God knows I'm a knucklehead

It's THAT time of year again! The cubscouts are gearing up for the pinewood derby race. I re-read last year's post about it and I got teary-eyed again.

I had J sketch out what he wanted his car to look like. I'm trying to get him in the habit of planning and executing. Well, this time, he brought his sketch to me and I was shocked to see that he wanted his car to look like Harry Po.tter. The body of the car was in the shape (supposedly) of his favorite character of all time.

Now, I can be a tad bit more hands on than I need to be at times. I try not to take over the whole project but I want to guide him in the direction of success. I explained that the car was too boxy and; whereas, "cute" can win "Scout's Choice", the goal is to win the race. He looked dejected. I applauded him for his creativity (as I always encourage it), but explained that sometimes we get caught up in "looks" and that detours us from the task at hand.

I sketched out another plan, taking into account the best shape to overcome drag and the best place to secure the weights so that the car can go fast. He shook his head in agreement. As far as the design, we can compromise and have it look like a face...can't guarantee that it'll look like Harry Pott.er, but it will look "different". (He still wanted to argue with me on that idea, lol.)

We headed to Lowe's for "cut night" and afterwards, I left him responsible for sanding the car down. Now, that he is more focused on the goal, he has been sanding the mess out of that block. Any moment that he can spare, he's on the case. I find myself watching him when he doesn't know that I'm looking. And when I see him, I see me.

I made a few decisions going into the New Year. One is making me really uncomfortable right now, but for some reason, I know that it's the right thing to do. I can't even see the whole path and the thought of letting go of how I wanted things to be, terrified me. However, I feel as if I'm being directed and shown something better. That "something better" may not happen tomorrow and may not even happen this year, but I can't be concerned with the "looks" of it all in the NOW.

There IS a plan.

And sometimes, I think that God knows that I'm a knucklehead. And He will have me act out these little lessons through other people so that I understand.

At any rate, I don't know what the outcome of this race will be. I'm just glad that J is better at taking direction.

can it get ANY worse???

Yes, it can.

Tonight, I had dinner with some ladies from 2 jobs ago. Out of the 8 of us that showed up, only 2 of us left that job by choice (me and another lady in my department). The rest were swapping stories about being laid-off, who was still there, and the current financial state of that company. But in the end, all of us were in a better place...even though my lay-off was delayed until my next job. All I recall was sluggishly getting up in the morning, having to drive 45 minutes to a job that I grew to hate. I liked the people, but the work (or lack thereof) was unsatisfactory.

Anyway, I sat next to an older, white lady that I used to shoot the breeze with in the mornings. She would look out for me anytime another department had doughnuts, so I could do some quick ninja-like movements and beat the crowd. I believe that she favored me b/c we often bonded over our fondness for Pri.nce.

I hadn't seen her in 4 years.

Someone made a comment about loving her hair. She responded that she was just so happy that it grew back after her surgery.

This was a case where I wanted to know the backstory, but I didn't want to be intrusive...but I still REALLY wanted to know.

Someone else asked.

Thank God, b/c I was dying inside.

She said that she'd give us the short and sweet story.

A while back, she had a procedure done that essentially tied off the arteries supplying blood to her fibroids. She had a scheduled check-up some weeks later, but while in the parking lot at her doctor's office, she passed out next to her car. A police officer happened to see her and rushed to her aid. It turns out that she had an infection, related to that procedure, which spread into her bloodstream and she had gone into septic shock. She was informed that if she hadn't been under medical care that she probably would've died within 18-24 hours b/c the infection was spreading to her organs.

The doctors refused to perform surgery b/c of her condition, so they pumped her with a high dosage of antibiotics, which treated the infection. However, her veins collapsed in the process and she then developed a blood clot. Once the infection was treated, it was necessary that she have a hysterectomy...but she also needed a blood transfusion.

She cried out to God, "Can it get any worse?"

Surgery successful. She goes back to the doctor's office to get the staples removed. However, her doctor shares more news. Apparently, she had a very aggressive and rare form of cancer and it was speculated that she had 6 months to a year to live.

The doctor explains that he'd still like her to do ch.emo and radia.tion treatments. While processing this, she scrambles to change all of her insurance forms and gets things in order. She comes to accept her prognosis but finds comfort in the fact that she's accomplished everything in life that she wanted to.

Her friends frantically prayed for her. In fact, they were still on their knees from the beginning. She goes back to the doctor and he says...

"I don't know how to tell you this. I've had 4 other doctors look at your records and they can't explain it. There doesn't seem to be any cancer in your body. I've read about this happening in medical school once, but you're the first patient that I've actually witnessed."

She just celebrated her 50th birthday.

I sat there as she spoke, eyes glazed over, mouth ajar. I rubbed her arm. She tilted her head towards mine. I think that she thought that I was consoling her, but actually, I just wanted to touch what I perceived to be a miracle.

I learned a long time ago to never ask if life could get any worse. Damn if this story doesn't put a great many things into perspective...

stay the course

Lately, I have been praying in the spirit since I haven't a clue of how to lift this fog that has been hovering above me. While driving home from Bible Study tonight, I was thinking of all the different things that make me feel good. I started to take notice of the things that DO make me feel good, but DON'T exactly honor God. I even know how to string those "feel good" moments together to create the facade of happiness.

And then I thought of my vision and how my wants may take years to come to fruition. I can't wait for everything to align itself before I experience true joy. I just don't have that kind of time to waste.

I know that my blog has been the farthest thing from upbeat. It's easier for me to pray for material things or a new job or a companion. I can see those things. I've been taking "this" day by day, hoping for a revelation or confirmation. I've gotten many. And low and behold, tonight's message was all in my window, greeting me at my front door, and chilling on my couch.

When I was a teenager, my face broke out horribly. I was beyond believing that I could be helped. My mom took me to the dermatologist and I was immediately prescribed some random acne medication. The warning was "it's likely to get worse before it gets better". Some of the blemishes that were beneath the surface would be brought to a head and then the healing process would begin. This most likely lacks the eloquence of one of Jesus' parables, but it'll do.

one word

For some reason, there is one word that is constantly repeated in my spirit and, unfortunately, I am unable to shake it.

Humility.

I have been struggling with my spirituality for the past couple of years. Now, that's not an open door for someone to just walk through and sling some verses or Christ.ian cliches at me. I own a Bible. I recall verses.

In all honesty, my view of God lately, has been that He's inconsistent. There are certain areas in my life where I feel that He truly has His hand on the situation. There are times when He's carried me through storms, while I was ignorant of its severity. But there are other times when I feel as if I'm fighting alone and waiting on Him to ring the bell...or that I've screwed up so bad that He's just thrown His hands in the air.

I am well aware of His goodness. He has certainly shown Himself to me this year and every year. I'm just trying to organize my thoughts.

So there's a verse in Revelations...3:15, in reference to being neither cold or hot. I have been feeling lukewarm. I used to have a fire. Since it flickered, my faith has been sinusoidal. B/C of this, I sometimes feel as if I don't have the rights to anything. Yet, at the same time, I get mad...as if I believe that God owes me SOMETHING.

Maybe this is where the humility comes in. I can't turn a corner without my blessings in sight, but I focus more on what I haven't gotten an answer to or what has yet to be resolved.

ch-ch-changes

New Year's is approaching. I can't believe that 2008 has come and gone so quickly. I don't ever make resolutions, b/c come Jan. 5th all of 'em will be looking for me. I can only strive to be a better woman/mother/daughter/friend/engineer and take the lessons that I've learned over the past year and apply them. But while under self-scrutiny, I decided to start making changes now.

1. Career: After my company dropped the bomb in the middle of last month, it sparked much introspection. I have done some researching and have since found that other architectural-engineering firms in the area have been giving the same speeches to their employees and hiring freezes are the norm. Well, the prez has requested another meeting on Monday. Again, there is much speculation that Monday is Doomsday. I'm to the point where there is just not enough worry left in me. If it happens, it happens. I have already been knocked down a few times in life. I may lay there for a second, but eventually I come up swinging. I enjoy what I do, but if this is God's way of nudging me in the right direction, then all I can do is look forward to next season's blessings. If that's still in engineering, then my goal is to get my PE license next year and do my own hustle.

2. Love: All that I can truly promise is to keep an open mind.

3. Vices: I have become more and more raw by the day; yet, I've always known how unladylike cussing is. It's hard, b/c I think that its my #1 vice. But I have been feeling so convicted that I just can't stand it. We'll see how long this lasts, but I need to be better at controlling my tongue.

4. Spirituality: I have been struggling in this area over the past year and I'm positive that God wants more from me. I've been feeling as if I've been at a crossroads and have no idea which direction to choose. I need to increase my presence both inside and outside the church. Reading, praying, and speaking life.

5. Finances: I have been pretty steady in this area, but I want a "Travel Fund" so that I can afford to go back home as much as I want to and wherever else my heart desires. Of course, I want to save more but I still have some debt to climb. But again, I am pretty diligent with this and still foresee my student loans being paid off by June 2011.

6. Motherhood: I love my lil man, but I can stand to be more patient with him. And maybe I should work on his crawling into bed with me every night. I just want to hold tight to his youth, but it's probably time to let go. That's my baby though.

7. Reading: Do better.

8. Health: By the looks of my ankles, I think that I'm doing well. I have not had my follow-up blood test yet, but I believe that some of the diet changes have paid off. We'll see. There's always room for improvement.

reunion

So I spent this evening watching my cuz's hubby deliver his first word and you know what? I am so glad that I went. It was a very emotional service and family reunion. I hadn't seen my church family from our first church in so long that I had forgotten all the love that they showed me and JJ when we moved up here. My cuz and her hubby are at this new church, Choir Boy had gone on to his new church, and I had gone on to mine but it was nice to have our core group and everyone else that I either sang in the choir with or counselled under all meet up in one common place and be together again. I learned that I should let go of some of the things that are hindering my relationships with people and that if I'm going to judge someone, I need to first take a hard look at myself. This was not the message that was given by my now Elder Cuz-In-Law, but one that was dropped in my spirit as I listened to some things on my mind be confirmed. This was also the first time IN A WHILE that I have prayed in the spirit. So I need to stop going through the motions and reignite the fire that I once had and get back to studying the word like I used to.

speak life

I believe in speaking things into existence or, biblically paraphrasing, life and death are in the power of the tongue. However, if God is operating within the supernatural realm, and I'm operating within the natural, I believe that it takes both of our works to make something happen. I do believe in miracles, but I don't live my life in hope of one...I feel that that's how you get trapped into being stagnant and in wait mode. THERE ARE sometimes when you have to BE STILL, but I find that that's still considered an action b/c it's easier for me to push for something to happen and do things out of order. Other times, I have to keep it moving and I'm sure that God wants me moving too. And of course, I have to be in alignment with God's Word before I call God to the carpet, remind Him of His word, and ask that He bless a situation. I know that God can work some mess out but the goal should be to get from point A to point B, the quickest way possible.

And I said that, but yet, I feel as if I rambled way past the direction of my post. Back to life and death being in the power of the tongue...

I get frustrated, impatient, discouraged, angry (which is the main thing that I'm working on with Suzie B), and experience all of these negative emotions that I allow to author my lines in my life's script. Overall, I think that I am an optimist, but there are certain aspects of my life that I just can't seem to get a handle on. Most of the time, I'm not even conscious of it and I'll start killing something before it starts. And then there are those times when you'd rather undercut the blow of disappointment by talking a situation down just in case it doesn't come to fruition. B/C it's better to be surprised that it turned out better than you had planned, right? But I have been charging myself to speak life into those situations...no matter how damn-near dead I think they are...and just work on how I deal with the emotional aftermath if it wasn't for me to have. I have to remind myself CONSTANTLY that God is probably working something out in my favor in the long run, but He knows that I kicks a mad fuss about it now.

I was rapping to one of my good g/fs, prayer partnuh, and serial monogamist, Doc T, in Chi-Town last night. The last time that I talked to her, she was dating some guy that I never got the chance to hear the details on. That had to be about a month ago. But it seems that now, she has a new man (who may or may not officially be her man), but as she was describing his traits, I think that I exhaled for her. My g/fs and I have been in some sh*tty situations, but Doc T is the queen of some chronic bad relationship syndrome. But I have never...NEVER...heard her speak negatively about relationships. About the men that she dated? Yes, and they deserved a little more than one negative word or 2. But the whole idea of a relationship was never tainted for her. I think that she just took the attitude that she was learning about herself or that these men were being removed from her life so that God can make room for the one that He'd have for her. In the meantime, she'd have some fun, battle a little heartbreak, and get busy with the joys of her single life. Doc T is just so genuine, the sweetest woman that I know, and listening to her struggle with her Christian priniciples in this day and age of dating makes me chuckle sometimes. But I find her honesty and wit to be one of her most engaging and refreshing qualities. Sometimes she unknowingly lingers around that TMI realm, but there's still that unexplained innocence about her. She's just real.

In comparison, once a relationship dissolves for me, the first thing that I say is, "Dating is hazardous to my health" or "I don't want to be in a relationship" or "I'm not ready for a relationship." Truth be told...I want to be in a relationship, b/c eventually, I DO want to get married. I have to learn to be comfortable with admitting that, b/c I have to be true to my heart. And the whole "not ready for a relationship" phrase is crap. Whether or not I'm ready for a relationship...or the one that I desire...is in God's hands. I believe that sometimes He doesn't give you things b/c you're not mature enough to handle it correctly. Let me walk up on a man with a spiritual backbone, good job, excellent work ethic, SANE, allergic to drama, and can get his Emer.il on. I mean, a motivator, a trailblazer, a financial chief rocka that can match my wit and sexual appetite...if I told him to kick rocks b/c I so-called wasn't ready for a relationship, it must be b/c I'm smoking them. I don't know if God thinks that I'm ready for that, but I'm shaking my head HARD right about now. **Goes outside to point God towards my address and confirms that he has the right number**

Sure, there are many benefits to being single...I don't have to hear about how often I watch HGTV or compromise that b/c the game is on. I don't have to turn down the heat b/c other people are burning up in the house. I don't have to juggle a checkbook with another person, get mad b/c they impulsively bought a Playstation 10 or explain why I needed some new kicks or another wall sconce. But all of those compromises are small in comparison to the blessing of a healthy marriage. And it's b/c healthy marriages don't seem to be prevalent in our society that great care must be taken in the dating and relationship phases. I have to be patient. I have to be still. But first, I have to speak life into my situation. I DO want a relationship with the RIGHT man. And if I keep bumping into the wrong ones and not taking heed to my intuition or God's word, please let them be quickly removed. I'm young, but too old to fall back on not knowing what I want in a man. I know what I want or I, at the least, got the basics down...I won't even venture to speak on what I deserve. But right now, it's my prayer that I stay happy in my singleness so that I can recognize and deflect nonsense.