the deal

OK so...overall, the interview went well. HOWEVER, I have MANY concerns.

The Plus(es)

The firm is owned by a sista. It's a small firm in DC, right around the corner from the White Hous.e...I could be brunchin' it up with Michelle O. and everythang! The lady even mentioned that its her goal for all of us to meet the President. Although it is not my plan to live in DC, the change of scenery and potential excites me.

It's in my field, but it seems that the projects would be much easier than the type of commercial design that I was doing before. The firm specializes in "green design" which was something that I wanted to be more involved with b/c I want to be at the forefront of this whole green movement. She was saying all the right things...she wants to put me in Project Management courses so that I can get my feet wet in that area and she wants me to train under a new software package (that my former employer didn't even want me to touch). In other words, it seems that she wants to invest in building me up and is not trying to hold me back.

PLUS, and here's the BIG PLUS...this woman is from Bat.on Rou.ge and is trying to build up an office down there! She asked if I could travel and help her to get that office off the ground, requiring travel to BR 2-3 months at a time. (BR is an hour and a half away from New Or.leans). I explained to her that I could only do that during the summer b/c I'm a single mom and J usually spends the summers with my dad. Otherwise, I have school to be concerned about. She said that that may work. She even said that she likes to get a group from the office together to go to the Bay.ou Class.ic during Thank.sgiving. My mouth literally dropped! When I said that I wanted to be able to go back home more often, this is not what I had in mind, but would certainly work for me! I mean, it just seems as if this job is tailored for me, BUT...

The Minus(es)

Pay and benefits. I didn't think that we would discuss salary, but it came up. I gave her a number to account for the increased cost of living. She looked up in the air and had to think about it. Hmmm...and then she asked me about benefits. I'm used to my health insurance being paid, my 401K being matched, and 3 weeks of leave (annual, sick, and personal). She said, "People don't really get sick around here." And as far as annual leave, she said that they usually get the week off for Christmas. I'm hoping that I missed something. I have worked for a small firm before and I swear that I only had 3 days off a year, not including holidays. She said that she's flexible, but I'm not so sure. She understands that I'm a single mother (she should b/c her 2 y/o was present during my interview, trying to rip up my resume). Then there's the matter of making a move to be closer to the office, renting out my house, finding a new (GOOD) school for J, etc. What if after I do all that, the firm runs out of work?

She said that I should hear back from her within 2 weeks and she also said that she wants me to start when a project begins in a month...I mean, it sounds like she all but offered me the job, but I feel somewhat uneasy. It seems like a great experience, but I refuse to starve over a great experience.

I'll be researching and waiting for her to call, but I'll also keep looking in the meantime. Who knows...she may surprise me.

Any thoughts?

is DC for me?

At first, I was worried about jinxing myself but then I came to my senses...what God has for me is FOR ME. I have an interview with a firm in DC on Thursday. I am so excited and nervous all at the same time. My former professor came through for me and sent my resume out to the lady that called today. She said that she was just thinking about hiring a person with my experience and then, lo and behold, my former professor popped up in her inbox.

I called Navy and told him about the potential opportunity and now we're both hype. A move to DC will present some challenges, but I'm just going to continue to believe that God will provide. I'm not about to put the cart before the horse, nor am I calling my dad to tell him about this. We shall see if this is FOR ME first.

If you believe in the power of prayer and you've grown to kinda like me and J on blog (lol), please put us in them. we can never have too much.

still a salty bum

Not.in.a.good.mood.today. It happens. The general consensus is that everyone is so elated to be OFF today and here I am, aggravated that I have been OFF since April 30th. I spent everyone else's OFF day revising cover letters, emailing resumes, and catching up on weekly unemployment claims. I received my severance...whippty-friggin-do. I know, I know...this is all a process. I'm just tired. I want to be able to say TGIF, wish someone a Happy Hump Day, or enjoy a holiday. It just seems that I am more on the grind as an unemployed person than I am as an employed one. I know that this is only temporary, but that doesn't take away my mood swings. And it seems that no one can lay me off from being human.

On a brighter note, here's the End-of-the-Week Wrap-up..

J made his acting debut on Thursday. Now, when he would say, "I gotta memorize my lines," I always thought that he was on some "Den.zel trip" and he probably only had one line and was standing off to the side somewhere. This lil dude had a major part and did well...that is, when he wasn't lipsync'ing the songs (a practice often recognized when he was in the children's choir at church). Other kids were coming up to him afterwards and saying how they liked his character. He was so proud of himself and I was beaming too. He got a trophy...you would've thought that it was an Os.car. He told me that he wanted to do this again next year. That's great...now, if someone would love to tell me how next year is going to roll, I will be a happy camper. These extracurriculars ain't cheap.

We had a casting party afterwards, but then I had to rush J to his little league game. This was his last game before the playoffs. After the team's first win, the coach admitted to never having won a game before. Fast-forward to the end of the season, the Astros are ranked #1 in the playoffs. After they won AGAIN on Thursday, these little people were excited! J had a long day and was extremely tired by the end of it...after his breakthrough performance and all. But there was more to do...I had to drive to Balti.more that night for my best girlfriend's (from high school) graduation on Friday morning from John.s Hop.kins.

I am a slight germaphobe, so I don't like hotels. My girl had rented out some rooms at the Econ.olodge and I tried my best to "swallow my saddity" for one night only. Didn't happen. There was something nasty on my pillow, the bathroom looked a hot mess, and I contemplated sleeping in my car. Luckily, I made it through the night without being assaulted by some 4-legged creature. But best believe that I was the first one with my bags in the car, 'ret ta go. But despite the accomodations and the heat, I am happy that I got to see my DAWG walk across the stage that next morning. As I told her, I am too unemployed and too close in proximity to NOT go. It would have been all good had my girl's sis-in-law not try to pimp me out to the other guy friend that was there. As I told her, I need to figure out this job situation first before I can concentrate on anything else.

Afterwards, we went to Philip's in DC for lunch. I have applied for jobs in DC, but after driving around the area, I think that I'm certain that I don't want to make that move. Someone once said that I needed a personal assistant. Apparently, I need a chauffer as well. I had already gotten lost in B-more and then I got lost AGAIN in DC. Anyway, Navy met up with the crew at the restaurant and all was right with my world. Well actually, I had some crawfish, clams, and crabs so all was DEFINITELY right with my world. It WAS good seeing Navy though and to personally congratulate him for getting into medical school. It seems like it was just yesterday when we graduated from TU in engin.eering...wondering what in the hell we were going to do with our degrees, lol.

With a full belly and serious headache, I toured my girl's new crib in northern VA (to which she wants me to help decorate). She's pushing me to go into interior design (which wasn't the first time that I heard that), but I don't know if I can make such a career transition at THIS time. But I will most definitely help her spend HER money and bring to life her blank canvas...I ain't got shyt else to do, right?

Happy Mem.orial Day, employed people.

lunch from hell

I believe that I mentioned before, on here, that I was the treasurer of a professional org that I belong to...well, I was officially elected today. We had a lunch mtg at some country club (that I didn't REALLY want to go to), but I thought that it would be best for me to, at the least, show my face. Besides, this was our last mtg until September.

What I didn't bank on was that my old supervisor and a couple of former coworkers (including Golden Boy) would be at this mtg too. Normally, I was either one of 2 or the only one in attendance, repping my former employer. When I walked in and saw GB, I immediately looked up and asked, "God, why dost thou test me???"

You might recall that when I was "let go", I walked out without saying anything to anybody and refused to answer phone calls with my former employer's number plastered across my Caller ID.

I tried to sit at another table, but when the coworker that I actually liked (an older Russian lady that AGAIN...wanted to be like a mom to me) called me across the room, I couldn't ignore her just b/c I didn't want to breathe in the same air as that prick.

Prick: Hey! I really missed you.

I think that I threw up in my mouth a little. Ms. Russia kept asking me if I had any luck with the job search and even though I said "no", in both english and spanish, she didn't leave me alone about it. I mean, I didn't want to talk about it. I just wanted to be left alone and enjoy my fabulous meal...which WAS fabulous, btw. And then lunch hit an all-time high, when my ex-supervisor came in late and sat next to Ms. Russia. He could barely look me in my eye...he just waved. I wonder WHY?

This is the same man that invited me to mtgs that didn't include Ms. Russia b/c he said that he saw me as a leader and didn't see the same quality in Ms. Russia. That was just bullshyt talk apparently. I feel like somebody (that I really cared about) just broke up with me for no good reason.

After the presentation was over, former supervisor was hanging around to talk to me afterwards. I just kept occupied with the outgoing treasurer's duties and didn't even acknowledge that he was there. I can't keep running from these people forever, but how much can a broad take???

I'm still hurt.

b*tch puhleeze

Scene: Post-graduation cookout at my lil "play sis'" house. Sitting at a table with J, enjoying some bbq and baked beans, when 4 dudes walk up with their plates. Two of them sit at the table.

Me: How ya'll doin'?

A: We're good. And you? **Spying J's As.tros uniform** Hey lil man, that's a cool shirt that you have on. Where'd you get that from?

**J looks confused and its almost as if he's wondering why this man is even talking to him**

Me: That's his little league uniform.

A: Oh ok. What's your name, man?"

**J still looks confused and almost annoyed that this man would address him yet again**

J: **giving more attention to his food** J

Me: Are ya'll fellow graduates?

A: Oh no! This is our friend's aunt's house. What's your name?

Me: I'm **insert gub'ment name here**.

A: Nice to meet you. I'm A.

Me: I can remember that. **Looking in the direction of the dude sitting next to him** And you are?

T: I'm T.

Me: Nice to meet you. **Glancing up towards the direction of the dude standing behind the table with his plate, posted up in the corner**

S: I'm S. And that dude right there is K, he's the graduate's cousin.

Me: Oh ok, I got it.

A: So what's your sign?

**Wondering if this dude was giving me a little rhythm...not really my type but favors Kan.ye, so if it came down to it...**

Me: Gemini.

A: Oh yeeah my boy is a gemini...ya'll are good people...characters even, but don't get on ya'lls bad side. Do you stay 'round here?

Me: Yeah, actually I was walking down the street and heard some music playing, so I decided that I'd just crash. I mean, there's a nicely mixed crowd here. I was sure that I'd go unnoticed.

A: Got jokes, hunh? How old are you?

J: 30.

Me: You got one more time to shout my age like that. I'm gonna knock you out.

A: **laughing** I wouldn't have ever guessed that.

**That dude, A, throws me a grin and I was just CERTAIN that he was feeling me**

K: Yeah, you look my age and I'm 24.

Me: Well...**motioning for him to keep coming hard with the compliments** I DO take care of myself **my inner self just burst into laughter**

A: Yeah, you look good for your age.

Me: Well dang, I'm 30, not 60. I am happy to be 30, but I don't believe that 30 is a "you look good for your age" year.

**T scoops some of A's baked beans off of his plate**

A: I'm 31. My grandmomma used to say that a lady never tells her age and technically, you never told us. I like that. I could already tell that you were a true lady.

**flirting, much?**

J: **bored** Mommy, can I go play with the balloons?

Me: Yeah, baby.

**J walks away**

A: I can tell that he's spoiled.

Me: I don't know about that.

**S, now finished with his plate, lunges towards A's hot dog**

Me: **amazed by the fact that these dudes eat after each other...especially, when I don't make it a habit to eat after J** Ya'll sure are close, hunh? Not too long ago, ya boy ate some of your beans and now this dude is all up in yo' plate too.

A: Oh, this hea **motioning towards T** is my boo boo. He can have anything that he wants.

Me: **DEAD** Say what now?

A: Girl, you didn't know I was gay??? You need to get up on your gaydar...stick with me.

Me: **Lookin' back up at S** Are you in that number too?

S: **Shakes his head** Yes. **the DJ starts mixing and we hear, "...it's time for the percu.lator..."** Oooooo, and THAT'S my jam.

Me: **laughing HARD** Lawd, I'm gon' get me another drank.

**pimp down, LMAO**

save me...

...from myself. I dropped my baby off at school with...dare I say...**gulp** rollers in my hair. Yes, yes...somebody needs to take my player's card away fast b/c I've become one of dem! J just laughed...uncontrollably even...when I came downstairs with keys in my hand. Had it been my mom, I would've clowned the shyt outta her so she'd know not to embarass me like that again. And wouldn't you know that there were more cars on the roads this morning than any other morning this week. God's punishment. I only had time to roll it and now I'm sitting under a hairdryer, trying to get ready for my lil "play sista's" college graduation. I'm also snack mom for J's little league game tonight but I wasn't about to run in Tar.get looking like "who shot John." Hopefully, I'll turn my swagga back on by 10 am.

Happy Friday, employed people!

???

It has now been 2 weeks since I was laid off. I've had my days. The first week felt like a vacation. This week feels like...a vacation.

If only I can get my mind to stop working overtime then I would be in business. I've been trying to revise my 5-year plan...the only issue is, I have no idea where I'm going to end up. I have been jotting down bulletpoints in the event that I stay here in VA or move back home.

I made the mistake of telling my dad that I had a phone interview for a company in Met.airie, a Ne.w Or.leans suburb, and he already has my house rented out, my stuff in storage back home, and has even advised that I take out some insurance on it, in case another hurricane rolls through. I have been in talks with that former professor of mine, who says that he may need my services but has also floated my resume around the N.O. area. I told a girlfriend of mine and she has already picked out J's elementary school and assured me that he can still play little league.

I love my people and I miss them. I would love to reconnect with the scene. It's still a bit sooner than I had planned, but if God decides to lead me there, then all I can do is follow, right? I'm just stuck on my house. I put a lot into it. I cannot imagine leaving it, selling it, or allowing anyone else to live in it.

Mayne, I had to get my grass cut on Sunday. Now, you know that my yard has come a long way! I was lounging in my pink robe when my neighbor's son knocked on my screen door and said that he'd cut my grass for $20. Sheeit, I THREW that money at him before he could change his mind. He was sent from God. I admired my lawn so much that I bought a new garden flag.

I just have so many dreams for this house...so many projects that I'd like to see to an end. I just have to remind myself that if God wants me to move then its on to bigger and better things...I cannot get caught up in one possession.

But I tell you one thing...if I do move back home and catch a glimpse of one of those flying roaches, I'm coming back. Straight.Up. I have not seen a roach in almost 4 years. I am certain that I will stroke out on sight. I don't miss THEM, evacuations, and the stress of having to stay with my dad for a little while.

I have also been debating an MBA. I know that that sounds random and when left to these four walls, I can be pretty random, but I think that I may want to make the transition. I would like a concentration in sustainable design. Going "green" is all the rage and ever since I got my LEED accreditation, I have been interested in that avenue...ya know, that less engineering avenue. But if I do it, I HAVE to sit in somebody's classroom. We'll see where that goes.

And then there's the matter of my PE license. Don't know what I'm going to do about that. I'm reluctant to spend money on that exam right now while I'm still trying to map out my direction. Same as my MBA dream, I need a location first. The exam is only offered in April and October. If I sign up for the one in October, I have to submit all my paperwork in June and I just don't know if all of this madness will be worked out by then.

I hate being in limbo; yet, I'm excited to see what's in store for me.

Do ya'll working people realize how many court shows come on tv throughout the day? And Her.pes commercials are almost every other commercial break? Are people getting sued over spreading that virus b/c I'm trying to figure out the correlation??? Between afterschool care and drama classes, I didn't realize how little time my son actually spends learning at school. Can't they teach them chillen 'til 5??? LOL. Oh,and I live around some hillbillies. I have gotten stuck behind a bus twice this week b/c this barefoot woman took her time to get her child on the bus. Granted, I have no where to be but is it too much to ask for her to move her ass? I mean, seriously. Ugggh. The highlight of my week was when this lady that I used to work with (at the company before this last one) and her daughter surprised me with Dai.ry Qu.een on Moth.er's Day. She tries to be like a mom to me. I heart older women, but I wonder why most of them want to be a mom to me. Do I need THAT much guidance?

Anyway, enjoy ya'lls working days.

hair today, gone tomorrow

I got a story to tell...like to hear it, here it go...

Holy Makeup, Bat.man! Although this was cropped, you can get the gist of how long my hair was back in July 2004. I was on my way to see my baby, Pri.nce, at Essen.ce (one of the best nights of my LIFE) and I HAD to be FIERCE with my "purple passion" eyeshadow. **shudders**

Everything was all good back then. I think that me and Darius had stopped "kicking it"...which, at the time that we were, was good for my hair, skin, and nails, lol. Anyway, I went to Ess.ence all 3 nights that year b/c my g/f's dad had the hook-up in the skybox. THEN, on the night of Fran.kie Bever.ly, I ran into (lawd, I'm gonna have to change this dude's blog name too...let's call him...) Stage, the actor. I believe that we had uh..."caught up" the year before...and in one of my not-so-shiny moments, I lied about it to Darius for no good damn reason. (Hmmm...methinks that this would be a helluva story for me to DRAW OUT on blog...as this has nothing to do with my hair story...aside from, I knew that I was fly when I saw Stage again, b/c I was newly fried dyed, and laid to the side.)

Anyway, some time and a couple of dudes after that, I started dating "ole dude" and ya'll should know about all of our drama by now...or maybe not. My hair started thinning and falling out b/c of it, so I got an asymmetrical bob in an attempt to preserve my sexy and then shortly after that, la Hu.rricane from He.ll happened. Added stress indeed! I then moved in with my cuz in VA. My hair was responding to how I was feeling at the time, so I did this:

(May 2006)

One thing about me...I will not hold on to hair. I will NOT be one of those women walking down the street clinching tight to two strands of hair just so that I can say that it's long. Mayne, my cuz was HOT with me!!! And then I got 3 more piercings in my ears and she was convinced that I needed an intervention. Honestly, I did not want my hair cut THAT short...I went in with a picture and everything, but no dice. I've had it cut that short before in college, but I didn't have "Navy" across campus to give me a shape-up when I needed it...for my favorite price of uh...free. This woman chopped me up and there was nothing that I could do about it. So I was done. Don't get me wrong, I liked it to a certain degree but I'm a minimal upkeep type of girl. I needed it to grow out just a little for my 10 year high school reunion, so that I could somewhat draw less attention to my round, rosy cheeks...or as my dad likes to call it, my Cher.okee cheekbones. And it did:

(Sept. 2006)

Thank God! And I got some highlights to boot! That trip to the stylist was the last time that I allowed anyone to touch my hair for a while. I am VERY picky and perfectly capable of doing my own hair. Roller wraps, highlights, dyes, trims, relaxers, (I even put in my own braids once)etc...I run my own salon out of my house, lol. I am one experimenting broad...plus, I'm just one of those spirits that gets a creative "itch" every now and again. One major reason why I am a do-it-yourself fan is b/c I'm frugal cheap and ever since I moved away, no one can do my hair like Lau.ra could. Roller wraps have always been my claim to fame b/c they would last a week and my curling iron was collecting serious dust. Once I was able to roll the shortest part, my hair started doing the damn thang!

(June 2007)

(Dec. 2007)

(June 2008)

That was taken the night of my 30th birthday and yeah...I don't quite remember posing for that picture, lol. However, I was digging my hair. It got a little bigger after I sweat but I recommend that style when drunken nights and Cu.pid Shuff.les in a bathroom stall (in the midst of spewing chunks) are anticipated. Damn, that was an awesome night! Please don't think that that's a habit.

(Sept. 2008)

(Dec. 2008)

This was after I decided to dye my hair black. And yeah...black hair and a black button-up was black-on-black crime. Not to mention that I like wearing black polish, so me and Goth Girl were looking like two birds of a feather. But rest assured, the black dye will not happen again...as I've mentioned on here before, I am allergic to hair dye. I am convinced that this allergy occurred after I gave birth b/c before, I used to rock almost every color in the rainbow. I could probably survive professionally done highlights, but seeing as how I was bent over for my doc, begging him to give me a shot to stop the madness, I will be one of those women that grays gracefully.

And this is me now. I documented all of this to say that I'm over the whole "Why in the WORLD did you cut off all that pretty hair?" thing. It grows back. I remember posting the initial cut last month to favorable reviews. And the barbers at my son's shop gave it the seal of approval. One of them called it "sassy", so I guess that my style goes with my flippancy. But once again, my cuz was HOT! I think that part of it is b/c my hair surpassed her length when I was growing it out. But as it was continuing to get longer, it was getting thinner and you know me...I DO NOT hold onto hair. I may be sad about it once it hits the floor, but I recover quickly.

So, I have this g/f that has been growing out her perm for the past 2 years and getting it flat-ironed regularly. Her hair is about as long as mine was pre-cut. She wanted me to join her in that journey but I was too timid. Afterall, I have been relaxing my hair every 6-8 weeks since I was 12 y/o and the only thing that I remembered about my natural hair was getting caught in the rain on picture day in the 2nd grade (after my mom spent HOURS on my Shir.ley Tem.ple curls)...and yeah, that picture was not sent out to family. But this g/f would casually mention harass me. I kept it in the back of my mind. Finally, after talking to other people, I decided to do the transition.

And let's be clear, I'm not doing it b/c I am rejecting the image of the white woman or whatever foolishness that some people try to slam down your throat. I just want to try something different and see if my hair becomes thicker in the process. I'm only 2 months in and I have to admit, I'll find any reason to slap something on my roots...got a wave or 2, time for a relaxer...lost my job, time for a relaxer...is THAT a hangnail?, time for a relaxer...I could sure use some sex tonight, maybe I'll put in a relaxer instead. Combing my hair out after a roller wrap WAS rather orgasmic for me, lol. I don't know if ya'll remember "Jhe.ri Cu.rl" from "Holl.ywood Shuff.le"...LMAO...it's that bad.

But I'm hanging tough with my support group while in transition. I have to, b/c I told my cuz about it recently and guess what? She's HOT! I even mentioned that I'm considering locks after I turn 40 y/o and she was about to swoon and faint. She had a whole Dr. Ph.il moment with me and said that b/c I couldn't control my job situation that I'm taking it out on my hair or that my hair is the only thing that I can control...I dunno, I think that it went something like that in between my giggling to myself (you wouldn't believe that she's my age, would you?). Now, my considering another tattoo may have something to do with my "acting out", but not this. To be a (soon-to-be) Pastor's wife, I often question what she worships, lol.

love jones part tres

Last time, on a VERY Special Episode of Crooked Letter, I...

The Next Day

"Ti ti...how come you didn't go to church with us?" I open my eyes to see my niece all "purtied" up. I look at the time. Sunday was to be just as packed as Saturday b/c I was supposed to hang out with a former college professor of mine (I know that that sounds weird but he kept me in school) and one of my girlfriends was throwing a bday crawfish boil. So if I were going to hang with Darius, then I needed to squeeze him in after hanging with my professor and before the crawfish boil.

And I was going to make it happen b/c I decided that I wanted more than a snoball.

And Now...

I wasted no time. I changed the TV channel to Spon.ge Bob and my niece was satisfied with whatever answer THAT was, lol. Fumbled around in my purse for my cell and scrolled to Darius' number.

"Hello."

"Are you awake?"

"Yeah, I'm at practice."

"Cool, when will that be over?"

"Maybe around 2."

"That's kinda tight for me, but it just might work."

"Why, whatchu got to do?!" he says with attitude.

"Arruh is having a crawfish boil," I say to confirm that I'm as important as I think I am!

"I wasn't invited."

"It ain't my party."

"Un hunh...well, I'll holla atchu when we're done."

"A'ight."

Later...

I walked to Darius' car as he pretended to be occupied with something...anything, lint on the dashboard, who knows? Maybe he thought that we were 17 again and that my dad was eyeing him from the front door. For the record, my dad was laid up on the recliner with a mask on his face, complaining about picking up some Mex.icans and then feeling as if he had the swi.ne flu. The mask was so that he didn't spread it to the rest of us.

**Blink, Blink**

Nothing to do with the story, just goes to show that my sanity never had a chance in this world.

I felt cute. I wore my yellow dress, which showed off my newly bronzed body nicely. Actually, I wore the dress for the party, but I don't have to say why women wear dresses/skirts in case "something" goes down, right?

"So, I'm proud of you. You most certainly have a way of commanding the crowds attention. It was an honor to witness that last night...except for that whole thing with the poem. Plus, I love seeing all of my people in one spot," I say that while simultaneously thinking how pitiful that sounds, lol. I guess you never know how much you appreciate black people until you're away from them. "I really liked the vibe in there, especially since I'm not a club person.

"Yeah, the crowd has been growing steadily. We do like to market ourselves as the non-club. You can be a part of that too if you move back home."

"Oh, here we go again. I may be down for the movement, but I don't know about the move. I have a life in VA. My son has a life there. My house is there. And my job...well, I don't really know what's going to come of that."

"But it's not like you're gonna find NO MAN there!"

Stop, pause...that just knocked the wind out of me, double negative and all. In my mind, I heard Flav.or Flav say, "Wooooooooooooowwwwwww." That mess just came out of nowhere. I mean, seriously. Is that my lot in life? Is that every woman's lot in life? I know that he meant no harm by it but I was kinda thrown. And that's when "ya girl" started "drying up", lol.

"You say that as if I'm going to find a man HERE!"

Silence.

Normally, I would love to dish a one-liner and have the last word, but not on this matter. So, I decided to change the subject.

"Whatever happened to that t-shirt company that you started?"

"Oh, that's done."

"OK, what's going on with that book you wrote? Although some parts of it went over my head and I needed Cliff Notes for others, the manuscript was good."

"Yeah, I gave it to 2 of my boys and I wanted them to look over it, but they're busy with families and law school so they hadn't gotten to it yet."

Thinking on how he sent the manuscript to me right before my birthday last year and realizing that almost a year had passed since he was last excited about it, I remembered him. I remembered how Darius can be passionate about things but for a limited time only. Although I believe that his new gig will continue to gain momentum, we're still in 2 different places. There's a little more to it, but I'm not going to put him out there like that.

So you say, why should you care if you were just trying to "hit"?

That morning, I had just finished reading this book with Leezie, called "The List". I'm gonna go on ahead and spoil it for you b/c no one besides Leezie listens to me when I mention/recommend a book anyway. The main character was interested in 2 men: for both men, the feelings were mutual. I fell in love with one of them b/c he was charismatic, talented, spiritual, free, romantic, and not to mention, I pictured Gar.y Dour.dan whenever he was introduced in a chapter. Everything was all good or it would've been, if the main character ignored what she really wanted. Ya see, dude wasn't stable and in order to be, his lifestyle would require a drastic change that would most likely compromise his spirit.

Back in the day, I was able to "catch up' with Darius and not feel "caught up". Now, I don't really trust that I can walk away as easily. And then I'd be doubly-pissed b/c he didn't miraculously transform into the kind of man that I want. Ya know, the kind of guy that I just ain't gon' get in VA, according to Darius...lol. When we first stopped "kicking it", it was cool b/c I didn't have much invested. Fast-forward,

I love Darius...

...too much to get confused about where we stand and where we should remain.

Fin

Audience participation: Have you slept with a friend? Or someone that you knew would be short term gratification? If so, what was the outcome?

love jones part deux

Last time on the "What's Going Down Episode" of Crooked Letter, I...

OK, so I had a girly moment. In the midst of that heart-fluttering crap, the first chick that he introduced came up and hugged me. And just as I was about to start a convo with her, I hear Darius shout...

"LB, since YOU'RE in the spot tonight, I want you to pick any one of my works and I'll perform it right here, right now..."

And Now...

My mind went blank...not to mention all eyes were on me. I have 2 CDs with a bunch of Darius' stuff on it and which piece do I remember? Nar'y one. So, I say in front of all of these people...

"What was the name of the one that you did for me the other time that I visited?"

And then my girl reminded me of the name of the poem that grossed her the hell out the last time that we heard it. And so it was...thrown out there like a trump on an Ace of Hearts in the second play of spades.

"Are you sure? I mean, some of my kids are in here (the high schoolers that he coaches)."

The crowd wanted to hear the poem and without much hesitation Darius, the people's champion that he is, gave the people what they wanted.

He starts reciting the poem and, at that moment, I felt the crawfish bread, strawberry lemonade, Plu.m Street snoballs, and all the bread pudding that I had eaten at the Fest that day mix angrily in my stomach. My girl (mind you, she helped me to remember the name of the poem in the first place) starts giving me the eyes of death, while I hang my head in shame. I couldn't even hear half of it b/c I kept repeating the word "f*ck" in my head.

"...you grind out sex on my pelvis with your hips...I cum so hard..."

Yeah, I heard that part...and so did the high schoolers in the house that night. Some of their eyes were so stretched that they almost popped out the sockets and rolled onto the floor. Then I got mad...da hell these damn chirren in here for??? The women were fanning themselves as if we were sitting in church, reading from the Book of Orgasms. His boys were dapping each other and grinning so hard that they were able to lick their own earlobes. It was crazy.

And then he had finally finished screwing me in front of everyone and it was over. Thunderous applause and by the looks on the kids faces, Mr. Darius was going to hear about this night on Monday.

Darius, oozing charisma, manages to slip behind me and massages my shoulders. He whispers,

"You wanted it."

Yes, BILLY DEE, Yes!!! If you've been reading me for a minute, you are aware that me and men haven't been mixing too well lately. Laughing at myself...I don't know why I said "lately" as if that's a new occurence. At any rate, I'm not sure if its the way that he rubbed my shoulders or the barotone voice in my ear but "my little girl" wanted to give him some more to write about...give him something that he can feel...a nice, LOOOOONNNNNGGG poem! Reliving through words was not enough. But we hadn't been intimate in years. I say,

"Why in the hell did you put me on the spot like that?"

He grins mischieviously...and I could just whip his ass, that is, if I weren't so damn confused.

"So is that the only poem that you listen to on my CD?" he says.

"No, I couldn't remember the names of any of 'em, INCLUDING that one." I could tell that he needed to be checked.

"Sure," he sips his drink with a smirk and I could just smack him, that is, if I weren't so damn confused, lol.

We are interrupted and he is soon called back to the stage. I listen to a few more artists and then I tap my girl and ask her to come outside and get some air with me. I'm a little shaky at this point b/c I had been awake for 24 hours. I knew that I needed to get home b/c I was two breaths away from collapsing.

Later on, Darius comes outside and we talk. I tell him that I'll call him the next day so that he can pick me up and take me to Rod.ney's (a snoball stand in the east). It was sometime after 1 or 2am and I needed sleep before my impaired judgment took me places that I didn't need to go.

The Next Day

"Ti ti...how come you didn't go to church with us?" I open my eyes to see my niece all "purtied" up. I look at the time. Sunday was to be just as packed as Saturday b/c I was supposed to hang out with a former college professor of mine (I know that that sounds weird but he kept me in school) and one of my girlfriends was throwing a bday crawfish boil. So if I were going to hang with Darius, then I needed to squeeze him in after hanging with my professor and before the crawfish boil.

And I was going to make it happen b/c I decided that I wanted more than a snoball.

To be continued...LMAO!

love jones

So now that I have all this free time on my hands, I guess that I no longer have an excuse to NOT blog, aside from not having anything of substance to say. But I think that I can hold it down, at least, for all of this week.

My weekend was pretty decent. Tee came over with wine and crab rangoons on Saturday...the funny thing is, I ended up counselling her on HER problems and I think that was her goal from the beginning. Foolish me thought that she was trying to make me feel better, but its all good, I needed the break from myself I guess. On Sunday, one of Kat's boys, Mid.night, called me and we joked about them having a Tommy (Maaaaannnnn, you ain't GOT no job) Party. What can I say? It was Sunday, my day off, and I didn't have 'ish to do, LOL. So, I met up with them and we had dinner and played cards. My spades partner had also been laid off, but I sure hope that he steps his game up during his "vacation" b/c I was questioning if running in the rain was worth watching 8's and 9's of diamonds "walk" all night.

Anyway, putting this job/no job hoopla aside for a moment, I'd like to FINALLY talk about my trip back home...or at least, parts of it. So, I knew that my schedule would be tight b/c I had a lot of things that I wanted to do and people to see, but not enough time to do it all. But there is one friend of mine that I will make sure that I holla at...even if I'm only in town for 15 minutes, I will spend 2 of them with him.

Background

I've called him by a different name on blog before, but for the sake of what I'm about to admit (b/c I don't know who's reading), I will refer to him as Darius. So, Darius and I used to go to school together. At that time, a few of my friends had a crush on him, but I didn't like him. Although I didn't know him too well, I could sense his arrogance a mile away. We ended up at the same college and became cool. I was often found at the table where Darius would hold court and where many football players gambled their scholarships away. And then I graduated.

Many years later (post my failed engagement and that whole baby thang), we met again. I don't remember where (maybe the cornerstore) but it was kinda easy for us to run into each other since we lived pretty close. Not sure if it had to do with him or with the fact that I was going through some thangs, but I looked at him lustfully differently. We exchanged numbers and made plans for him to come over that night.

And well...that night was one of a string of times that we...uh..."caught up". He is the only guy that I can...uh..."catch up" with and not FEEL caught up...if you get what I mean.

That eventually ended and then something unheard of happened...we became really good friends afterwards. He is well into the spoken word circuit, so whenever I visit home, I make it my business to peep his latest project.

So once when I visited, he told me that he would do something special for me but I had to check him out at the spot he was frequenting at the time. I went there with my girls (who knew about Darius and I's past, but were just as clueless as I was about the surprise). We listened to a lot of people that night (and honestly, I was about to fall asleep b/c I can be somewhat narcoleptic), but when the host called Darius to the stage, our collective ears perked up.

You know how these "deep" people do it...they can recite "Old McDonald had a farm..." as long as its complete with pregnant pauses and hand motions signifying that what they're saying is the TRUTH! But when Darius started speaking, he held my attention from word one. Why? His poem was extremely explicit and very much about the first night that we spent together. He described everything from walking to my house to uh...running up in "it". So while I was busy being embarrassed as all hell, my girl whispers,

"Say bruh, I really didn't need to know this much about you and I'm 'bout ready to walk out!"

I.was.speechless.

He walks off the stage to MUCH applause, b/c methinks that there was many a pervert in the room...not to mention, the women that were ready to get their stroke on when I was two heartbeats away from strokin' out.

"So....what did you think? Did you like my surprise?"

Now

After a long day at Jazz Fest, getting just as bronzed as I want to be, I was TIRED! I hadn't slept the night before b/c I was afraid that I was going to miss my flight and didn't get a nap between leaving the airport and heading to the fairgrounds to hear Erykah and Rebi.rth. However, I was still determined to catch Darius at his latest spot.

Me and my girl walked in. We listened to a few artists, but it wasn't long before Darius was front and center.

"OK, I have to pause for a moment b/c my peoples are here! I'd like to introduce my best female friend since high school, *****. Say hello to the people, *****. And another friend of mine from high school, *******. And then you have the LOVELY LB! "

OK, so I had a girly moment. In the midst of that heart-fluttering crap, the first chick that he introduced came up and hugged me. And just as I was about to start a convo with her, I hear Darius shout...

"LB, since YOU'RE in the spot tonight, I want you to pick any one of my works and I'll perform it right here, right now..."

To be continued...

the devil is a liar

I interrupt this scheduled blog with...

Management at the "Crooked Letter, I:The Speak Easy Project" proudly presents:

THROWING SHOES AT THE DEVIL



Not quite sure of what tickled me the most...the preacher's "Hail Mary shot", the one-crutch beatdown, or the ultimate purse thrashing ($10 says that "bag lady" was picturing an ex as she was giving that masked mannequin the business). Now, I would've REALLY been impressed if some wigs and tracks were thrown at the devil. Lawd t'day...I'm gonna need ya'll to come and get your peoples.

Sheep.

the aftermath

This morning, I woke up with a bitter taste in my mouth.

Yesterday, I expected to somehow end up in the fetal position, crying while gasping for air. Didn't happen. I guess that I had spent so much time thinking that I had bet' not let anyone see me cry that I kept it up long after I left the office.

I picked up J from drama class and treated us to ice cream treats at Son.ic. I explained to him what happened and he seemed unphased. I then went to his afterschool care and told them that J will no longer ride the bus in the afternoons. They were very understanding but moreso sad to say goodbye to J so soon b/c he's such a sweet kid. He usually leaves in June to spend the summer in New Orlea.ns with PawPaw, but I assured them that this early break was only temporary.

I went back to the office to retrieve the rest of my things and to return my swipe card and garage door opener. I was really on a mission, but when J saw Tee, he stopped to tell her hi...which meant that I was going to have to actually talk about what happened. The first thing that she said was, "Does this mean that you're going back to New Orle.ans? You can't go back to New Orle.ans." That seems to be the greatest concern of the friends that I made here. It hadn't been 24 hours yet, so a decision like that hadn't been made.

She said that my new (I guess "former") supervisor expressed that out of everyone that he had to let go, he felt physically ill when he had to break the bad news to me.

I was not moved. It was most definitely personal and a strategic move on their part. Not b/c I am difficult to work with or b/c I don't do good work...or their excuse of not being able to afford me. When I say "strategic", I don't even mean that they decided to lay me off b/c of the financial challenges of the company...that was only part of it, b/c in the end, they had to make a choice.

Tee said that their Golden Boy, the prick, called her and asked her for my cell phone number b/c he didn't get a chance to say "goodbye". He just won't STOP! He called me at my house earlier in the day and I didn't answer the phone. He couldn't even leave a message b/c my inbox was full. Thank God! He then told her that he knows that I hate him and just wanted to talk to me.

WTF for?? What's done is done...he can now blow kisses to some other woman across the meeting room table. And I hope that she hops onto said table and proceeds to stomp him in his nuts! Have I said that in a blog already? If so, it was worth repeating.

I went to my desk and gathered all of my pictures, books, prints, and my "Mr. Rogers" sweater used for when they had the thermostat set on "January in the north pole." I ran into the P.E. that signed my drawings (one of the guys that I actually liked) and he helped me pack and carry my things to the car...while J played with my hard hat without a care in the world.

Once I got home, my phone line was inundated with calls. With every answer, I received, "Well, you sound really good." Yep, I hadn't quite fallen into a drunken stupor just yet, I guess.

I got a good night's rest, but...

This morning, I woke up with a bitter taste in my mouth. I'm hurt, I'm ANGRY, but one thing that I'm NOT is worried about my future.

I cannot count how many times I've seen the office number show up on my called ID today. I haven't answered b/c (1) I'm not sure if its Golden Boy on the other end and (2) if it isn't GB, I'm still not in the mood to speak with anyone there. I cleaned out my voicemail so that whoever can leave a message.

It felt weird driving through the drop-off loop at my son's school without being in a rush. It felt even weirder coming back home immediately after. Heck, it feels weirdest to be able to type a blog during working hours!

At any rate, I have filed for unemployment. I then emailed the President of the professional organization that I belong to and let him know what happened...I knew that I was led to nominate myself for treasurer of this organization for a reason. He said that he'd be happy to help me with anything that I needed and gave me a good lead. As did one engineer who called me to tell me that I did great work and he wanted to put me in contact with someone at a firm that he knew would be a good fit for me.

So it's been another day...and soon to be another dollar...