I PASSED!

Pictured below is J and I at the school's Mother-Son dance a few weeks ago.

Pictured above is a woman, who just found out 2 days ago, that she passed her PE exam!!! I am still on cloud 9! I believe that I have hit the stage where you debate what kind of frame you want to display your certificate in and on which wall will you display it. Should I hang it up in my home office or bring it to work and ask, "Are you ready to take me seriously now?" I have 2 months to decide since that's when it will arrive.

Admittedly, I was freaking out this week b/c my co-worker and accountability partner found out that she didn't pass her exam (a different one from mine). And then I heard tale that 2 people in my department (who were attempting a different certification) didn't pass their exams. And seeing as how I'm not foreign to failing, I was ready to hang it up. My books have been stacked against a wall across from my bed since I took the test, ready to be picked up again if necessary. Yet, in my mind, I couldn't fathom having to sacrifice my livelihood for months, holed up on weekends and getting up at 3 am on weeknights (when it was quiet), studying until it was time for me to get ready for work.

I had just finished discussing my plans for the Memorial Day weekend when I checked my email on my phone and saw that the testing board had posted the results. This is earlier than normal b/c they usually like to ruin your July 4th, lol. I wasn't so sure that I was ready to give up being content with life to know my results. I logged into my account and viewed my notice with my hands covering my face. Slowly peeking to the right, I saw in all caps, "PASS!" Holy mother of God, I had to muffle my screams. I cried. I jumped around. I got my shout on. This.was.big.

I am the first one to acquire this license in my specialty, one of 2 women in my dept., and one of 2 black people in the whole daggone company. I popped my collar so hard that I almost got a crook in my neck, lol.

I promptly printed my results notice and pranced around with it. The VP of my dept. wasn't in his office, so I kindly emailed him the results and cc'ed my direct supervisor.

I got a "congratulations", 3 handshakes, increased respect....oh, and a RAISE effective immediately. And there's more where that came from come annual review time in July.

I know that I neglect my blog more often than not, but to retrace what I have written to date about the things that I have gone through career-wise makes me feel so blessed. Two years ago, I had just been laid off and had no clue of what I was going to do. Interestingly enough, the same people who were responsible for letting me go were the same people that wrote my recommendations for my exam application afterward when asked. I guess that I have to thank them for helping me to get where I am now. Finally, I'm at a place where I'm valued.

I almost feel as if things don't come easy for me for a reason. I adore humility in others and that's how I wish to remain. But mayne...when I get my stamp in the mail, like Ye, "You can't tell me nuthin'!"

**Dancing**

press play

I'm back! I was supposed to blog a week ago. Once the test was over it was great to get my life back, but I still had mommy duties that kept me tied up in the evenings and any spare moment that I had was allocated to this wonderful pasttime called sleep.

I guess one could say that I had a severe case of tunnel vision. I had to reprioritize, so blogging and FB'ing lost out.

How did I do? I don't feel great about the test at all. It was a beast. I didn't tell anyone at work that I planned on taking the test. No one has those credentials in my department and I didn't want to draw a bigger "X" on my back. While at the testing center...of ALL people...they sat me next to a coworker, from a different department. He said that it was his 3rd time taking it. I also ran into an ex-coworker, who was taking it for the 2nd time. I thought, "I've prepped and prayed." I had my books in the bleachers while my baby had baseball practice. I caught some study-time in the car, while J was in drama class. And if the activities at the cub scout meetings could be handled without me, I broke out my material. I missed out on 5 beautiful springtime weekends (only sunning during J's games) and tried my best to push through my sleepiness and illness (in the last couple of weeks) on weeknights. I had visions of turbines, steam properties, and moment diagrams creeping into my dreams.

At any rate, I'm glad that it's over and I don't intend on worrying about it for the next 3 months. When I picked up J from afterschool care, the first thing that he asked that day was, "How was your test?" I told him that I didn't feel as if I did well. He said, "Well, at least you tried." All I could do was grin. My baby knew how important it was to me and did his best not to bother me while I studied. My "friend" was VERY supportive and would check on me when I would go "ghost". I realize that I wasn't myself throughout this whole process and I appreciate him for putting up with me...even when I was a wee bit difficult to deal with. My dad even said that he was proud of me for going through with it. That was enough to make me feel pretty good, despite the outcome of the test. For a minute, I wondered if I should've just waited until October since I wasn't notified that I was eligible to take the test until it was late in the game. I'm not mad b/c I sincerely did my best. I just think that in this case, my best may not have been good enough. I won't know the results until July, so in the meantime, life goes on. The only thing that does disappoint me is that I so wanted this to be a good testimony, but now, I don't think that it is.

In the midst of my aggressive study schedule, my cousin made the big decision to move the Monday after Easter. I mentioned that she was going through some things before. Shortly after I moved here, I recall her saying that she wanted to move to Char.lotte. Somehow over the course of the last year, I was able to convince her that Houston was a better option. This was purely out of my own selfishness, b/c I knew that eventually I'd be moving back home and Houston is pretty close. I never imagined that everything that has happened would've happened and I certainly wasn't prepared for her to make such a huge decision and follow through with it as quickly as it went down. But knowing her, I'm certain that she made the best decision for her and Baby E. So, there's nothing more for me to say on the matter. One day soon, we'll be in close proximity again so this is yet another thing for me to look forward to.

Being out of the loop hasn't been such a bad thing. One day last week, I left my cell phone at home. I realized it while I was dropping J off at school and actually considered driving back home to get it before going to work. J said, "It's good that you left it at home so you won't be distracted while you should be working." I paused b/c I was trying to figure out what he knew about me being distracted, lol. But he's right. I survived without it...just as I survived without the internet. Being tied to the internet has distracted me from giving my full attention to many things that should be more important. Taking those steps back was not only necessary for studying, but also for some perspective. And I think that I will continue to go with that. Not everything is meant to be put on display and some things aren't meant for me to see.

Let's see...if there's anyone out there that reads me SOLELY for my hair updates, I apologize. I'll post something this week, but I'm kinda boring in the hair department. I wore twists for 5 weeks and now I'm tired of them. This past week, I wore my hair out b/c I wanted a change. Just to give you an idea of my situation now:

End of January (I don't know what was up with my camera)

End of April (w/beaucoup frizz)

I'll post some backstory and more pics later. I said that I wanted thicker hair. Now, I'm not so sure, lol.

So again, I'm back! But I am in the thick of baseball season, spring play rehearsals, and cub scout activities so please bear with me. A sista gets worn out. :)

HOT DAMN!!!

Remember THIS???

Well, I won the fight!

I'm sitting for it in April.

This test is almost $300...

Please pray that I pass!

the day after

Scene: J and I are in an aisle at Home Depot, comparing sandpaper. A white-haired older man, a Home Depot employee donned in an orange apron with the name "Ernie" scribbled in black marker above the pocket, approaches us.

Ernie: Well hello! Is there anything that I can help you with?

Me: We (I mean, he) has an upcoming pinewood derby race and we need some items to finish designing the car.

Ernie: Oh, really! I JUST helped my grandson with that. Do you know that he came in second place? I can really teach you some tricks that will help you win.

Me: Well, I wrote down a list of things that I think we need. **Reading from list** Sandpaper, primer, paint, and weights. Will this sandpaper do the trick? All we're trying to do is round out the edges.

Ernie: Yes, it will. We'll grab that and now, follow me. **he motions with his finger**

**Ernie walks us to the front counter and points at a tube of graphite lubricant.**

Ernie: You see, you want to put this on your axles so that it reduces the friction between the wheels and the axles. **He looks at J** This will help you to go really fast!

Me: OK, great!

Ernie: Now, let's go look at some paint.

**Ernie walks us to the paint aisles and asks the lady behind the paint counter about spray-on primer. She points us to the containers that have paint and primer combined.**

Ernie: What color do you want it?

J: Red.

Ernie: About as red as your jacket?

J: Yes!

Ernie: **directed towards the lady behind the paint counter** Can you get us a red about the same color as this young man's jacket?

**She disappears**

Ernie: Do you have brushes at home?

Me: Not any good ones.

**Paint counter lady reappears with the paint.**

Ernie: Can you pick us up a brush too?

**Paint counter lady (PCL) leaves again and then comes back with some brushes.**

Ernie: **looking at the items and the paint lady** Good. Now how much is all of this?

PCL: I know that this **pointing at the paint** is $2.69. I'm not sure about everything else off-hand. I can check.

Ernie: **taking off his Home Depot apron** That's ok. I will see. **he taps me** Please be patient.

**Ernie walks away with my items. I smile b/c I was so happy that he was helping me. Ernie then returns with everything paid for in a Home Depot bag.**

Ernie: **pats me on the back** Merry Christmas.

**Ernie hands me the bag and then disappears between the aisles. I thank him as he walks away.**

I woke up yesterday feeling so heavy. Reality had set-in overnight, and although I plan to fight the decision, I was disappointed in myself. All I really wanted to do was stay in bed, but I had a tight schedule and taking a moment to feel down was not an excuse to NOT handle other business.

A couple of posts ago, I mentioned having a 5-year plan. Well, at the end of those 5 years, I hoped to be back home closer to my family. In my mind, passing this test was going to help me get back there sooner, b/c having those extra initials would automatically make me more marketable...even in the toughest of markets. So I wanted to get it knocked out as soon as possible. The next one is being offered in October, but for some reason, that's not good enough for me.

Anyway, it's amazing how someone's act of kindness can not only motivate you to keep going but can also motivate you to be a better person. I will definitely pay it forward.

Thanks, Ernie.

post-anxiety

Well...**sigh**...tonight, I received some disappointing news. The very thing that I feared has happened. The Board didn't give me the "ok" to sit for this exam in April. I could tell that the decision was unfavorable by how thin the envelope was. I have been waiting for their response for weeks now...and here it is.

Surprisingly, I'm ok. A few days ago, I picked up Joyce Meyer's book Managing Your Emotions. I must say that that purchase was right on time. Somewhat. I walked into the bookstore, caught the eye of a gentleman, who lingered around my aisles. We danced around each other until I picked up this book, suggesting that I may not be able to approach situations logically and...dude disappeared. Whatever.

Anyway...much like being downsized, the fear of this happening felt much worse than this actually happening. So, there's only one way to go from here and that's UP.

Also, on the upside...they didn't give me the "ok"...but they didn't exactly say "no". I got a loophole, a name, and a number. I don't really have time to be down as I need to work this out. A lot is riding on this.

The fight is on.

anxiety

When I reviewed my bank statement, I noticed that the Board cashed my registration check last week. And so it begins. They have since sent me a “take-home” exam, on regs and statutes, to be returned to them as part of my application. A passing score on this is required to receive my license. This wasn’t even the last thing that I read before I fell asleep, but last night I had a dream (or nightmare) that I went in to the test site.

I walked in and saw other people that I know. A chick that I was in In.roads with, a dude that I met recently (who is also an engineer), and “ole dude” (another engineer). I didn’t speak to any of them b/c I was focused on my game. I received the test, reviewed it, completed it, with time left to spare. I turned it in and then went bowling with the In.roads chick in the hallway, as I waited for the results. Yeah…the bowling part seems odd. The proctor came to the door with a list. We all froze and waited for him to call our names, confirming that we had passed.

He shook his head, as his finger went down the piece of paper.

He said, “Well, everyone failed, except…”

I stood there, repeating my name to myself, willing him to say it. Finally, he calls me out. I was in mid-Hallelujah when he says,

“But since she misspelled her own name, we’re going to have to throw out her scores.”

WTF???

I.had.a.tantrum.

I started arguing and crying, knocking stuff off the desks…and then I woke up.

Test anxiety, much???

I do not test well. And then it doesn’t help that everyone that I poll (with the exception of 1 or 2) failed the test the first try. I asked the dude that I met recently if he had any tips or materials that I could borrow to prep for the exam. He told me that he had yet to pass the E.I.T. and then asked me for tips on that. I took that test the fall before my graduation. I was absolutely shocked when I passed. The only tip that I COULD give was pray. All of my study materials were washed away in 2005.

To say that I’m scared is an understatement.

I’m not that confident in my experience. After I graduated, I turned down a job offer in TX to be in love, play house, and stay at home with my baby J for a year and a half. And then entered the workforce, only for a natural disaster to take my place of business out after I had been there for 2 years. I move up here. Finally, I find another job after 6 months, only to discover that I hated it after 9. I emailed a contact that I made (my former supervisor) and started working at my last firm. I saw increase, received stellar performance evaluations, and then I was downsized after 2 and a half years. I twiddled my thumbs for 4 months (although I got the opportunity to go back home 3 times), and now I’m on month 3 of my stint at the new place. For someone like me…someone with such a spotty history…to be offered an interview is a blessing. But one thing that I can say, if I get the interview, then I get the job offer. I need to take whatever attitude that I take into those conference rooms into my exam site. Maybe it’s easier for me to convince others of my capabilities than it is to convince myself.

No one in my department is licensed nor is my immediate supervisor. The director of my department has a license, but I only intend on talking to him about reimbursements and other options. Aside from that, I would like to keep all of this under wraps, b/c (1) I don't know if I'm going to pass and (2) I don't want anyone thinking that I'm trying to phase them out. This has become more of a personal goal, than simply a professional one.

At any rate, I completed the “take-home” this morning and mailed it off at lunch. And now, I’m just waiting for the Board to give me the “ok” to sit for the exam.

Prayerfully, all goes well, but I don’t know if I can take 5 months of bad dreams.