update

So, from the pics of the baptism, it is obvious that I HAD to speak to my dad again sometime, right?

Thanks to everyone that read and commented on the "dear daddy" post. I go through these phases while blogging. If I write something random, funny, or shallow, I don't think twice about it. But when I write about something that's close to my heart or close to my hurt, I feel too exposed. Oftentimes, I don't come near my blog. I take a mini-break to regroup and write something surficial to balance out the blog vibes and to keep me from deleting the post.

But back on topic, I didn't stay in the N.O. long. The first day, I didn't say much to my dad at all. So you can imagine how awkward that is when he was the one that picked me up from the airport. I kept my attention on J, which was easy b/c he was trying to condense his whole summer into a 30 minute conversation. Aside from the car ride, I kept my distance and I could sense that he was keeping his. I got the impression that he didn't know what to say to me. My greatest concern was that my stepmother would approach me and want to discuss the letter. She tends to play the peacemaker role.

The day of J's baptism; however, we broke silence. When he spoke to me, he talked slow and chose his words carefully. I guess that's what I wanted even if it looked as if he struggled. When he dropped J and I off at the airport, he unloaded our bags out of the truck and bent down to kiss me. I turned my cheek towards him.

Since then, he randomly texts me during the day to tell me that he loves me. That should probably make me feel good; but honestly, it makes me uncomfortable. The first time that he did it, I texted a girlfriend to ask if it were possible to tell when someone is sending a text to multiple numbers. It's sad to think that it's so foreign for my own father to tell me that he loves me that I have to investigate why he's telling me that. It's hard. When you don't hear those words spoken growing up, the response "I love you too" doesn't exactly roll off my tongue with ease. Especially when someone's words doesn't match up with their actions, it lacks authenticity. My girlfriend kept telling me to give my father the benefit of the doubt. I did, but I didn't tell him that I loved him back.

The texts became more frequent. And then there was one about him valuing me as his daughter. That one threw me for a loop. I honestly thought that my stepmother was either telling him what to say or even typing it for him.

My heart is so hardened that I don't know what to do. We can talk about football, J, the weather, the price of gas, but verbally expressing affection makes me physically feel some kind of way. I see he's making an effort, at least. And I'm sure that this is what I wanted, but why do I need more time? I guess that I'm waiting on him to turn back to the regularly scheduled program.

finally

Guess what? The baby (yes, he's still my baby even though he's a month away from being 9 y/o) has been in Flori.da with his father for the past week and a half. And I didn't die, cry, hyperventilate, fall out, or have heart palpitations. He's heading back to his PawPaw in N.ew Orl.eans tomorrow afternoon.

I did get sick last week and can you believe that this child REFUSED to come back and nurse me back to health? I mean, does Mic.key Mou.se feed and clothe him? As far as his even caring, I recall him telling me that I need to turn the A/C off so that I don't catch a cold and he also asked about the flavor of my meds. I chalk it up to his having a lot going on out there and not much time to compose his thoughts.

But I can say one thing...the fact that he was having fun with his father perked me up out of my summer funk.

This was a first and a long time coming.

But let me tell you another reason why I was beaming. MY father was probably sitting in Ha.waii (yes, he went to Ha.waii with his church last week) eating crow and a whole heap of it!

Before, he was talking MUCH sh*t about J's dad. Talking 'bout how he 's not going to come through...talking 'bout how he puts everything else before his son...talking 'bout how he doesn't have an idea of what it means to be a father. He says that last line SO MUCH that it takes the WHOLE armor of God to keep me from spitting, "AND what in da hell do YOU know about being a father? And if that ain't the pot calling the m*****f***in' kettle black!"

Whew! I'm composed...

Don't get me wrong. I often think those things, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I want to sit and listen to him gripe about it. I had been in constant communication with J's dad, explaining to him how much this trip means to J. I put it in no uncertain terms that if he didn't come through...that that was his ass. Period. We had many talks over the course of the month that even went deeper than the trip. He said a lot of things that actually made me question if he finally gets it. If he finally understands the type of commitment that transcends beyond mailing a video game everytime J calls.

No, he doesn't have the best track record, but for some reason, I said "...starting today, we're gonna wipe the slate clean. I will not pre-judge you based on your past. I will give you a chance to prove your word."

MY dad, on the other hand, didn't want to be stressed about it and kept hounding me to tell J that he wasn't going to Flo.rida.

But guess what...he's wrapping that trip up as I type. The baby needs this time. He even got a little bass in his voice over the phone. This trip has me thinking. There will be some changes come next summer and I can tell who will be the first to be unhappy about it.

#30

And this, my friends, is Post #30. I started a day late, so I’m ending a day late. Never in my blog life have I posted 30 days in a row. Will I do it again? HELL NAW!!! If anything, I think that I’m going back to my 5-post-a-month average. I learned a few things about myself…I’m not a writer. I do not wake up in the morning, yearning to write. I enjoyed writing about my hair progress and my art projects the most but blogging felt like a chore at times. Can you believe that writing about my kid did not make the top 2? Maybe I should’ve lied, but I wonder why that is. Anyway, if I listed “writing a book” as one of my bucket list items, I may need to scratch that off. My life is not interesting enough for me to post daily and I don’t necessarily like detailing everything that I do, on down to every time I take a pi$$. As far as posting my opinions on certain matters, I try to limit that in general. I don’t want anyone to think that I’m coming from some soapbox standpoint. Much like my career, I’m a “Jane of all trades”, master of none. I only speak of things that have ACTUALLY benefitted me or that I’ve been successful at doing. Overall I am still trying to figure out life, much like everyone else, and I’m not always operating on level 10.

At any rate, I appreciated the challenge for all of what I learned about myself. I didn’t announce that I was going to do it, nor did I formally sign up to do it. If I’m supposed to get a cookie for doing it, then I’ll have oatmeal raisin, por favor. I didn’t want to complain about it every time I didn’t “feel” like doing it b/c, well, life is full of choices. If posting everyday was THAT much of a struggle, quitting is always an option. I am not being paid.

I would like to take the time out to thank the few lurkers that were moved to comment a time or 2. Don’t ever think that a blogger is doing you a favor by posting. You are doing them a favor by reading and they should either be appreciative or stick to writing in their own personal journals, period. And as for the regulars that have stopped by and shown me love, encouragement, and support… hopefully, you know that I am always grateful for you…even if we have never formally met.

And now that I’ve finished my Whitney-like award-acceptance speech, I feel moved to speak about something so I’m gonna go with it.

My cuz has been going through a tough time lately and I have been doing all that I can to keep her encouraged. Sometimes, you don’t want someone to preach to you or to put on the whole armor of God and sling Scriptures at you or to start off with, “Well, all you gotta do is…” or worse, sound aggravated that you have yet to solve your own problems. Not everything can be solved in 3 steps or less. A lot of things take time. Sometimes you just want someone to listen without judgment, to sympathize, to empathize, to simply understand. I am fortunate to have friends that are capable of doing this (maybe 2). Well, my cuz said something to me that was oddly familiar…b/c I’ve felt this way. She said:

“I just don’t know how I got here and why things are happening the way that they are. I have a mustard seed of faith and I am trying to hold on to my confession and not give up but when everything is going downhill, it’s hard to stay focused. I still know God has been good to me and he wouldn’t leave me out here all alone. It just bothers me because I know what it is like to struggle. I grew up that way my whole life and then I got to a point where I was fine and didn’t have to worry about anything. I always helped other people, and treated people right and now it feels like I am being punished or something. I know that sounds strange but sometimes I feel that way but I don’t know how I got to this part in my life...”

I had to pause and appreciate her transparency. Many times I have felt this way. I know a lot of people who are currently feeling this way and are deep in the holiday blues…so bluesy that it’s almost black. But sometimes, we like to paint the smiles on our faces and pretend as if everything’s copacetic. Maybe we’re embarrassed about our situations, but if you have never experienced a storm then you have never experienced life.

Let me tell you what I’m guilty of… I am guilty of wondering how someone who I KNOW is the daggone devil on earth can seem to have everything and never experience hardship. And when I wrote that, I was thinking of one person, in particular, who just complained SO daggone much but, IMO, he had it better than most. But then I think, we base a lot of things on money and financial stability and all of the things that we can actually SEE. And if you’re like me, you may even have friends on FB with photo albums of them at “Mar.tha’s Vine.yard” one weekend and then down in Mi.ami the next, cheesing so hard that their face might just crack. Every opportunity is a photo op b/c they want everyone to see just how great their life is. And if it is great, hey, I’m happy too. But all that glitters isn't gold. We have no clue of what a person is dealing with on the inside.

One thing that I have is peace of mind…and THAT is invaluable. Even when I was unemployed, I knew that if things were to get REALLY bad, I still wouldn’t be living on the streets. Worst case scenario, I would be living in New Orle.ans (which wasn’t a bad deal), with my dad (which would have been tolerable), but steadily getting back on my feet. Sure, it would’ve sucked to lose everything that I worked hard for, but I have too many loved ones that were not going to leave me to struggle alone. Well, my cuz has the same in me. I told her to be encouraged that whatever she may be going through is temporary. I remember when I first moved here and was hating life and VA, this very same cuz said, “it’s ok to cry and be upset, but you have to keep moving forward (even when you feel as if you’ve regressed).” Which seems to be the same advice that one of my fave bloggers, Leezie, has said to me time and time again. Only hers is more condensed…I believe that those nuggets of wisdom went like this:

Walk the path.

It’s hard to believe that 4 years ago, I had the clothes on my back and that’s about it. I had loved ones like my cuz that supported and helped me get through one of the deeper struggles of my life. And now, I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I’m a whole lot better off than I was. What I can also say is that NOW, I’m in a position to offer the same support to my cuz, without question. I feel honored to be her shoulder. I have no clue what this is all about, but I DO know that this isn’t for nothing. She WILL come away with something…maybe even more than she bargained for.

I hope that helps someone else and if that someone is only me, then that’s cool too. Now, I’m off to take a blog breather, for maybe a week or 2.

In the meantime, be encouraged.

ponderings

Well, this has been another easy-going day. I spent a lot of time...just sitting in silence, reflecting on my life. I thought about how blessed I am to be where I am, but still have a distance to go to truly be where I want. However, I will celebrate the NOW and not live my life in wait mode.

I cannot believe that December is damn-near here and 2009 is almost over. I'm glad that it is, but I still intend on finishing strong. There's no sense in catching bullets with my teeth for the past 11 months and then deciding to crawl under the covers during the 12th. I'm in a good mood, so I just hope to maintain it throughout the month and welcome 2010 with all the hopes that I didn't have for 2009 going in.

My dad is coming up on the 18th or the 19th and even my stepmother is going to make a guest appearance in VA after her 2 year hiatus. She has yet to see my not-so-new house. Somehow J was able to make her feel guilty for not spending Christmas with him and PawPaw. I think that there is still this divide between "his grandchildren" and "her grandchildren". He already let her know, waaaaayyyyyy back when I got my job offer and decided to stay in VA longer, that he was spending Christ.mas with J...whether she was on board for the trip or not. This shall be interesting. My dad has already claimed J's bottom bunk and told me that my stepmother can sleep with me. HA! No bueno. I will happily give up my bed and either sleep in my loft or on my sofa downstairs b/c we ain't doing the "JJ and Mich.ael".

I love my dad but I always have to get mentally prepared for his visits. He likes to think that he can run his house and mine too. I have no problem with reminding him who's name is on ALL of the bills that come here...I just need to practice my delivery. I can be kinda raw when he pushes my buttons and since my stepmother is coming, I can just hear her trying to soothe things and step in and start every sentence with, "Well, you know how your dad is..." Screw that. I don't have eggshells on the floors in my house. We can have it out now and see our respective therapists later, lol.

I'll just make sure that his list of things to do around my house keeps growing so that he won't have time to nag the hell out of me (like he does ALL the time) or rearrange my furniture before I get home from work (like he's done before) or start drilling holes in my wall without asking (again, like he's done before). I got a gang of leaves in my back yard that will take him 3 days to rake, pile, and bag up alone. Plus, he's already been summoned to fry a turkey or 2. I just need to add things that don't require him to take something apart or work with electricity. He somehow blew a fuse and my outlet in my sunroom does not work anymore...and he neglected to tell me that he's the reason why this is until months after he had gone back to the N.O.

With all of that said, I STILL look forward to the smile that he'll put on J's face. J's neighborhood friends are moving away and he's having a hard time dealing with that. I've tried to comfort him and he seems ok now. But when PawPaw comes to town, he loses his mind.

The only wild card left is J's dad. He's texted the same lame promises and I've maintained silence b/c well...his word is dirt to me. Let us all gather together and pray that while I am in the Christmas spirit that this dude does not make me turn into the Grinch.

10

TAKE 1

Scene: My mom and I walk into Kentuc.ky Fri.ed Chi.cken (KFC).

Cashier: Yes ma'am, may I take your order?

Mom: I'll have a chi.cken pot pie and uh...

Cashier: Hold on, ma'am...**hollers to the back** Do we have some chicken pot pies ready? Um, ma'am, that'll be a 15 minute wait.

Mom: **slightly disappointed** OK, well let's see...I'll have a 2-piece white and uh...

Cashier: I'm sorry ma'am...that'll be a 10 minute wait.

Mom: **agitated** OK, just give me some chicken strips and I'll have...

Cashier: That'll be 5 minutes on the strips.

Mom: **highly pissed** This is Kentuc.ky Fri.ed CHICKEN, right? What in the hell do ya'll have back there. Get the manager.

Manager: Yes, ma'am.

Mom: I have stood in this damn line and had my mouth all ready for some food and none of it was ready.

Manager: Ma'am, I'm sorry but...

Mom: Sorry? You're not sorry. I've been standing here for 15 minutes just to get to this counter for nothing. I don't know why ya'll call this KFC when it should be DFC for Don't F*ckin' Care!

**snickers from the line**

Mom: **faces the line** Ya'll might as well turn around b/c it ain't like they got sh*t cooked!

**I walk out, head down in shame, lol**

TAKE 2

Scene: I'm sitting on the couch watching TV with a guy that I was dating.

Mom: I'm gonna just go in the back and leave ya'll here. **door closes**

Guy: **thinking with other head** So... **leaning towards me**

Me: My momma is right in the other room!

Guy: She won't know...

Me: I doubt that...

**guy says something in Spanish and it was sexy as hell, so I figured that a little make-out session wouldn't hurt nobody**

Later that evening...

Me: So ma, I wanted to ask you if...

Mom: Who's been grabbing you around your neck?

Me: hunh?

Mom: Go look in the mirror.

Me: Ok....

**look in the mirror to see that guy has broken the record of how many hickies you can give a person in one night; 4 on the left and 1 on the right**

Me: Uh...

Mom: **chuckles**

**I mistakenly think that I'm in the cool**

Next day...my minister uncle is in town...

Mom: Hey, did you see her neck?

Uncle: **inspects hickies** Oh, what's been going on? Do we need to talk?

Mom: She's alright. As long as his mouth stays up there, I KNOW it ain't anywhere else.

TAKE 3

Scene: My mom was sitting in my dorm room telling me and my roommate some stories.

Me: Hey ma...when you and my dad met did you just know that you'd marry him?

Mom: Oh hell no! I didn't want him. I didn't even like him b/c he was FAR from my type. He just wore me down and well...I was kinda ready to leave Chatt.anooga.

Me: Oh...wow...that was uh...heartwarming.

It's hard to believe that it's been 10 years ago today since my mom passed. I'm not even quite sure of how something can feel like yesterday; yet, feel like a lifetime. I miss her all the same. I would think that, by now, parts of me wouldn't still feel like its unfair or that I don't fully understand why. But I'm not gonna wallow in that and I'm gonna try not to be sad today.

I'm just remembering the kind of woman that she was and wondering if she's partying it up, spanking MJ while going down the Heavenly Soul Train line, blaming it all on the boogie.

Keep Him laughing, ma...

decision

So...while back home, I made a decision. I decided that if I hadn't heard anything along the lines of "we'd like to extend an offer of employment" by the beginning of August, then I'm making moves to go back to New Or.leans. This is mostly based on J having to start school in the fall, which is quickly approaching. I've dicussed this decision with my dad and stepmom. Of course, my dad was grinning in hopes of keeping J there full time. As he said, "And now Christ.mas can be right here in New Orl.eans where it should be." And that's when my stepmom jumped on board b/c for the past 2 Christmas(es?), my dad has spent it with me and J in VA.

I have mixed feelings, actually. There are just as many pluses and minuses to being here or there. And then some may say that there's much more to the world than just Rich.mond or New Or.leans. I agree; however, I know what's best for me and J at this point in our lives. I have applied in several places though and I would have to judge each opportunity (if it came along) accordingly.

One thing for sure, I credit my spiritual growth to being removed from the N.O. Unfortunately, I feel as if I have regressed from where I used to be spiritually...say, 3 years ago, but that doesn't negate the value of these past 4 years. Maybe it's just that I've found some sort of balance, but admittedly, I am not where I want to be.

Not too long ago, I had my heart set on moving back to New Or.leans. As less exciting as it is perceived to go back home and as underdeveloped as the N.O. is in certain areas very familiar to me, home is home. The weird thing is, I have NEVER been close to family. I was close to my mom and didn't care to be bothered with anyone else. I feel as if I'm just getting to understand and appreciate my dad as a man and I actually like him (and see where a huge part of my sense of humor comes from), lol...a far cry from my feelings of indifference or worse. But there is something tugging at me, desiring a closeness to the people that share my cheekbones. And of course, there's J. I don't know what either of my grandfathers looked like; let alone, knowing what it's like to be spoiled by them.

I have this feeling of anticipation. I don't know where God is going to lead me. I have faith and I've done my "works", so only time will tell. In the meantime, I've made that decision.

sights and sounds of the N.O.

parlaying at a jazz lounge

Shan (4 y/o niece): I need to call my manager. **picking up old cell phone**

Me: Manager? Why are you calling your manager?

Shan: 'Cuz I need to get my money. **talking in phone** Hello, I need MY MONEY NOW!

Me: Hunh? **Shouting to everyone in the house** What ya'll in here teaching this girl?

old school jazz

Scene: My boy came over late one night. We sat on my dad's couch and started clowning each other until 2 in the morning.

Shawn: I have no love for Prince fans! You prolly ain't thought nothing about Mike until now!

Me: That's a lie. I was just reenacting all the dance moves from his videos with my friends on my bday. The one that you failed to acknowledge.

Shawn: N*gguh, please! You don't know nothing 'bout no Thrill.er.

Me: Do you know who directed the video?

Shawn: Mar.tin Scor.sese?

Me: Naw!

Shawn: Then who???

Me: DEEZ NUTZ!!!

**dapping each other...we have a 6-year ongoing game and I was crowned that night...childish, maybe so, lol**

the 4th - dad tending to the q

Dad: **walking in the livingroom with his shirt off, patting gut** Boy, if your girlfriends were here now, they'd probably pass out looking at my "case".

Me: Your case? Whatchu talkin' 'bout?

Dad: Ya know how some men have 6-packs...well, I got a whole "case" for 'em.
Me: **laughing and shuddering at the same time**

visiting TU

Scene: Sitting at the dinner table with the fam.

Dad: I'm gonna need one of ya'll to go and pick up J tomorrow...I got jury duty.

Everyone: **looking puzzled**

Step-mom: Do they know you got PTSD? You need to show them your papers so you can get out of it.

Dad: **being stubborn** That wasn't listed on the form for me to be dismissed.

Me: Dad, my momma got out for hemm.orhoids, SURELY, telling them you're a little "off" will get you THROWN out.

Dad: **getting agitated** It ain't gon' work!

Step-mom: Well just DAYUM! I sure as hell wouldn't want you on my case...what are the court systems coming to?

Everyone **throwing up hands**

Next day...

8:00: Dad leaves for court.

9:15: Dad returns from court.

Me: What are you doing back so soon.

Dad: Yeah, they told me I was too damn crazy to serve!

these tiny streetcars can be found around the city

Scene: Dad and I are talking about our frustrations with past employment.

Me: Dad, sometimes I feel as if I'm damned if I do or damned if I don't. I spoke up about things and I feel as if it came back to bite me. I'm still a little bitter.

Dad: I know, baby. Sometimes things happen like that. **rolling back in chair** I remember when I was on the railroad and this man started cussing and carrying on and at first, I was calm. But then he put his finger in my face and told me what all I was going to do...**motioning with his hands and talking through clenched teeth**...so when I had my hands around his m*****f****** neck, ya know, people actually looked at me like the sh*t was on me!
**somehow that made me feel better, lol**

in the UC at TU...getting comfy

Scene: Catching up with my girlfriends over dinner, my road dawgs back in college.

E: Ya'll, it has been so long since we all got together.

Me: I know...the last time I saw Keke, her a$$ was on HGTV wearing a damn evening gown when they displayed her new room. Next time warn a sista before I just "happen" to see you on tv.

Keke: Speaking of warnings...ya'll remember when ya girl almost got us all shot up outside the Troll.ey Stop.

E: I believe that was you.

Me: And your funky attitude. In fact, there was no warning. All I saw were ya'll running to the truck while I was talking to some random dudes. I could've been shot up.

Keke: Yeah, those were some good times, hunh? **laughing**

me and my beautiful OLDER sis, lol

Scene: I was lounging around the house with my scarf on my head before I decided to take it off.

Shan (4 y/o niece): What happened to all yo' hair?

Me: I cut it.

Shan: It looks soft.

Me: Well, I'm trying to be like you. **admiring her 4 thick ponytails while getting ready to put my scarf back on**

Shan: Leave it off. I like it.

**heart warmed b/c 4 y/os can be some huge critics**

dad and the grandkids

Scene: Squeezing onto recliner with J.

Me: J, do you miss VA?

J: Yeah.

Me: What do you miss?

J: Our house...my room.

Me: Yeah, I miss your room too.

don't stop 'til u get enough...

So, um...**peeping behind both shoulders**...I was able to sneak on here and type a lil somethin-somethin. Somebody charged my dad's credit card twice, so he left to "fix" the situation. I imagine that'll take some time...figuring in about 30 minutes to an hour of his cussing someone out, him happily telling people that he has PTSD and warning that he has choked someone out before, and then factoring in some time after the police are called....yeah, I have a few hours...LOL. Afterall, he once said, "Just 'cuz I'm a black man cussin' and hollerin' in a doctor's office, they go and CALL the police!" As if that was a problem, pops??? I don't get the logic either, lol.

Well, ya'll...I have been having a BALL. This trip back home has been just what I needed. Good food, good friends, crazy fam...yes, this was the salve to my soul. My baby even acted as if he was happy to see me. Last week, he kept rushing me off of video messaging...perhaps b/c he had more important things to do like play video games and watch tv. But now, it's a different story. LAWD, if he tells me one more time about this Harry Po.tter mess, I'm gonna start cussin' and hollerin' too, lol. I'll be glad when this movie comes out! Sheesh!

Navy was in town, on Friday, so we pretended to be tourists at our old stomping grounds, Tu.lane. Mayne, they have made so many changes to the campus since Ka.trina. Now I know why some houses weren't rebuilt...all of the money went to TU! Afterwards, we hit up a party that Darius and his boys were throwing at an old firehouse. There was a MAD MJ tribute happening and I moonwalked my a$$ off! I'm just disappointed that I couldn't come up with all the Thri.ller moves but I hope that Mike knows that we were out here celebrating his life...doing it N'awlins style!

Darius kept staring at me as I continued to act the fool. I hung out with him Friday, Saturday, and Monday night. I'm gonna need ya'll to pray for me during this upcoming week, b/c the "lil lady" is anxious and one more "come hither" stare may cause me to "drop trou'". Times are hard! My girl seems to think that both Navy and Darius have a "thang" for me and were competing for my attention on Friday night, but I don't know...or maybe, I just don't want to know, lol. Navy hasn't had too much good to say since I cut my hair. His step-mom asked me what Navy thought after I showed him...ya'll just don't know how much I wanted to respond that I couldn't give a sh*t, but my polite response was, "Well, I know what Navy likes and I assume this isn't it. Oh well, but I LOVE it." And hell, other guys love it too. This one dude that I've been knowing rubbed my head on the dance floor and I got a lil tingly. Yes indeed, it's TOO hot out here, lol.

Did I mention that I've run into a lot of old high school partnahs and the "mens" are fine?! I just like looking...and sometimes touching. Since I'm still celebrating MJ's life, I'm gonna be randomly grabbing crotches until...I dunno...Thursday, lol.

So tomorrow, I will be having lunch with my former boss. We'll see where that goes. The woman that I interviewed with in DC called me and asked me to fill out some forms. Well, when I looked at the forms, it appears that she would like me to fill in my accomplishments for a new government contract that she's trying to acquire. Does that mean that she's offering me the job? I probably should've asked that, but this whole situation is weird to me. Right now, I'm hoping that I can score an interview with a certain company in Richm.ond. I LOVE being home...I must say that again. I LOVE being home, but I like everything that my small suburb outside of Rich.mond offers my son. And maybe I sound wacko, but his comfort and happiness is my #1 priority. Yes, I know that that will be anywhere that I am. We'll see. I know that God is still working it out and I'll be happy to report when its done. I don't know what I want, but He knows what I need. So all I can do is trust Him.

I am SO blessed. Albeit, they are playing with my unemployment, I still have savings and other accounts to stand on. I have family willing to help out in any way that they can and friends that, at times, I don't feel I deserve. Right now...at this very moment...life is good.

But um...still pray for me. If another "pretty" dude walks by me looking and smelling good, I cannot be held responsible for my actions, lol. God Bless New Orl.eans!

hmmm...

My dad is flying into VA this evening. Unfortunately, he's not staying as long as I had hoped...or even as long as he thought, b/c my step-mom books all of his tickets. Usually, he stays long enough for me to take him out for Father's Day, but I guess that the joke is on us. It's not even so much that I want him to stay a long time...I like all the noise in the house and I don't want to have to say goodbye to J so soon. They are leaving next Tuesday.

J must think that I've lost my mind b/c I keep telling him "I love you" at the most random times. I don't want him to go. Granted, I have felt that way every summer since we moved here. But this summer seems different. I don't want the break. I'm not in the mood to go out. All I can think about is being near my baby. I asked him if he REALLY wanted to go. J said, "You can come home with me and PawPaw and stay while I'm there."

Truth is, I could. And I'm thinking really HARD about it.

can you pay my bills?

Mayne, FAMILY!!! I was talking to my "stalker aunt", T Val, last night. (She's my "stalker aunt" b/c she's real worrisome and will call you several times in a row b/c she thinks that you're sitting by the phone, looking at her number on Caller ID. And when you DO call her back or answer the phone, she has to know where you've been b/c well...she doesn't go anywhere and has THAT much time on her hands.) So anyway...I was talking to T Val and she was discussing her money woes. Her house was foreclosed on last year and she doesn't have enough money to make ends meet. Don't think that this is b/c of the state of the economy. She has been having money trouble before the day that I was born. You can't help but to have money trouble with an 8th grade education and no ambition...but she keeps her hair and nails did (yes, I said did).

Me: I don't know what's gonna happen. I just have my mind set on going home.

T Val: B*** (the convenience store that she's been working at for the past 30+ years in a non-managerial position b/c it would've been too much work) is talking 'bout letting go of some folks if they don't get bought out. Shoot, everybody worrying but I'm gon' eat regardless. I may be under someone else's roof but I'm gon' eat.

Me: **nervous** where you going?

T Val: I'm gon' stay with Tiff...c'mon up there to VA.

Me: You would come all the way out here instead of moving in with Les (her oldest son in ATL)...that's just 2 hours away from where you are.

T Val: I know but he gets on my nerves.

Me: You raised him!

T Val: Yeah, but let me tell you what he did...so he paid my lawyer bills for me right. It was like $1500.

Me: Really?!

T Val: Yeah but, this negro decided that since he paid the bill that he wasn't gonna get me anything for Christmas.

**Silence**

Me: Are you serious?

T Val: Yeah, can you believe that???

Me: What I can't believe is that he rolled off 15 $100-dollar bills to help you and you're griping about him not giving you socks or perfume for Christmas??? I mean, seriously???

T Val: He said that since he paid my bill all close to the holiday that I should consider that my Christmas present. I mean, how cheap can you get??? I didn't get nothing!

Me: **dumbfounded at how broke folks always want to be someone else's financial advisor** Did the lawyer's office call you around the holiday?

T Val: No.

Me: How about during the first quarter of this year?

T Val: No.

Me: Then you got peace of mind. Not just for Christmas but for all-year 'round!

Family! Sometimes you just want to choke 'em out.

random

Hello...**taps mic** anybody there??? **taps mic** is this thing on?

I'm trying to get back into this blogging rhythm...

So baseball season for the boy has started. He now plays for the Astros in the Rookie Division. I can tell you one thing...J got heart. He probably has more heart than he has game, but every day I learn something new about his personality and I become more and more honored to be his mom.

Last Saturday, he took a hard baseball blow to the eye and the coach took him out of practice to sit on the sidelines with a bag of ice. He was trying to "man up", but I could see "upset" written all over his face.

I said, "J, it's gonna be ok, man. It'll feel better.

He said, "I just want to keep on going."

This little dude didn't care if his eye swole shut, he was gon' be the one-eyed ballplayer in the bunch, if the coach let 'em. In the end, he was fine.

Life has certainly knocked the wind out of me a time or 5. Do you keep on wailing about it or do you keep on going? Man up.

...

Me: Hey dad, I just called to tell you that J did well on his Sta.r Stud.ent presentation.

Dad: **smile evident in his voice** oh yeah?

Me: I made 24 little friends in 5 minutes...I think that it helped that I brought cupcakes. But I got my eye on one girl, in particular.

Dad: Who?

Me: This little woman named Ale.xis. Other kids were asking questions like "How did you break that board in tae kwon do?" and "Did you ever visit Bat.on Rou.ge when you lived in Ne.w Orlea.ns?" This broad says, "Can you put your baseball cap on for me?" I don't like her...she too young for all dat, lol.

Dad: Well, what does J think?

Me: He doesn't like her either. He says that she keeps bothering him and touching him.

Dad: Is she black?

Me: Yep.

Dad: Oh...well, I'm gon' have a little talk with him then.

Me: Why?

Dad: He needs to know that that's the kind of girl that you want. Not them "hard to get" ones.

...

So, it looks like I'm going home for Ja.zz Fe.st next month. My dad said that he would kick in the money for J's ticket...b/c dropping $500 or driving 32 hours roundtrip during my time off is against my religion. I'm looking forward to it, b/c I'm in desparate need of a mini-vacay and a trip to the Fre.nch Mark.et to lift my mood. I've been so unmotivated lately...nothing that some crawfish bread, charbroiled oysters, beignets and a daiquiri won't cure. Plus, I just need to be around my fam right now...at least, until they get on my nerves and I'm ready to RUN back to VA. Let me rephrase...I need to be around my extended fam right now. I've been listening to some vintage Cas.h Mon.ey Million.aires to prepare for the trip. Laissez les bon temps roulez.

value

I feel as if I don't know wassup with anybody anymore. I am already unable to blog at work and haven't even kept up with my email partnahs consistently in months, so I'm out of every loop formed in 2009. My g/f from back home, K-Rizzy spent Mar.di Gras week (bringing some king cake with her) in VA with me. And although I don't think that I get too scandalous on here or spend a lot of time talking about the goings-on of other people, I didn't want my blog to be discovered while she used my computer for a whole week. So, I avoided blogger's presence in my internet history and goo.gle (although I remained logged on as invisible on Ya.hoo Messenger which has my list of friends entitled "bloggers", so this may have tipped my hand a little).

I felt so bad b/c I had too many deadlines and couldn't take off until Friday afternoon to spend more time with her, but she acted as if she didn't mind. Every other day, J and I didn't arrive home until it was dark and even then, I had to balance girl talk and 2nd grade homework. And as usual, J likes to steal my friends when they come to visit by flashing a dimple and asking if they would play some game with him. Within 2 seconds, I was left alone to my HGTV and then the back of my eyelids b/c my anemia is kicking up and I am horrible with my iron pills.

I enjoyed her company so much, b/c that's my family. When K-Rizzy noticed that J kept asking me what certain words meant, she got on my computer while I was at work and rushed a package of books to my house, including a huge children's dictionary (which he loves). She also left gift cards to Ho.me De.pot and Star.bucks (b/c I mentioned them in conversation) on my nightstand as hospitality gifts.

As I was driving away from the airport parking lot yesterday, I turned to J and said, "If you manage to have at least 5 friends like Ms. K-Rizzy is to me when you're my age, you'll be one rich man." He just nodded and said "ok", but one day he will truly get what I mean. At my age, I've already had my fair share of superficial friendships, frenemies, associates, and empty, evil people that secretly desire my misery or failure. Finding supportive, uplifting, genuine friends that actually want you to thrive and succeed is damn near impossible nowadays. From high school buddy to college roomie, K-Rizzy has celebrated my accomplishments, accepted (and sometimes laughed off) my quirks, comforted me after my mom's death, and took care of me after my son's birth. When I take inventory of my friendships, I am reminded that I'm either doing something right to deserve this or that God truly loves me.

disconnected

**phone rings**
Me: Hey dad.
Dad: Hey baby. Are you at work yet?
Me: No, getting there. Wassup?
Dad: I just called to tell you that it's your sister's birthday.
Me: Which one?
Dad: Shon. She's 36 today. Do you think that that makes me old?
Me: **chuckle** No. I think that the fact that you're knocking on 60's door makes you old.
Dad: I'm 58 and won't be 59 until September. I'm not even near the steps.
Me: **taps phone** Is this thing on? You are most definitely on the porch!
Dad: **laughs hard** Well, I'm about to go and dye my hair while I'm standing out there.
**laughs**

That's us. I'm the drunk one in the middle, wearing the hoochie mama clothes (but that was "in" for toddlers during the late 70s/early 80s...I promise). Anytime my half-sisters visited, it seemed as if their mom always packed matching clothes for them. They were the dou.blemint twins and I was the oddball with a bare midriff...on countless occasions. Our clothes mimicked our relationship: they were always in the huddle and I was on the sidelines. The only things that we had in common would be our paternally-passed big heads and similar first names (also paternally-inspired).

My dad calls every year to remind me that its one or the other's birthday. And every year, I'm surprised b/c I never bother to commit them to memory. I wonder if he calls them when its my birthday, b/c I can't ever remember receiving warm wishes from either one.

I called this afternoon. Shon didn't answer the phone, as expected.

We're just not that close. I wish it were different but it is what it is. My dad's concern is that the only time my sisters and I will come together will be at his funeral. I don't think that will be the case. I've attended both of their weddings and stayed at both of their houses in BR after Ka.trina. To my knowledge, we're not in the midst of a feud but I have been totally oblivious to people having issues with me before.

I don't think that they have ever felt comfortable around my mom. And I, for sure, was scared of their mother. I haven't seen her in a while but she looked JUST LIKE Penny's momma from Good Times and there was no way in hell I was going to be left alone with her...and an iron.

I think that my dad is feeling some guilt. My half-sisters and I knew that our moms would NEVER be buddies and would NEVER occupy the same room, if it could be helped. Perhaps if my dad had fully ended his first marriage before starting a new relationship, this would be different. Many things would be different. Maybe I wouldn't be disconnected from his side of the family. Maybe I would've seen MY picture up in my grandmother's house for once. Maybe I would actually call them my sisters instead of always emphasizing the "half". Maybe when we DID speak to each other, we wouldn't each insert "my" in front of "dad" as if we were talking about different people. I think that they were envious of me, b/c they assumed that I had privilege. All the while, I was envious of them b/c they had favor...not to mention, each other.

I grew to accept disconnection from "loved ones." In many cases, I deemed it necessary. So all of this made me think.

I have a bad habit of telling friends and family that I love them, but not always showing it. I have no problem doing this with my son and had no problem doing this with my mom. But I need to make this year about actions. I live less than 15 minutes away from my cuz and her fam and I can count how many times we've hung out last year on one hand. I need to be and do better. I have found myself saying that I have found better friends in my friends than they have found in me. I need to be and do better. And doggonit, I'm gonna call my sister's a$$ again until she cusses me out, b/c WE need to be and do better.

First step: I'm putting her birthday on my calendar.

boys

Take 1

Scene: J and I are sitting on the bed, discussing what we'd like to eat on a lazy night.

Me: I think that I want McDo.nald's.

J: Me too. I want a cheeseburger with no pickles, no onions, no mustard, and no salad.

Me: Salad? It doesn't come with salad.

J: That green stuff on the burger.

Me: Lettuce? You must mean lettuce. Do you know what lettuce is?

J: **looks up in the air to search for the answer** Hmmmm...**starts singing** a...b...c...d....e...f...g....

Me: LOL!!! LET-TUCE, NOT LET-TERS!

He was 3 y/o.

Take 2

Scene: I'm picking up J from choir practice and ran into the First Lady of the church.

First Lady: Oh, he's doing so well. He's learning all of the songs pretty quickly.

Me: That's good, then he should be ready for Sunday. Well, c'mon J...

First Lady: Are you ready to go, man? You all bundled up? How r u feeling?

J: My private hurts.

Me: **embarrassed and rambling to explain** uh, I already took him to the doctor...

J: Yeah, mommy, but the medicine isn't working.

Me: **through pursed lips** Can we talk about this in the car?

He was 5 y/o.

Take 3

Scene: I'm sitting in the doctor's office, completng a new patient interview with the nurse. J is playing his Gameboy.

Nurse: How many children do you have?
Me: **turning my head towards J and grinning** One.
Nurse: Do you drink?
Me: No.
J: **without looking up from his Gameboy and shaking his head** You just lied to her mommy.
Me: Excuse me?!
Nurse: **stops typing my answers**
J: We just had something before we left the house.
Nurse: **hard stare...probably wondering if she was going to have to notify Child Pro.tective Ser.vices**
Me: Would you please tell her what WE had?
J: Orange juice.
Me: **pleased with THAT confirmation** Can you ask me how many children I have again? I would like to rethink that answer.



Ya know...5 y/o came with some hum-dingers.

Take 4

Scene: J and I are enjoying an episode of "Tom and Jerry" in the living room. We're counting how many times Tom has gotten blown up.

Me: **laughing** Where is all that dynamite coming from?
J: I dunno. They just have a lot in that basement.

Me: **watching Tom use a bra as a slingshot for a stick of dynamite, thinking that its a good moment to quiz J on undergarment recognition** What is that J?

J: **grinning and slightly embarrassed** ummm....it starts with a B.

Me: You can't say it? It's ok to say it. What is it?

J: It's a bra, mommy, OK. **looking as if he wanted to say, "It's a bra, DAYUM!"**

Me: **satisfied, continuing to watch Jerry take it to dat azz**

J: I've seen them ripped off before.

Me: WHAT IN THE HELL? **mind screaming WTF????** WHERE THE HELL DID YOU SEE THIS?

J: **growing defensive and stumbling on his words** no, I mean...on wrestling, the women rip their underclothes off.

Me: WHEN IS THIS? So they walk around naked? You've seen them with no clothes on?

J: No, I mean...see, when I watch wrestling with PawPaw...

Me: Yeah, that's who I'm about to call right-damn-now, b/c everytime you see something crazy, he's around.

He was 7 y/o...and this was yesterday.

Later...

PawPaw: **old school and authoritative** Well, you don't want him to be no sis.sy, do you? He needs to know about that stuff. They show it on wrasslin' and everytime we play those "Bra and Panty" matches on his Playstation, there is a lesson behind it.

Here's MY lesson: It is much harder to raise a PawPaw than it is his grandson.

the men in my life

I'm in a weird mood tonight. I'm sportin' my doo rag, my ratty pink robe, AND my Os.car the Grouch hoodie...so it must be serious. Time to say goodbye to my Christ.mas colors: magenta, turquoise and lime. I drove my dad back to the airport around 6:30pm. His wife planned for him to go back to the N.O. before New Year's b/c she wasn't going to spend this year without him like last year. I invited both of them last year, but she made the decision to stay home b/c she wanted to spend Chris.tmas with baby Shan. My dad makes no secret about J being his favorite grandchild (without verbally saying so) and was quite fine with coming up here alone. His explanation for spoiling J is that his other grandkids have active dads, aunts and grandparents. J, on the other hand, just has me.

That is, he just has me until J's dad decides to show up. So HLS (Habitual Line Stepper) texted me earlier last week and said that he was driving up on Friday. Well, me knowing HLS the way that I do, I decided to not get J's hopes up...better to be a surprise than a disappointment. He actually followed through and came bearing gifts...for everybody. He brought J some games, a robot dinosaur, some Le.gos In.diana Jon.es stuff, and...wait for it...a pre-paid phone. I was actually shocked that none of that was accompanied with some story about his inability to make ends meet. But perhaps he had already gotten that out of the way during the week before. He then gives me a nightgown with Tink.erbell on it (which was cute) and gives my dad a straw, cowboy-like hat. I am my dad's child b/c we both looked at him like "why in the hell are you giving US gifts?" But I thanked him and kept it moving with little emotion. I don't need him to do anything for me, but he tries hard to impress. If he really wanted to impress me, then he should be a father to his child...not for my sake, but for J's.

The phone sparked some discussion, b/c IMO there is no reason for a 7 y/o to have a phone. So, I put some restrictions on that immediately. It can't/won't leave his room and he can only talk to his dad and his PawPaw on it. I told HLS that I have nothing to do with the phone and if he wanted J to keep it, he would have to maintain the account and put minutes on it. HLS left J's new phone number on my desk. I guess that I'm supposed to program his number, but I have no reason to call him when I can easily holler loud enough for him to hear me downstairs and when he's not with me, I should be able to reach him through some adult.

Anyway, J was on cloud nine...and didn't really care about the phone. It's very rare that he gets to experience this much testosterone within his 4 walls at one time. He didn't know who to play with. I decided that since it was Christ.mas that I would allow HLS to spend the night. I found it funny that my dad got in J's bottom bunk early that night, perhaps staking his claim. I quickly threw HLS a blanket, went upstairs, and closed my door. I can't be too nice b/c then he'll start thinking that we're close. I could care less about what's going on in his family (ESPECIALLY his mom who has made absolutely NO EFFORT to meet J), his job (unless it affects my child support), or whatever new body ache he has THIS week (dude used to always throw out his medical issues to gain sympathy and I used to fall for that mess in my stupid-er ages).

The next morning, I woke up to him cooking breakfast. I was on a mission to head to Pier On.e so that I could get those discounted Christ.mas ornaments.

HLS: Your breakfast is on the table.

Me: I'm heading down to the Pier O.ne.

HLS: You need to put something in your stomach first.

Me: **looking around to confirm that I was in my own home and that I was indeed a grown woman** I'm heading down to Pier On.e. If its still here when I get back, I'll eat then.

I think that the reason that I fell for him in the past had something to do with his constant fussing over me, nurturing and acting like the father figure that I always wanted. Not sure if I articulated that well but something like that but in a non-freakish way. He even noticed that the bruising around my ankles had disappeared and inquired of my current cholesterol levels. When he departed on Saturday, he left behind a book of poetry that he had written and 3 Christ.mas CDs (since my dad complained that I never played any Christ.mas music while he was here). I guess that he was trying to impress my dad as well, since they have never been the best of friends. Alcohol and gifts change things...at least for that moment.

Tonight, J and I had to say goodbye to my dad. J kept asking his PawPaw to change his ticket to the 1st. He couldn't. In a last ditch effort, J just asked that he stay an extra hour. Again, he couldn't. It was hard. No one barely said anything in the car.

My dad wasn't a great father and I never would've imagined that we'd get to this point after my shutting him out of my life for so many years. We got into it on a few occasions while he was here, but its interesting to see how easy we were able to rebound and resume our previous convos before the disagreement. He's a funny guy. He brags about cussing out his pastor, hearts the F-bomb, has yet to lose his Chatta.nooga twang, thinks that 'nam was the beginning of all of his "crazy" issues, ends almost every statement with "he'ah", farts and then waits for your face to contort, must have Crown within arm's reach, actually believes the women that tell him that he resembles Morr.is Chest.nut, can't hear worth a damn, will quickly impose his spiritual views on you and absolutely CANNOT agree to disagree...but he's my dad and to love him is to love all of that.

As for HLS...I was glad that he was able to carve out some time for J. I don't know how J will look upon his dad when he reaches my age. I just hope that he remembers this Christmas and how happy he was.

keep on driving

I have been having a lot of dreams about my momma lately. I wish that I could say that she glided her way down from heaven to hug, love, and kiss on me. Oh no. In every dream, she is nagging me about one thing or another. I sometimes wonder if she is trying to send me some message; yet, it doesn't seem to penetrate the many thick layers of my hard a$$ head. I never remember why she's chiding me once I wake up. But even the cool side of the pillow can't temper how hot I get about it, mentally kicking rocks, 'bout to spit, "that woman sho' gets on my nerves!" That is, until my eyes start to focus and I realize that she isn't here anymore. I think about this heavily during July and August, being the months of her sunset and sunrise respectively. My cuz tries extra hard to encourage me around this time b/c I always seem to disappear from people. Which is even easier to do, b/c J is usually back home with my dad. I guess that I keep re-living certain things and wondering what I could've done differently during her last days and how my life would be different now.

Anyways, I was driving to work this morning and everything was according to program...left turn here....merge right here...look at this a$$hole...I'm gon' give him the HARD gas face for cutting me off...punk won't look over 'cuz he knows that he's wrong...some sick sense of "gas face victory"...pay toll...giggle at Ste.ve Har.vey...quick swab of lip gloss...UNTIL this voice says, "Hey, you remember when that girl on the bike bust yo' window out? Whatever happened to her?" I laughed so hard that I almost missed my last turn.

I believe that I was 16 or 17 y/o. One evening, I backed out of my driveway and headed for a friend's house. Right when I was about to exit my subdivision...at the corner of the exit street and the main street...I inch my car out to see the oncoming traffic to my left before I continue. It was clear. I start to head towards the intersection at the neutral ground, separating the oncoming traffic to my right, and then BAM! I was startled, to say the least. I stopped in the middle of the street. But my car now had a small dent close to the hood, a busted out window, and in front of me was a big broad laying on the ground, parallel to a semi-twisted bike with a dented basket.

I was confused b/c there was no way that I could've picked up that much speed from the time that I stopped to look for traffic. And it seemed that if someone rode their bike in front of my car, I would've seen them.

Again, I was 16 or 17 y/o. I hadn't long had my license but I had long cultured my vivid imagination. Whenever I told that story, it went something like..."this chick crashed into the side of my car, did 3-4 sommersaults in the air, landed on my windshield, paused for 3 seconds, did a Dukes of Haz.zard roll off my hood, tumbled like a bale of hay in the street, and then posed on her elbow." At that time, I was a receptionist at a police department. I remember sitting in a conference room with a couple of the police officers and my chief of police the following morning. I was so distraught that my momma forced me to tell them what happened...and that's what I told them.

After I finished, there was not one straight face in the room. I thought that I was in the twilight zone, b/c the last time that I checked, running over people was a serious offense. One of the sargeants explained to me that that wasn't what I saw, under controlled giggling. There was no police report...in fact, as I was helping this girl up, 2 patrol cars rolled by and never slowed to see what the hap was. My talking to these officers, who had long been family friends, was supposed to be for my benefit. For insurance purposes, they had taken pics of my car to show that the location of the dent was proof that it wasn't my fault. Even the girl's fam, at the hospital, was consoling me and saying that it wasn't my fault...as if to say that this broad does this sh*t on the regular. Oh yeah, she just loves to slam into windshields during her spare time. The girl only had minor scratches, but she seemed most concerned about the dented basket on her grandfather's bike.

I was done. I told my momma that I was never driving again. She kept telling me that I had to get back out there and that if I didn't do it soon, I'd be too paralyzed with fear to get behind the wheel again.

My response, "And your point is..."

Then one morning, later that week, I grabbed my purse and strutted out to the car. The passenger side, of course. I still refused to touch the wheel, so my momma would again be forced to drive Ms. Dizzy. She comes out to the car, fumbles with the door and then the next thing that I see is her grabbing and shaking her hand in pain. I'm thinking, "Oh Lawd, here we go...I don't care if she slammed all of her fingers in that door, I ain't driving. Hmph!" Momma was lookin' for some sort of emotion from me that morning and she got nothing. Finally, she said, "I cannot drive this morning...I just can't do it...so you're just gonna have to get over yourself and take us to work." I was PISSED! As many times as I have given people the gas face while in my car, I had never driven with so much attitude as I did that morning. I'm surprised that I didn't get a swift smack in the mouth with her good hand.

I was extra careful. I even let the car rock back when I stopped before I revved up again. I creeped down every street and slowed to a crawl at every turn. Finally, I made it to her office. Momma opened the door, got out of the car, and then bent down and said...

"You are so pitiful. By the way, I didn't really hurt my hand. I love you too, Bye."

And then she blew me a kiss, smiled real hard, and raced up the on-ramp with a quicker pace than normal in her high heels...as if she knew that I wanted to run her over. I had all kinds of names for my momma that morning. I WAS MAD!

But I was driving...and then I understood.

So as I was thinking about this, I wondered if my momma has been showing up in my dreams b/c she knew that I was getting weary...or that I had been spending too much time hanging on to the past. I won't try to draw any conclusions. I just know that when I wake up mad again, hopefully I'll remember her mischievious smile on that morning. And that it gives me, even when I feel as if I'm a kiss away from defeat, the fuel to keep on driving.

lift the n.o. up

My dad stopped being foolish and evacuated with my stepmom and stepsister to Frank.linton, an hour and a half north of New. Or.leans at the toe-end of the LA boot. I have no idea why he left his truck in his driveway, but whatever, he is out of the bowl and can minister to whoever he wants on higher ground. Although I hate that he went to Frank.linton, I'm glad that he left. Aside from my stepsister, I seem to be the only other daughter of his that cares. My half-sisters in Bat.on Rou.ge have probably had (max) 3 convos with him since Ka.trina. My thing is, I know that he was not the greatest father in the world and we've had a rocky to almost non-existant relationship growing up, but sometimes you just have to let that sh*t go and move on. In my case (and I believe in theirs also), he has made a sincere effort to repair the rifts and I am a firm believer in meeting people where they are.

At any rate, I have been calling him like a crackhead since he left, b/c if everything goes as I suspect, I know that it will only be a matter of time before I'm able to reach him by cell at all. 504 numbers are already having issues b/c I think that everyone is trying to account for all of their family and friends. I got busy signals while trying to call 4 people from back home last night. Heck, I called MYSELF from my 804 home phone and got a busy signal. So fair warning, if anyone tries to contact my cell (b/c I plan to be 504 for life, lol) it might act a donkey for the next few days or so. But the numbers are in: I have partnahs in Frank.linton, Alex.andria, Bat.on Rouge, Atlanta and Jackson.

Just when I was contemplating moving back home, Gus.tav reminded me of what I don't miss. Whether or not a hurricane actually hits, the 2 to 3 day evacuations are for the birds. And you're highly pi$$ed if the hurricane didn't roll through as hard as it was claimed b/c you just spent money for nothing. I understand that you're being cautious but tell that to someone who doesn't have the resources or options for caution. I have always been blessed to have somewhere to go and money for gas, but there are MANY who are not as fortunate. Ka.trina was a wake up call, b/c IMO, everyone in the city was sleeping. EVERYONE IN THE LOCAL GOVERNMENT WAS SLEEPING!

Most of the time while growing up and ESPECIALLY as a college student, riding out a storm was the norm. I can remember a time when almost everyone that I knew had evacuated, but I stayed home with my momma. We were in the house, watching Life.time movie heroines and small trees in the backyard getting the breaks beat off 'em simultaneously. Not a drop of water came through the door while we were having our own private hurricane party. Everyone else that left had one issue or another, from loss of power to minor flood. Thinking back, that still wasn't necessarily the smartest decision...maybe we were too silly to panic or maybe God DOES take care of fools and babies. But after I had J, my mindset changed. He was my most precious cargo during Ka.trina and although being in Frank.linton sucked, we were STILL blessed, all things considered.

With that said, everyone in LA and the surrounding areas are in my prayers. I hope that ya'll are somewhere safe and comfortable.

Lift the N.O. up.

- 9th ward native

tales from the street minister

Scene: Since I've been working from home for the past couple of days, I have had time to check emails, read blogs (and write them), and call my folk in the N.O. I have been hassling my deacon daddy all day about evacuating. But he keeps saying that he has some things to do at the church, since his Pastor has been in Africa for the past 2 months...taking pride in the fact that he's next in charge.

Me: Dad, I need to know whatchu gon' do. All ya'll need to be up out of there. Gus.tav ain't playing!

Dad: When everyone gets home, we're gonna sit down and figure out when we're gonna go. Brenda and 'em gon' be outta here before me. I'm gonna go and handle some things at the church first.

Me: What exactly do you have to do??? What exactly CAN you do that will prevent that church from going down IF Gus.tav rolls through there?

Dad: Maybe I can minister to someone outside the church.

Me: Who in the hell you going to be ministering to if there's a mandatory evacuation. Didn't Jin.dal say that they're arresting people? I guess you'll be ministering to the other fools in jail.

Dad: I ministered to a man this morning at the gas station. I saw him drinking something out of a cup that he dug out of the trash can. I hollered at him and told him that he didn't know what kinda stuff was in that cup.

Me: Well obviously, he was desparate for food and lacked options.

Dad: I knew that he was homeless. I gave him some money...and I gave him some advice. I said, "Look here. I'm gon' give you this 5 dollars. You can take this to MACK-Donald's and get you something to eat. You might even wanna get on one of these buses that'll take you to safety. But let me tell you something...I'm not tryin' to question your smarts. I don't know what your education level is or anything, but in case you DIDN'T know...gas is HIGH! You got people pulling up to the pump, MAD already, and then YOU gon' ask them for change? They just might bust you in the head for the change YOU got. I ain't tryin' to tell you where to go, but if I were you I'd stand on the corner across the street or the one over there, but I sure as hell wouldn't stand here!"

LMAO!!! Lawd, hold my mule!