snooped doggy dogs

No Limit's last comment had me giggling all day at work. Whenever I deviated from being in the zone, I started thinking about when I used to "check up" on dudes. My momma always said that if you start lookin' for something, you'll be sure to find it. I guess that's what she was clinging to when she found that my dad hid extra souvenirs in his suitcase from one of our family trips to Chat-town. I also believe that that's what she called to memory when she needed a numerical code to pop the lock to the case, but thought that a butter knife worked better. Yes, she was truly the MacGyver of dysfunctional relationships. I always said that I'd NEVER be like that but nothing beat the "deer caught in head lights" look on my dad's face when my mom said that she drove by some lady's house and saw his car. It was funny seeing him try to stumble out of that one, especially since she hadn't even spent gas to go up to the cornerstore.

So here's the question...have you ever snooped on your man? And if so, what did you do? What did you find?

I think that I was 5 months pregnant when I first got the urge to verify that something was NOT right with J's dad, HLS (Habitual Line Stepper). I had come home from class and then logged onto my computer to check email and play around on the 'net. Does anyone remember "Coll.ege Club?" That used to be the jump off before Black.pla.net and certainly My.space. Well, I went to the webpage and, lo and behold, HLS hadn't logged out. J kicked me so I knew that he was trying to tell me to go through his dad's email and IM history. OK, ok...that is an exaggeration...just the email, lol. And I'll be damned if HLS wasn't talking to some chick like he was the most single man in the world! Then I found out that he knew that broad from school and she wasn't just some random internet harlot. My blood was boiling and I remember calling him IMMEDIATELY and telling him that he better get to the house and make this shyt right b/c I was about to pop J out, whip his a$$, and then resume pregnancy when my desire to beat the breaks off of him subsided. And that's when everything becomes a blur. He cut class and pieced together some tall tale that I swallowed and this marked the beginning of a cycle.

I started checking his voicemail...and that's when I learned of some chick, named Crystal, who just had to tell him via message that her girls don't understand why she likes him but she just had to get that off her chest. I thought that that was kinda funny b/c I couldn't decipher if this woman was setting him up or was young and stupid...lol, she couldn't have been more stupid than me since this dude was "with" me. I started digging in his bags and luckily, I didn't have to break out the trusty butter knife as an alternative to keying a code. I was counting condoms (and when they came up missing he said that it was b/c he loaned some to his boys), glancing at various pieces of paper with numbers scribbled on them (which always belonged to a classmate), and STILL checking voicemail and emails. I was driving myself crazy, but whenever I went looking for something, I most certainly found what I was looking for.

I have been lied to and lied on. I have been on the other side of the phone when a dude's woman discovered me by cell phone bill or text message...have had both pleasant and unpleasant conversations. I have had my life threatened and have had a woman to offer up her man b/c she was done with his cheating and lying.

Now, I'm just tired...and old. Now, it seems that intuition is enough. But in the past, had any of you snooped? Will you admit to it?

contemplations

I am determined to not allow my blog to be the place at which I drop my stank attitude to the floor like today's gym bag, lol. Instead, I'll just discuss a few things that I have been contemplating over the past few weeks...

Oh, here's a pic of me and Navy...not my fave, but it will have to do. I get nervous about posting my mug on here for some reason, so for those who care to catch a glimpse of my night in DC, you'll have to go one extra step. ;-) Eh, two...my eyes look crazy depending upon the screen size, so please zoom in...thanks bunches.

**Tapping fingers** Things that I have been contemplating...

One

I wonder why I'm still on my.space. It was cool...in the beginning. It's kinda annoying now. The only people on my friend's list are people that I know from school, church, work, bloggers, etc...but they are people that I know. Go figure...I don't even pick up random strangers on the 'net. It's cool to catch up, but then I have some friends that take my.space a little too far. The worst thing Tom could've done was to allow people to change their status. I have this one chick on my list (from high school) who must be going through some bitter breakup, b/c everyday her status is something different.

Monday: High School Chick is tired of playing games.

Tuesday: High School Chick is laughing at all her imitators.

Wednesday: High School Chick is wondering why peeps think she is BooBoo the fool.

Thursday: High School Chick is sad about the way things turned out.

Friday: High School Chick is allowing God to comfort her.

Saturday: High School Chick is cutting off all her hair. New start, new attitude.

Sunday: High School Chick is happy and at peace...with her man.

Rinse and repeat.

Myspace...the new tool to keep manipulate a man.

Two

I have a cold that has been lingering for the past 3 weeks...caused me to miss a week of work. I'm not really sure if I have a sinus infection or some sort of allergy, but the most interesting thing is when you see people and you point to your throat to show them that you've lost your voice...and they still try to hold a conversation with you. That just boggles my mind. It reminds me of when I was in labor with JJ and my dad was standing over me, holding a magazine, and talking to me as if we weren't in a hospital and I wasn't laid up and in pain. I guess that I should be flattered, if bonding with me is THAT important. However, if I sounded like Mar.y J. Blige when I'm hoarse, instead of a muppet, I might be more apt to go that extra mile. Since that ain't the case, keep it moving and I'll holla at you when I can actually HOLLAR.

Three

Why did this boy wake me up at 5 in the morning on Monday? I mentioned this to my email sistas today, but I am perplexed as to why he thinks that standing over me and talking to me while I'm asleep is acceptable behavior. He had the nerve to tell me that since we were BOTH up at 5, we might as well get ready now so that he can get to school REALLY early. Ya know, I could understand this if he were the most studious or attentive child in the class, but this dude brought home to red behavior marks and a healthy sprinkling of yellow this month.

Four

I'm wondering when me and God are going to get on that level again. I know that He's waiting on me...I just need to figure out what it's going to take to get me to stop playing around.

Five

Some people are trying to shed a few extra pounds for the summer...others are trying to get a tan or a six-pack...I'm trying to cut down 7 trees in my front yard to get my grounds ready for weeding and seeding in the fall. So, I got a bootleg to cut down 4 trees, grind their stumps, and haul off the mess and debris for $1000....for those that don't know, considering the height of a tree, that stuff can be expensive. Well, he started last Thursday. Today is Tueday. Why do I only have 3 trees down, stumps still in the ground and the debris stacked up on the edge of my yard? Now, if I had paid him in advance, I would be calling him like a pimp looking for my money. I'm starting to wonder if the work that he's done so far is free. If so, then Christmas has come early this year.

Well, I'm done rambling...I'll hollar when I can actually HOLLAR!

you a soulja, partnah...

So I spent another weekend with Tee (I think that we kick it, on average, every other weekend). Since Leezie has original oldgirls, I think that the Nolia in me is gonna start claiming soldiers...um, excuse me, souljas. And instead of giving out oldgirl cards, I'm gonna start distributing honorary soldier rags...eh, excuse me, SOULJA rags! And with that said, I gots to get something off of my chest, so forgive me for my choice of words or choppiness of this blog in advance.

If there is something that ANY woman can do for me...it would be to LOVE herself. I'm serious...it is critical that we sit down and take an honest inventory of our worth. So what does a woman loving herself have anything to do with me? Not a dayum thing! It just ANGERS me when I hear another woman downing herself or settling for another trashy a$$ man! Don't think that I don't know about low self-esteem and the consequences of it. I do and I'll admit to having HAD low self-esteem. But you know what? I know who I am. I won't even start preaching about how the enemy wants you to NOT know who you are in the kingdom of God b/c as long as you're uncertain of that, you have no clue of what you're capable of conquering. And I'm not about to pretend to be "bad a$$-ier than thou" b/c that attitude irritates me too. Most of the time, all of that loud talk that this so-called "bad-a$$" woman is spittin' is just to convince herself that she's about something. Well, sista, you ARE about something, so you don't have to talk loud to ATTEMPT to prove it. And to the other ones that DON'T speak up AT ALL b/c they don't think that they deserve better, SHAME ON YOU!

Tee and I were having a girl's night Friday night, when she said something that totally disrupted my flow. She spun another tale about a dude dogging a woman...the woman knowing that she was being dogged, but continuing to deal with dude b/c well, in her mind, it's better than nothing. I know dude a little too well, so the Nolia in me wanted to drive through his front door and have him catch my boot with his throat! And as far as the chick was concerned, I was hot behind her thought process. But I think that the reason why I was SO MAD was b/c I saw myself in that situation. And I think that almost EVERY woman with some life experience has been in that situation...and seriously, if you can't lay your "bad $$-ier than thou" attitude to the side to relate to this situation, then this message is not for you...I'm only addressing the REAL women, the REAL souljas! REAL souljas have made mistakes, but instead of wallowing in them or denying them, they have grown from them.

Allow me to take the time to clear up some misconceptions...not having a man does not equate to having nothing! Let's dig a little deeper...not having a man does NOT determine your worth! Why is that such an obvious statement, but so hard for women to believe? Not having a man DOES NOT mean that you're ugly...not having 5 or so men wearing out your cell phone DOES NOT determine your level of attractiveness or lack thereof. It just bothers me b/c I'm wondering when did men become coated in platinum or some rare breed. Can someone help me understand why a woman can have multiple degrees, can hold down a household by herself, can be professionally accomplished, can make a dollar out of 15 cents, can strengthen her community, can set personal goals and exceed them, can stop traffic when she glides down the street, and etc., etc., etc., yet NEED a man to validate her? Can someone help me understand why this same woman downs herself or worse yet, is judged by other women b/c she doesn't have a man or 2 salivating after her, at the moment?

Don't get me wrong...I love men and I'm not suffering from peni$ envy or whatever else, but I'm wondering when did a man become the "end all be all" status symbol. And I came into this world alone, so at what point did a man define who I am? Fugg that! I am so serious...I am sick of witnessing catty foolishness over a trashy a$$ man. I am sick of girlfriends calling me, wanting me to help them figure out where their man's head is at when THEY haven't even nailed down what THEY want or need out of the relationship. I am sick of girlfriends whining about giving their all to said trashy a$$ man when the man absolutely did not deserve what she had to offer, in the first place...AND THEY KNEW THIS! When did we become so desperate that we just give ANY man our number only to duck and dodge him in the long run? I can understand wanting companionship, but DAYUM! C'mon ladies, this is TIRED! I'm not saying that ALL men ain't sh*t! I'm not even really addressing men. I just want women to stand strong! And not that phony stuff either.

One of my close girlfriends was challenged to write 10 good things that she has to offer to a relationship. The idea was that if she sat down and actually wrote 10 good things about herself, then she would price herself out of the mar.ket of men that she was choosing. But what she said blew me away. She said, "I'm scared that if I sit down to write it that I won't be able to come up with 10." I guess that I was supposed to join her in her self-pity. I missed that memo b/c I immediately became pi$$ed off! You mean to tell me that out of all of the 30 years of your existence, you don't think that you can come up with 10 GOOD things?! SHAME ON YOU!

I challenge EVERY woman who reads this to write out 10 good things about themselves...and not that superficial stuff like, "I'm the finest woman on my block," b/c that's just bullsh*t. I'm talkin' 'bout REAL soulja things! Place it in your journal, post it on your blog...hell, post it in my comments, if necessary...just know that you are about SOMETHING! I'll start...

1. I am DANGEROUS with a screwdriver and a hammer.

2. From the loss of my mom to Hurri.cane Katr.ina, I have had a portion of my foundation taken from me twice...but I'm still standing by the grace of God.

3. I am a single mom, raising an up and coming productive member of society.

4. I have an awesome sense of humor.

5. I am an artist at heart. If I put my mind to it, I can paint a picture of something that someone would be willing to pay for.

6. I am stronger than what the last man gave me credit for.

7. Although I haven't been in my discipline for long, I find that I am surpassing those that have been doing what I do for many years.

8. I am financially savvy.

9. I have failed at a few things, but from those experiences, many of my successes were born.

0. I can write this list of good things about myself and make it look easy!

And there it is. Know that you are "fearfully and wonderfully made" and ANY man that YOU choose to date has GOT TO BE worthy of YOU. I'm handing out soulja rags, mommas! Come and get yours!

mack the knife (in my heart)

So I just got home from DC and I had a wonderful time. All the club fanatics out there can have the club scene...as I may have mentioned before that I don't like tight spaces and crowds or being intensely eyed up and down throughout the night. But what I did enjoy IMMENSELY was the play. It was actually better than I thought. Originally, I just wanted to see it b/c Mack was in it, but it was so interesting to actually see him perform. I've seen him in a couple of movies (by accident b/c I try not to see stuff that he's in...it doesn't make sense, I know), but this was much different.

I have to interrupt this report to tell ya'll just how fly I was, lol. I find that I have been pumping myself up a lot lately...not sure if that's a good or a bad thing, but it isn't normally in my nature to constantly tell people that I'm cute. I don't feel as if that's ever necessary b/c I am what I am and I don't need to convince anyone of anything. But last night **moment of silence**, I was on point once again. I had already roller-wrapped my hair early in the morning. I was going to wear a dress that I wore to my 28th birthday dinner, but when I peeped in my closet, I spotted this little black dress...and I mean LITTLE! Honestly, I don't even remember buying this thing b/c I've never worn it. Just as long as it touched my knees, I was in business...and so it did. I slipped on my red heels and was out. The goal was...I didn't plan on sleeping with Mack but dayum if I wasn't going to make him want to rip my clothes off on sight.

I met up with Navy at his boy's spot and as soon as he saw me get out of the car, he was slinging compliments like they were the joker cards at a Spades game. I knew I was good, b/c again, getting compliments outta Navy are hard, but they're starting to lose their value b/c he's been throwing them out a lot at me lately. This is making me wonder things that I don't really want to b/c just like our night at my company's Holiday Party, he was putting his arm around my shoulder or waist or grabbing my hand at random moments in the night. Mayne, this is my twin. He knows how I feel about Mack...hell, he's seen men come and go and knows everything about them, so this is still weird to me. Anyways, we picked up this other chick that he knew and headed for the play.

I was so nervous for some reason...it might have been the DC streets b/c if you're not from there and haven't been there for long, you don't know what the hell is going on with their grid system. We're sitting there in the theater, looking all distinguished, when Navy reads of Mack's accomplishments in the play bill. He suddenly says, "I guess now I can stop hating on him." I gave him the gas face. I didn't know what that was supposed to mean and he didn't care to elaborate too much, so I left it alone. I was just fighting memories of the last time that Mack and I were together and when he walked out on that stage, looking as fine as ever, those memories were the performance that I cared to repeat.

The play was very entertaining and I did learn something new, but I was wondering if I were going to actually go backstage to see him b/c my nerves were kicking in. And all of this strong woman talk that I had in my previous blog felt like it was about to fall to the wayside. Once the play was over, I went up to the stage and watched the actors take pictures and then got one of the actresses on stage to let him know that I was there. This guy came out, confirmed my identity, and then said that he was going to take me backstage. I felt all big-time for some reason...waved to Navy and ole girl and then I was on the move. When he finally finished changing clothes and walked out, I could hardly remember what I was going to say. He hugged me and I wanted to stay right there. We spoke for a minute before he had to meet back up with the cast and crew. I told him that I couldn't talk long b/c my friends were waiting on me. But he held my hand and kept asking me where I was going. I was at the mercy of Navy so I was basically going to go to whatever clubs he had lined up. Mack grabbed my phone and put his number in it and told me to text him when I knew what the deal was. I wondered how long before I would have to delete this number too.

My clothes didn't get ripped off on sight, but I know that he was thinking it, lol. Mission accomplished...I could've driven back to VA right after that and would've been done for the night.

I saw Colo.nel Tay.lor from A Diff.erent Wo.rld...random, I know.

So anyway, we're texting back and forth while I'm in the car with Navy and this is what I learned. Mack was going to hit up the clubs that his boys owned and Navy wasn't interested in going to those clubs...so my chances of catching up with Mack again were slim to a$$ out. We ended up at some club where Bi.z Mar.kie was DJ'ing and I immediately felt clostrophobic. Navy commenced to putting his arm around me at those random times that I mentioned and sponsoring my drinks, so you could forget about any other dude talking to me. I still got the stare down on the low, but he was by my side the whole night. This didn't so much matter and maybe it wasn't on purpose. It wasn't a big deal b/c I wasn't looking to hook up with anyone in DC. But when my phone died, my mood changed b/c that ended my texting. I'm thinking that I still have some sort of feeling for Mack and that perplexed me. My only reset button from my introspection was when Beyonce said, "Drop down low and sweep the floor with it." I realized that I may be getting old-er, but I was able to drop it and get back up...Yep, I still got it.

All in all, I had a good time. I'm glad that I got to see Mack, but I'm a little sad that I'll probably be thinking about him more often than I need to for the time being. Hopefully, he'll think about me from time to time...and how he wanted to rip my clothes off on sight, lol.