was hanging with my girl, who's hubby is a part of some new social club so we basically sat around, ate, drank, wobbled, talked, and obnoxiously listened to music with the group (until the So.ul Re.bels rolled up and did an impromptu performance...one of the reasons why I love my hometown so much) as the parade rolled behind us.  I saw this one guy who was right up my alley...he was pretty, lol, but I couldn't work up the nerve to say anything to him.  I felt like a schoolgirl.  But his boy, of course, wouldn't get out of my face.  I took the latter one's card b/c I refuse to pass up a good networking opportunity and so far, it has been.  But eh, such is life. 

We were all over the place on Mar.di Gr.as day.    We went from the stands, to get a good view of the Zu.lu King and Queen toasts, to a balcony (no shirts were lifted for beads and trinkets).  j even made some new little friends and ran off with them.

We closed the day by walking amongst the India.ns.  After spending 12 hours on my feet, I was too tired to do anything else.  We had an amazing trip.  J got to spend time with his cousins and I got to act as if I were a teenager with no responsibilities for a week.  And then we came back here.  **crickets**

So, this week I plan to clean, job hunt, rest and study for another set of initials that I want behind my name.  This test shouldn't be as hard as the PE was, so I hope that I don't go in with the overconfident mindset and bomb it.  If I pass it, I will make even more enemies than those the PE created.  Something about that makes me smile, lol.  I would like to believe that the next time that I go home will be for good but who knows what will happen.  If not, my next visit may be in June.  J seems to think that I should take the whole summer off so that I could be with him in the N.O.  We'll see how that goes as well.

mar.di gras 2010

Why do I need a vacation to recover from my vacation? I'm not as young as I used to be so I can't do things like I used to do. Mard.i Gr.as is one of those things.

I didn't make any concrete plans before I left. I just wanted a little kin.g ca.ke, charbroil.ed oy.sters, a couple of coconuts, beads, and family. I had no idea "who" I was doing "what" with b/c I want to see everybody but there's only so much I can do in so little time. My dad always makes fun of me, b/c my coming home is comparable to when Den.ise would come home on the Co.sby Sh.ow...you hardly saw her.

To some extent, I'm off "mommy duty", so I take advantage of that when I can.

Thursday (So.ul Re.bels)

OK, so...I left the cold in VA to be in...the cold of N.O. I flew right into some wintry mix of rain, sleet, and ice. I was exhausted b/c of my early flight, but I couldn't turn down a couple of helpings of char.broiled oysters. My "friend" and I went out to eat and then to Le Bon Tem.ps to catch the Sou.l Reb.els. I do not know why I agreed to be out that late.

Friday (Zu.lu Ball)

Went to the Zu.lu Ball with some girlfriends. I had every wardrobe malfunction known to man b/c the dress was too long and I am too short. My stepmother sewed in a wrist strap just so that I could lift the back of my dress up. The gown that I REALLY wanted was damn-near $200, but as much as I tried to justify such a purchase, I couldn't. I don't think that I did bad for $65.

Er.ic Ben.et performed...and well, I was too into my gumbo and whatever it is that some bartender mixed for me. Mysti.kal, on the other hand, shocked us all. I am a fan from waaaaayyyyy back.

Saturday (NOMTOC & Endymio.n)

I didn't get back home until 6 AM. Since, I was supposed to take J to the NOMTOC parade early in the morning, I opted to NOT go to sleep.

And YES, I felt every last hour of NON-sleep. J's God.mother had tickets to the stands on St. Char.les near Galli.er Hall for the Endy.mion parade so we went from one parade to prepare for another. Lawdhavmercy, it was COLD! I had to keep moving around in order to stay warm. At the end of the night, we had bags full of footballs, stuffed animals, beads, swords, cups, and random trinkets. J was one of the few kids in the area so the people on the floats were pelting us with stuff. Let me just say that getting slapped across the face with several beads (in the cold) is not a sexy feeling.

Sunday (V-Day and Family Night)

Went to Zea's with the "friend" for a V-Day dinner. If anything gave me that loving feeling, it was the corn grits. J didn't want to go to Bacc.hus so I was cool with sitting that one out. My nieces and nephews came down from Ba.ton Rou.ge and we had a Wii tournament afterwards. I should be embarrassed to say that the 8 year-olds whipped up on us all.

Monday (Girls' Night)

One of my besties called and said that she wanted me to come over for some crawfish pasta. So I ended up over there with her and my "girlfriend". I was hoping that it wouldn't be awkward between me and the "girlfriend". I don't think that it was but who knows...that pasta was too good to concentrate on anything else.

Tuesday (Mar.di Gr.as!)

And I'm spent!

what did I agree to?

I figured that I might as well write tonight since I have been horrible at updating on even a semi-regular basis. This whole day has been kinda blah. I know that I should be excited about having a new job and embarking on a new opportunity, but my heart isn't here. Maybe I'll be able to make a better assessment once J returns and we get back into the swing of things together. But for right now, as I wash clothes and ponder what am I to do for lunch tomorrow, I keep thinking that I sold my soul to the devil just to pay the bills.

Don't get me wrong...I have been trying to get "on" with this firm since the day after I was downsized. It is well-established with a great reputation. My responsibilities will still be design-intensive within the same discipline. The only real difference is project diversity...which is fine. My first 2 days really didn't offer a clear picture of what it would feel like to work there since I was in training most of the day. With the fast turn-around, I haven't been able to occupy my cubicle b/c it has yet to be set up for me. Again, I'm surrounded by men, but they are a lot younger than what I'm used to and very welcoming. My supervisor appears to be easy-going and accomodating. I can't really knock the benefits and whereas I would've had to swallow a 5% pay cut at my old firm (had they not decided to cut me altogether), I will receive more than a 5% increase here.

What is my problem???

J wants to come back and prefers his Richmond school. He even called me at 7-something in the morning once to ask if he can return to his same afterschool care. His friends on the block keep knocking on my door, as if I were lying about J not being here. His drama teacher emailed me today, informing me of the anticipated schedule and wondering if he and I were still here. I mean, it seems as if it were only right that he be here.

Right when I was walking around in this whole blues-y fog, my dad calls to tell me that a doctor in the N.O. diagnosed J with a mild version of the sw.ine flu, gave him a prescription and sent him on his way. Apparently, he's had a fever since Friday, has been complaining of headaches, his sinuses or something has been draining, and he's been laying around with little energy. Now, I'm not there...I haven't talked to a doctor and haven't seen my child in weeks; yet, my dad is telling me NOT to worry. He can't go to school for the next 7 days and all air travel is out so undoubtedly, he will not be back in VA in time to start school. He hasn't been cleared to go anywhere until his birthday, September 7th.

When I spoke with J last, he was a little better. His fever had broken, he has an appetite but he said that his head hurt everytime that he coughed. According to my dad, the doctor said that the worse may be over. The media has really hyped this virus up so much that I couldn't even acknowledge the word "mild". I'm only familiar with worse case scenarios. I've done some online research and have read some journals of parents with children close to J's age with similar symptoms and by day 3 of their quarantine, they were feeling much better and too bored to stay at home from school. So, reading that helped. I guess the part that's bothering me the most, at this moment, is that I'm not there...but he has 3 nurses at home caring for him, his PawPaw leading the pack.

For a while, I wondered if this was some kind of sign...or maybe I wanted it to be. It is certainly reason enough for me to drop everything and go back down there. I don't know. I pray that J is swinging from the ceiling fans by Tuesday and that I feel better about this new beginning by the end of the week.

decision

So...while back home, I made a decision. I decided that if I hadn't heard anything along the lines of "we'd like to extend an offer of employment" by the beginning of August, then I'm making moves to go back to New Or.leans. This is mostly based on J having to start school in the fall, which is quickly approaching. I've dicussed this decision with my dad and stepmom. Of course, my dad was grinning in hopes of keeping J there full time. As he said, "And now Christ.mas can be right here in New Orl.eans where it should be." And that's when my stepmom jumped on board b/c for the past 2 Christmas(es?), my dad has spent it with me and J in VA.

I have mixed feelings, actually. There are just as many pluses and minuses to being here or there. And then some may say that there's much more to the world than just Rich.mond or New Or.leans. I agree; however, I know what's best for me and J at this point in our lives. I have applied in several places though and I would have to judge each opportunity (if it came along) accordingly.

One thing for sure, I credit my spiritual growth to being removed from the N.O. Unfortunately, I feel as if I have regressed from where I used to be spiritually...say, 3 years ago, but that doesn't negate the value of these past 4 years. Maybe it's just that I've found some sort of balance, but admittedly, I am not where I want to be.

Not too long ago, I had my heart set on moving back to New Or.leans. As less exciting as it is perceived to go back home and as underdeveloped as the N.O. is in certain areas very familiar to me, home is home. The weird thing is, I have NEVER been close to family. I was close to my mom and didn't care to be bothered with anyone else. I feel as if I'm just getting to understand and appreciate my dad as a man and I actually like him (and see where a huge part of my sense of humor comes from), lol...a far cry from my feelings of indifference or worse. But there is something tugging at me, desiring a closeness to the people that share my cheekbones. And of course, there's J. I don't know what either of my grandfathers looked like; let alone, knowing what it's like to be spoiled by them.

I have this feeling of anticipation. I don't know where God is going to lead me. I have faith and I've done my "works", so only time will tell. In the meantime, I've made that decision.

sights and sounds of the N.O.

parlaying at a jazz lounge

Shan (4 y/o niece): I need to call my manager. **picking up old cell phone**

Me: Manager? Why are you calling your manager?

Shan: 'Cuz I need to get my money. **talking in phone** Hello, I need MY MONEY NOW!

Me: Hunh? **Shouting to everyone in the house** What ya'll in here teaching this girl?

old school jazz

Scene: My boy came over late one night. We sat on my dad's couch and started clowning each other until 2 in the morning.

Shawn: I have no love for Prince fans! You prolly ain't thought nothing about Mike until now!

Me: That's a lie. I was just reenacting all the dance moves from his videos with my friends on my bday. The one that you failed to acknowledge.

Shawn: N*gguh, please! You don't know nothing 'bout no Thrill.er.

Me: Do you know who directed the video?

Shawn: Mar.tin Scor.sese?

Me: Naw!

Shawn: Then who???

Me: DEEZ NUTZ!!!

**dapping each other...we have a 6-year ongoing game and I was crowned that night...childish, maybe so, lol**

the 4th - dad tending to the q

Dad: **walking in the livingroom with his shirt off, patting gut** Boy, if your girlfriends were here now, they'd probably pass out looking at my "case".

Me: Your case? Whatchu talkin' 'bout?

Dad: Ya know how some men have 6-packs...well, I got a whole "case" for 'em.
Me: **laughing and shuddering at the same time**

visiting TU

Scene: Sitting at the dinner table with the fam.

Dad: I'm gonna need one of ya'll to go and pick up J tomorrow...I got jury duty.

Everyone: **looking puzzled**

Step-mom: Do they know you got PTSD? You need to show them your papers so you can get out of it.

Dad: **being stubborn** That wasn't listed on the form for me to be dismissed.

Me: Dad, my momma got out for hemm.orhoids, SURELY, telling them you're a little "off" will get you THROWN out.

Dad: **getting agitated** It ain't gon' work!

Step-mom: Well just DAYUM! I sure as hell wouldn't want you on my case...what are the court systems coming to?

Everyone **throwing up hands**

Next day...

8:00: Dad leaves for court.

9:15: Dad returns from court.

Me: What are you doing back so soon.

Dad: Yeah, they told me I was too damn crazy to serve!

these tiny streetcars can be found around the city

Scene: Dad and I are talking about our frustrations with past employment.

Me: Dad, sometimes I feel as if I'm damned if I do or damned if I don't. I spoke up about things and I feel as if it came back to bite me. I'm still a little bitter.

Dad: I know, baby. Sometimes things happen like that. **rolling back in chair** I remember when I was on the railroad and this man started cussing and carrying on and at first, I was calm. But then he put his finger in my face and told me what all I was going to do...**motioning with his hands and talking through clenched teeth**...so when I had my hands around his m*****f****** neck, ya know, people actually looked at me like the sh*t was on me!
**somehow that made me feel better, lol**

in the UC at TU...getting comfy

Scene: Catching up with my girlfriends over dinner, my road dawgs back in college.

E: Ya'll, it has been so long since we all got together.

Me: I know...the last time I saw Keke, her a$$ was on HGTV wearing a damn evening gown when they displayed her new room. Next time warn a sista before I just "happen" to see you on tv.

Keke: Speaking of warnings...ya'll remember when ya girl almost got us all shot up outside the Troll.ey Stop.

E: I believe that was you.

Me: And your funky attitude. In fact, there was no warning. All I saw were ya'll running to the truck while I was talking to some random dudes. I could've been shot up.

Keke: Yeah, those were some good times, hunh? **laughing**

me and my beautiful OLDER sis, lol

Scene: I was lounging around the house with my scarf on my head before I decided to take it off.

Shan (4 y/o niece): What happened to all yo' hair?

Me: I cut it.

Shan: It looks soft.

Me: Well, I'm trying to be like you. **admiring her 4 thick ponytails while getting ready to put my scarf back on**

Shan: Leave it off. I like it.

**heart warmed b/c 4 y/os can be some huge critics**

dad and the grandkids

Scene: Squeezing onto recliner with J.

Me: J, do you miss VA?

J: Yeah.

Me: What do you miss?

J: Our house...my room.

Me: Yeah, I miss your room too.

don't stop 'til u get enough...

So, um...**peeping behind both shoulders**...I was able to sneak on here and type a lil somethin-somethin. Somebody charged my dad's credit card twice, so he left to "fix" the situation. I imagine that'll take some time...figuring in about 30 minutes to an hour of his cussing someone out, him happily telling people that he has PTSD and warning that he has choked someone out before, and then factoring in some time after the police are called....yeah, I have a few hours...LOL. Afterall, he once said, "Just 'cuz I'm a black man cussin' and hollerin' in a doctor's office, they go and CALL the police!" As if that was a problem, pops??? I don't get the logic either, lol.

Well, ya'll...I have been having a BALL. This trip back home has been just what I needed. Good food, good friends, crazy fam...yes, this was the salve to my soul. My baby even acted as if he was happy to see me. Last week, he kept rushing me off of video messaging...perhaps b/c he had more important things to do like play video games and watch tv. But now, it's a different story. LAWD, if he tells me one more time about this Harry Po.tter mess, I'm gonna start cussin' and hollerin' too, lol. I'll be glad when this movie comes out! Sheesh!

Navy was in town, on Friday, so we pretended to be tourists at our old stomping grounds, Tu.lane. Mayne, they have made so many changes to the campus since Ka.trina. Now I know why some houses weren't rebuilt...all of the money went to TU! Afterwards, we hit up a party that Darius and his boys were throwing at an old firehouse. There was a MAD MJ tribute happening and I moonwalked my a$$ off! I'm just disappointed that I couldn't come up with all the Thri.ller moves but I hope that Mike knows that we were out here celebrating his life...doing it N'awlins style!

Darius kept staring at me as I continued to act the fool. I hung out with him Friday, Saturday, and Monday night. I'm gonna need ya'll to pray for me during this upcoming week, b/c the "lil lady" is anxious and one more "come hither" stare may cause me to "drop trou'". Times are hard! My girl seems to think that both Navy and Darius have a "thang" for me and were competing for my attention on Friday night, but I don't know...or maybe, I just don't want to know, lol. Navy hasn't had too much good to say since I cut my hair. His step-mom asked me what Navy thought after I showed him...ya'll just don't know how much I wanted to respond that I couldn't give a sh*t, but my polite response was, "Well, I know what Navy likes and I assume this isn't it. Oh well, but I LOVE it." And hell, other guys love it too. This one dude that I've been knowing rubbed my head on the dance floor and I got a lil tingly. Yes indeed, it's TOO hot out here, lol.

Did I mention that I've run into a lot of old high school partnahs and the "mens" are fine?! I just like looking...and sometimes touching. Since I'm still celebrating MJ's life, I'm gonna be randomly grabbing crotches until...I dunno...Thursday, lol.

So tomorrow, I will be having lunch with my former boss. We'll see where that goes. The woman that I interviewed with in DC called me and asked me to fill out some forms. Well, when I looked at the forms, it appears that she would like me to fill in my accomplishments for a new government contract that she's trying to acquire. Does that mean that she's offering me the job? I probably should've asked that, but this whole situation is weird to me. Right now, I'm hoping that I can score an interview with a certain company in Richm.ond. I LOVE being home...I must say that again. I LOVE being home, but I like everything that my small suburb outside of Rich.mond offers my son. And maybe I sound wacko, but his comfort and happiness is my #1 priority. Yes, I know that that will be anywhere that I am. We'll see. I know that God is still working it out and I'll be happy to report when its done. I don't know what I want, but He knows what I need. So all I can do is trust Him.

I am SO blessed. Albeit, they are playing with my unemployment, I still have savings and other accounts to stand on. I have family willing to help out in any way that they can and friends that, at times, I don't feel I deserve. Right now...at this very moment...life is good.

But um...still pray for me. If another "pretty" dude walks by me looking and smelling good, I cannot be held responsible for my actions, lol. God Bless New Orl.eans!

love jones part tres

Last time, on a VERY Special Episode of Crooked Letter, I...

The Next Day

"Ti ti...how come you didn't go to church with us?" I open my eyes to see my niece all "purtied" up. I look at the time. Sunday was to be just as packed as Saturday b/c I was supposed to hang out with a former college professor of mine (I know that that sounds weird but he kept me in school) and one of my girlfriends was throwing a bday crawfish boil. So if I were going to hang with Darius, then I needed to squeeze him in after hanging with my professor and before the crawfish boil.

And I was going to make it happen b/c I decided that I wanted more than a snoball.

And Now...

I wasted no time. I changed the TV channel to Spon.ge Bob and my niece was satisfied with whatever answer THAT was, lol. Fumbled around in my purse for my cell and scrolled to Darius' number.

"Hello."

"Are you awake?"

"Yeah, I'm at practice."

"Cool, when will that be over?"

"Maybe around 2."

"That's kinda tight for me, but it just might work."

"Why, whatchu got to do?!" he says with attitude.

"Arruh is having a crawfish boil," I say to confirm that I'm as important as I think I am!

"I wasn't invited."

"It ain't my party."

"Un hunh...well, I'll holla atchu when we're done."

"A'ight."

Later...

I walked to Darius' car as he pretended to be occupied with something...anything, lint on the dashboard, who knows? Maybe he thought that we were 17 again and that my dad was eyeing him from the front door. For the record, my dad was laid up on the recliner with a mask on his face, complaining about picking up some Mex.icans and then feeling as if he had the swi.ne flu. The mask was so that he didn't spread it to the rest of us.

**Blink, Blink**

Nothing to do with the story, just goes to show that my sanity never had a chance in this world.

I felt cute. I wore my yellow dress, which showed off my newly bronzed body nicely. Actually, I wore the dress for the party, but I don't have to say why women wear dresses/skirts in case "something" goes down, right?

"So, I'm proud of you. You most certainly have a way of commanding the crowds attention. It was an honor to witness that last night...except for that whole thing with the poem. Plus, I love seeing all of my people in one spot," I say that while simultaneously thinking how pitiful that sounds, lol. I guess you never know how much you appreciate black people until you're away from them. "I really liked the vibe in there, especially since I'm not a club person.

"Yeah, the crowd has been growing steadily. We do like to market ourselves as the non-club. You can be a part of that too if you move back home."

"Oh, here we go again. I may be down for the movement, but I don't know about the move. I have a life in VA. My son has a life there. My house is there. And my job...well, I don't really know what's going to come of that."

"But it's not like you're gonna find NO MAN there!"

Stop, pause...that just knocked the wind out of me, double negative and all. In my mind, I heard Flav.or Flav say, "Wooooooooooooowwwwwww." That mess just came out of nowhere. I mean, seriously. Is that my lot in life? Is that every woman's lot in life? I know that he meant no harm by it but I was kinda thrown. And that's when "ya girl" started "drying up", lol.

"You say that as if I'm going to find a man HERE!"

Silence.

Normally, I would love to dish a one-liner and have the last word, but not on this matter. So, I decided to change the subject.

"Whatever happened to that t-shirt company that you started?"

"Oh, that's done."

"OK, what's going on with that book you wrote? Although some parts of it went over my head and I needed Cliff Notes for others, the manuscript was good."

"Yeah, I gave it to 2 of my boys and I wanted them to look over it, but they're busy with families and law school so they hadn't gotten to it yet."

Thinking on how he sent the manuscript to me right before my birthday last year and realizing that almost a year had passed since he was last excited about it, I remembered him. I remembered how Darius can be passionate about things but for a limited time only. Although I believe that his new gig will continue to gain momentum, we're still in 2 different places. There's a little more to it, but I'm not going to put him out there like that.

So you say, why should you care if you were just trying to "hit"?

That morning, I had just finished reading this book with Leezie, called "The List". I'm gonna go on ahead and spoil it for you b/c no one besides Leezie listens to me when I mention/recommend a book anyway. The main character was interested in 2 men: for both men, the feelings were mutual. I fell in love with one of them b/c he was charismatic, talented, spiritual, free, romantic, and not to mention, I pictured Gar.y Dour.dan whenever he was introduced in a chapter. Everything was all good or it would've been, if the main character ignored what she really wanted. Ya see, dude wasn't stable and in order to be, his lifestyle would require a drastic change that would most likely compromise his spirit.

Back in the day, I was able to "catch up' with Darius and not feel "caught up". Now, I don't really trust that I can walk away as easily. And then I'd be doubly-pissed b/c he didn't miraculously transform into the kind of man that I want. Ya know, the kind of guy that I just ain't gon' get in VA, according to Darius...lol. When we first stopped "kicking it", it was cool b/c I didn't have much invested. Fast-forward,

I love Darius...

...too much to get confused about where we stand and where we should remain.

Fin

Audience participation: Have you slept with a friend? Or someone that you knew would be short term gratification? If so, what was the outcome?

love jones part deux

Last time on the "What's Going Down Episode" of Crooked Letter, I...

OK, so I had a girly moment. In the midst of that heart-fluttering crap, the first chick that he introduced came up and hugged me. And just as I was about to start a convo with her, I hear Darius shout...

"LB, since YOU'RE in the spot tonight, I want you to pick any one of my works and I'll perform it right here, right now..."

And Now...

My mind went blank...not to mention all eyes were on me. I have 2 CDs with a bunch of Darius' stuff on it and which piece do I remember? Nar'y one. So, I say in front of all of these people...

"What was the name of the one that you did for me the other time that I visited?"

And then my girl reminded me of the name of the poem that grossed her the hell out the last time that we heard it. And so it was...thrown out there like a trump on an Ace of Hearts in the second play of spades.

"Are you sure? I mean, some of my kids are in here (the high schoolers that he coaches)."

The crowd wanted to hear the poem and without much hesitation Darius, the people's champion that he is, gave the people what they wanted.

He starts reciting the poem and, at that moment, I felt the crawfish bread, strawberry lemonade, Plu.m Street snoballs, and all the bread pudding that I had eaten at the Fest that day mix angrily in my stomach. My girl (mind you, she helped me to remember the name of the poem in the first place) starts giving me the eyes of death, while I hang my head in shame. I couldn't even hear half of it b/c I kept repeating the word "f*ck" in my head.

"...you grind out sex on my pelvis with your hips...I cum so hard..."

Yeah, I heard that part...and so did the high schoolers in the house that night. Some of their eyes were so stretched that they almost popped out the sockets and rolled onto the floor. Then I got mad...da hell these damn chirren in here for??? The women were fanning themselves as if we were sitting in church, reading from the Book of Orgasms. His boys were dapping each other and grinning so hard that they were able to lick their own earlobes. It was crazy.

And then he had finally finished screwing me in front of everyone and it was over. Thunderous applause and by the looks on the kids faces, Mr. Darius was going to hear about this night on Monday.

Darius, oozing charisma, manages to slip behind me and massages my shoulders. He whispers,

"You wanted it."

Yes, BILLY DEE, Yes!!! If you've been reading me for a minute, you are aware that me and men haven't been mixing too well lately. Laughing at myself...I don't know why I said "lately" as if that's a new occurence. At any rate, I'm not sure if its the way that he rubbed my shoulders or the barotone voice in my ear but "my little girl" wanted to give him some more to write about...give him something that he can feel...a nice, LOOOOONNNNNGGG poem! Reliving through words was not enough. But we hadn't been intimate in years. I say,

"Why in the hell did you put me on the spot like that?"

He grins mischieviously...and I could just whip his ass, that is, if I weren't so damn confused.

"So is that the only poem that you listen to on my CD?" he says.

"No, I couldn't remember the names of any of 'em, INCLUDING that one." I could tell that he needed to be checked.

"Sure," he sips his drink with a smirk and I could just smack him, that is, if I weren't so damn confused, lol.

We are interrupted and he is soon called back to the stage. I listen to a few more artists and then I tap my girl and ask her to come outside and get some air with me. I'm a little shaky at this point b/c I had been awake for 24 hours. I knew that I needed to get home b/c I was two breaths away from collapsing.

Later on, Darius comes outside and we talk. I tell him that I'll call him the next day so that he can pick me up and take me to Rod.ney's (a snoball stand in the east). It was sometime after 1 or 2am and I needed sleep before my impaired judgment took me places that I didn't need to go.

The Next Day

"Ti ti...how come you didn't go to church with us?" I open my eyes to see my niece all "purtied" up. I look at the time. Sunday was to be just as packed as Saturday b/c I was supposed to hang out with a former college professor of mine (I know that that sounds weird but he kept me in school) and one of my girlfriends was throwing a bday crawfish boil. So if I were going to hang with Darius, then I needed to squeeze him in after hanging with my professor and before the crawfish boil.

And I was going to make it happen b/c I decided that I wanted more than a snoball.

To be continued...LMAO!

love jones

So now that I have all this free time on my hands, I guess that I no longer have an excuse to NOT blog, aside from not having anything of substance to say. But I think that I can hold it down, at least, for all of this week.

My weekend was pretty decent. Tee came over with wine and crab rangoons on Saturday...the funny thing is, I ended up counselling her on HER problems and I think that was her goal from the beginning. Foolish me thought that she was trying to make me feel better, but its all good, I needed the break from myself I guess. On Sunday, one of Kat's boys, Mid.night, called me and we joked about them having a Tommy (Maaaaannnnn, you ain't GOT no job) Party. What can I say? It was Sunday, my day off, and I didn't have 'ish to do, LOL. So, I met up with them and we had dinner and played cards. My spades partner had also been laid off, but I sure hope that he steps his game up during his "vacation" b/c I was questioning if running in the rain was worth watching 8's and 9's of diamonds "walk" all night.

Anyway, putting this job/no job hoopla aside for a moment, I'd like to FINALLY talk about my trip back home...or at least, parts of it. So, I knew that my schedule would be tight b/c I had a lot of things that I wanted to do and people to see, but not enough time to do it all. But there is one friend of mine that I will make sure that I holla at...even if I'm only in town for 15 minutes, I will spend 2 of them with him.

Background

I've called him by a different name on blog before, but for the sake of what I'm about to admit (b/c I don't know who's reading), I will refer to him as Darius. So, Darius and I used to go to school together. At that time, a few of my friends had a crush on him, but I didn't like him. Although I didn't know him too well, I could sense his arrogance a mile away. We ended up at the same college and became cool. I was often found at the table where Darius would hold court and where many football players gambled their scholarships away. And then I graduated.

Many years later (post my failed engagement and that whole baby thang), we met again. I don't remember where (maybe the cornerstore) but it was kinda easy for us to run into each other since we lived pretty close. Not sure if it had to do with him or with the fact that I was going through some thangs, but I looked at him lustfully differently. We exchanged numbers and made plans for him to come over that night.

And well...that night was one of a string of times that we...uh..."caught up". He is the only guy that I can...uh..."catch up" with and not FEEL caught up...if you get what I mean.

That eventually ended and then something unheard of happened...we became really good friends afterwards. He is well into the spoken word circuit, so whenever I visit home, I make it my business to peep his latest project.

So once when I visited, he told me that he would do something special for me but I had to check him out at the spot he was frequenting at the time. I went there with my girls (who knew about Darius and I's past, but were just as clueless as I was about the surprise). We listened to a lot of people that night (and honestly, I was about to fall asleep b/c I can be somewhat narcoleptic), but when the host called Darius to the stage, our collective ears perked up.

You know how these "deep" people do it...they can recite "Old McDonald had a farm..." as long as its complete with pregnant pauses and hand motions signifying that what they're saying is the TRUTH! But when Darius started speaking, he held my attention from word one. Why? His poem was extremely explicit and very much about the first night that we spent together. He described everything from walking to my house to uh...running up in "it". So while I was busy being embarrassed as all hell, my girl whispers,

"Say bruh, I really didn't need to know this much about you and I'm 'bout ready to walk out!"

I.was.speechless.

He walks off the stage to MUCH applause, b/c methinks that there was many a pervert in the room...not to mention, the women that were ready to get their stroke on when I was two heartbeats away from strokin' out.

"So....what did you think? Did you like my surprise?"

Now

After a long day at Jazz Fest, getting just as bronzed as I want to be, I was TIRED! I hadn't slept the night before b/c I was afraid that I was going to miss my flight and didn't get a nap between leaving the airport and heading to the fairgrounds to hear Erykah and Rebi.rth. However, I was still determined to catch Darius at his latest spot.

Me and my girl walked in. We listened to a few artists, but it wasn't long before Darius was front and center.

"OK, I have to pause for a moment b/c my peoples are here! I'd like to introduce my best female friend since high school, *****. Say hello to the people, *****. And another friend of mine from high school, *******. And then you have the LOVELY LB! "

OK, so I had a girly moment. In the midst of that heart-fluttering crap, the first chick that he introduced came up and hugged me. And just as I was about to start a convo with her, I hear Darius shout...

"LB, since YOU'RE in the spot tonight, I want you to pick any one of my works and I'll perform it right here, right now..."

To be continued...

slide, giddyup, giddyup

OK, so this isn't a real blog. I got some things that I'm working on or working out. But I thought that I'd momentarily take down my "Gone Fishing" sign to post something close to my heart...Old School Bounce. New Orle.ans is home to many great things. Bounce music (circa early to mid 90s) is on my list...which is probably why Beyon.ce's extended version of "Get Me Bo.died" is (as Kat and I call it) my reset song for the club.

A friend of mine from high school posted this video on faceb.ook and my mood went from frantic to jiggly in 5 seconds. The whole song is really 9 minutes, but this video had me laughing at the dances we did and the music that made us hype...well, the video just has me laughing. I don't even know why I said "did" or "made" bcuz I still like bounce in small doses. Don't let a DJ spin this joint when I go back home this year cuz..uh...I'm doing a quick stretch and then the shoes are coming off.

Gimme what.cha got for a por.kchop...

URBAN DICTIONARY:
dj jubilee: the king of bounce. the new orleans hip- hop a music that set the format for crunk, buck, and screw music. jubilee has been making dances for the south since 1991

lift the n.o. up

My dad stopped being foolish and evacuated with my stepmom and stepsister to Frank.linton, an hour and a half north of New. Or.leans at the toe-end of the LA boot. I have no idea why he left his truck in his driveway, but whatever, he is out of the bowl and can minister to whoever he wants on higher ground. Although I hate that he went to Frank.linton, I'm glad that he left. Aside from my stepsister, I seem to be the only other daughter of his that cares. My half-sisters in Bat.on Rou.ge have probably had (max) 3 convos with him since Ka.trina. My thing is, I know that he was not the greatest father in the world and we've had a rocky to almost non-existant relationship growing up, but sometimes you just have to let that sh*t go and move on. In my case (and I believe in theirs also), he has made a sincere effort to repair the rifts and I am a firm believer in meeting people where they are.

At any rate, I have been calling him like a crackhead since he left, b/c if everything goes as I suspect, I know that it will only be a matter of time before I'm able to reach him by cell at all. 504 numbers are already having issues b/c I think that everyone is trying to account for all of their family and friends. I got busy signals while trying to call 4 people from back home last night. Heck, I called MYSELF from my 804 home phone and got a busy signal. So fair warning, if anyone tries to contact my cell (b/c I plan to be 504 for life, lol) it might act a donkey for the next few days or so. But the numbers are in: I have partnahs in Frank.linton, Alex.andria, Bat.on Rouge, Atlanta and Jackson.

Just when I was contemplating moving back home, Gus.tav reminded me of what I don't miss. Whether or not a hurricane actually hits, the 2 to 3 day evacuations are for the birds. And you're highly pi$$ed if the hurricane didn't roll through as hard as it was claimed b/c you just spent money for nothing. I understand that you're being cautious but tell that to someone who doesn't have the resources or options for caution. I have always been blessed to have somewhere to go and money for gas, but there are MANY who are not as fortunate. Ka.trina was a wake up call, b/c IMO, everyone in the city was sleeping. EVERYONE IN THE LOCAL GOVERNMENT WAS SLEEPING!

Most of the time while growing up and ESPECIALLY as a college student, riding out a storm was the norm. I can remember a time when almost everyone that I knew had evacuated, but I stayed home with my momma. We were in the house, watching Life.time movie heroines and small trees in the backyard getting the breaks beat off 'em simultaneously. Not a drop of water came through the door while we were having our own private hurricane party. Everyone else that left had one issue or another, from loss of power to minor flood. Thinking back, that still wasn't necessarily the smartest decision...maybe we were too silly to panic or maybe God DOES take care of fools and babies. But after I had J, my mindset changed. He was my most precious cargo during Ka.trina and although being in Frank.linton sucked, we were STILL blessed, all things considered.

With that said, everyone in LA and the surrounding areas are in my prayers. I hope that ya'll are somewhere safe and comfortable.

Lift the N.O. up.

- 9th ward native

bottom of the map 2: from the eyes of a native-turned-tourist

Thursday

OK, now that I've gotten all that whining about a man out of my system, I can now move on. As planned, I had my char.broiled oysters not more than a couple of hours after I had arrived. And they were everything that I dreamed they would be. It has become tradition, ever since I moved away, that me and a couple of friends do this on my first night back in town.

Afterwards, we met up with my boy, G, at Le Bon.s Tem.ps and caught the Sou.l Re.bels. I'm a self-proclaimed So.ul Re.bels groupie. As a native, I believe that an acute affinity for brass bands, jazz, and bounce music is in my blood...it makes it hard to not be caught up in the rhythm even when your feet hurt or you're 2 blinks away from a coma. Upon grooving and observing my surroundings, I was trying to calculate how long it had been since I was in a spot with so many attractive black men. I still have yet to come up with an answer. It must've been a grip b/c as more guy friends rolled through, I noticed that they were finer than I remembered. Be that as it may, I can't do anything with anyone long distance, so I had to avert my eyes and sidestep the flirtatious touching as much as possible. I'm not what I used to be so by 2 AM, I was propped up against an old piano, counting how many yawns I can muster in 10 minutes. We bounced shortly after.

Friday

I slept in the next morning and then joined a family game of Wii bowling. By that afternoon, I had made plans to have dinner with my former boss and then hook up with G afterwards. Seeing my FB was cool. She was telling me of some private contracts that were coming down the pike, to which I thought my current experience was beneficial. I believe that is when I first pondered the idea of moving back and perhaps acquiring what I deemed to be meaningful work. But considering how slow the N.O. can be in that aspect, I figured that I had more than enough time to fully do some research on the possibilities.

Later, me, K-Rizzy, and G met up for some good reminiscing and even-better drinks. We were having a good time on that bar's corner until G started looking a little too intensely into the cars that were stopping at the sign. G has been shot before. With that memory resurfacing, we thought it a good idea for us to take cover behind a wall, so we went down the street to the Bl.ue Ni.le. The So.ul Re.bels happened to be playing downstairs but we partook of the sounds from a DJ upstairs. Once we got to the balcony, this guy swooped in like a vulture and was much too overly aggressive for my liking. Just when I started to like the black people content at this joint, he ruined it. Upon pushing him off of me for the third time, I looked around and saw this guy that I had met a couple of years ago...or maybe last year. I really have no clue. I hugged this familiar face b/c he saved me from the other guy, but I still cannot remember his name and I was hoping that I wouldn't be forced to if he said mine. We maintained very little contact from our first encounter and I'm sure that was for a reason (a reason that escapes me, as well). We talked until I realized that I was both safe and bored and then me and K-Rizzy left to get a closer look at the brass band playing on the street, right outside of a taco truck. That taco truck had been there all evening, but this band appeared out of nowhere. Were they undercover? Was I THAT tipsy? I needed sleep.

Saturday

I sprung up the next morning, b/c me and RC were booked up for a day of shopping at the French Mar.ket and the the Riv.erwalk. I only packed for hot, hotter, and hot-as-hell...and well that day, it was hot-as-hell! Perhaps I HAD gotten used to the slight breeze in VA but I swear that Satan was walking next to me saying, "You can't hang, hunh?" Now, I may have cheated my low cholesterol diet while in town but I got enough exercise to last me a month. At the market, I spent too much money on N.O.-themed black and white sketches to go in my N.O.-themed kitchen. What can I say? I am a sucker for artwork that reminds me of home. We then took a break at Caf.e Du Mon.de and grabbed some beig.nets as I started to feel as if my deodorant had punched in its time card while my relaxer had questioned its long, hard-working hours as well. Which sucked b/c I was scheduled to take a family picture that day and was wondering how in the world did I plan to recover from this. We continued to walk along the river and then get briefly air-conditioned inside the River.walk. It was hard but I refrained from buying anything else with a fleur-de-lis on it.

I went back to my dad's house to freshen up for this ghetto photo shoot. Leave it up to my dad to not decide that Ol.an Mills or Se.ars would capture our fam's best moments in time. Instead, we went to his sis-in-law's, who happens to run a beauty shop and photography studio out of her home. Never have I ever gone to take a family photo, during which I was offered wine, chicken, and red beans so that I could be relaxed for the shoot. Only here. But they did mix a jazz CD for me, so perhaps it was worth whatever my dad negotiated in payment.

I met up with K-Rizzy again b/c, for some reason, I just couldn't stand the thought of being in the house at 10 PM. We hit up Bour.bon and once again, I was trying to determine the last time that I actually walked down Bour.bon Street...and for the most part, without a drink in my hand or a line dance...i.e. "the Bus Stop" in my heart.

Sunday

Mack texted me to see what my plans were for the day. I was the house heathen that skipped church that morning. K-Rizzy and I decided to have brunch instead. I had just bought a dress in the French Mar.ket and I thought that it was a brunch-y dress and I wanted to show it off. Unfortunately, Tro.pical Stor.m Fay.e was going to make my ANTM Sunday plans hard. Although I modified my wardrobe that early afternoon, I knew that I was going to have to be super-cute for when I met up with Mack.

When I told him where I was staying, he was a little too tickled by it and that's when I realized that his brother lived less than 2 minutes away. Small world N.O. We went to this dai.quiri shop up the street and chilled. Its weird...I was sitting across from this man, who could've used a shave, a haircut, perhaps even a change of clothes yet I was more into him than I let on (I hope)...more into him than anyone that I dated or merely thought that I liked (even Choir Boy) in the last 3 years. For some reason, I didn't want to ask him anything regarding his career...or if he was dating anyone. I figure that he gets interviewed enough. I DID feel as if we talked about me too much. But as I was listening to him discuss what all he did to move his sisters back to the N.O. and get their kids into good schools, I got all dreamy eyed. I told him about my 5-year plan and how I was considering moving to Te.xas and he looked at me as if I had lost my mind. I then back-peddled and said that maybe I'd stay in VA, to which he cut me off and stated that that wasn't happening. I knew in my head and in my heart that that wasn't happening either. And that's when he said,

"Why don't you move back to New Or.leans? It wasn't that bad to you before the storm."

I stumbled for a sec, b/c that wasn't necessarily true. He just didn't know all the drama that I needed to get away from and Kat.rina kinda freed me from all of that. I wasn't too interested in filling him in either b/c who I was 3 years ago is a far cry from the innocent, sheltered girl that he first met. Who I am now is no where near who I was 3 years ago, but "who I am now" doesn't know how she could possibly fit in Mack's world now. And to be honest, I just want to exist in his low key life...and still don't know if THAT's reasonable considering his schedule.

We stood outside and talked in the rain and I just wanted to freeze time.

Monday

Visited with a few friends to see their new homes or the progress of their old homes. K-Rizzy took me to Rod.ney's b/c I had been craving a bub.ble gum sno-ball and some soggy nachos. I used to live in walking distance from this place when I was a little girl. Everything felt the same, excluding the prices. I noticed that the housing looked more run down the further east we drove. While in the area, she took me to the house that J and I lived in before the storm. The man who bought my gutted home had made much progress...but I didn't too much care for his curb appeal decisions. To each, his own. The neighborhood still didn't have much life to it, in my opinion.

I missed G's speech at some women's empowerment convention. Why he was asked to be a speaker is still beyond me. I joked that he was supposed to be "empowering" the sno-ball that I had to eventually get with K-Rizzy. Instead, I went to dinner with J's godmother, EJ. She and her hubby used to be in driving distance while in B-More, but they moved back home 3 months ago. I still didn't get to see everyone that I wanted to see, but the more important players were present.

Tuesday

It was time to get in the VA mindset. My JJ had a hard time at the airport. Up until that point, he was ready to come back to VA but I guess the realization that his PawPaw wasn't coming back with him, hit him hard. I never had a grandfather or one that I had ever met but I imagine that the relationship that he has with his PawPaw is just as special as the relationship that he has with me. Due to the FAA glitch, I had time to wonder if all the benefits of being in VA truly outweigh all the benefits we would have if we were back home. Only time will tell.