#30

And this, my friends, is Post #30. I started a day late, so I’m ending a day late. Never in my blog life have I posted 30 days in a row. Will I do it again? HELL NAW!!! If anything, I think that I’m going back to my 5-post-a-month average. I learned a few things about myself…I’m not a writer. I do not wake up in the morning, yearning to write. I enjoyed writing about my hair progress and my art projects the most but blogging felt like a chore at times. Can you believe that writing about my kid did not make the top 2? Maybe I should’ve lied, but I wonder why that is. Anyway, if I listed “writing a book” as one of my bucket list items, I may need to scratch that off. My life is not interesting enough for me to post daily and I don’t necessarily like detailing everything that I do, on down to every time I take a pi$$. As far as posting my opinions on certain matters, I try to limit that in general. I don’t want anyone to think that I’m coming from some soapbox standpoint. Much like my career, I’m a “Jane of all trades”, master of none. I only speak of things that have ACTUALLY benefitted me or that I’ve been successful at doing. Overall I am still trying to figure out life, much like everyone else, and I’m not always operating on level 10.

At any rate, I appreciated the challenge for all of what I learned about myself. I didn’t announce that I was going to do it, nor did I formally sign up to do it. If I’m supposed to get a cookie for doing it, then I’ll have oatmeal raisin, por favor. I didn’t want to complain about it every time I didn’t “feel” like doing it b/c, well, life is full of choices. If posting everyday was THAT much of a struggle, quitting is always an option. I am not being paid.

I would like to take the time out to thank the few lurkers that were moved to comment a time or 2. Don’t ever think that a blogger is doing you a favor by posting. You are doing them a favor by reading and they should either be appreciative or stick to writing in their own personal journals, period. And as for the regulars that have stopped by and shown me love, encouragement, and support… hopefully, you know that I am always grateful for you…even if we have never formally met.

And now that I’ve finished my Whitney-like award-acceptance speech, I feel moved to speak about something so I’m gonna go with it.

My cuz has been going through a tough time lately and I have been doing all that I can to keep her encouraged. Sometimes, you don’t want someone to preach to you or to put on the whole armor of God and sling Scriptures at you or to start off with, “Well, all you gotta do is…” or worse, sound aggravated that you have yet to solve your own problems. Not everything can be solved in 3 steps or less. A lot of things take time. Sometimes you just want someone to listen without judgment, to sympathize, to empathize, to simply understand. I am fortunate to have friends that are capable of doing this (maybe 2). Well, my cuz said something to me that was oddly familiar…b/c I’ve felt this way. She said:

“I just don’t know how I got here and why things are happening the way that they are. I have a mustard seed of faith and I am trying to hold on to my confession and not give up but when everything is going downhill, it’s hard to stay focused. I still know God has been good to me and he wouldn’t leave me out here all alone. It just bothers me because I know what it is like to struggle. I grew up that way my whole life and then I got to a point where I was fine and didn’t have to worry about anything. I always helped other people, and treated people right and now it feels like I am being punished or something. I know that sounds strange but sometimes I feel that way but I don’t know how I got to this part in my life...”

I had to pause and appreciate her transparency. Many times I have felt this way. I know a lot of people who are currently feeling this way and are deep in the holiday blues…so bluesy that it’s almost black. But sometimes, we like to paint the smiles on our faces and pretend as if everything’s copacetic. Maybe we’re embarrassed about our situations, but if you have never experienced a storm then you have never experienced life.

Let me tell you what I’m guilty of… I am guilty of wondering how someone who I KNOW is the daggone devil on earth can seem to have everything and never experience hardship. And when I wrote that, I was thinking of one person, in particular, who just complained SO daggone much but, IMO, he had it better than most. But then I think, we base a lot of things on money and financial stability and all of the things that we can actually SEE. And if you’re like me, you may even have friends on FB with photo albums of them at “Mar.tha’s Vine.yard” one weekend and then down in Mi.ami the next, cheesing so hard that their face might just crack. Every opportunity is a photo op b/c they want everyone to see just how great their life is. And if it is great, hey, I’m happy too. But all that glitters isn't gold. We have no clue of what a person is dealing with on the inside.

One thing that I have is peace of mind…and THAT is invaluable. Even when I was unemployed, I knew that if things were to get REALLY bad, I still wouldn’t be living on the streets. Worst case scenario, I would be living in New Orle.ans (which wasn’t a bad deal), with my dad (which would have been tolerable), but steadily getting back on my feet. Sure, it would’ve sucked to lose everything that I worked hard for, but I have too many loved ones that were not going to leave me to struggle alone. Well, my cuz has the same in me. I told her to be encouraged that whatever she may be going through is temporary. I remember when I first moved here and was hating life and VA, this very same cuz said, “it’s ok to cry and be upset, but you have to keep moving forward (even when you feel as if you’ve regressed).” Which seems to be the same advice that one of my fave bloggers, Leezie, has said to me time and time again. Only hers is more condensed…I believe that those nuggets of wisdom went like this:

Walk the path.

It’s hard to believe that 4 years ago, I had the clothes on my back and that’s about it. I had loved ones like my cuz that supported and helped me get through one of the deeper struggles of my life. And now, I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I’m a whole lot better off than I was. What I can also say is that NOW, I’m in a position to offer the same support to my cuz, without question. I feel honored to be her shoulder. I have no clue what this is all about, but I DO know that this isn’t for nothing. She WILL come away with something…maybe even more than she bargained for.

I hope that helps someone else and if that someone is only me, then that’s cool too. Now, I’m off to take a blog breather, for maybe a week or 2.

In the meantime, be encouraged.