update

So, from the pics of the baptism, it is obvious that I HAD to speak to my dad again sometime, right?

Thanks to everyone that read and commented on the "dear daddy" post. I go through these phases while blogging. If I write something random, funny, or shallow, I don't think twice about it. But when I write about something that's close to my heart or close to my hurt, I feel too exposed. Oftentimes, I don't come near my blog. I take a mini-break to regroup and write something surficial to balance out the blog vibes and to keep me from deleting the post.

But back on topic, I didn't stay in the N.O. long. The first day, I didn't say much to my dad at all. So you can imagine how awkward that is when he was the one that picked me up from the airport. I kept my attention on J, which was easy b/c he was trying to condense his whole summer into a 30 minute conversation. Aside from the car ride, I kept my distance and I could sense that he was keeping his. I got the impression that he didn't know what to say to me. My greatest concern was that my stepmother would approach me and want to discuss the letter. She tends to play the peacemaker role.

The day of J's baptism; however, we broke silence. When he spoke to me, he talked slow and chose his words carefully. I guess that's what I wanted even if it looked as if he struggled. When he dropped J and I off at the airport, he unloaded our bags out of the truck and bent down to kiss me. I turned my cheek towards him.

Since then, he randomly texts me during the day to tell me that he loves me. That should probably make me feel good; but honestly, it makes me uncomfortable. The first time that he did it, I texted a girlfriend to ask if it were possible to tell when someone is sending a text to multiple numbers. It's sad to think that it's so foreign for my own father to tell me that he loves me that I have to investigate why he's telling me that. It's hard. When you don't hear those words spoken growing up, the response "I love you too" doesn't exactly roll off my tongue with ease. Especially when someone's words doesn't match up with their actions, it lacks authenticity. My girlfriend kept telling me to give my father the benefit of the doubt. I did, but I didn't tell him that I loved him back.

The texts became more frequent. And then there was one about him valuing me as his daughter. That one threw me for a loop. I honestly thought that my stepmother was either telling him what to say or even typing it for him.

My heart is so hardened that I don't know what to do. We can talk about football, J, the weather, the price of gas, but verbally expressing affection makes me physically feel some kind of way. I see he's making an effort, at least. And I'm sure that this is what I wanted, but why do I need more time? I guess that I'm waiting on him to turn back to the regularly scheduled program.