clueless

Me and this blog **smh**...anyway, I figured that now was as good a time as any to update. I'll probably be up for the next couple of hours so I have time to write while doing laundry/packing for my trip to Chicago.

This evening, I had dinner with my former professor/mentor, who happened to be in town for a speaking engagement. His brother is my version of Mr. Bi.g, since over the course of the past decade, we have continued this cycle of losing touch and reuniting.

Anyway, we went to this hole-in-the-wall spot, where I proceeded to have the worst version of shrimp and grits ever as we discussed our families and professional endeavors. Incidentally, my company had a meeting today, announcing that we would not receive bonuses this year b/c of some economy-related blah, blah, blah. I sat at that meeting, shaking my head. Last year, I had a meeting and was laid off right AFTER I returned from vacation and here I am about to leave tomorrow and then this mess is dropped in my lap.

I went to the Director of my department and expressed my concern. He assured me that that was the only consequence of the economy and that they've already seen a turnaround and predict that 2011 will be better than ever. I just had a great performance evaluation last week, so I should feel secure, right?

Nope. I had great reviews at the last job. I told my mentor what went down and he suggested that I strike out on my own. As I'm adding up the cost of freedom, it just doesn't seem worthy enough to entertain right now. If I should get displaced AGAIN, the message that I receive is that God must want me to be a housewife and marry rich.

I think that I'm at a period of my life where the things that I thought that I wanted are not as savory as they once were. Everything seems to be up in the air. I'm having second thoughts about moving back home; yet, as I said goodbye to J this past Sunday for the summer, I wondered how many more summers can I take like this. During the school year, I felt overwhelmed with his activities, but now that he's gone, I can't even focus on what I want to do for myself. I told my "friend" back in December that I thought it was pointless to pursue anything romantic; yet, when I imagine him potentially flirting with other women, I become pissed off without any right. I then have an argument with myself for being both selfish and wishy-washy and drop off from communication b/c I can't seem to stand firm on what I want...or don't want. And now my career...I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I wanted that license to have the option for entrepreneurship, but now I'm cowering in a corner just at the mere mention of it.

How did I get here? I always have these 5-year plans in place, but now...I don't know what the hell is going on.

I guess that I have this summer to "find myself"...to heed divine direction...to read blogs, lol.

To start, I guess that I should finish packing. I'll be hanging with my girls in Chicago, enjoying "The Taste". One of them keeps beefing up our itinerary...one event, a "purity" dinner. I don't know what in the hell that is, but I'm sure that it'll make for an interesting blog post once I return.