reunited

His last words to me...

"When I called and you didn't answer the phone, I was torn. I needed to see you. I didn't know if I were doing the right thing."

This would've been a touching moment on the Youn.g and the Rest.less had this...I dunno...not been him.

A couple of days before this incident, my girlfriend (a mutual friend of ours) called me. I remember the crack in her voice as if this conversation took place yesterday. I was bracing myself, thinking that she was about to tell me that someone in her family had died.

No.

"I just called to tell you that...**deep breath**...Wacko proposed to his ex-girlfriend the other night."

"Wacko?"

"Yeah."

"Really? Wacko???"

"Yeah."

"The Wacko that I'M dating???"

**Sigh** "Yeah."

I couldn't say anything as I tried to process all of this. Where in da hell did this "ex" come from? We hadn't been dating that long so my feelings weren't so invested that I was heartbroken, but my ego had just experienced a blow similar to the ones that only Mike Ty.son could deliver back in his hayday. My girlfriend was so apologetic that it embarrassed me. I was confused, humiliated, and angry.

But I didn't call and cuss him out. I decided that I'd just disappear. I obviously didn't mean much to him so this should've been an easy feat.

That night when Wacko was so "torn", he called me about 3-4 times, but left no messages.

I was holding strong.

Then my mind started playing tricks on me...I started seeing things. I thought that I spotted his car in my neighborhood but I convinced myself that it couldn't have been him since he lived a good 35 minutes away. He had no reason to be on my side of town.

Not more than a day later, I caved from curiosity and answered the phone. He called me from the barbershop and talked to me as if nothing had happened. I held the receiver with pursed lips...waiting on his formal confession. He asked to come over. I was in more disbelief of his gall than his actual proposal. I decided to interrupt his nonsense and get straight to the point.

"So, at no point did you think it would be important to let me know that you were seriously dating your ex."

"I haven't been dating her."

"That's interesting b/c word on the street is that you proposed. Is that not true?"

**Silence**

"Well, she just came back into the picture."

"Is that right?"

"When I called and you didn't answer the phone, I was torn. I needed to see you. I didn't know if I were doing the right thing."

"I guess the translation for that is you were trying to see if you could screw me one last time. Have you been riding around my neighborhood?"

"I've been over there a few times."

I was shocked that he actually admitted it. And that's when I felt the hurt sneak up on me. So much so, that I had to end the call before the first tear drop. I broke out the black balloons and confetti and threw myself a pity party. Later on, my girlfriend found out that the "ex" was pregnant. I don't know if she thought that this was going to make me feel better or to help me make sense of it all. I didn't necessarily need to know that there could've been a week when he slept with me one night and then was in her bed the next.

Truth be told, if we didn't have a mutual friend I may not have been as strong as I was. I felt that although he treated me as if I were a fool, I had to prove (to my g/f and to myself) that I wasn't. I had to act as if I didn't care when it was tearing me up inside.

That was over 6 years ago.

While looking through my g/f's photo album on FB the other night, I was reunited with Wacko's face, cheek to cheek with his "ex"-turned-wife. They appeared to be so happy.

I can't say that any strong feelings (bad or otherwise) came back to me being that so much time has passed. I just wondered how fair is it for him to be happily married. I want to be "happily married". Not to him...as I do recognize that I was spared. But how is it that something that seems so elusive for me is available to those less deserving of happiness, period?

And then I think, who am I to decide who deserves anything when I have certainly been the recipient of things that I didn't feel as if I deserved (both good and bad). If God were to grant me things based on when I deserved them, then maybe I wouldn't be sitting where I am now. I have to remind myself of this whenever I feel short-changed by God. It doesn't always make me feel better, but maybe one day, my feelings will catch up with my mind.