big chop drama

So, let me s'plain what happened. Last month, I wrote this about my transition to natural hair. My original plan was to wait until this time, next YEAR to chop off the remainder of my permed ends. In my mind, my head was too big to carry off a short afro. Before I even jump into that, I have to credit S23 for giving me that final push to attempt this transition in the first place. I have, at least, 2 other friends that tried to get me to join their bandwagon...so I guess they planted the seed and S23 watered it (more like, she harassed the hell out of it, lol). And I kind of not-so-secretly stalked Kelly when she would write about her natural hair. I told S23 that I would do it, but I figured that I would crack and give in after a few months. I knew how badly my hair reacted to not getting a "touch up" in a timely manner and how frustrated I got at the sight of my naps, protruding from my scalp.

I didn't want to have a heart attack everytime I washed my hair and saw a small Chi.a pet in my comb, so I went and did this. I was happy with that style...until I went home to the N.O. Mayne, I was curling everyday and trying to gel my roots to combat the humidity. Inevitably, the humidity won. Shortly after I returned to the Comm.onwealth, I bought a flat iron. I decided that I was going to straighten my roots and match the textures until I felt comfortable enough to chop the rest of my chemically straightened hair off. However, I THEN decided that I wasn't going to apply direct heat anymore and risk damaging my curl pattern. And THAT'S when all hell broke loose, lol.

I tried all of the nautral hairstyles...twist-outs, braid-outs, bantu-knot outs. Nothing looked great with my straight ends, in my opinion. The only style that I liked was setting my hair on rods, which gave the illusion of a curly 'fro. It also blended the 2 textures well. I became addicted to hair blogs and youtube videos and learned how to take care of my natural hair. I got on a new hair care regimen to condition my hair at least 3 times a week, wash and DEEP condition, at least once a week. Well, this process was becoming a little too lengthy (for my taste) since I decided that my staple style was a rod set. It takes me 45 minutes to an hour to set my hair and then another hour to sit under the hairdryer (if I'm not letting it air dry). And for someone who likes everything to "be easy", I needed another option.

So, my birthday was coming up. Originally, I didn't want to do anything. I wasn't really in the mood to celebrate, so the original intention was to turn 31 quietly and be done with it. When I talked to Tee, she wasn't having it and offered to plan a small dinner at her house. I cut down my guest list from last year, b/c quite frankly, I didn't want to look at all those people. Now that I had something to do, I had to plan my look. I had my dress for a minute...the real challenge was to figure out what to do with my hair. I went to Michae.l's and bought some fake flowers that matched my dress. I was going to clip one in my hair and have my spiral curls flowing over the flower.

While setting my hair for the 20-millionth time last week, I got fed up. I was tired of catering to my permed ends. Plus, I was inspired by a you-tuber that only trnasitioned for 2 months, did the big chop, and looked more gorgeous than before. I decided that the hair must come off. Now, I wasn't THAT strong. I had my reservations. In fact, every negative thing that someone had to say about me physically, resurfaced in my mind..."lawd, your eyes are so huge, I bet you can see through me"..."your cheeks have to be the biggest thing on your entire body"...etc. Plus, I don't have the greatest skin in the world. If I cut all of my permed ends off , then what in the world would I hide behind? Guys like long and flowing hair, so would I even be considered attractive anymore?

I called Kat and asked her to help me cut off all of my hair. She was the only friend that I KNEW would help me since she's been rocking a short 'do since I met her. My best girlfriend had just told me that if I decided to do it, then I better get rid of my "tomboy-ish" clothes...I guess there was no need in me looking anymore "butch" than I was going to look. I knew that she didn't really mean any harm, but I got tired of people and their unsolicited opinions from my just MENTIONING that I was going natural. The ONLY opinion that matters is my own. I shouldn't have ever told her what I was going to do anyway, so I decided that she and Kat would be the last 2 people that knew.

Kat came over...and I chickened out. I started to believe the hype and that I WAS crazy. I kept parting my hair and saying that I didn't have enough new growth. Next thing I knew, this chick had my clipped hair in her hand. THEN she said, "Now, we can stop if you want?" LOL. For a second, I hated her. And then I said, "Do it quick before I change my mind." Hair was all over my kitchen floor. She was happily snipping away and when she was done, it was a masterpiece...

I looked like James from "Good Ti.mes." LOL.

But for some reason, I didn't freak out. Kat was clowning me b/c the hair in the back of my head apparently grows faster than the rest and I had a little ducktail a la "Rea.dy for the Wor.ld" and proceeded to start singing "Lo.ve You Dow.n" everytime she touched it. For another second, I hated her...although I was laughing too.

The next day, I called the lady that typically cuts my hair and asked her if she had an opening to give me a quick line and kinda fade it out for me. She cleaned it up and then I put my "fruits and berries" in it, lol. And the rest, as they say, is history! Even my dad got on board and actually said that it looked cute. Someone even asked me if I had a texturizer in it, so perhaps I don't have "bad hair"...as much as I hate that term.

Initially, this decision wasn't much more than trying something different. I'm not that deep and didn't see any sort of spiritual connection nor did it signify a new beginning. Now, after having gotten used to it, I feel something. I believe that I've said repeatedly on here that growing up, certain members of my own fam have always had negative shit to say about me as a child, a reflection of their own insecurities. And I carried them. As an adolescent and a young woman, those insecurities continued to mature. And then I got into these toxic situations with dudes (and I'm thinking of "ole dude" in particular) that did their damndest to try and kill my spirit and make me feel as if I wasn't enough...or if I just did one or two things, then I could make the cut. Building up self-esteem is like establishing good credit...it takes time. Now that I am more than comfortable in my own skin and, at times, a little too confident in who I am (and have been for a while), I cannot even believe that I thought that something so small as hair would place me back at square one.

The results are in: 1 out of 1 person agrees that I don't give a damn about what anyone else thinks. Granted, I've gotten more compliments on my new style than anything (and I thank everyone on here that has given me the thumbs up), but there are still some people that talk to me as if I had just done something to make me fall short of meeting THEIR standards of beauty...or that all I need to do is this and that and the other to be considered attractive TO THEM. Well, this is what I think about that...

The only person that I have to impress is myself. I have to be able to look at myself and like what I see. And honey, I DO! I ADORE every last one of my naps as is...in fact, I'm thinking about naming each and every one of them....curly, larry, moe, lucretia, lamma-lamma-ding-dong, $%*&^, etc... I no longer think that my head is too big. I happen to think that my eyes are my best asset. And now I'm going to flaunt my cheekbones proudly. So at the end of the day, I don't have a problem with me and the only recommendation that I have for you is that you either love me or leave me alone. Period, amen, goodnight, and HOLLA!

I know that a lot of natural heads are focused on acquiring length. I will let my hair grow out, but I'm enjoying where I am now and don't wanna be so focused on where I wish to be that I miss out on where I am. But I'll be tracking my progress at my new fotki account,

HERE.

To those that gave it, thanks for the support! And to those that hate it, keep hating!