crooked letter, I

doing me

2012-01-25T21:30:00.000-05:00

I threw a dart at a board with the different topics that I would write about tonight. My dating life won.

My motto for this year: I am doing me for 2012. So, do you, boo.

How did I get here? Well, without thumbing through my old posts, I'm guessing that the last man that I talked about was the "friend". It's unfortunate the way that ended b/c I still care about him as a person and wish him well. But a few things about our last email exchange put me off and that's that. I'm not a fan of his making unnecessary comments regarding me on twitter, but what can you do. Everyone expresses themselves differently. That's his space, so he can say whatever he wants. Much like I can say whatever I want here. Moving on...

After a very shitty recruiter experience, my girlfriend gives me the contact information for some dude, who wasn't a recruiter, but was connected to many engineers in the N.O. Let's call him R or "Arruh", lol. So me and Arruh start communicating with each other. But when I decided to hold off on looking for a job until this spring, our relationship shifted from talking about local companies to relationships and romance. We decided to hang out when I went back home for my 15 year HS reunion. He was cute, kinda fine, and we had similar senses of humor. It was on and popping...that is, until I found out that he had a lady. Whomp, whomp, whomp. Better to know that early on, right?

I was supposed to see him again when I went home for Christmas, but that was pretty much out. At any rate, Arruh did introduce me to one of his friends, who was also an engineer. I won't even give him a name b/c it's not worth it, but he wanted to take me out while I was in town for Christmas. I imagine that he hadn't a clue about anything between Arruh and I. I kept hinging on the fact that they were boys, but then again, Arruh would probably be laying up under his lady whether I went or not. So the plan was for us to hang out the Friday night before New Year's.

BUT...my friend, Darius, texted me, asking what I was doing that evening. I've written about Darius before, as I have linked the third part to this trilogy of our reconnecting 2 years ago. It's funny, b/c I just re-read what I wrote back then and how I was feeling. How easily I forget things.

Anyway, he soon picked me up so that we could go to an open mic. So, my plans with that other dude, pretty much went out the window. Well, by the time we get to the open mic, it was over. Plan B was to bar hop. And that's when I got in trouble. The first place we went to was the same place that I went to with Arruh, the last time that I was in town. So, I was peeping around corners and ery'thang, lol. We get our drinks and settle on this park bench outside in the back of the spot and talk. And as he's telling me of his life plans, I am impressed. The "follow-through"...well, that has yet to be seen, but I do see promise. In the middle of our conversation, some random dude just walks up and asks to interview Darius. I'm guessing that this has something to do with spoken word but I really didn't pay too much attention as they filmed. I just stood behind and looked on. I don't know if it were a combination of the alcohol and the way that he confidently looked into the camera, but I was feeling something. But in the midst of my feeling whatever that was, a fight broke out in the spot, lol. So, it was on to Plan C.

We went to another spot, lined with bars and bands. We couldn't walk more than 5 steps without someone recognizing him and stopping us to talk. Of course, he enjoyed the attention. I was rather on the fence. We went to another bar with a band and had more drinks. By this point, I was "gone". Dancing crazily, semi-slurred but aware. Almost everytime that I see him, he usually asks if I want to "catch up" physically for old times sake. And almost everytime, I say no. But that night, I decided that if he asked, it would be his lucky day. He always tells me about other girls that he's been with, so I stayed a comfortable distance so as to not interrupt his game, but towards the end of the night, he had his arm around me and then we were holding hands...it was a little weird. Finally, I asked, as we walked the block...

"Are you going to take me home?"

He said, "No, I'm going to take you to my home."

Annnnnndddddd, it was written, lol. It had been 8 years since we were last intimate. 8 years. And it was better than I remembered. Heck, I couldn't even remember how long it had been. He had to tell me that. So, I spent that night with him. And as I lay there, reflecting on the passion shared the moments before, I thought, this is all it will be. I thought of the times when we were in school and when I'd be walking down the street, he would hop out of a bush, singing Prin.ce's A.dore, making a total ass out of himself. And then I thought of the time when I told him that I was homesick shortly after I moved here and he sent me a You.tu.be vid of his singing A.dore loud and wrong, while ad libbing my name in the lyrics. The first time that he mentioned that he loved me was in a blog, while using my gub'ment name and then he said it again within some FB status years ago. Not to be taken as "in love", but the fact that he would put that out there usually caught me off guard. He was always around after situations with other dudes fell through. And then there was that poem... And as everything came together in my head, I had to remind myself, again, that this is all that it will be.

When he took me home the next morning, I hugged him, told him that I had fun, and shut the door behind me. And with that said, I knew that I needed to shut the door behind men from my past and just clear my head overall.

Not desiring to be on some emotional rollercoaster, my chant for this year: "I'm doing me". But of course, whenever you declare that out loud, you get tested...

Progress

2012-01-12T22:49:00.001-05:00

Wow! It has been almost 4 months since I last blogged. Of course, much has happened, 15 year HS reunion, my son's father got married, Christmas/New Year's in N.O. during which I met his new wife and his new mother-in-law (talk about ambushed), my son's uncle/godfather passed away (heart attack at 35 y/o), girl meets new boy, girl stops talking to said new boy, girl has a wonderful "run-in" with an old boy from the past (read between the lines on that one), and now girl decides to avoid all those topics to talk about hair, lol. I may get to them later, but just note that I have high hopes for 2012 and brought this New Year in smiling...aaaaaannnnd dancing barefoot on a couch in a club with a champagne flute in hand. Buuutttt, back to the point of this blog...

I have to admit that I have not been as good with taking care of my hair as I was in the beginning of last year. I am trying to get back in the groove but my schedule doesn't allow for all-day spa sessions. But what I have noticed is...I don't have to sacrifice "life" for my hair. And what I mean is, I would continuously watch youtube vids and follow the do's and don'ts of growing out my hair but it's really not THAT serious. I have done all the wrong things like not sleeping with a satin bonnet, using un-natural products, used heat, not protective styling, and plain ole not really giving a sh*t to a certain extent. So here's my progress...

January 2011

You couldn't tell me that my hair wasn't banging then!

October 2011

November 2011

Used a blow-dryer to stretch

December 2011

First time that I've had my hair professionally flat-ironed in the past 2 and a half years.

Got countless comments on whether or not this was all of my hair...nothing against weave, I just simply can't afford it.

And back again!

So, my new hair goals for 2012...have fun with it!

2011-09-25T15:24:00.000-04:00

Life is interesting. Everytime I fix my lips to say that I'm moving back home, something happens that makes me put it off. During my last performance evaluation, I mentioned wanting to dabble in another discipline so that I could be a more well-rounded engineer. In the past couple of weeks, there have been some shifts in the office. With that said, I was offered an opportunity to switch teams (not in THAT way) within my department. My concern was that I would be starting over at square one but I was told that I am being trained to be a team leader within the next 6 months. I had to make the decision quick, so I swallowed my fears of failure and I decided to go for it. This can only benefit me when I finally jump ship and move back home. And right now, I think that I will resume looking for work down there sometime next spring/summer. But you know what...I never know b/c I feel as if God is playing a game of cat and mouse with me when it comes to my being in N.O.

Plus, my baby is loving being the big man on campus as a 5th grader at school. This will be his last year there and now he wants to be involved in the bully prevention program and the recycling program AND is talking about running for president of his class. On top of his usual commitments, I have made volunteering commitments as well. I'm a bit curious to see how this all works out.

So for right now, I'll just have to get my N.O. fix when I visit. I'll be home next month for my 15 year reunion. I kinda, sorta have a date when I go home, the day/night before the reunion. I think that I have a little crush on this guy, but I'll reserve explaining how we met and all the particulars later if everything goes well. So far, he seems like the "nice guy" and he doesn't have a twitter page to throw little jabs at me if things don't go well. :) I'll only be home for 5 days but I am looking forward to the vacation and hope to spend time with my "new" nephews.

can I write about hair now?

2011-09-13T20:25:00.000-04:00

I'm pretty boring in the hair department, hence the reason that I haven't posted much about it. I'm still trying to find a good mix for a deep conditioner. Everytime that I think that I am using the same ingredients, I get sporadic results. And then end up trying to retrace my steps when I had THE best consecutive hair days. Also, I haven't used shampoo in weeks and am still trying to figure out if that's a product that I'll exclude altogether. So far, so good. My go-to style for the moment:

My son is not a fan of the ponytail (nor my wearing my glasses, for that matter). He keeps telling me that he prefers my hair to be "wild". I, on the other hand, don't mind a ponytail while I'm still battling this heat. And this seems to be the only way that I can rock a wash and go b/c I dislike how limp my hair looks in the front as it grows out. One thing I can say...it's going to take me a minute before I give up my Suave Professionals Almond and Shea Butter. in fact, I'm about to hop in the shower and spend some quality time with it again as I slick my hair BACK into another ponytail after rocking this for 4 days:

First thing that I thought when I heard word that Hurr.icane I.rene was supposed to hit the east coast was that I'll use that downtime to henna my hair. And so I did. But then the f'in power went out. Thank goodness I have gas, so I still had hot water. So, imagine me trying to do my hair by flashlight. After a while, I just gave up, lol. We only lost power for 10 hours so I was able to resume styling, the following morning. What you won't do...for love. But anyway, I think the henna is giving me more hangtime.

2 years, 3 months strong, but the way my hair tangles is driving me insane! What kind of product do I need to prevent THAT?!

10 - mini-me is not so mini anymore :(

2011-09-07T19:47:00.000-04:00

Celebrating my one TRUE labor day, the day that I gave birth to my lil man, J. He turned 10 today. Good Lawd, YA'LL are getting old, lol.

Truth be told, I've written about 3 blogs since my last posting, but I scrapped them b/c I'm just not ready to share. I need some time to get comfortable again. BUT, I had to celebrate my baby's birthday on blog.

My boy, Navy, came down for the weekend and took care of us. My crew had a cookout on Saturday and surprised J (and me) with a cake. My lil man even learned how to play spades and got to sit at the mens table. (Next up, dominoes, lol). We had a great time as I served everyone on some more MJ Ex.perience. Then on Sunday, Navy treated us to King's Do.minion. I was mistaken for J's older sister by an entry photographer at the park, but it's cool. J had a blast and we closed it down!

Today, I woke him up and gave him his gifts. He was so appreciative that he hopped out of bed just to give me a big hug. I love that lil boy so much. I was "allowed" to drop off cupcakes at his school and I made sure NOT to kiss him in front of his friends (the biggest gift that I could give), lol.

Happy Birthday to the greatest joy in my life! (only 8 more to go)

awkward black girl

2011-08-30T19:06:00.000-04:00

My youtube addiction has gone well past natural hair gurus. I'll watch inspirational vids, up & coming comedians, and whatever else seems interesting in the sidebar. My mom's best friend emailed me the link to this a while back...maybe she's saying that the lead chick reminds her of me...I don't know. I am anxiously awaiting Episode 8, but this is my favorite episode so far.

what's shaking

2011-08-24T21:28:00.003-04:00

One reason why I know that I need a vacation...

Yesterday in the afternoon, I was sitting at my desk, working on a project that was due today. That's when I felt a rumble. At first I thought some of the maintenance men that I frequently see around the office were fixing some random piece of HVAC eqipment. But the rumble lasted a lot longer and grew more intense than the typical maintenance job. When I looked to my right, the wall partitions and lights above were vibrating. And that's when I panicked. I thought the building was about to collapse. I pictured that same scene of a building collapsing on TV. This image did not move me b/c I still sat in my seat trying to think of what to do. Am I supposed to run to the stairwell? Stand in a doorway? Get under my desk? One thing that I did do, I saved my work. Dramatically speaking, in the event that I should go down with this building; yet, my work is recoverable, I would like it to be up to date, lol. When it stopped, I got up and walked into the hallway and shouted, "What in da hell was THAT?!" A coworker said, "I think it was an earthquake."

My office is on the third floor. I migrated to the window, only to see that the whole first floor had left the building and were gathering outside. I go back to my desk and text my dad to tell him that VA just had an earthquake. Soon after that, I called my son's daycare and ask them if everyone was alright. And then, I was told that we had to evacuate for an hour.

I know that I need a vacation when I'm being told that I have to evacuate immediately, but I proceed to save my work AGAIN, shut down my computer, grab my laptop, pack my bag, and bounce. Heaven forbid it had been a fire. I went to an eatery down the street with some coworkers (us rebellious ones who refused to stand outside in the heat) and we watch CNN to try and piece together what happened. This is when I realize that I can't call anyone, can't check voicemails, can't text, BUT I can get on FB. Apparently, my dad had sent out the bat-signal to my stepmom, my sisters, and my aunt (who I hadn't talked to in YEARS) --- all FB friends. I didn't know that he tried to call me right after I sent the text and I'm sure that a lot of stuff had to have been going through his mind based on what he had seen on tv and his inability to reach me. By the time my 2nd sis got a hold of me on FB, I was able to use my phone to call him back and calm him down.

And then I became concerned about J. When we left the N.O. b/c of Hurricane K.atrina, it took a while for him to get over the trauma of losing everything. I just knew that he was probably losing it. So, I left to pick him up. When I get to the daycare, he was having a blast in the ball pit in one of the play rooms. He was actually upset that I picked him up early. When we walked outside I asked him, "Man, did you feel THAT?!" He said yeah. He goes on to tell me how all the kids were freaking out b/c of the vibrations, but that he was sitting by a bookshelf during reading time, so he got a massage out of it. I fell out laughing. Here I am worried about him. He wasn't the one that needed to be soothed.

We went home to make sure that all was well...and it was. So the only thing that came from that earthquake is a cool story to share on the first day of school.

And I will be taking a mini-staycation soon, before I go home in October.

a little better

2011-08-18T14:01:00.002-04:00

Two posts in the same week! I may be on to something, lol. First, I would like to thank everyone that emailed me over my last post. I was touched and didn't realize that certain people occasionally read my blog. It meant a lot.

Yesterday, I had something along the lines of...a nervous breakdown at work. I was getting frustrated with some plans and how to design around new architectural changes with an impending deadline and it just hit me. I mean, all out crying at my workstation. Now, if you're anything like me, you'd rather have 50 paper cuts and your stapler come up missing than to cry in front of people. I sent my team leader an email asking to leave so that I could slip out unnoticed and pull myself together. In normal form, she takes forever to check her email so I had to walk over there and that's when Niag.ara Falls re-emerged. Although not quite old enough, this lady is the white mother that I never had (I think that I've said before that there is something in my spirit that older women respond to that makes them want to serve as the motherly figure in my life).

Anyway, she took me into a conference room and I mean, I was pitiful. I had a GOOD, HEARTY cry...nose running, almost as if I had just caught a whipping type cry. I shared some of what was bothering me. She starts telling me about how much she admires me and the accomplishments that I've made here while raising J alone. I suppose that that was to help, but I think that I found an extra water reservoir within. I told her that I'd bring my laptop home, but she said that I needed a break and if I didn't feel like coming in today, then just stay home. I left, cried ALL THE WAY to the daycare when I picked up J. (I'm sure that onlookers in the other cars thought that I had lost my mind). I fixed my face up enough to pick him up and ask that he heat up leftovers and that he could have whatever else he wants while I lie down. My team leader called to check on me and I told her that I would take her up on her offer to stay home today.

Excluding this week, I don't remember the last time that I cried and felt extremely sensitive to everything. I might have to search my blog, but I feel as if it were 2 years ago. Maybe it's something that was built up and needed to be released. I just wish that I could've controlled it and saved it up until I got home. I really can't think of anything more embarrassing than crying in front of other people, but my team leader reminded me that sometimes this strong front that I tend to put on can be too heavy to carry.

I could kick myself. Oftentimes, I underestimate the power of friendship. None of my girlfriends know about my blog, or at least, I don't think that they do (speak now or forever hold your peace). I called my girlfriend in Chicago, who KNOWS me. Without even bringing it up, she said that she knew that I was probably feeling down b/c of the time of year, anniversary of my mom's death/my mom's birthday. But she also reminded me that I have this tendency to draw away from people when I'm really upset and that she's glad that I reached out to her. She also said that it's probably intensified b/c I REALLY want to move back home (like yesterday) after accomplishing things that I set out to accomplish before considering the move. It's not happening fast enough. I'm thinking to myself, why didn't I call her last week. It may have saved me a lot of trouble. Well, maybe....I might need a good cry every now and again before my insides mildew. :)

So, the thing with the "friend"...my attempt at reconnecting with him was b/c he was comforting to me at a time. This reconnection; however, was anything but comforting, lol. Some of you addressed his portion of my previous blog, put some things into perspective, and I agree with you.

I have re-shifted my focus today, regaining some motivation. I haven't had a vacation day since April. I read. I prayed. Slept. Danced in my draws. I have been pecking away at this cover letter. I've read previous cover letters that I've written and they ALL suck. So I'm hoping that whatever I come up with now will get me home before this season's first S.aints game. Who knows. Unfortunately, I can no longer sit in my own funk and have to get ready for a mixer tonight with a volunteer organization that I just joined.

Tomorrow, my girlfriends want me to go out (is it possible to feel as if you're going out wayyyy too much and have a kid?) That's probably something that I'll have to get over really quickly. I almost feel as if I'm being pimped b/c their thought is if I meet a man and fall in love, I won't want to go back home. They are turning me into a project. In my mind, I fear that if I start dating a VA man, then I'll get stuck here. The way that it has been going these past few weekends is if there is a bar/club full of black men and there's one white man, THAT'S who's going to approach me. That's what I deal with all day and I guess that I was kinda hoping to come home to something different. I know that that's sad as a self-professed equal opportunity dater, but I've been finding nit-picky reasons not to like a dude. I should probably get over that really quickly too, if I really want what I say I want, right?

Anyway, I'm not 100% but I think that if I go back to work tomorrow, I can make it through 8 hours without turning into a blubbering mess. As for the mixer tonight, I saved my dad's text today, telling me that he loved me since he knew that today would be hard. We have come so far so when in doubt, I'll whip it out. :)

2011-08-16T20:29:00.000-04:00

Tonight, I'm going to use this blog to say what I feel without fear. The guy that I'll mention doesn't read me, so I'm cool on that front but I'm sure that I'm going to cuss and perhaps admit things that I shouldn't admit and be considered uncool by others.

For the past week, I have been walking around with an emptiness inside of me. I've been feeling mildly depressed for a while now and haven't been able to shake it. I have been extremely emotional at home and unfocused at work. It's noticeable at work, b/c I've had 3 coworkers to comment on my not being myself...not smiling...not joking around. One even said that my eyes look sad...how that's possible, I don't know.

The weird thing is...the more that I hang out with my friends, the more alone I feel. I actually had a girlfriends brunch at my house (I NEVER host anything) that lasted from 11 am until 6 pm last Saturday. All I could wonder is when exactly will they leave so that I can curl up in my bed and watch movies by myself. Everytime that I'm asked to go somewhere, I go reluctantly when I don't really want to be bothered. I looked at the calendar today, saw that my mom's birthday is this week, and wonder if this has anything to do with it. I usually expect to feel shitty during July since that's when she passed away, but by August I usually feel better. And besides, it's been 12 years. I should really be past all of this but even now, I'm crying uncontrollably while trying to think of reasons to take off work tomorrow.

I feel as if I'm going through the motions, Everyday is the same. I try to busy up my schedule to force me to do things in hopes of me not sitting and thinking too much, but it doesn't matter. When I get home, I'm too tired to enjoy the things that I once did and just fall asleep. I recall from childhood how going to sleep cures all.

I'm tired. Of what and of who, I don't know. I'm just tired. And it's hard trying to smile and be strong when my son is around. Steadily fronting as if everything is ok when there's something not quite right inside of me. I feel as if it won't be long before he detects something is wrong with mommy. I'm trying to pull it together. I'm trying to on my own b/c I don't have anyone to talk to. Well, I guess that I have everyone to talk to but who really wants to listen to stuff like this. Stuff that makes no sense.

I thought of the last time when I felt lost, the person that I talked to the most was my "friend". At the time we met, I was laid off and had JUST gone natural. Now, the latter probably doesn't mean shit to anyone else, but I would have my moments when I wasn't so sure of myself and my level of attractiveness with practically no hair and even moreso during that awkward, in-between stage. But no matter what, he would remind me of how beautiful I was inside and out. My job had become part of my identity as well and without it, at times, I didn't know who I was. And as the head of my household, I had savings to last me for months but no idea of what my next move will be. He was there when I studied for my PE exam the first time and there when I was upset over not passing it. He had so much patience with me during that period of uncertainty and liked me at my worst. Yet, I kept getting hung up on certain details that would keep me from closing the deal. And it wasn't just me...I mean, honestly, that whole situation was confusing.

Now, I look back on it and it embarrasses me to think of how I could have handled things better. The fact that someone could adore me during that time makes me think that that's the kind of man that I would want when everything is good. When I passed my exam in April, I told my dad, my girlfriends, made a grand announcement on FB and on blog but, for some reason, nothing could've made me feel as good as having the moment when I tell my "friend" and he says that he's proud of me. Unfortunately, I didn't have that moment b/c the last that I'd talked to him, he didn't know if he could be my friend after things really fell apart. Since life started looking up for me (at least on the outside), he hasn't been around.

I reached out to him to apologize. For months, I gave him his space, not sure of what to say. I never stopped being interested, I just didn't really know what I wanted and thought it more fair to err on the side of caution. We have been talking for the last few days. In the process, I keep feeling as if he thinks that everything was my fault. He is absolutely done with me romantically, but claims to still care about me, miss me, and wants a friendship. That's all that I wanted initially b/c that's all I can handle right now. I just wanted the lines of communication open between us.

But then I go on twitter and read something that he "tweets"...if that's what that shit is called...and it appeared as if he tweeted about our situation (albeit written in code) and it seems as if he is boasting about me not finding dudes that compared to him.

I thought that I wanted to work at rebuilding, but in my mind tonight, I'm like fuck this. it seems as if the person that I talk to is Mr. Hyde and the person on social media (b/c this shit has come up before) is Dr. Jekyll. I really don't know who I'm dealing with. I can understand being hurt and maybe even wanting to hurt me...I guess that there is no where else to go with that sentence. Maybe I should just let that shit ride. There has to be someone out there that'll adore me like he once did...especially now that I have stuff going for me, right? And now that I know what's important to me, I can act accordingly.

So, perhaps I'm back to square one, dealing with this stuff alone. Maybe this feeling will pass by the time school starts, when I'm complaining about J's activities and not having time to myself. I, at least, feel better after writing this. All I need is a good movie and a prayer to help me sleep tonight.

a case for the child's mother

2011-08-11T21:21:00.003-04:00

Last week, my son came home from his summer tour. Well, he came home and brought a few extra pounds with him but I guess that that is what the N.O. and Orlando can do to a happy kid. He and his father flew in on Wednesday evening. My friends here thought it proper to welcome J back with a game night and some karaoke. (I love my friends, but I've come to really hate Dreamgirls for inspiring them to become the "Effie"s that they aren't, lol). Anyway, I whipped up on everyone with some MJ Ex.perience and around 11:30 (YES, 11:30) we finally called it a night. When J, his dad, and I got home, his dad decided that he wanted to sit me down for a serious conversation.

I didn't know what I was in for, and honestly, his dad is so dramatic that it's a really hard call.

"I'm getting married sometime in November."

Yep, that was no where near what I expected. He'd mentioned a girlfriend back in July but I didn't think anything of it. He brought her down to N.O. for Essence and when he visited J at my father's house, MY dad took it upon himself to give her the "seal of approval" when we spoke on the phone shortly after.

I don't recall any flutter in my chest...my heart didn't drop to my feet...so all signs pointed to my being over him, but maybe the initial shock was that he was truly over me. I recall him holding a long conversation with me over the phone while he had some chick in his bedroom, who he had to beg to come back when she got up to leave in disgust. And the times when he would visit N.O. and stop by my friends house and speak of me being his soul mate LONG after we parted ways.

But now he's getting married.

So I asked how long they have been dating and when did they get engaged. He answered that they had been dating for almost a year and have been engaged for a few weeks. Doing the math in my head...

"Is she pregnant?"

He denied that. And not to say that you can't just fall all hard and feel that you truly know that person in less than a year. I suppose it's possible; although, I can't speak from experience. I just feel that there's more to the story...but really none of my business.

The trip part was that he invited me to the wedding. Didn't ask that J be in the wedding...he invited US to the wedding. I'm sure that he hadn't cleared this idea with his new bride. I've never met this woman before and I can imagine that meeting her at her own wedding to my ex would rank pretty high in awkward moments.

But anyway, my mind started running a mile a minute. Currently, we have an agreement over child support. Knowing that marriage can cause someone to re-prioritize, (someone who already, in my opinion, does not make his son a top priority in his life) my thought was to protect my son and legalize our child support agreement. I even told him as much so that he wouldn't be surprised. But this situation made me think back to the friends and family members that married into children. The child's mother was often villified for seeking child support. It was as if that money was more of a punishment for the father and THEIR family and less about supporting the child. J's dad PROMISED that he would continuously take care of J in the same manner that he has been, but I almost chuckled at the thought that his WORD would hold any weight in this house.

And then I started thinking silly things. What if he has more kids and is more attentive and cares for them more than he does his first son? Would J come to know what that feels like? And then it fell back to my ego when I thought that his bride probably won't go through the same mess that I went through 10 years ago (all of which he apologized for this same night). Isn't she lucky?

My dad seems to think J's dad is lying and needs a marriage license before he's swayed one way or the other.

At the end of the day, I guess that I wish him the best...but I just need to prepare for the worst.

I asked J what he thought and he said that he didn't care. So, then I asked what he thought about my getting married one day. He seemed fine with that as well. Excited about being given the green light (cuz I wasn't before), I asked how he would feel about having siblings one day.

"Uh, I don't know about that."

on the move

2011-07-28T23:03:00.005-04:00

So much for staying on my blog game. For the past 2 weeks, I have been working crazy overtime hours. Last week, alone, I worked 23 over. I have been going into the office, looking like hell for the entire 2 weeks, only to find out TODAY (the original due date) that the project has been pushed back another 30 days. Whereas some people were probably celebrating, I wanted to punch someone clean in the throat.

Life goes on.

My son will return next Wednesday. He stayed with his PawPaw in N.O. for a month while in summer camp. Now, he's spending time with his dad in FL. I am ready to have him back. "Excited" cannot even explain how I feel. The house is entirely too quiet. I like my "me" time, but sometimes, my constant introspection can start to get on my own nerves. Plus, his return means less interaction with his dad. He's changed somewhat over the years, I suppose, but he still has these ways that irk me. God must be looking out, b/c this dude said something on the phone that gave me pause, and I was ready to verbally leap all over him when the daggone phone cut off. Divine intervention, maybe? I'm still hot about it, but...

Life goes on.

Put me on the clock, b/c it's my prayer that by this time next year, I will have moved back home. I wanted to get my license before I started the process, but I also expected another significant raise this month, which may have slowed that process. I must admit that my second raise was rather underwhelming. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful to have a job, to be offered a raise, it's been a wonderful opportunity, etc. However, I know what I'm worth, despite what anyone has to say about the state of the economy. I'm positive that my male peers with my credentials are getting paid the number that I have in my head. I would even venture to guess that the men without similar credentials are well-fed.

I've been living in fear concerning this move. Always wondering...how will I sell my home in this market? Will I even find a job that fulfills me back home? How will J adjust? Will he hate it? Will this move open wounds? And of course, I'm asked, what if another hurricane wipes out the city?

The bottom line is, I just need to step out on faith and pray that God clears the path and lines everything up for me. I finally dusted off and updated my resume. I contacted a recruiter back home. I don't know if we'll be friends by the end of this b/c I don't like my time wasted and I'm very particular. I made my goals/vision clear to him, so we'll see how this works out. In the meantime, I will shop my resume around on my own. My timeline is odd. If he or I should find something before school starts, I will pack a suitcase and bounce, lol. If not, I'd like to hold out until next summer...unless an extraordinary opportunity that I just can't turn down presents itself well before then.

I already have a plan in place to temporarily stay with my dad, while I attempt to sell/rent my home. We haven't argued in over a year! Applause is in order. It still freaks me out when he texts me to tell me that he loves me, but I guess I'll get used to that one day. I think that the letter that I wrote him actually sunk in. Go figure.

J doesn't like change. Not sure how many children do. I know that there will be an adjustment period, but I believe that he'll benefit from being closer to his PawPaw and cousins. I will lean on my connections as far as getting him into the right school. We'll find a new cubscout pack, baseball league, and drama course. He'll be fine, right?

As for me, it's home. I miss my family, my friends, and my surroundings. I'm interested in reconnecting many, growing some and repairing one relationship. I don't know how that latter goal is going to work out considering my communication issues, but I have an agenda. Moving on...if I am already at home, the $1000 that I spend to visit several times a year can be put towards places that I haven't seen before. :) And afterschool care can be thrown out the window altogether.

I guess we'll see how this all pans out. Wish me luck.

it WAS my anniversary (hair)

2011-06-28T20:02:00.009-04:00

It's been 2 years (and 2 weeks) since my dad said, "Are you really going to leave the house looking like that?" Several arguments and raggedy ass comments later, he's finally reached the point of acceptance.

It's also interesting to witness my son go from indifference to begging me to allow him to grow a mini-afro of his own. And we did that during the first 5 months of this year. He recently cut it off for the summer, but would like to grow it back again ASAP. He now offers his unsolicited opinion of how "I don't look right" with my hair in a ponytail as he prefers it "all over my head."

What a difference 2 years make...

(June 13, 2009)

(June 28, 2011)

(June 12, 2009 - blurry, I know)

(June 28, 2011)

My 6-month healthy hair challenge ends July 1st. I retained more length than I thought I would considering how I wear my hair out 90% of the time. I also manipulate/retwist every night (when it's not in a ponytail) to keep it from tangling. (Everything that I've read that you shouldn't do to retain length). The things that most likely worked to my advantage may be product consistency, deep conditioning after every wash, being extra careful during my detangling sessions, and overall keeping it simple.

(January 1, 2011)

(June 28, 2011 - It goes under my chin and touches my neck)

(January 1, 2011)

(June 28, 2011)

(January 1, 2011)

(June 28, 2011 - beware of the CLAW, lol)

I usually get the 2 year itch to cut my hair off, but I'm gonna hold out for a minute. I haven't henna'd in ages, but I think that I'd like to try it again, so that I can darken my hair with indigo. I know that the summer inspires many to go lighter, but I think that darker hair looks better against my skin tone and I'm hoping that it imparts more shine (and lays the smack down on these 3 gray hairs that have sprouted up, lol).

hou.se hun.ters

2011-06-27T22:59:00.004-04:00

So, my episode of Hou.se Hunt.ers aired last Thursday (too lazy to find the link to the blog that I wrote about my filming experience, but it's around here somewhere :o). The couple that I helped out had a mini-watch party at their not-as-new home. I've always wanted to be on HGTV. Although not necessarily in this way, but it's a start, right?

I debated on whether or not to announce it b/c I wanted to preview it. After all, I had gotten up early, thinking that I would've filmed my scene first, but fell asleep while waiting for my big break. The things that I thought that they would've shown, they didn't. The things that I don't remember saying while filming, they did. And while watching, all I could focus on were my cheeks. It looked as if the camera added 10 pounds to my face and my hair wasn't as long as it is now to detract from them.

But aside from that, it was fun to watch...especially after 3-4 glasses of wine. My fam kept texting me and ribbing me. It was all good.

Unexpectedly, they ended up showing my loft/office and it looked fabulous. I'm still waiting on Can.dice Ols.en to call and ask me to cohost Di.vine De.sign. They did not show my living room, which I thought, was the money shot. But perhaps that was for the best. I made mention of my emotional decorating in my last post. I recently painted over the red accent wall in my living room that I have been enamored with for the past 3 or 4 years. I remember when I painted it...all 5 coats of it since I didn't buy primer (too lazy to find the link to the blog that I wrote about my painting experience, but it's around here somewhere :o).

Initially, I didn't want to cover it b/c that would negate all of my hard work back then, but it was time for a change. Plus, I needed something to do since J was leaving me. So, I picked up some cinnamon paint to brighten things up a bit.

Ignore the orange blotch. I was trying to see if I preferred something brighter, but after staring at the blotch for a day, I covered it back up with more cinnamon paint. I'm pretty happy with my decision since it brings out the terra cotta undertones in my slate countertop and coffee table. Also, it compliments the other walls that one sees when they walk through my front door.

Now, I'm walking around with a hammer and a screwdriver, looking for other things to do to my house while I'm missing my baby.

the goings on

2011-06-21T00:37:00.007-04:00

Thanks to everyone that congratulated me in my last post. I really appreciated it. So much has happened since then. Now that my son has left me for the summer (hopefully, only a month), I'll devote more time to tell some stories. I should b/c otherwise, my missing him will lead to other impromptu decorating decisions...like painting over my red wall in my livingroom. Yes, I did that. I have since put the paint brush down and backed away slowly.

I reached my 2 year natural anniversary a little over a week ago, but my camera is acting funny, so I didn't bother doing a special post. I'll figure this out later. But 2 years ago, I had about as much hair as my son has in the above pic taken on my birthday.

I turned 33 last week. YAY to 33! I tell you one thing, I love who I am in my 30s. Yes, I still have problems and things don't always go my way but it's different. You couldn't pay me to revisit my twenties. Seven of my girlfriends here celebrated with me during a Sunday birthday brunch at a fabulous French-themed restaurant. No big hats this year. I DID overdo it on the mimosas, but it WAS long overdue. Since my idea of going out is browsing the aisles of Home De.pot when on break from baseball games and cubscout meetings, my girls encouraged me to down another one...and another one. I was rather "nice" by 1:00pm. We just sat and enjoyed each other's company until I sobered up...somewhere around 5:00pm. :o)

Since passing my exam, I've had my Performance Evaluation and it went great. Now, I'm just waiting to see if the next raise matches the review. But that's not even the sweetest part in all of this.

I'll close out this random post with one of my little stories. I did contact my former supervisor...you know, the one that said that he can no longer afford me the day after I returned from vacation 2 years ago. Anyway, I thanked him and some other gentlemen for writing my recommendations for my exam application and let them know that I passed...extending the olive branch. Now, I may be childish but I still have a slightly bad taste in my mouth over the way things went down. And on top of that, I didn't like how he gave my former coworker a bad review when contacted by my current employer. I was trying to get him hired at my company when he was laid off by them (with a family to feed and an unemployed wife), but my ex-supervisor told them, "I wouldn't trust him with his own projects." I found this to be rather odd b/c he was telling my ex-coworker one thing and apparently, letting everyone else know something totally different. Needless to say, my company didn't grant my friend so much as an interview.

Fast forward to now, he writes me back to tell me congratulations. But in the same email, he asks if my company has any openings, b/c he'd like to get on. Come to find out, since I had been laid off, this dude was demoted from VP, had to swallow a pay cut, and had his decisions questioned until he finally decided to leave my former place of employment. I was tripping out, b/c the same man that couldn't afford me 2 years ago was asking ME about a job. How ya like dem apples? So, I kept it cool. I asked him to forward me his resume and told him that I'll make sure that the VP receives it. I held true to my word and sent it off. Part of me felt like I owed him "something" since he did hire me. The VP then calls me in his office and asks me questions about my ex-supervisor. I struggled to answer b/c I didn't want to bad mouth the man b/c that reflects more on me than that man. All I could think was that ever since this dude had brain surgery, he hasn't been right, but I didn't exactly know how to phrase it. I was finally asked, rather bluntly, about the man's performance. My honest opinion...

"Well, I can't say much, but...I wouldn't trust him with his own projects." I guess the OTHER part of me felt that I owed him "something else". HA! A setback is a set-up for a comeback, baby!

I PASSED!

2011-05-28T10:13:00.005-04:00

Pictured below is J and I at the school's Mother-Son dance a few weeks ago.

Pictured above is a woman, who just found out 2 days ago, that she passed her PE exam!!! I am still on cloud 9! I believe that I have hit the stage where you debate what kind of frame you want to display your certificate in and on which wall will you display it. Should I hang it up in my home office or bring it to work and ask, "Are you ready to take me seriously now?" I have 2 months to decide since that's when it will arrive.

Admittedly, I was freaking out this week b/c my co-worker and accountability partner found out that she didn't pass her exam (a different one from mine). And then I heard tale that 2 people in my department (who were attempting a different certification) didn't pass their exams. And seeing as how I'm not foreign to failing, I was ready to hang it up. My books have been stacked against a wall across from my bed since I took the test, ready to be picked up again if necessary. Yet, in my mind, I couldn't fathom having to sacrifice my livelihood for months, holed up on weekends and getting up at 3 am on weeknights (when it was quiet), studying until it was time for me to get ready for work.

I had just finished discussing my plans for the Memorial Day weekend when I checked my email on my phone and saw that the testing board had posted the results. This is earlier than normal b/c they usually like to ruin your July 4th, lol. I wasn't so sure that I was ready to give up being content with life to know my results. I logged into my account and viewed my notice with my hands covering my face. Slowly peeking to the right, I saw in all caps, "PASS!" Holy mother of God, I had to muffle my screams. I cried. I jumped around. I got my shout on. This.was.big.

I am the first one to acquire this license in my specialty, one of 2 women in my dept., and one of 2 black people in the whole daggone company. I popped my collar so hard that I almost got a crook in my neck, lol.

I promptly printed my results notice and pranced around with it. The VP of my dept. wasn't in his office, so I kindly emailed him the results and cc'ed my direct supervisor.

I got a "congratulations", 3 handshakes, increased respect....oh, and a RAISE effective immediately. And there's more where that came from come annual review time in July.

I know that I neglect my blog more often than not, but to retrace what I have written to date about the things that I have gone through career-wise makes me feel so blessed. Two years ago, I had just been laid off and had no clue of what I was going to do. Interestingly enough, the same people who were responsible for letting me go were the same people that wrote my recommendations for my exam application afterward when asked. I guess that I have to thank them for helping me to get where I am now. Finally, I'm at a place where I'm valued.

I almost feel as if things don't come easy for me for a reason. I adore humility in others and that's how I wish to remain. But mayne...when I get my stamp in the mail, like Ye, "You can't tell me nuthin'!"

**Dancing**

hair challenge: 4 months in

2011-05-05T18:39:00.005-04:00

I try not to write so much about my hair b/c, in my mind, I think that I may bore some if not all that still read my blog. However, I get the most interest by way of email questions and comments with regard to my hair. I guess that I'm getting traffic based on some product that I mentioned or just by talking about my journey. Sooooo, here's another hair post. :)

I last washed my hair on Saturday morning and here's my 5th day twist out. I have a little less than 2 months left in my 6 month hair challenge and I have to admit that I have slipped more than a few times. I have gone to sleep without my bonnet, stretched out the time between washings while I was studying, and trimmed my ends a little too often. On the flip side, I have been more open to trying different products and techniques in order to optimize my hair regimen.

Here are the things that I've learned so far:

(1) I love the Shea Moisture Restorative Masque; however, I have discovered that the best moisturizing deep conditioner for me is the yogurt and coconut milk homemade conditioner. I change up what I mix in it...banana baby food (after a mishap with unproperly mashed avocados), amla (to darken my hair), random oils that I have laying around, etc. I just need to be sure to not leave it in too long before my hair gets mushy. Otherwise, incredibly soft hair for days.

(2) Try as I might, I cannot give up aloe vera gel. I thought that all gels were the devil, but aloe vera has been really good for my slicked back ponytails and for my frizzy curl section.

(3) Alone, castor oil creates a hot mess. When mixed into my deep conditioner, I get a shine like no other.

(4) Washing my hair in twists has been the business.

(5) Suave Professionals Almond and Shea Butter has given me life. Up until now, I was sold on Yes to Tomatoes, but the new formula wasn't cutting it for my strands. And I was also having more trouble finding it at Ross for $2.99...I might've told too many my secret. I read a review on the Suave Professionals line and thought I'd cop it the next time I went to the grocery. Kroger had the 14 ounce bottle on sale for $1.15. Couldn't lose, right? Detangling was a BREEZE with this stuff. Plus, I diluted it with water and used it as a leave-in. Once again, winning. Went back to Kroger and bought 7 more bottles (only b/c that's all they had left). Yes, I have a problem. So much for using only all-natural products, but who cares when it gets the job done.

(6) Despite the minimal manipulation rule, re-twisting at night has minimized my single strand knots a great deal.

(7) My hair seems thinner on my right side than it is on my left. Hoping for the miracle cure of simply being natural, my hair remains thinner on this side from my relaxed days. Maybe it's b/c I sleep on the right side of the bed while on my right side. At any rate, I've come to accept it and don't plan on trying all kinds of treatments to cure it. It is what it is.

(8) I hope to never have to part ways with my Shea Moisture Curl Enhancing Smoothie. It has loved me like no other.

refreshed...somewhat

2011-04-26T22:11:00.003-04:00

So, I'm still getting adjusted to going back to the office. I experienced a mild flutter in my chest when I walked through those doors, a door knob that I hadn't touched in 2 and a half weeks. Cali was ok. More work than play, but I did hit up the San.ta Moni.ca pier and the beach in the meantime, between time.

The N.O., on the other hand, was great as always. My dad and I are still on good terms. (Aside: When your parents come to visit, do you ever find that they just have to exhibit some control by moving stuff around in your place? So far, I've noted that my dad thought that my recliner should be re-positioned and took the time to move my microwave, toaster, and radio in the kitchen.) Anyway, I got to hang out with my friends, hit up new spots and revisit the old, but I really enjoyed just relaxing, eating crawfish, shrimp, and turkey necks, in the backyard with the fam.

And then there were the drawbacks. I vented about one in my last post. It still bothers me b/c the more that I think about the situation, the more it doesn't make sense. Saying how he"really wanted it to work", while putting energy into something totally different is beyond my comprehension. And then getting mad at me for saying that the status quo isn't working has me scratching my head. But Teddy P. is telling me to "let it go" and so I will. But while this dude is trying to figure out if we can even be friends, another one from my past wanted to be "friendly", if you know what I mean. Granted, there's some flattery in it and I might have pondered over it longer than I should have while coping with rejection. But at the end of the day, THAT wouldn't have made me feel better and considering our history, it is best to leave the past in the past. Besides, I'd be shortchanging myself, knowing what I really want.

At any rate, my 2 best girlfriends back home FINALLY motivated me to do my vision board. I believe that I've been nagged about it for a whole year. And so I did, on Resurrection Day. I'm a day late and a dollar short, but I told them from that point on, they can put me on the clock and hold me accountable. Now that I'm somewhat refreshed, I just need to set some goals to accomplish for the latter part of the year.

...

2011-04-22T23:47:00.004-04:00

He said to me, "I don't know if I can JUST be your friend." I heard the words. I even repeated them. Especially considering how many times we said that we cherished the friendship...how many times that HE said that HE cherished OUR frienship. Part of me was angry, another part was sad, and in the far distance there was a part of me that understood. 'Cuz if I really think about it, I don't know if I can JUST be his friend either. The timing was all wrong. Be that as it may and all things considered "wrong" about us in my eyes, I haven't been able to stop thinking about him. I have these feelings that I don't know what to do with...aside from waiting for them to fade. And maybe that's for the best. If I were honest with myself, a "friendship" keeps me from having to be committed to the decision that I made. I should care enough about him to give him his space. Maybe this is temporary. Maybe not. I don't really know, but I'm shaking my head at myself b/c I think that if I had the chance to do that conversation all over again, I would still manage to say the wrong thing.

Oh well, I'll be alright. And so will he.

yes we can, yes we did

2011-04-03T07:34:00.006-04:00

Yesterday, J and I did the 10K. TODAY, my legs, thighs, and other regions that I can't name are screaming at me. Despite the weather reports, it was a beautiful day. We started out good, but man oh man, I started fading fast. And then when I got my second wind, J started acting like he was about to drop b/c of a cramp in his stomach. I know that he was salty at me everytime that I pointed at something and said that we were going to start back running once we hit that point. But it was fun! There were so many people out there cheering us on. And then there were those people holding and offering pans of cupcakes and boxes of doughnuts along the route in support. It was truly an experience...even when J decided that he had to go to the bathroom in the middle of it, lol. We ran and walked it, but once I saw the finish line from afar, I told J that we had to finish strong (this feeling was intensified when I saw this pregnant lady pass us up...and then the old man). And it was on! I kept chanting "We Can Do It, Yes, We Can!" We just had to keep pushing ourselves and we did it! It may have been ugly but we did it. Now, will we do this again next year...I'm not so sure. Unfortunately, J had a baseball game right after, so we had to race again to get to the field on the other side of town. I told him that he should be proud of himself b/c he did an amazing job.

I found some energy to wash my hair afterwards, but I just stood in the shower for 30 minutes. Simply stood. Reporting back from my last post about my deep treatment concoction...it was a miss this time. My curls were again moisturized but fell limp. I read that this could be a side effect from using either the yogurt or the coconut milk, but I hadn't experienced this before. The hair that is a looser texture was almost straight. I might've kept it in for too long or using it 2 times in a row could have been overkill. Who knows. I have been wearing my hair in a ponytail for the past 2 weeks to hide it and give it a chance to bounce back. So, I went back to my Deep Treatment Masque in hopes of bringing it back to life. Crossing fingers b/c I have to go to Cali next week and then back home the week after that, and I absolutely cannot afford to look crazy in either place.

I scored some She.a Mois.ture products on sale (BOGO) at Walgreens. I should be stocked up for the rest of the year. However, it looks like I have to find a new detangling conditioner. I bought the newly packaged Yes To Cu.cumbers and my hair gave it two thumbs down. I don't know what's missing or added to the new formula, but I'm not a fan. I am open to suggestions.

My dad is coming up on Wednesday to play Mr. Mom for a week when I go to Cali. My test is on Friday and I'm ready to knock it out of the park! J's baseball Opening Day is on Saturday, but after that, a coworker (who is taking a different professional exam that day) and I are celebrating getting our lives back after being holed up in our respective caves and studying for the past 3 months. I can't lie, I plan to be "nice" by 9pm. I'll spend Sunday recuperating and packing. I leave for Cali on Monday, will return that Thursday, and then my dad, J and I will all fly home on that Friday. Provided I'm not in a coma, I plan to enjoy my week in N.O. to the fullest. I don't normally take off from work for a whole week, but this is well-deserved and needed. Can I make it to then?

And the countdown begins...

macgyver hair

2011-03-19T18:59:00.005-04:00

I've mentioned my hair a few posts back, but hadn't posted a recent pic of it in a while. So here's how we're hanging:

Forgive the face...I had just come from the dentist, who pratically had her foot in my chest. Just kidding...somewhat. This is 5 or 6 day hair that had just endured 2 hours of smooshing and squirming from the dental chair.

I wore a flower in my hair to work that day (yesterday) and got stopped by 4 different people, who were happy to see my flowers re-emerge for the spring. I guess that I get "some kind of way" during the winter and lose interest in dresses, heels, flowers, and almost all things girly. I have been wearing jeans and my "comfortably ugly" shoes (despite my close coworker's opposition) consistently for the past few weeks.

While working on a project in the training room with my team, a young man walked in. I have seen him before at 2 other meetings, but all I knew of him was that he was a new hire and quite an expensive one since he's leading a project that is providing my company's bread and butter for the next 2 years. He sat down behind me for a few and briefly chatted with a team member of mine. I overheard him offering too much information when asked about food or cooking or something close to that. His response included rambling on about losing his appetite after his ex called him the night before. I'm positive that he and my team member are not THAT close. I left to get a cup of water and to chuckle to myself away from him. When I came back and sat down, he leaned in and said, "I really like your flower." I thanked him for the compliment. Then he said, "You know, you have such beautiful hair" and proceeded to gaze at me for an uncomfortable amount of time. I thanked him again and wondered to myself...is he flirting with me? Can't be possible since I was wearing my "comfortably ugly" shoes, right?

But maybe my hair was still thriving off of my deep conditioning macgyver mission from the weekend before. It had been 2 weeks since my last wash and my hair was in NEED. Unfortunately, I did not have my fave conditioner on deck nor did I have my Shea Moisture Deep Condtioner. I winged it with some Herbal Essence Hello Hydration. My hair didn't seem to care for it, which is weird. But I didn't shed a lot of hair during my detangling session, which was weird as well.

At any rate, I needed to come up with a deep treatment, so I got a bowl and started searching my kitchen for some ingredients. I grabbed some leftover yogurt, a container of banana baby food that I previously used for a homemade deep conditoner, and some coconut mik. I then went upstairs while stirring and figured that I should throw in everything including the bathroom sink. In went the coconut oil...and then the castor oil...and finally, some Trader Joe's Nourish Spa conditioner.

I washed my hair and then slathered on this mixture while in the shower. I covered with a plastic cap and went to sleep. Yep, you guessed it. I was sexy and sure that any man would approve of this being the way that EVERY woman should come to bed.

The next morning, I rinsed with cool water and prepared to style into a twist out. My hair was shiny and soft and it appeared that the frizz that I usually suffer from at the canopy of my hair had been tamed. Problem is, I don't know which ingredient did it. My hair was almost TOO defined on Monday. Which is ok, but I like my hair to be slightly poofy. By Wednesday, I had finally hit the sweet spot.

So right now, I'm letting the same mixture marinate under my plastic cap, replacing the Trader Joe's with some amla powder that I had in my stash. At the beginning of my hair challenge I used amla and brahmi every week, but it seemed to be very drying after a while. I figured that this may be the safe way to use amla and see if it makes a difference. I trimmed my hair today and am pampering my strands with this treatment, as a way of apologizing for those nights that I slept without my bonnet, for every day that I have refused to wear a protective style, and for those lunch hours that I spent out in the sun while power-walking and sweating to the oldies. We'll see if my hair will accept this mission or if the message will self-destruct.

I was browsing through my hair pics on my comp and found this one from this time last year. What a difference a year makes. I remember thinking that my hair is taking it's sweet time to grow back.

he's proud of ME

2011-03-16T20:16:00.003-04:00

Life has been pretty hectic, but I have to press pause for this moment. This month, I am helping the cubscouts earn their engineering badge. They have been building catapults and "towers" out of stiff sphaghetti noodles, marshmallows, and tape. I stayed an hour late at work last Friday, printing up portions of plans and creating packets for the boys that show what I do. I was concerned, b/c this is a den full of 9 year olds. I thought by the end of my presentation, that they would topple out of their chairs in boredom. Especially since I'm more of a "hands on" learner myself, I would have rather led another activity. But somehow, by the grace of God, I kept them engaged and interested. I had a couple of the parents tell me that their sons went home excited about what I showed them and even said that my job was "cool". But even better than that, J was quick to share with his PawPaw how good I was that night.

It's one thing to be proud of your kids, but it's an indescribable feeling when they are proud of you. Although I have been so tired from feeling as if I am burning the candle at both ends, I have to say that I DO love my job...the mommy one.

what had happened was...

2011-03-05T08:35:00.004-05:00

So, if you have been following me for a while, you know by now that I have a tendency to drop off the map. I used to think that this was something that I needed to change...mainly b/c I am constantly being told that I NEED to change...and not close myself off so much. But honestly, I don't think that that is what I do. Sometimes, I just like to be to myself and my own thoughts. And if I need to take a vacation from people to clear my head, then that's what I'll do. Only child syndrome in full force, maybe.

With that said, if we're FB friends, I hadn't de-friended you. I de-activated my account right before the new year, so that I could focus on a few things. I didn't really think that this would be a big deal until I started getting calls and emails asking if J and I are ok. I appreciate the concern. And I do plan on re-activating the account sometime after my exam. This was just one of those times when I felt the need to step back from my web presence and be more present in my other relationships and responsibilities.

How are my challenges coming?

Well, unfortunately I got sick last month. What I thought was a cold hung around for 3 weeks and started to set up camp in my lungs. I was finally pushed to go to the doctor after being sent home from work for "sounding like hell". The doc said that I had a touch of pneumonia and opted to put me on antibiotics to take care of it before it got worse. I even argued with her about taking time off from work b/c I had so much to do. It didn't matter b/c the day that I was about to go against her wishes, J caught a stomach bug and I had to stay home anyway. I didn't even have time to be sick b/c no matter how many trash cans I placed in front of him, whenever he felt the urge to vomit, he missed. That was a "fun" day but maybe God's way of forcing me to slow down.

So, I have been playing catch up with my studying ever since. I have a month left until this test and then I'm ready to have my life back.

J and I are still on board to do the 10K on April 2nd. I have been keeping up with my pedometer and working it out all the while I was feeling horrible. My accountability partner at work has been pushing me and that's what I need, even when it annoys me , lol. I am in the middle of another step challenge and I am not the weakest link on my team **wipes brow**. I find that when I go by my friend's house and do the "Michael Jackson Experience", I am burning that pedometer up! (If you have it, that Ghost video is my joint. I "kills" it everytime, lol.) I love that game so much that I have decided to reward myself with it after I take my test.

My hair is coming along. I fell off my weekly routine when I got sick and went 3 weeks without washing and detangling it. I was prepared to comb out enough shed hair to make a wig, but it actually wasn't THAT bad. Since I started detangling with my shower comb and spray bottle of my conditioner/water mix before washing, I have been less stressed. And washing while my hair is still in twists has saved me much of a headache as well. Part of me wishes that I had the kind of hair that I can flip up and down in the water stream and wash it all sexy-like, like they do in the commercials, but it's ok. I like it the way that it is and maintaining it has gotten easier as it grows out. I have been consistent with all of my products, except the deep conditioner. I have tried a couple of homemade mixes and they were ok. I sometimes daydream of auditioning different deep conditioners but my pocket reminds me to stick to what I know. We'll see. But I've discovered that washing with shampoo and detangling every 2 weeks may not be a bad idea. I'm not too keen on spending so much time on my hair.

April: The 10K is on the 2nd. My exam is on the 8th. And then J and I are going back home to the N.O. during his spring break, the third week of April. Looking at my work schedule and everything else going on for the next 2 months, I will have earned my week-long vacay. I am counting down the days!

My dad shipped us a King cake that has been devoured and there is another cream cheese one on the way. Talk about lifted spirits to help me through this time! I may share with some folks, but then again, I may eat it up and walk it off later, lol. Happy Mar.di Gras, N.O.! I may not physically be there, but I'll be there in (good) spirit.

the race

2011-01-23T18:17:00.004-05:00

Can you guess which car is J's? (These were the cars in J's den only).

So, the night before the race, I tried to hammer in the axles and wheels to the car. In the process, I jacked up one of the axles. After fiddling with it waaayyyyy too long (b/c J was downstairs in his room having a ball while I was toying with HIS car), I decided that we were going to go in early, so that I could holla at one of the fellas in the pit crew and get him to help me fix it.

Well, the fella in question claimed that there was nothing wrong with my tire. I asked him to check again, but got the same response. I annoyed him for maybe 15 minutes and then let it go. What was J doing? He was playing with his best friend having a ball while I was toying with his car, lol.

And then there's the race. First round, J won first! Second round, J came in second. Third round, J's car was third. The ship had sunk. I was more dejected than J. But guess who comes in first in the whole pack...the fella in question's son (J's best friend). I smell sabotage, lol.

It was all in good fun. We had a great time regardless and J never allows something like this to negatively affect him.

We stuck around to cheer for his best friend. Lo and behold, the Pack Leader announces the Best in Show award for the WHOLE PACK.

J grinned. I, on the other hand, threw my hands up in victory. The other parents laughed at me, but hey, I was up in the middle of the night painting teeth on that dang thang while J was asleep, probably having a dream about having a ball...while I was toying with his car!

So, in closing...I'd like to thank all the little people that made this possible. 2nd place Scout's Choice last year, 1st place Best in Show this year...I may just start a pinewood derby car painting business. LOL!

challenges

2011-01-18T19:19:00.007-05:00

Much like every new gym membership, I have started a few 2011 challenges. My hope is that everything that I am doing now, leads to lifestyle changes. If not, even if what I do only lasts for 6 months, it's better than having the self-defeatist attitude of "it doesn't make sense to do it, b/c I'm just going to fail." Can't fail before you try and refusing to try is an even bigger failure, IMO.

1. Hair challenge: So, I'm still on this quest to determine the ultimate hair regimen. Last week, I detangled before I washed and GOODNESS, that was a fabulous experience. Made a world of difference. I spritzed with conditioner and water on dry hair, detangled in less than 40 minutes (which is a record for me) and washed and deep conditioned. This weekend, I plan to try a homemade avocado and coconut milk deep conditioner and see if that tops my current one. If so, out with the old and in with the new.

Unfortunately, the "housewarming" scene of "House Hun.ters" got axed, so no one will be able to see my MLK twist out.

(Word on the curb is that the show may air close to my bday sooooo, I will be on the lookout. Don't blink! I only think that J and I will get 30 seconds of airtime, if that.)

Anyways...I am trying to keep my hair stretched during the winter months. Long gone are protective styles as I like wearing my hair out at work.

Yes, I will clean my mirror...one day.

I can't wait until summer rolls around, b/c back to wash n' gos, I go. Although, my curl pattern seems to fight twist outs anyway.

2. Health challenge: Want to know what I don't like? Whenever I express that I want to work out and exercise more, someone always looks me up and down and says, "I don't know why....as slim as you are." Solely focusing on the short term goals of losing weight is why so many people can't seem to keep the weight off. It's a lifestyle choice. Can I live?

So, I must've put that in the atmosphere and now my job has a health program. I have been walking around with this pedometer on my hip, similar to the days when I owned a beeper. I am in the middle of an 11 day challenge of having to walk a minimum of 7000 steps a day. I'm in it to win it. Now the baby saw me walking laps around my daybed (looking crazy b/c I am not about to go outside in the cold, lol). He joined in and then started doing jumping jacks, push-ups, sit ups, and then flexing his muscles. Monkey see, monkey do. He has now become my personal trainer. He made a list of Wii games that we need to stay fit. We're doing a 10K in April (with a coworker), a 5K breast cancer race in May...and of course, another in October. I have a coworker, who doubles as my accountability partner, and another one, who just joined the challenge to beat me. Whatever works, right?

3. Professional challenge: After taking a lot of time off from even thinking about re-taking that PE exam, I think that I am ready to face it again. I didn't sign up for it in October b/c I wasn't mentally focused. I just dropped $300 on an online study course, to help me juggle study time with everything else going on around me, especially bwith baseball season right around the corner. I've already looked at the course outline and I see where I went wrong last year. At any rate, that $300 hurts enough for me to stick to it no matter how intense it seems. My accountability partner at work is signed up for another exam that takes place the day after mine. We are going to be some celebrating women come mid-April. I am too determined to allow my failure to deter me. And if I fail again, I will try again. Even if I decide to do something totally different next year, I am going to take and pass this damn test. This time, it's personal.

4. Financial challenge: So unfortunately, it looks like I will not pay off my student loans by June of this year (as I had written and posted on my corkboard for 4 years now). I'm not far, but I'm not close enough to throw my tax refund at it. Well, I probably am, but I'd rather keep that money in savings or throw it towards my higher interest cc debt (which is small). Sall.ie mae thought that they had me on lock until my baby went to college. Not so. If not by the end of this year, then next year for sure. Prayerfully, when #3 is complete, I can look towards a huge increase that I can use to eliminate the debt altogether.

5. Love? Is that really a challenge? Seems to be one for me. Will love find me in 2011? I don't know. I'm kinda disappointed with my last situation but I don't want to write all of that out here. From that, I can say that I need to learn to be more open-minded. Buuuuuuuuuuuutttt...that mess will not be in the forefront of my mind during the first half of this year. I got too many things to do, lol. So I'll work on that open-mindedness come...uh...July...maybe. My God will gift me with the desires of my heart...one day.

God knows I'm a knucklehead

2011-01-10T18:53:00.003-05:00

It's THAT time of year again! The cubscouts are gearing up for the pinewood derby race. I re-read last year's post about it and I got teary-eyed again.

I had J sketch out what he wanted his car to look like. I'm trying to get him in the habit of planning and executing. Well, this time, he brought his sketch to me and I was shocked to see that he wanted his car to look like Harry Po.tter. The body of the car was in the shape (supposedly) of his favorite character of all time.

Now, I can be a tad bit more hands on than I need to be at times. I try not to take over the whole project but I want to guide him in the direction of success. I explained that the car was too boxy and; whereas, "cute" can win "Scout's Choice", the goal is to win the race. He looked dejected. I applauded him for his creativity (as I always encourage it), but explained that sometimes we get caught up in "looks" and that detours us from the task at hand.

I sketched out another plan, taking into account the best shape to overcome drag and the best place to secure the weights so that the car can go fast. He shook his head in agreement. As far as the design, we can compromise and have it look like a face...can't guarantee that it'll look like Harry Pott.er, but it will look "different". (He still wanted to argue with me on that idea, lol.)

We headed to Lowe's for "cut night" and afterwards, I left him responsible for sanding the car down. Now, that he is more focused on the goal, he has been sanding the mess out of that block. Any moment that he can spare, he's on the case. I find myself watching him when he doesn't know that I'm looking. And when I see him, I see me.

I made a few decisions going into the New Year. One is making me really uncomfortable right now, but for some reason, I know that it's the right thing to do. I can't even see the whole path and the thought of letting go of how I wanted things to be, terrified me. However, I feel as if I'm being directed and shown something better. That "something better" may not happen tomorrow and may not even happen this year, but I can't be concerned with the "looks" of it all in the NOW.

There IS a plan.

And sometimes, I think that God knows that I'm a knucklehead. And He will have me act out these little lessons through other people so that I understand.

At any rate, I don't know what the outcome of this race will be. I'm just glad that J is better at taking direction.

hair challenge: regimen notes #1

2011-01-09T19:33:00.004-05:00

I think that my hair is upset. I can't believe that my Sa.ints lost...well, I can believe it, but I'm just real salty right now. And then the C.olts went down. Honestly, I don't give a damn about the Colts but I do respect Pey.ton Mann.ing. So, in one day both Su.perbowl teams were knocked out of the playoffs. My last hope was the Ea.gles. But I just watched Vick throw an interception with 30 seconds left in the game, sealing it for the Packers. **Huge Sigh** I don't even know who to go for right now, but short term gain, I need the Pac.kers to stomp the Falc.ons and put this nonsense to rest. I'll be happy to NOT see the Fal.cons or the Be.ars in the Su.perbowl and find myself eyeing the Ste.elers. And for this, my hair is angry. This playoff weekend sucked!

Woo-to the-Sah!

So, I am on this 6 month healthy hair challenge, which really should be re-named my Ultimate Regimen Challenge. I have been trying to tweak my regimen so that I can cut my wash, condition, and style time to under 3 hours. However, for the purpose of the healthy hair challenge, I have re-introduced amla and brahmi to my regimen as an experiment to see if my hair health noticeably enhances b/c of continued use. I'm 2 washes in...and fighting.

Of the "spa night" ritual, as I call it, I do not look forward to detangling my hair. I do not have the kind of hair where the tangles just unravel under the shower stream. And I've just discovered that it may be time for me to wash in sections. The main reason that I wanted to go natural was to thicken my hair. Well, I got that...and with that, more work.

Last week, I switched my steps around which was a major fail. If it ain't broke, don't fix it, right? This week, heeding the advice of my favorite blog, I tried oil rinsing to make the detangling easier. I reached for the closest oil to me while in the shower...castor oil. To put it lightly, my hair HATED this. If nothing else, it added more time to my detangling. The Sain.ts loss plus this oil just pissed it off beyond pissivity. I ran out of my Ye.s to Toma.toes and had to settle for one of the three bottles of Ye.s to Cu.cumbers that I hoarded from Ross. (I do this b/c in my mind there could be a major snow storm and I absolutely cannot be snowed in without product...somewhere deep, deep in my mind, that is. :)

I FINALLY finished detangling. Here is where things started to look up. After I finished detangling, I may have had 20 twists in (more than usual, but necessary considering the mess atop my head). FYI - detangling takes me a long time b/c I section, finger detangle most of the huge kinks and then follow up with my wide tooth comb. I realize that a brush may cut down on time, but I would rather not use a brush on my strands. I mix the amla-brahmi mixture and add some coconut oil. I simply apply the mixture to my twists which cut down on a lot of time from last week. Also, since I rinse most of the mud out in my sink to avoid clogging my shower, I didn't have to worry about more tangling when whipping my ha.ir back and forth. Score! This time, I didn't apply my deep condish to the mix b/c my hair was still feeling a little off and had to be moisturized more than usual last week. So, I sat with the mix in my head under the dryer for 30+ minutes, rinsed, and applied deep condish. I then sat back under the dryer for another 30+ minutes to soften my hair. Jury is still out on whether this worked out better b/c I have yet to take my hair down. I was then ready to style.

Things to try next time:

1. Oil rinsing with coconut oil: a kindler, gentler oil.

2. Washing and conditioning in sections.

3. Applying coconut oil directly to twists in lieu of the nightly oil spritz.

Things to throw out!

1. Applying amla-brahmi to loose hair.

2. Oil rinsing with castor oil.

3. Watching the playoffs while doing hair.

I'm getting there. I should have the ultimate reggie by July.

Aside: Last scene for HGTV will be filmed on MLK! My 50 seconds of fame is about to be on and popping, lol! Hopefully, my hair is too.

natural hair journey 2010-2011

2011-01-02T15:46:00.006-05:00

My last hair post was on November 1st. Since then, I made the 18 month mark with my natural hair journey in mid-December. I have enough blog posts to chart my year in hair. So, I'll just post these comparison shots.

This is how I began 2010:

This is how I ended 2010:

It's safe to say that I have retained some length and am apparently doing something right. It's to the point where I cannot wear a scarf (like I did at the Sai.nts-giving get-together above) or a ponytail (directly above) without being asked if I'm wearing a hair piece. Maybe that's a compliment.

To address the questions that I have been asked:

Do I HAVE to big chop to go natural?

No. Do what you're comfortable with. I think that people seem to think that just b/c I did it that I'm a proponent for it. If for some reason, I decided to relax and then go natural again, I will most likely transition until the relaxed length is cut off. I'm glad that I had that experience. But I didn't transition long enough to fully learn my hair. So, I kept cutting the front of my hair, not realizing that it tends to be more wavier than the rest of my hair. In addition, when I got it cut professionally, I had my sides and back faded so that I could have a style. With that, I lost the little bit of length that I had grown during my 3 month transition.

Do I have to have a particular texture in order to go natural?

Hell naw! I'm from N.ew Or.leans but I'm not Cre.ole. I'm mixed with black and blacker. So, the thought that you have to have a loose texture or be biracial or whatever the hell to wear YOUR hair how YOU WANT is craziness. Some of my fam and close friends, rejected the idea from the start. Be strong enough to tell whoever opposes to kick boulders with open toed shoes and keep it moving.

I have gray hair and I'm trying to figure out how to dye it naturally. Any ideas?

Have you researched henna? I henna'ed my hair during the beginning of my journey, but I have not been consistent. I only did it for conditioning purposes but it gave my hair a reddish tint in the sunlight, nothing too drastic. The only reason why I haven't used commercial dyes is b/c I'm allergic to the PPD in them. Personally, I don't see anything wrong with playing with color.

What products do you use? (I apologize for the periods)

Shampoo - She.a Mois.ture Org.anic Yuc.ca and Bao.bab Thick.ening Shampoo

Conditioner - Yes to Tomat.oes

Deep Conditioner - She.a Mois.ture Raw She.a Butte.r Deep Treat.ment Mas.que

Moisturizer - She.a Mois.ture Co.conut and Hib.iscus Cur.l Enhan.cing Smo.othie

Gel - Fr.uit of the Ear.th Aloe Ve.ra Gel

Oils - A spritz of coconut, castor, jojoba, rosemary, and vitamin e oil (I only use at night)

Nothing has really changed, since I'm not a PJ.

So, I was reading my favorite hair blog, of the moment, Mop Top Maven. She is holding a 6-month heal.thy hair challenge. I will most likely be on the sidelines and not officially checked in, but I would like to continue to implement my healthy hair practices and check my progress by July 1st. I have even gotten my friend, Kat, on board (who is now natural) and a coworker (who is relaxed). I will upload pics of me here but form an email ring with them (b/c I still have this thing about keeping my blog semi-personal).

On Thursday, I switched my regimen around. I washed and then deep conditioned. I revisited am.la and brah.mi and mixed them into my deep conditioner with a dollop of castor oil. I then sat under the dryer for about an hour (longer than I intended b/c I got sidetracked while reading hair blogs). I rinsed the majority of the mud out in my sink, so as not to clog my shower drain. I then conditioner washed the rest and proceeded to detangle and style. Let me just say that I will never do that again. Whipp.ing my hai.r back and forth while it was wet just caused the most tangled mess that I've ever had to deal with. After suffering a wicked detangling session, I decided to leave well enough alone.

I allowed my hair to dry in twists all day Friday. I took them down and then went to a Wii - Michae.l Jack.son Exp.erience tournament at my girl's house yesterday. I didn't get home until 12:30am, fooling around with Mike. I got the work out of my LIFE. But where I went wrong was that I was trying to sing along (which isn't required). "Di.rty Di.ana" is my JAM and I kinda overdid it on some improv'ed air guitar, lol. That game goes HARD. But I digress, lol. Needless to say, I sweat, sweat, and sweat again. So, the following pics are a bit grimey, but I wanted to show my starting length on the 1st of the year to compare to the ones that I'll take on July 1st.

Hopefully, I won't get crazy with the regimen tweaking or else my after pics won't look too far off of these. We'll see.

some thoughts on 2010

2010-12-30T19:51:00.004-05:00

Do you ever FEEL yourself changing? Thoughts that used to excite me at the beginning of 2010 don't seem as important (or nearly as enticing) as I look towards 2011. Things that seemed irreparable at some point during the year, now feel whole. And the flip side to that is true as well. Even without writing as often as I used to, I have learned a few things about myself. I certainly believe that I have grown in some areas. And those others...well, obviously I'm not ready yet and it's not pressing enough for me to work on.

Being protective of my spirit is the #1 thing that has served me well in 2010.

1. The best thing that I did this year was to stop talking to my dad. Now, that sounds horrible. But he knew that I meant business. He doesn't support me financially, we don't live in the same city, and we never had that Hallma.rk card relationship. Realizing that I have separated myself from him before and that it would cost me nothing to do it again, he has been courting my affection. There hasn't been one cross word between us since that letter and our relationship seems to be on the incline.

2. I also had issues with a negative coworker. I noticed that she would constantly complain about ANOTHER coworker but would never confront them. I realized that this person does this because I make myself available and that had to cease with her and anyone else wanting to use me as their dumping ground.

3. Manipulative people. There's only so much blame that I'm going to take for a sour situation. I no longer accept being the reason why someone else feels bad. A person can do or say something that you don't like, but you have a choice as to how you react. If I have SINCERELY apologized, in my head, it's done. But if it's still going on in someone else's head, I probably have pulled the disappearing act by now. The funny thing about this is that I think that God puts me on the other side of the situation to show me how foolish I was in the past.

4. Church. Although it's only a portion of the spiritual nourishment that I need. I always felt refreshed while exiting the church doors.

It's only the 30th, but I've already begun to "clean house". Yes, I know that there are some people out there that don't believe in resolutions or that it makes no sense to hinge spiritual and emotional shifts on the first of the year. To that, I say, some of us need a starting point. Whether that's Monday, the 1st of the month, the day after Thanksgiving, or the New Year, motivation has to come from somewhere. I like to take this time to reflect and make modifications where necessary. Get in how you fit in. And that's what I'm doing.

It's been a great year. It can only get better.

fame - I'm gonna live forever

2010-11-11T20:27:00.003-05:00

I'm so bad at reporting stale news...

Anyway, if you have followed me for a length of time, then you may have taken note that interior design is a passion of mine. In another life, that might be my path. In THIS life, I enjoy making my home a warm and comfortable haven for me and the kid. With this said, it has been my DREAM to be on HGTV.

Last weekend, I got the chance. Not necessarily how I envisioned it, but once it airs and I bask in my 50 seconds of fame, it'll feel just the same.

A friend of mine (and her man) sent in an audition tape for "Hou.se Hun.ters" and was selected to be on the show. She bought a townhouse no more than 5 minutes away from me. She moved from a nice apartment near my other friend in a county clear across town. The apartment complex; however, would not sign off on the release form to be filmed. Filming your current location is a necessary segment of the program...without it, it's a no-go. After asking a few people (who either lived in an apartment themselves or had Homeowner's Associations that were against the idea as well), she finally found a kind-hearted soul that wanted nothing more than to help her fulfill her dream.

Well, not quite...

She found me, someone who has an HGTV agenda too! Of course, there was some discussion as I did have concerns, but those were soon ironed out. Last weekend, we filmed the first few scenes for, dare I say, MY future episode, lol.

I wore my special flower so that the cameramen had a visual tool to help them remember my "good side". I was ready to do some bargaining...more like, begging. I tried everything. Pitched an idea for a new show, "Design Without a Damn Thing". I even suggested that Canda.ce Ols.en have a shorter, more tan cohost to liven up Di.vine Des.ign. I also offered to film a sweet message for that hot guy with a hammer, Car.ter Oos.terhouse. Can you believe that the producer was not receptive to my award winning (minus the heart winning) ideas?

She wasn't receptive, but she was surely impressed with my humble abode. I think that I have said this before: my house is much like me - small but full of personality. She walked around every room with a smile. I just knew that I was a shoe-in for something. Nope, nada. The cameraman did complement me on my hair...and told me that I didn't have a bad side. Flatterer. He must've known that I was still hot over his boy tracking sh*t on my carpet...the same light shade of carpet that I am particularly anal about keeping clean.

Anyway, I filmed 2 scenes. One of me, my girlfriend, her man, and J standing around my table making snacks and talking "must haves" about house hunting. J even got into the act. He was prompted to say a few lines, but I think that he missed the part where he was supposed to PRETEND to eat the sandwich...not inhale it. I didn't realize just how much "acting" is required for these reality shows, but after my experience, I am certain that the Real Hous.ewives of Any.thing is 60 minutes of falsehood.

The other scene that I was in took place in my neighborhood. I was jogging with my girlfriend. It looked a little weird for us to be following behind a truck with a cameraman hanging out of it, but that wasn't the worst of it. Somehow, I forgot that I am not a jogger. I know that the guy monitoring the mics was catching hell with my ashmatic breathing only after a few minutes in motion. These hills are no joke. As soon as the truck turned around, I collapsed on the ground. Hopefully, that ends up on the cutting room floor. :)

We still have to shoot the final scene sometime...as sort of a housewarming party. I won't get excited about actually being on HGTV until I verify that I don't look crazy, J doesn't look crazy, and my house doesn't look crazy. So, I will have to view the first airing before I give anyone the heads up that my 50 seconds is about to start.

J, on the other hand, told EVERYBODY that he was on TV. One girl wanted his autograph. His other friends were excited for him and 2 even said that they already saw him. Kids.

Anyway, it was a fun way to spend a Saturday. Crossing fingers that this could be the start of something new. HA! I'm gonna be a STAR-UH!

go go gadget hair

2010-11-01T20:35:00.004-04:00

I have been natural for 16 months...I think. I would have to say that one of the more interesting things about being natural is how I can change my length from day to day without cutting or adding extensions. A coworker commented on my hair today, noticing that it looked longer than normal.

My favoite styles are these...

I twisted my hair but released them while my hair was very damp. In fact, I don't think that my hair completely dried until around noon.

Another twist set that wasn't allowed to dry. I prefer these b/c my hair looks fuller.

And again...get the picture?

But THIS (twists allowed to actually dry...go figure) will get more compliments than...

...THIS. I guess that I prefer my frizzy moments and shrinkage. I think the other set is so...droopy.

Lately, I haven't had the desire to wear twists for any longer than half a day it seems, but I found an updo/compromise that I like.

I have been keeping this style in for at least 2 days, so I'm getting better. I felt like having longer hair this week.

And this has been how I have been wearing my hair for the past couple of months. I haven't tried any new products and my regimen has been "get in where I fit in". I refuse to allow styling to take over my life, lol. So, nothing exciting and new to report. I have been rather uninspired lately. I guess the honeymoon phase is over for me.

forgive...and forget?

2010-10-13T01:38:00.004-04:00

I know that I haven't written. It's football season...my motherly duties are in full swing...out enjoying life...I don't know, pick one or all.

But it IS 1:40AM. And I'm currently sitting in front of my computer. I don't know what time I fell asleep, but it was pretty early. The consequences of that: having a horrible dream about "ole dude." I do not remember all the details, but in the dream, I had such contempt for him. Everytime I looked at him, I just KNEW that whatever he was about to say was either going to be a lie or something extremely hurtful. What bothers me is that I'd prefer that he not resurface in reality or in my dreams, years after our demise. I did not go to bed thinking about him. Honestly, I haven't really thought about him in a while.

So, what triggered the dream?

This past weekend, I attended a beautiful outdoor wedding. My friend Tee renewed her vows after being married to B for 8 months. It was a gorgeous day, wonderfully original ceremony, and even my son shed his shyness for a riveting karaoke performance of Bi.lly J.ean complete with hat tips and spins. We had a blast. However, I ran into "Uncle Jesse" there (sorry, not in the mood to find old links). At first I didn't recognize him b/c he had cut off most of his hair and was wearing sunglasses. When I realized who he was, my first thought was how in the world can I avoid this dude for 5-6 hours. Believe me, I tried. I tapdanced all around that backyard, trying to make sure that we weren't in conversation distance.

Soon, he approached me. I hadn't seen him in over a year and a half. I don't know what kind of vibe I was giving off, but I'm sure that it wasn't inviting. He asked me about my "new" job and my son. I don't recall asking him anything about his life. I guess b/c I didn't care. And I was soon saved by being dragged away to join some friends. I was relieved b/c smiling was difficult for me. I saw his lips moving, but all I thought about was how selfish and cruel he was. He tried to speak to me on 2 other occasions during that night and both times, someone else intervened and I could never finish the conversation. Perhaps that was divine intervention.

I'm sure that this had something to do with my dream tonight...my issues with forgiveness. But here's the thing, I didn't think that I had issues with forgiveness. I said to myself countless times that I forgive, but I don't forget. But for 2 days, I have been walking around with half a Scripture in my head. I'm giving myself waaaayyyyyy too much credit...it was a third of a scripture, lol. I didn't know where it came from...wasn't sure that it really existed until I said, "Fine, Lord, I'll look it up! LOL!"

I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for My own sake; and I will not remember your sins. Put Me in remembrance; let us contend together; state your case, that you may be acquitted.” (Isaiah 43:25-26)

I don't think that my problem is with forgetting. As long as I am not in contact with someone, I can forget. I really can't be friends with people that I used to date, who've hurt me a great deal. So if we're not friends, we're good. The problem is with my remembrance. When I am reunited with these people for one reason or another, my mind becomes flooded with every ill word and garbage situation. "Ole dude" and I have tried to be friends in the past, but honestly, I don't know why I even thought that was possible or, better yet, a good idea. Maybe I was trying to convince myself that I'd matured. But now I think that I'm mature enough to say that "ole dude" and "Uncle Jesse" are probably good men/friends to someone else, but they were not good to me. I'm giving them credit for changing, but I'm accepting the fact that they were only here for a season (and perhaps even a reason) for me.

Now, can I go on with my life without having to see or think of them again???

update

2010-09-21T19:40:00.000-04:00

So, from the pics of the baptism, it is obvious that I HAD to speak to my dad again sometime, right?

Thanks to everyone that read and commented on the "dear daddy" post. I go through these phases while blogging. If I write something random, funny, or shallow, I don't think twice about it. But when I write about something that's close to my heart or close to my hurt, I feel too exposed. Oftentimes, I don't come near my blog. I take a mini-break to regroup and write something surficial to balance out the blog vibes and to keep me from deleting the post.

But back on topic, I didn't stay in the N.O. long. The first day, I didn't say much to my dad at all. So you can imagine how awkward that is when he was the one that picked me up from the airport. I kept my attention on J, which was easy b/c he was trying to condense his whole summer into a 30 minute conversation. Aside from the car ride, I kept my distance and I could sense that he was keeping his. I got the impression that he didn't know what to say to me. My greatest concern was that my stepmother would approach me and want to discuss the letter. She tends to play the peacemaker role.

The day of J's baptism; however, we broke silence. When he spoke to me, he talked slow and chose his words carefully. I guess that's what I wanted even if it looked as if he struggled. When he dropped J and I off at the airport, he unloaded our bags out of the truck and bent down to kiss me. I turned my cheek towards him.

Since then, he randomly texts me during the day to tell me that he loves me. That should probably make me feel good; but honestly, it makes me uncomfortable. The first time that he did it, I texted a girlfriend to ask if it were possible to tell when someone is sending a text to multiple numbers. It's sad to think that it's so foreign for my own father to tell me that he loves me that I have to investigate why he's telling me that. It's hard. When you don't hear those words spoken growing up, the response "I love you too" doesn't exactly roll off my tongue with ease. Especially when someone's words doesn't match up with their actions, it lacks authenticity. My girlfriend kept telling me to give my father the benefit of the doubt. I did, but I didn't tell him that I loved him back.

The texts became more frequent. And then there was one about him valuing me as his daughter. That one threw me for a loop. I honestly thought that my stepmother was either telling him what to say or even typing it for him.

My heart is so hardened that I don't know what to do. We can talk about football, J, the weather, the price of gas, but verbally expressing affection makes me physically feel some kind of way. I see he's making an effort, at least. And I'm sure that this is what I wanted, but why do I need more time? I guess that I'm waiting on him to turn back to the regularly scheduled program.

making it do what it do

2010-09-05T21:22:00.001-04:00

I've had J back for a week now, and just like that, life has returned to normal. I had my fun participating in Happy Hours in the middle of the week (unheard of), doing some salsa, and last-minute trips. But having my baby back really keeps me sane. He will turn 9 y/o on Tuesday, the first day of school, so I took him to Laser Tag to celebrate last night and we had a ball! My thighs still hurt from running up and down those ramps. While there, a friend of mine commented on my hair, saying that she was shocked that it was so curly and she was trying to figure out how I got it to do what it does.

Had I worn a wash n' go, the answer would've been simple...I wash, shake, and go. But lately, I have been going hard on these Sh.ea Mois.ture products, trying to perfect my twistouts. I'm in a phase, now, where I refuse to wear my twists in public. I was fine with doing that all winter last year, but for some reason, I just do not like the way that I look with them. And secondly, I just do not want to devote the time to doing mini-twists anymore. As I've said before, I've spent a great deal of this summer doing wash n' gos. But lately, I have been opting for 10-12 big twists, left to dry overnight. I then take them down and fluff.

When I went back home, I don't think that I relaxed for 5 minutes before my stepmother started bombarding me with natural hair questions. She has been natural for at least 10 years, but her style has ranged from baby locks to a fade, with a texturizer in between. She is currently growing out a faded up texturizer. And since she is my FB friend and commonly sees me post pics of my hair every now and again, she also wanted to know how I get my hair to do what it does. And honestly, I have no clue. I'm trying to figure out what's happening.

I love this Cur.l Enh.ancing smoothie so much that I have been putting in time trying to figure out the best technique for achieving predictable, fabulous hair days. What sealed the deal for this being a staple product is that the above pic was taken back home, while sitting on the porch for hours as it rained. While my stepmother wanted to talk products, I decided to do an experiment in between. In my mind, if my hair can survive N.O. humidity, then there is nothing in this world that we can't conquer together. My roots puffed up, but you had to put your fingers in it to feel (I had my "friend" do that for me ;-D)

But here's the thing...those 10-12 big twists never dry in time for me to get ready for work. I've tried it on dry hair with aloe vera gel and even after 10 hours or so, my hair is still damp. Yet, I take the twists out...b/c I have to. At that point, I have some definition, but my hair is mostly droopy and limp. An hour or so after that, my hair dries completely (I guess b/c it's out and the twists tend to retain moisture). When it dries, my hair is way more defined and moisturized. To me, it doesn't look much different from my wash n gos though...aside from it having more body and shine. It is more voluminous than my normal twistouts, which I had begun to dislike. I was beginning to wonder if my natural curl pattern is fighting whatever stretched look I'm attempting to achieve. My hair stays moisturized for days. I haven't had to do my oil spritz at night in a while. It seems as if I have reached some happy hair medium, but I can't figure out if keeping my hair damp when I twist out is what's achieving these results.

I'm going to keep playing around with it. I guess that I'm not comfortable with the idea of accidental good hair days.

Do you have a technique or regimen that works for you everytime?

old dirty bastard

2010-09-02T21:02:00.001-04:00

My former employer hired a senior level (over 20 years of experience) designer in my department almost a year and a half after I began working there. I was one of the 2 females in my department (as usual) and also the youngest. Old Dirty Bastard (ODB) was a very knowledgeable guy and soon became my source for answers to any questions that I had. He was the most accessible and ODB was more than happy to serve as a mentor.

He would compliment me often. One day, he liked my dress. The next, my hair. Initially, I dismissed his statements. I foolishly thought that they were innocent since I've been complimented at work before. He would drop by my cube under the guise that he was checking up on me and making sure that I had everything under control. Then one day, I came to work and found a note on my keyboard. It said that he was sorry that he missed my birthday lunch and he wanted to treat me to lunch on that day. I didn't think anything of it and was more than willing to be treated to lunch, 2 days in a row.

We went to a nearby restaurant. He drove. First mistake. For an hour, I listened to him tell tales of his youth, his home life, his teenage kids, and wife. He tried to paint the picture that he was a rebel or a bad boy. I should've been clued in at that moment. During the drive back, he pulled out a Prince CD from his collection. Anybody that knows me, knows that I'm a Prince fan (and it probably tipped him off when I dressed like Prince for the company party). He played a track and then in the middle of it, he says,

"You know, Prince has this song that makes me horny everytime I hear it."

He repeatedly pressed the "search" button, while the other hand remained on the wheel. I couldn't speak. I was in shock. I DID see the office in clear view through the car window and couldn't wait until he parked, so that I could do the Du.kes of Haz.zard roll on the hood and get far enough away from him. It was pretty clear then. Those times when he would ask what I was doing on the weekend had nothing to do with him trying to make sure that I knew of every event going on in Rich.mond. I started mentally counting how many times he would find an excuse to touch my arm. And then I thought of that time when he startled me while I was walking down the hall and felt it necessary to touch my back. And then there was those times, when he would leave random things on my desk.

I struggled with reporting him b/c I thought that my dismissal of every instance that he crossed the line made it my fault. Had I been firm with my disapproval of his compliments, it would have never gotten that far. I should've never said "thank you". I should've never smiled. Working in a male-dominated industry, I have heard and seen a great many things. I've had female coworkers that have reported cases of sexual harrassment and have watched as the female is labeled as uptight (to put it nicely), while the man got a slap on the wrist.

From then on, I decided to avoid him as much as I could. This was VERY difficult since we worked in the same department. The one time that I broke silence, he took full advantage of that. That's when he said,

"Why don't you come and sit on my lap?"

This time, there were other guys around. Some of them snickered. I walked away. I remember being so upset that day. I talked to my friends on the job and told them what happened. One urged me to report him. Two others acknowledged his creepiness. And the other two were in just as much shock as I was to even respond.

For some reason, I didn't report him then. I can't say that it was embarrassment. Then again, maybe it was. I just wanted to disappear. I stopped wearing dresses and anything that I thought would draw attention.

And then one day, we had a department meeting. As I sat there, he blew a kiss at me across the conference room table...in front of my supervisor, no less. Yes, he reached a new level of boldness. My supervisor looked away. ODB said, "I guess that I shouldn't have done that. Very inappropriate, hunh?" And that's when I went from embarrassed and ashamed to outright angry. I had an overwhelming desire to stomp ODB clean in the nuts. How did I get here?

After the meeting, I went back to my desk. Too busy fuming to do any work. Finally, I requested a meeting with my supervisor. I brought up what just happened (since he chose to look away) and told him of the other times that I was made to feel uncomfortable, minus the car incident. At first, he looked as if he didn't know what to say. But then, I read the look in his eye as his not wanting to be involved. He informed me that ODB had come to him. ODB told my supervisor that I didn't see eye to eye with him. He made it seem like I was unwilling to work with him. Well, I couldn't deny that.

He gave me an option. I could either drop it or give him the ok to move forward with reporting it to HR. I asked of the outcome. ODB would have a note in his file. I thought, "What in the f*** is a note going to do???" I though, afterwards, ODB would most likely make my job a living hell...as if it had not gotten to that point anyway. It started to seep into my personal life as he tried to friend request me on FB. After blocking him, he would mention it everytime he saw me. He would say, "I'm just trying to be your friend."

I know that I've mentioned what I've just written before in previous blogs, here and there. I don't think that I went into as much detail. I'm not sure of what's more embarrassing...the fact that it happened and I didn't report it immediately or my detailing what happened for others to view and judge. One of the main reasons that I was bitter after the layoffs was b/c the company kept him and let me go. The same supervisor that I'd confided in was the same one that made that decision. The morning after, ODB started requesting my phone number from my coworker friends, claiming that he just wanted to make sure that I was okay.

Last week, my team leader (a female) came to me and asked me if I knew ODB. My body froze. She explained that he had submitted his resume to the company and it was currently in review. I hesitated, at first, not sure if I should get that deep. But then I thought, "I'll be damned if this asshole gets another chance at making me uncomfortable. Not here." I told her what happened, amongst other things. She understood my feelings, having experienced a similar situation before. I asked that she not tell my director in as much detail. She said that she would just tell him that she didn't get a good recommendation for ODB.

I prayed that this situation would be over. Then, a couple of days ago, my team leader called me into a conference room. She told me that the director was looking to hire ODB b/c our department is in need. She let me know that she shared the other things that I said b/c she wanted to insure that this situation wouldn't happen to me again She didn't want to risk losing me. My director understood and as far as I know, this is a done deal.

Today, I got a text from a former coworker. ODB was fired. I don't know why, but I guess that he saw it coming and that's why he was floating resumes. I feel not one ounce of sympathy. I never got a chance to physically stomp him in the nuts, but blackballing him feels just as nice.

the baptism

2010-09-01T21:07:00.005-04:00

I went back home to the N.O. last week for a very special day. J decided over the summer (sometime in July) that he wanted to be baptized. I kept asking him if he knew what that meant...asking if anyone coerced him to do it...asking him if he was sure. He was unbreakable. So, on August 29th (yes, the 5 year anniversary of Ka.trina), J was baptized.

He was so excited the whole day.

Baptized by his grandfather, a deacon of the church. I would like to get this photo touched up and sketched (by an artist greater than I). I think that this would make a pretty cool picture to put up in his room.

Right before taking his first communion,

This was the same man that christened him 8 years ago.

Taking the Lord's supper.

Accepting his certificate.

Proud momma!

He smelled this cake in the house the night before.

Bling 1.

Bling 2.

Bling bling.

Kids grow up so fast...his christening (May 19th, 2002).

not quite obsessed, but in "like"

2010-08-22T16:30:00.002-04:00

Even though my flat ironing experience was less than stellar, I've at least overcome my fear of adding direct heat to my hair. However, for every humid day that we had last week, I was worried ENTIRELY too much about my hair. It did revert a little, so I'm glad that I twisted it up after I flat ironed it. It served me well to camouflage the poof with ringlets here and there.

So, I haven't really been a fan of my hair lately. I don't hate it. It's just that everytime I think about another detangling session, I get a little annoyed. This used to be fun when I had less hair. Now, it's a chore.

I have been talking to another natural friend of mine, who suggested that I try Miss Je.ssie's. One of my girls gave me a sample of the "curly meringue" last year. I used it and loved it the day that I applied it. The day after, was a whole 'nother horrible story. So I've avoided it. But I happened to be in Targ.et the other day and said that I would just look at another option. I saw a $58 price tag and couldn't swallow. The product may last forever for all I know, but I just couldn't justify that investment right now. So instead, I picked up another She.a Moistur.e product.

Shampoo isn't really a product must-have for me. I have used Giovanni 50:50, which was pretty decent. When I ran out of that, I decided to try the Gio.vanni Tea Tree Tin.gle and I was less of a fan. For that shampoo to not have sulfates, my hair felt stripped to the core. I bought Trader's Joe's Nour.ishing Spa and I felt as if it were the best shampoo that I had tried since transitioning. But then, I picked up Sh.ea Mois.ture's Thicke.ning Sham.poo (as if I need a thickening shampoo when I just complained about my detangling sessions). BUT, I couldn't pass up the ingredients. Goodness, that was THE MOST delightful shampooing session that I've had, lol. I am becoming a huge fan of the product line. Unlike before, I wasn't running to the conditioner immediately to soothe my frazzled hair. My hair loved it. I'm still a Yes to Cu.cumbers/Toma.toes fan, but I went BACK to Tar.get and picked up the Sh.ea Mois.ture Thickening Con.ditioner, the Thicken.ing spray (that I hadn't quite figured out how I plan to use), and more of the Deep Trea.tment Mas.que. If all goes well, I might back away from the Yes to Cu.cumbers line.

Last night, I decided to braid my dry hair. I saturated my strands with aloe vera gel and then added a little more of the Cur.l En.hancing Smoothie to each braid. Once finished, I sprayed my braids with a jojoba oil mixture and went to sleep.

I took the braids out this morning before church. Again, I have bounce and a nice sheen. My hair was even more voluminous than this picture shows. I think that I am FINALLY falling back in love with my hair (although the jury is still out on whether I prefer braidouts to twistouts). I went to another game night on Friday and people kept touching and commenting on my hair. I think that I just might be on to something. I haven't used gel and I haven't pulled my hair back in a puff and I believe that my hair is thanking me for that as well. I think that I will keep using the Sh.ea Moisture products and see where my hair's health stands by Dec.ember.

fried and laid to the side

2010-08-15T14:23:00.002-04:00

My hair posts have been few and far between b/c I haven't been doing anything new and exciting with my hair. Constantly taking/showing pics of a wash n' go is not really saying anything other than look at me.

But this weekend, I decided to tackle my fear of flat ironing. Actually, I experimented with a few things this weekend.

First, I washed, conditioned, and set in spiral rollers. However, I didn't roll my hair in a spiral direction. I was trying to see if these rollers would stretch my roots out, so that it would be possible for me to do a roller wrap.

FAIL!

Second, I decided to blow dry my extremely shrunken hair after I came from under the hair dryer. After that (which didn't take more than 10 minutes), I flat ironed using my Pro.claim heat protectant.

FAIL!

Well, it didn't look bad. It was just HUGE! I didn't take pics...have no good reason other than my being disappointed and not interested in trying to hunt down my camera. My hair was certainly longer than I thought it was. But after blow dring and frying, my hair felt like straw. Just plain ole crispy.

So, instead of washing it out, I picked up my trusty She.a Mois.ture Cur.l En.hancing Smoothie and Jo.joba oil (that I forgot I even had). Remember, I have been trying to figure out how to use this smoothie b/c it was so frickin' moisturizing that I didn't want to let it go. I slathered it on my fried hair and twisted it up for church.

I have bounce, shine, and its so ridiculously soft that I can't stop touching it! A little more defined than I wanted but its cool. I think that I realized the error of my ways. My hair already takes forever to dry, so when I do wet twists and add the Shea Moi.sture it prolongs the drying time so when I take them down while I'm getting ready for work, disaster awaits. But I think that it works best for me on dry hair. So I will try this again next week. If it works, then I'm leaving the wash n' gos behind for a while. I won't expect my hair to be as elongated but I look forward to it being soft and poofy.

I'm also on a challenge to give up my Eco Styler gel...but we'll see where that takes me. Puffs are my fave hairstyle.

august showers

2010-08-09T21:25:00.001-04:00

Lawd t'day...I can already tell that it's going to be one of THOSE weeks. I was at work until 7:15pm tonight, determined to finish up one project today, so that I can finally start another one tomorrow. And something tells me that I'm gonna spend half of tomorrow putting out fires with other projects. I am just a tad bit overwhelmed at the moment.

My mind must be somewhere else b/c this morning I got up, got dressed, left the house, and stayed productive until 10am before I realized that I forgot to put my bra on. Who does that??? I wore a new blouse and I kept saying to myself that its fitting kinda weird. I mean, I had absolutely no clue until I went to habitually adjust my bra strap, only to discover that there was not one to be found. Talk about embarrassed. Now, my girls may not be big enough to notice, but I felt saggy all day and just kept telling myself to walk light. Still in disbelief over my absent-mindedness.

I spent the weekend showering. I went to a bridal shower and a baby shower on Saturday. I enjoyed the cute little finger foods and the cute little games with the cute little stories and the cute little gifts, but I needed to decompress after all of that cuteness. My girl, Kat, was having a game night (b/c Navy was in town). I was good for a while. We played dominoes and spades, but then came the boardgame of Life. Now, the Life that I played as a child is no where near the version of Life that's out now. Anyway, I kept losing a turn and spinning 1s and 2s. Everyone else was on a whole 'nother side of the board and I was the LAST to get married, the LAST to establish my career, and the LAST to have kids. Excluding the kid part, this game was starting to mimick how I felt about my actual life, lol. But then again, I won in the end. So maybe being slow on my milestones is not so bad.

When I was at the baby shower, the guest of honor kept asking me questions about diet restrictions, high-tech baby gadgets, and even the dos and donts about caring for a newborn. I didn't realize how much has changed in 9 years. I was looking at a baby monitor with all these different bells and whistles, but 9 years ago, my baby monitor was my ear. I might've even been given a baby monitor but I don't recall using it. I really don't recall sleeping through the night during that first year with J. Even when HE started sleeping through the night, I would get up to watch him take at least 2 breaths before I went back to sleep. A few times, I held a mirror up to his nose b/c I was just that paranoid.

My girlfriend said that her doctor gave her an exhaustive list of foods she couldn't have. My doctor told me to ease up on the blue cheese dressing and caffeine in moderation. That's all I really remember. It didn't matter b/c by the end of my pregnancy all I wanted were a jar of olives/pickles and lemonade...and I think that I got real pissed when someone (in an attempt to be nice) didn't bring me the Coun.try Ti.me lemonade. I was even particular about the brand.

I would like a do over, one day. I want to be all overjoyed when I find out that I'm pregnant instead of being slightly disoriented when the stick went from clear to magenta in 30 seconds. I want to buy all the cute maternity clothes and take professional photos, with J rubbing my belly...oh, and I guess a daddy will be in there somewhere. I want the joys of pregnancy, but I don't know how I'll survive that newborn period again.

Anywya, here's one of the cute stories: The mom-to-be didn't want to know the sex of the baby. Dad, on the other hand, did. When they went for the ultrasound, mom requested that the technician write down the sex of the baby and seal it in an envelope. They decided to have a family get-together. The mom-to-be went to a bakery and requested a special cake. She handed them the envelope and instructed them to open it. If the paper says that it's a girl, then they were to put pink filling in the middle of the cake. And if it's a boy, then blue. When the family came over, everyone found out the sex of the baby at the same time once they cut the cake...cheers, applause, a drammatic moment for all, lol.

Now, doesn't that make you just want to run out and get pregnant??? LOL. I'm sure that if my breasts swole up to the size that they were when I was pregnant, there would be no way in hell that I'd forget to wear a bra.

finally

2010-08-03T22:04:00.000-04:00

Guess what? The baby (yes, he's still my baby even though he's a month away from being 9 y/o) has been in Flori.da with his father for the past week and a half. And I didn't die, cry, hyperventilate, fall out, or have heart palpitations. He's heading back to his PawPaw in N.ew Orl.eans tomorrow afternoon.

I did get sick last week and can you believe that this child REFUSED to come back and nurse me back to health? I mean, does Mic.key Mou.se feed and clothe him? As far as his even caring, I recall him telling me that I need to turn the A/C off so that I don't catch a cold and he also asked about the flavor of my meds. I chalk it up to his having a lot going on out there and not much time to compose his thoughts.

But I can say one thing...the fact that he was having fun with his father perked me up out of my summer funk.

This was a first and a long time coming.

But let me tell you another reason why I was beaming. MY father was probably sitting in Ha.waii (yes, he went to Ha.waii with his church last week) eating crow and a whole heap of it!

Before, he was talking MUCH sh*t about J's dad. Talking 'bout how he 's not going to come through...talking 'bout how he puts everything else before his son...talking 'bout how he doesn't have an idea of what it means to be a father. He says that last line SO MUCH that it takes the WHOLE armor of God to keep me from spitting, "AND what in da hell do YOU know about being a father? And if that ain't the pot calling the m*****f***in' kettle black!"

Whew! I'm composed...

Don't get me wrong. I often think those things, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I want to sit and listen to him gripe about it. I had been in constant communication with J's dad, explaining to him how much this trip means to J. I put it in no uncertain terms that if he didn't come through...that that was his ass. Period. We had many talks over the course of the month that even went deeper than the trip. He said a lot of things that actually made me question if he finally gets it. If he finally understands the type of commitment that transcends beyond mailing a video game everytime J calls.

No, he doesn't have the best track record, but for some reason, I said "...starting today, we're gonna wipe the slate clean. I will not pre-judge you based on your past. I will give you a chance to prove your word."

MY dad, on the other hand, didn't want to be stressed about it and kept hounding me to tell J that he wasn't going to Flo.rida.

But guess what...he's wrapping that trip up as I type. The baby needs this time. He even got a little bass in his voice over the phone. This trip has me thinking. There will be some changes come next summer and I can tell who will be the first to be unhappy about it.

can it get ANY worse???

2010-07-28T23:17:00.001-04:00

Yes, it can.

Tonight, I had dinner with some ladies from 2 jobs ago. Out of the 8 of us that showed up, only 2 of us left that job by choice (me and another lady in my department). The rest were swapping stories about being laid-off, who was still there, and the current financial state of that company. But in the end, all of us were in a better place...even though my lay-off was delayed until my next job. All I recall was sluggishly getting up in the morning, having to drive 45 minutes to a job that I grew to hate. I liked the people, but the work (or lack thereof) was unsatisfactory.

Anyway, I sat next to an older, white lady that I used to shoot the breeze with in the mornings. She would look out for me anytime another department had doughnuts, so I could do some quick ninja-like movements and beat the crowd. I believe that she favored me b/c we often bonded over our fondness for Pri.nce.

I hadn't seen her in 4 years.

Someone made a comment about loving her hair. She responded that she was just so happy that it grew back after her surgery.

This was a case where I wanted to know the backstory, but I didn't want to be intrusive...but I still REALLY wanted to know.

Someone else asked.

Thank God, b/c I was dying inside.

She said that she'd give us the short and sweet story.

A while back, she had a procedure done that essentially tied off the arteries supplying blood to her fibroids. She had a scheduled check-up some weeks later, but while in the parking lot at her doctor's office, she passed out next to her car. A police officer happened to see her and rushed to her aid. It turns out that she had an infection, related to that procedure, which spread into her bloodstream and she had gone into septic shock. She was informed that if she hadn't been under medical care that she probably would've died within 18-24 hours b/c the infection was spreading to her organs.

The doctors refused to perform surgery b/c of her condition, so they pumped her with a high dosage of antibiotics, which treated the infection. However, her veins collapsed in the process and she then developed a blood clot. Once the infection was treated, it was necessary that she have a hysterectomy...but she also needed a blood transfusion.

She cried out to God, "Can it get any worse?"

Surgery successful. She goes back to the doctor's office to get the staples removed. However, her doctor shares more news. Apparently, she had a very aggressive and rare form of cancer and it was speculated that she had 6 months to a year to live.

The doctor explains that he'd still like her to do ch.emo and radia.tion treatments. While processing this, she scrambles to change all of her insurance forms and gets things in order. She comes to accept her prognosis but finds comfort in the fact that she's accomplished everything in life that she wanted to.

Her friends frantically prayed for her. In fact, they were still on their knees from the beginning. She goes back to the doctor and he says...

"I don't know how to tell you this. I've had 4 other doctors look at your records and they can't explain it. There doesn't seem to be any cancer in your body. I've read about this happening in medical school once, but you're the first patient that I've actually witnessed."

She just celebrated her 50th birthday.

I sat there as she spoke, eyes glazed over, mouth ajar. I rubbed her arm. She tilted her head towards mine. I think that she thought that I was consoling her, but actually, I just wanted to touch what I perceived to be a miracle.

I learned a long time ago to never ask if life could get any worse. Damn if this story doesn't put a great many things into perspective...

this weekend

2010-07-25T17:39:00.001-04:00

Yesterday, I drove up to northern VA to visit my best friend, who is a mommy now. She wasn't due until early September, but baby Jor.dan decided that he had better things to do than to be curled up in a womb all day. She had been in the hospital for a few weeks with early contractions. I have to admit that I was so worried b/c she had a high risk pregnancy due to her own health issues. Well, she gave birth on Tuesday and everything was great with her and her new baby boy. God is good. Focusing on my girl and her fam has been a nice mental break.

I went to Babi.es R' Us and suffered temporary insanity as I started throwing the whole store in the basket. I don't know why I even bothered to print out her registry. I might've gotten one thing off of it, but there were so many things that I thought the child should have. As for her baby shower that was planned for the first week in August...I don't know. Her husband informed ME of the date, so I guess that meant that either he or someone that she's close to up there is planning it. I'll probably go back in the next couple of weeks anyway. All of my friends tend to be spread out across the country (and tend to move around almost every 3 or so years) so I'm just glad that we live in close proximity during this season of our lives.

We had a guest pastor this morning. It's sad, b/c if had I known that ahead of time, I might've skipped. I still received the Word. There was this tall, nice-smelling, man that walked in and sat next to me while I was praying. When I opened my eyes and peeped him in my peripheral vision, I was trying to figure out how to look at him...without looking at him. Leave it up to a black church to tell you to turn to your neighbor and tell him...something, anything, When I did, I thought that he looked alright. But then I heard him sing along with the praise team, clap furiously, and truly get into the service. Then, when he started speaking in tongues, my curiosity was peaked. But I swear I heard this dude say, "...ma-ma-say-ma-ma-sah-ma-ma-coo-sah, you da MAN!" I started laughing and then I thought that maybe that was God's way of directing my attention back on Him, lol.

Distractions, both a blessing and a curse.

and...hair

2010-07-22T21:35:00.003-04:00

So...hair.

When I packed for Chi.cago, I wasn't in the mood to lug around a bunch of products, plus I didn't want to spend a lot of time on my hair during my vacation. I pretty much reasoned that wash n' gos were the way to go. And when I didn't want to wear it all the way out, I was down for my puff. When I returned, I told myself that I should probably do some twists to give my hair a break.

For some reason, I do not like twist outs in my hair right now. I like it when my hair is in twists, but when I take them out...not so much. I'm steadily practicing my flat twists.

Pardon my fo'head...

While on a trip to Tar.get a few weeks ago, I got suckered into buying more than planned...as always. I went there for Dry.el sheets, but came out with Dry.el sheets, junk food, soda, rollers, a diffuser, Yes To Cu.cumbers conditioner, and Shea.Moisture Dee.p Conditioning Mask.

I diffused my hair for the 4th...and I wasn't really a fan. My hair was big(ger), I suppose, but I felt as if I could've achieved the same results if I had just air dried. Most likely, I need more practice in this area.

Last week, I finally decided to try the deep conditioner. Loved It! Shea.Moisture has great ingredients and my hair thrived off of each and every one. So then I said, I'm gonna go BACK to Tar.get and see what else is in their line and maybe I can try something new for my twist-outs.

Tar.get suckered me again! I had to get some head gear.

I believe that my hat count is up to 6, excluding baseball caps.

I also bought Shea.Moisture's Curl En.hancing Smoothie, in hopes that it would be a great moisturizer for my twist-outs. Well, it IS a great moisturizer...but not an excellent styler, since it has absolutely no hold. I ended up slicking it back into ol' trusty, but my hair was ridiculously soft.

My next thought was to flat twist it, using both the Shea.Moisture and Eco.styler. I gots no love 2 days in a row. I was extremely frustrated. Truth be told, it more than likely failed b/c my hair takes forever and a day to dry but I didn't have that kind of time. And I surely did not plan on wearing the flat twists in public. I was disappointed b/c I really wanted to make that Shea.Moisture smoothie a part of my holy grail.

I called the Stay.Natural hotline and was talked off the ledge. Since I had done battle with my flat twists for 2 nights in a row, my g/f suggested that I break from it and recommended Kink.y Cur.ly for my wash n' gos. My only issue with my wash n' gos now is that I can't get more than 2 good hair days out of them. But that's not really much of a complaint since its the summertime and I don't have a problem with wetting my hair every day of the week, if necessary.

When I first big chopped, I used KCCC and hated it. I then vowed that I'd only use it as a gel. Well, I didn't have anything to lose by trying again.

This was the end of the first day...

And this was at the end of the second (without re-wetting...and with my hair pinned back in the front).

Pros - not a terrible amount of shrinkage, a good deal of movement, a nice sheen, great defintion, firm hold, humidity-friendly, and compliments.

Cons - PRICE (although I've had this jar since this time last year), stickiness (I believe that this is what I disliked the first time, but the stickiness subsides after a while).

Is it worth me trading in my regular routine? Eh - I don't know. I have a feeling that when I finish up this jar that I won't re-purchase. I am determined; however, to make that Shea.Moisture work for something...I believe that I will use it and the Eco.styler gel for my next wash n' go.

I'm trying to see if its possible for me to go a week without putting my hair in a puff. Highly unlikely.

stay the course

2010-07-21T23:32:00.002-04:00

Lately, I have been praying in the spirit since I haven't a clue of how to lift this fog that has been hovering above me. While driving home from Bible Study tonight, I was thinking of all the different things that make me feel good. I started to take notice of the things that DO make me feel good, but DON'T exactly honor God. I even know how to string those "feel good" moments together to create the facade of happiness.

And then I thought of my vision and how my wants may take years to come to fruition. I can't wait for everything to align itself before I experience true joy. I just don't have that kind of time to waste.

I know that my blog has been the farthest thing from upbeat. It's easier for me to pray for material things or a new job or a companion. I can see those things. I've been taking "this" day by day, hoping for a revelation or confirmation. I've gotten many. And low and behold, tonight's message was all in my window, greeting me at my front door, and chilling on my couch.

When I was a teenager, my face broke out horribly. I was beyond believing that I could be helped. My mom took me to the dermatologist and I was immediately prescribed some random acne medication. The warning was "it's likely to get worse before it gets better". Some of the blemishes that were beneath the surface would be brought to a head and then the healing process would begin. This most likely lacks the eloquence of one of Jesus' parables, but it'll do.

all in love is fair

2010-07-19T22:15:00.001-04:00

We are in the midst of a "love" series at my church this month. (Did I mention that I started going back to the "medium-sized" church that I joined a couple of years ago?) On Sunday, amongst other verses, we focused on I Corinthians 13:

To quote the Message Bible...

1 If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.

2 If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing.

3-7 If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.

Love cares more for others than for self.

Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.

Love doesn't strut,

Doesn't have a swelled head,

Doesn't force itself on others,

Isn't always "me first,"

DOESN'T FLY OFF THE HANDLE,

DOESN'T KEEP SCORE OF THE SINS OF OTHERS,

Doesn't revel when others grovel,

Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,

Puts up with anything,

Trusts God always,

Always looks for the best,

Never looks back,

But keeps going to the end.
8 Love never dies.

I have to admit, I have been ready to move on to another topic for a grip, but I guess God wants to make sure that I understand what love is....through what it isn't.

...a writer takes his pen, to write the words again, that all in love is fair. - Stev.ie Won.der

and so it continues...

2010-07-15T21:00:00.000-04:00

...life, that is. I mentioned, maybe a few posts ago, that I was going to spend this summer trying to "find" myself. I somehow ended up at Point A...where I was not really sure about anything and not feeling entirely happy. I then sat down one day and itemized every little thing that was bothering me b/c I cannot get to Point B without first resolving some issues, either internally or externally.

The letter that I wrote to my father, in my last post, was a long time coming. But before I wrote it, I had to be sure that I was prepared for the worst case scenario. I'm sure that he has received it by now, but I haven't heard a word from him or his camp.

Something that I realized as I was writing the letter is that I always felt as if I had to fend for myself. My dad has 2 daughters by his first wife and then married into 2 more daughters with his third. I always felt like the outcast with the first 2. I have grown much closer to one but know that I will never have that same bond that she has with her sister. I very rarely speak with the last 2 and don't bother considering a bond with either one. This situation has mimicked itself again in my life and I felt as if the other 2 girlfriends, that I had grown close to, vibed more with each other and that my opinion wasn't valued as much. Whether this was the case or not, this weighed heavily on my heart and I opted to steadily withdraw myself rather than to be faced with being an outsider again.

Not having a relationship with my dad is not something that I'm NOT accustomed to. Some of my more peaceful years were when we had very limited communication...and most of those times, were by force. But before I decided to go ghost, I wanted to give him an opportunity to shatter my low expectations b/c I really want to have a relationship now, moreso for my son's sake. But I can't have the status quo and peace at the same time. Guess which I value more?

So I have to be willing and ready to let go...of people...of situations...of strongholds. And that's the heap of stuff that I'm trying to muddle my way through now to get to Point B. I actually believe that I am making progress.

My job...well, that's another story for another time.

dear daddy,

2010-07-12T18:36:00.002-04:00

I am writing you this letter in hopes of salvaging our relationship. I replayed our conversation, in my mind, from Sunday and I would just like to address some things before we go any further. I’ve chosen to write you b/c we lack a good track record of having productive conversations. I need you to hear AND listen to what I have to say before cutting me off, raising your voice, and/or cussing.

With that said, I would like to be as clear as possible. I live by the motto that you teach people how to treat you. The father/daughter relationship that we have currently is dead. In other words, you will no longer disrespect me. You will not cuss or holler at me as if you’re talking to my mom or one of your old partners. I will no longer dismiss it as “that’s just the way that he is.” I know how I deserve to be treated and it’s really a shame that I have to remind my own father how to address me as an adult. If you feel as if you’re beyond correction in this area, then that’s a decision that you’ll have to live with. I’ve weighed the cost of being frustrated, stressed, and angry over something that you’ve said to hurt my feelings, intentionally or unintentionally, and I’d rather separate myself from the situation altogether and go on with my life as if I have no parents left here on this earth. THAT’S how serious and necessary this change in our relationship is.

I have reached my breaking point. This is not just about Sunday. This is about every other day that we’ve had an argument. This is about years of your tearing down my self-esteem. This is about every instance that you’ve failed to see beyond your own personal benefit and actually consider what was in MY best interest, as YOUR daughter, from a little girl on up until now. I am done walking on eggshells around you while you unapologetically go on with your life.

And the LAST thing that I will allow you to do is challenge my ability to be a good mother. I don’t have a problem with your suggesting or recommending that I do something for J. But with anything else, it’s all in the delivery. If you say it abrasively and grossly exaggerate the situation negatively, I will respond abrasively and negatively. If you say it with love, I will respond with love and appreciation. It seems; however, that you are incapable of doing the latter…with me. I know that you don’t talk to S****** or M****** (my sisters) that way and I wonder if it’s b/c you communicate with them less. Maybe its b/c they’ve had or have husbands and there’s no room for you to step in and criticize them. Maybe its b/c I am the least favorite or give you the most heartburn. At any rate, this makes me believe that I have to drop off the face of the map completely before you realize that you are pushing me away.

I have forgiven you for the things that you’ve done in the past. But I have also mastered loving other people at a distance and I can do the same with you if it’ll bring about peace in my life. I keep asking myself “why in the world am I even considering moving back to Ne.w Or.leans?” if I’ll be faced with this 24/7. And the thought turns me off completely, literally makes me sick to my stomach. I’d rather struggle out here by myself for the rest of my life as a single mother, than to come down there and fight with you on a semi-daily basis.

I appreciate everything that you’ve done for J. He cannot possibly ask for a better grandfather. But instead of concentrating on what all he DOESN’T have, how about focusing on what he DOES. For a kid who doesn’t have his father around, he’s gotten the chance to play sports (both basketball and baseball), to take drama classes to build his confidence and enhance his public speaking skills, and to participate in cub scouts where he’s interacted and has done activities with other young boys. I am the one taking him to every practice, game, lesson, den/pack meeting, awards ceremony, pool party, and community service opportunity. I am the one paying for registrations, uniforms, awards, and every other random fee imaginable. I am the one going to parent/teacher meetings. I am the one enforcing additional assignments to make sure that he’s learning what he should. His teachers, his den mothers, and every other adult that has come into contact with him, note how intelligent, well-mannered, well-behaved and how awesome he is. The boy isn’t raising himself, so he had to get that way somehow. Whether you pat me on the back or not, I AM doing a good job. J is getting the same opportunities as his cousins. The only thing that he has had to do without is his father. I feel as if I overcompensate for the love that he is not shown from him.

So, I am not going to listen to you nitpick and nag anymore. J is not walking around like a pauper and I am not a negligent mother. I will not allow you to paint that picture to me or anyone else. If you want to spoil him, spoil him. If you want to help, then help. But if you’re going to cop some self-righteous attitude about it, I’d rather you do nothing at all.

You don’t THINK about what you’re saying before you just say it and have no clue of how to talk to people. I am not above correction but I AM above being belittled. And it ends here. The little girl, that took every little nasty thing that you had to dish out and feared expressing how she felt, does not exist. But I refuse to fight with you over every petty and inconsequential thing that you can come up with anymore. I do not have the time or energy to entertain it when I have enough on my plate to deal with right now.

I love you. I need/want you as a father, but if you find it impossible to support and respect me as an adult, as YOUR daughter, and as a mother, then I opt that we go our separate ways. The good news is that you can then continue to be proud of your other 4 daughters and their abilities and I can go on about my life never questioning that I’m a good person doing a good job.

Sincerely,
ME

[Signed, sealed, stamped and mailed today at 3:51pm]

emotional decorator strikes again

2010-07-08T22:10:00.003-04:00

I can't count how many times I've glanced over a copy of Archi.tectural Dig.est or watched an episode of Div.ine Des.ign on HGTV and plotted on how I was going to achieve a similar look for less. I even have pictures of homes pinned up on my wall at work. I seem to be drawn to modern chic and sophisticated looks on paper...but for the life of me, I can't recreate them. "Looking at" and "living in" are 2 different things. My tastes diverge from the original plan once I walk into a store and see something bright or highly textured.

I was going through my "HGTVme" archives and taking note of the little things that I've added here and there. And b/c my mind has been heavy, I've been releasing my stress through home decor retail therapy...again. Unfortunately, my job is 5 minutes away from Pi.er 1, Wo.rld Mar.ket, Hom.egoods, and Tar.get. So my sessions have been more than once a week lately.

I FINALLY found a table for my 2 chairs in my sunroom. I have been having these chairs for maybe 2 years now, but struggled to find an attractive table that was the right height, right width, or the right style to complement them. I'm VERY picky. Once I see something that I like, my strategy is to go home, sleep on it, and then buy it once I'm sure that it's what I want. This takes me weeks sometimes. I can't believe that it took me over 2 years to find a table but that goes to show that I don't impress easily nor will I break my bank. After getting a discount for buying the table off the floor and using gift cards, I spent $50 out of pocket. I've been enjoying it ever since. This table has seen many a cereal bowl since I picked it up on Saturday.

Originally, the coffee table was pushed in the corner with all of those vases (pictured in the windows) displayed on top like a collection. It made such a huge difference to actually use it as a coffee table and to display each vase in a window sill for a gallery look.

I just discovered Worl.d Mark.et and now that store has made a lifelong customer. I spotted this cold mini-chest (that I'm using for small trinkets and buttons) in the discontinued section and had to add it to my collection. However, I thought that the colorful ceramic drawers would stand out better against white wood.

So I brought it home and painted it white.

I've made it a goal to step up my accessory game but I needed better organization than the huge Ziploc bag that I had been using before. My goal is to fill up each slot with new earrings and overflow my t-bars with necklaces. I'm a little slow in this area...so that may take me years.

When I went to Chica.go, I saw a poster that I'd seen back home before in my girlfriend's kitchen. I loved the colors and just had to have it. I asked if it were ok to copy her style, but was ready to proceed no matter the answer, lol.

I ordered it in print size and then got a frame for it from Tar.get. I just ordered another print by the same artist and plan to put it below this one. It complements the MANY colors in my kitchen nicely. I still need to figure out what I'm going to do about a backsplash, since the tile company would not break up boxes for the design that I wanted...so back to the drawing board with that one.

Originally, I had pictures of J and his PawPaw on that wall in the kitchen, but they work much better in his bedroom.

While I was in the mood for hanging pictures, I started hanging prints that I'd purchased from the Fr.ench Mar.ket sometime last year. I can't seem to get enough of surrounding myself with images that remind me of home. It has worked to ease my homesickness. (To the untrained eye: that's crawfish on the Liv.ing section of the Tim.es Picay.une).

So much for modern...chic...or sophisticated.

But I guess when you're true to your personality, people who visit your home will take notice. Perhaps that's what makes the difference between having a house and having a home. I want it to look comfortable and lived in (and sometimes quirky)...even though people know how anal I am about keeping my carpet clean and instantly take off their shoes before entering without my saying a word.

Speaking of quirky...

Remember when J and I won this? I believe S23 asked where I was going to put it. Well, here's the verdict. I broke out J's crayons and colored it. I actually sat at my desk like a 5 year old, carefully scrutinizing the lines, a few months ago. THEN, it was ok to put it in the hallway.

My next therapeutic purchase will probably be more wall quotes.

I'll try not to overdo it, but I like how they can transform a boring sliver of a wall.

This one is above my bed. It reads, "Mothers of little boys work from son up til son down."

So adding little accents has been both scratching my artistic itch while J is back home and relieving me of my frustrations. I keep trying to talk myself into another painting project but I must not be THAT emotional. Then again, after having a day like I had today, I should be in the mood to paint 2 rooms, re-tile both bathrooms, do some yardwork, and knock down and rebuild my shed.

the shift

2010-07-06T00:11:00.001-04:00

A lot of times--when people asked me what my home looked like post-Katrin.a, I often described it as if God had picked it up, shook it, and then placed it back in its footprint. I kinda feel as if God is doing the same thing with my life.

I know that I have some funny ways about me and I won't even lie about my striving to change my every little quirk. For months, I have been trying to figure out why it was so easy for me to walk away from my friendship with my close girlfriend. Granted, she was on some new stuff that was making me uneasy but to drop back as much as I did without an urge to pick it back up left me wondering...about me. But when I really thought about it, there had been several times when she'd say something negative or judgmental and I'd hang up the phone, eyebrows raised.

Last week, I had dinner with Goth Girl. She FINALLY left VA. She and her hubby will be doing a month long road trip and then settle in Por.tland. I was telling her about my cuz and her hubby and how they are doing well in Tex.as, after having left VA 3 months ago. As I was telling that story, I was starting to feel A LITTLE sad, but when Kat told me that she'll be moving in with her man (about an hour or 2 away from here), I 'bout lost it.

Overall, the people that I've surrounded myself with seem to be at a physical and/or emotional distance. Of course, the world doesn't revolve around LB so my friends' decisions to move have nothing to do with me. But the fact that they are moving around the same time is making me over-analyze the season that I'm in. I'm making new friendships and reacquainting with old ones. But this shift is starting to feel uncomfortable. I realize that I'm extra sensitive b/c my son is gone, but I wonder if (like Katri.na) this will work itself out for my good in the end. I'm getting rather anxious to see...

The Chi 2010

2010-06-29T00:10:00.001-04:00

So...I'm gonna try to pack this all in one blog. My synopsis of my trip to The Chi '10: at the right place, at the right time. Before I left...and I mean, right before I pulled out of my driveway...I made the unfortunate mistake of checking the mailbox.

I did not pass the test. (Please refrain from making a comment that has the word "sorry" in it. I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me or feeling sorry that this happened or whatever else you can feel sorry about as it pertains to me).

I simply picked my little feelings up off the ground, packed them away, and headed to the airport. Yes, I suspected it, but there's a difference between suspicion and confirmation. So, I was bummed. There's still a tinge of disappointment as I type. But you know what?

If I only share all of my successes and none of my failures, how real would I be? Why should I be ashamed or feel the need to hide that I'm less than superhuman? The real failure comes when I stay down after getting knocked down. Or feel the need to front before anyone. I've licked my wounds, dusted myself off, and here I stand...ready for another chance at bat.

I booked my trip to Chicago, so that I could experience "The Taste". I actually have 2 girlfriends there that I graduated with from high school: one an MD in Family Medicine and another about to embark on her residency in Pediatric Psych. These ladies are some of the most faith-filled friends that I have. So when I told them what happened, neither one batted an eyelash.

As I glanced around my girlfriend's beautiful condo of modern decor, she shared her failures with me...some stories that I recalled, others that were unfamiliar. Her ascension was not upon a crystal stair, but where is she now? At the top. I just have to do what I have to do. At the end of it all, she prayed with me and the sun came out once again.

As I've mentioned before, all throughout high school, I wanted to be an architect. Knowing this was my passion, my girl was so excited to tour Frank Lloy.d Wr.ight's house with me. Unfortunately, there was a tornado the night that I got to Chicago, so I wasn't able to see the inside of his house b/c of wind damage (I believe). Instead, we did a walking tour of his house and other homes designed by him and his contemporaries.

On Friday, we went to The Taste. Some cajun meatballs, garlic fries, Chica.go style hot dog, deep dish pizza, fried veggies, and watermelon italian ice later...I needed a breather. Sa.lt N' Pe.pa and BBD performed.

There was very little time to relax, but I stole as much time as I could. My girl, who is as prissy as they come, took me to some "fru fru" place to get my eyebrows waxed. Never before have I had to lie down on a warm bed and listen to soothing music just to have this service done. Albeit, I only get my eyebrows done once a year...if that. And that's b/c I have very little hair and some sort of natural cut in my right eyebrow and am afraid that I'll get up with no eyebrows at all and have to pencil them in and look like a scared cat. Anyway...

I mentioned that we were invited to a "purity" dinner. I don't know exactly what I expected. I'm lying...I just knew that everyone would be dressed in all white, except for me. I just knew that I would feel out of place amongst people that were so on fire for the Lord, that they have chosen to abstain from anything that would taint that relationship. That perhaps these people would glide across the room and hover a foot above the floor as they awaited their "pretty wangs" in the buffet line.

To be honest, I don't know if I'm there yet. It's one thing for me to say that I'm down when there's no real temptation, but I have no clue as to how strong I am once it presents itself. However, it did put something on my mind that I would like to explore further.

I did get a lot of compliments on my puff. I kept drawing a blank every time someone asked me how I styled my hair this way. To me, this is my lazy style. I have been all about the wash n' go and trying to perfect that for the summer. After I feel as if I can no longer rock those curls, I slick it back into my go-to style: my puff. I really didn't think that it would garner as much attention as it did, but maaaaaaaan, I loved swapping techniques with these ladies that I'd never met before. My main technique on this trip: change up my flowers. Spending ridiculous amounts of time on my hair was not an option.

I had the good fortune of coming during a time that Xav.ier, my girl's alma mater, was having an alumni mini-cruise. I was excited b/c "home" was represented away from 'home". I have never been on a boat before so the concern was that I may be one of those people that get motion sickness. Well, I am happy to report that I did the Cupi.d Shuff.le/Cha Cha Sli.de in my high heels and did not miss a beat. So it's safe to say that I'm not one of those aforementioned people.

The only thing that was stealing my thunder was some old perv who kept taking pics of me and my girlfriend.

While walking along the Navy Pi.er, we caught a live salsa band. Let me just say that if I did make a vow of purity that salsa would get me through. I am seriously looking up lessons now. I think that I have found my summer activity...details on this later. I'm so excited.

Recap: Ch.icago is alright with me...during the summertime. This was a short trip with long lasting effects. I am recharged and motivated...all thanks to The Chi.

clueless

2010-06-22T23:30:00.004-04:00

Me and this blog **smh**...anyway, I figured that now was as good a time as any to update. I'll probably be up for the next couple of hours so I have time to write while doing laundry/packing for my trip to Chicago.

This evening, I had dinner with my former professor/mentor, who happened to be in town for a speaking engagement. His brother is my version of Mr. Bi.g, since over the course of the past decade, we have continued this cycle of losing touch and reuniting.

Anyway, we went to this hole-in-the-wall spot, where I proceeded to have the worst version of shrimp and grits ever as we discussed our families and professional endeavors. Incidentally, my company had a meeting today, announcing that we would not receive bonuses this year b/c of some economy-related blah, blah, blah. I sat at that meeting, shaking my head. Last year, I had a meeting and was laid off right AFTER I returned from vacation and here I am about to leave tomorrow and then this mess is dropped in my lap.

I went to the Director of my department and expressed my concern. He assured me that that was the only consequence of the economy and that they've already seen a turnaround and predict that 2011 will be better than ever. I just had a great performance evaluation last week, so I should feel secure, right?

Nope. I had great reviews at the last job. I told my mentor what went down and he suggested that I strike out on my own. As I'm adding up the cost of freedom, it just doesn't seem worthy enough to entertain right now. If I should get displaced AGAIN, the message that I receive is that God must want me to be a housewife and marry rich.

I think that I'm at a period of my life where the things that I thought that I wanted are not as savory as they once were. Everything seems to be up in the air. I'm having second thoughts about moving back home; yet, as I said goodbye to J this past Sunday for the summer, I wondered how many more summers can I take like this. During the school year, I felt overwhelmed with his activities, but now that he's gone, I can't even focus on what I want to do for myself. I told my "friend" back in December that I thought it was pointless to pursue anything romantic; yet, when I imagine him potentially flirting with other women, I become pissed off without any right. I then have an argument with myself for being both selfish and wishy-washy and drop off from communication b/c I can't seem to stand firm on what I want...or don't want. And now my career...I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I wanted that license to have the option for entrepreneurship, but now I'm cowering in a corner just at the mere mention of it.

How did I get here? I always have these 5-year plans in place, but now...I don't know what the hell is going on.

I guess that I have this summer to "find myself"...to heed divine direction...to read blogs, lol.

To start, I guess that I should finish packing. I'll be hanging with my girls in Chicago, enjoying "The Taste". One of them keeps beefing up our itinerary...one event, a "purity" dinner. I don't know what in the hell that is, but I'm sure that it'll make for an interesting blog post once I return.

32

2010-06-13T22:15:00.000-04:00

curly girl wonder diaries - it's my 1 year anniversary

2010-06-11T19:47:00.001-04:00

...and the lack of motivation continues...

I thought of all the different ways that I could compose this post, but if you've been following my hair journey, then you've seen every pic that I've posted...no need to repost. I guess that I'll just show what a difference a year makes.

Remember this?

(Oh how I miss it so)

Well, a year later, I decided to celebrate with a wash n' go. I have taken 3 different pics but still can't seem to capture my natural coils...maybe that's simply the nature of having dark brown/black hair.

My hair decided that it wanted to cooperate this morning. I have been trying to perfect my wash n' gos for the summer without having to do a lot of work. If I can't style my hair in 10 minutes, then that defeats the purpose of a wash n' go to me.

I mixed aloe vera gel and Yes to Carrots conditioner in my hands while in the shower and just ran my fingers through my coils. I lightly rinsed with cool water and then shook my head like a polaroid picture, lol.

I am not too fond of my hair texture in the front, so I slicked that part back. And that was a wrap. I got a couple of compliments today (without the flower...go figure) so I felt relieved that I didn't look like "Who Shot John and Why".

Having dark hair is kind've tricky b/c you certainly don't want it to look dry. At the same time, the jheri curl look is not an option. I still have work to do on this b/c although I was pleased with the curl definition and sheen, my curls could stand to feel a little softer to the touch. They're not crunchy by any means...I guess I'm looking for...supple.

This is also unstretched hair, so perhaps it doesn't appear to be a lot of growth within a year. At any rate, I made it through my first year. The rest is supposed to be a breeze, right?

the "9 to 5" updo...take 1

2010-06-07T21:48:00.008-04:00

So, here was the challenge...

After having mini-twists for 5 weeks, I was bored and refused to do mini-twists for a while. My go-to style is usually a puff, but I don't wanna continue to rely on it and possibly stress my edges.

I wanted to try an updo but thought that my hair wasn't long enough to do a cute one. In my head (I was short of actually drawing out what I envisioned), I wanted to simulate a puff, but without using an elastic band to push my hair back. My hair didn't really come out the way that I intended, so I decided to just make minor changes as I went.

I settled on doing flat twists all the way around my head, going upward into what I hope to be a bun one day soon. The decision to do a side-swept curly bang came at the last minute...mainly b/c I was tired...as can be witnessed by my crooked parts.

Now, here's the thing. I'm not a pro at doing flat twists, but I intend to keep practicing until its second nature. My mom taught me how to cornrow both overhand and underhand but the only time I did it was on my Barbie's hair and well...that was an entirely different situation. So, I need to master all of the above, preferably within the next few months.

I am challenging myself to do something different every week. We'll see how long that lasts.

Despite my crooked parts, I got a lot of compliments on the style today. I'm still trying to figure out how I'm going to carry off wearing my hair under a hat...without looking bald. I may attempt to cornrow into a low twisted bun, but again, I don't know just how much I butchered myself with my last trim.

the haps

2010-06-06T16:24:00.000-04:00

So, 2 "big" things are coming up during the week. My 1st year natural anniversary (Friday) and my 32nd birthday (Sunday).

My "friend" asked me if I was excited. I'm not necessarily in cabbage-patch mode about either one. I will say that I am proud of myself for sticking with the "natural" thang. For me, it hasn't been all sunshine and butterflies. I just don't like taking a long time to do my hair. And at times, I questioned why I traded in my predictable roller wrap for an unruly wash n' go. Don't get me wrong...relearning how to do my hair hasn't always been doom and gloom. I find that it is awakening my dormant creativity and is challenging my thoughts on "beauty" and what's considered "beautiful".

It almost feels as if I am having some sort of identity crisis. I considered myself to be low maintenance (not to be confused with NO maintenance). Now, I find myself buying new clothes to compliment my hair (and also b/c I am in dire need of new clothes since I put off shopping for myself) and accessorizing. Now, me and accessories have never been friends. I just didn't see the point in buying something that will go unnoticed. I was wrong. I was surprised to see that men actually pay attention to a nice necklace and my "gaudy" $12.99 rings. The flowers that usually adorn my puffs draws the most attention. But I get more giddy when a little brown girl at J's school compliments me more than a man does.

Growing up, I hid behind big clothes and caps. Now, I understand why my mom had much heartburn over my craving for oversized t-shirts, militant gear, and black this and that. She could see my beauty even when I couldn't. I actually feel more attractive as a natural...and never thought that I'd ever feel that way. For someone that has battled with her self-esteem for so many years, today, I feel as if I am standing on top of a mountain.

So, I would say that I have graduated to medium maintenance...and only medium b/c my love for purses and shoes just hasn't kicked in yet...I don't know if it ever will, lol.

But enough of that, I'll probably do a post on Friday. I trimmed the shit out of my hair yesterday and put it in an updo. We'll see if I butchered myself once I take this 'do down.

As for my birthday...I don't really intend on doing too much. My dad is coming into town the day before. On Sunday, me and some of my lady friends will have a big hat b-day brunch at this restaurant near my house that overlooks the water. Yes, we are getting our "southern" on with mimosas in hand. I have yet to buy my hat though, lol. I have a peach dress hanging in my closet that I haven't worn. Come to think of it, I'll need some shoes and love how DSW is to the rescue with my birthday coupon. It is truly a sin for me to work so close to Steinmart, Ross, DSW, and Michael's...I'm constantly going broke on my lunch break.

No offense to anyone in their 20s, but I don't want to go back. I feel great in my 30s and will probably feel even more fly in my 40s. I'm just happy that God saw fit to allow me to see another year. Lord knows that I have played russian roulette with my life with some of my poor decisions. And then there were the trials...the "why me"s...the "it can't get any worse than this"s, lol. I survived and there is so much beauty in wisdom. That's probably why I like hanging with older women so much. I think back to myself 5 years ago and wow, I am happy that I'm not THAT woman anymore.

Even my blogging is different. I remember writing about anything and everything that came to my mind...oversharing (I'm glad that I deleted that stuff). With age, I've become more selective of what I share, who I allow into my life, and how I spend my time.

I'm not in cabbage patch mode, but I do look forward to the milestones. The best of me has yet to come.

press play #2

2010-05-31T16:36:00.006-04:00

I guess that I lied about being back. What’s the deal, right? Well…

1. Mini-me has been keeping me busy. This is tiring, at times, but good. The only thing that worries me is how this has become my life. He’ll be leaving in a month (to spend the summer in N.ew Or.leans) and I’m concerned that I’m going to be bored out of my mind. Sure, I’ll have more opportunities to catch Happy Hours, weekend DC trips, dinners with friends, clubbing (I said this one as if I actually miss it), or whatever it is that you do when you’re 31 y/o and are considered cool, etc. but I’m truly going to miss the noise in the house during those in-between times.

2. This SHOULD give me more time to blog. But, ya know, I don’t know if I necessarily need more TIME to blog. I need more MOTIVATION. I have had several topics to discuss, but by the time I sat down, the topic had gone past its expiration date. I’m a thinker. I can analyze every-damn-thing, but I can also get on my own nerves with all of that. I just want to live and let live.

3. So…I agreed to allow J to spend a week in Florida with his father. **Taking huge breath** I know that he needs that time, but it’s so hard to let go. We have tried to do this in the past and I have pumped the breaks for one reason or another. I guess that ya’ll will know how this turns out…look out for me on the news sometime in August if things go awry.

4. My company has completed some kind of acquisition/merger. There have been celebrations left and right. I’m not a business major or anything, but fast growth concerns me. With everything in my life, I value quality over quantity. I’m not certain that some of the recent decisions that have been made reflect the same value. There have also been some unofficial shifts in power on the lower level. I see a monster-in-the-making but I have a feeling that he might self-destruct before any damage is done. At any rate, I’ve spoken my peace and, prayerfully, I was heard. I was a little reluctant to do that considering…

5. It has been a year since I was laid off. We are truly blessed. Not only does God show up but He shows out! Is it pretty safe to say that I’m good on trials and I deserve to smooth-sail through the rest of my life??? I thinketh not. Unfortunately, I still have some scars…as can be noticed by my concerns in #4 and my mentioning in a previous “hair” blog that I’d rather just blend into the background sometimes. I get a lot of attention at work and every time someone compliments me, I start thinking about that a$$ from my last job that asked me to sit on his lap. I guess that I fear a line being crossed and wondering if there was something that I could've/should've done to stop it ahead of time.

6. The 2 worst things that I could’ve done was to (1) get a smartphone and (2) get a tv for my bedroom. Both are seemingly good ideas, but both have slowed my productivity considerably.

7. I found a note while I was cleaning that J wrote about "loving" some girl. My heart dropped to my knees. I am not ready for all of this. The child is 8 y/o. And what pisses me off is that this is on some Y & R type foolishness, at that. I tried to explain the difference between "like" and "love" but ole boy was adamant about "loving" her. Since he was so upset...that I even found the note, I let it go for the moment. Best believe, it's time for us to have a REALLY LONG talk but I'm looking for books and other visual aids...that sounds crazy, I know.

8. So it's spring/summer and more than just the flowers are in bloom. Weddings and engagements are popping up everywhere and well...it's putting me in a foul mood, lol. Heck, even J is certain about "loving" someone.

overheard

2010-05-01T23:30:00.000-04:00

Coworker: "Hey, I suppose your wife, considering how long she's been hospitalized, may give birth on Saturday. So do you think (if she'll let you get away) that you can come in to work on Sunday to help me with this project?

**crickets**

curly girl wonder diaries - twist and shout

2010-04-27T21:30:00.002-04:00

So, where do I start??? I believe that I am 10 and a half months into this natural journey. It has certainly been a roller coaster ride for me. I guess right now, I'm going "up" but there is still so much for me to figure out. With my schedule being the way that it is, there are things that I want to do but I just don't have time to do it. My regimen now is "get it in where I can fit it in."

As I blogged before, I rocked twists for about 5 weeks while I studied for my exam. Here's the Catch 22 about natural hair for me...I like wearing twists, but protective styles aren't considered to be as cute as wearing your hair out. I like wearing my hair out, but when I do, I have to moisturize twice as much. I am finding that I have more of a preference for fluffy, soft curls/frizz over defined curls. But I think the latter is more sought after b/c it looks more tamed.

Onto the "boring" styles:

So, I started out with these twists. I used Hell.o Hydra.tion as a leave in and sealed with coconut oil. I rolled these up so that I could have more fullness. I kept these in for 2 weeks.

Everyday, I would either pin them up, pin them back, or don a flower. I have learned that I could probably go to work looking as if I just rolled out of bed, but if I wear a flower, I'm bound to get a compliment.

I took these out and decided to do another set, which lasted for 3 weeks.

I wasn't intentionally trying to stretch these 3 weeks, but I refused to fuss over my hair during that last week. It takes me around 4 hours to do really small twists. The time actually flies by b/c I get up on Saturday mornings around 5:30 am/6 am to get started. I usually have somewhere to be by 9 or 10.

And then I took that test and got my life back...

But unfortunately, I was bored with the twists.

I took them out again and was left with...

I do not like the super-defined skinny twists...unless I can...

...get them out of my face.

Then, I decided to do bigger twists for a twist-out. I wasn't too fond of my first set, but I can't recall why. Anyway, I decided to wet my hair the next day...not necessarily a wash and go but more like a rinse and go.

I spritzed my hair with my oil mixture afterwards and that actually did wonders as far as liking the way that my hair felt. Plus, my curls felt very spring-y. I have to remember: water and oil.

And then after watching too many episodes of "G.ood Ti.mes", I decided that it was time for the "Flo 'fro".

I couldn't keep my hands out of my hair THAT day. I loved how it felt.

But I also love my puff, so...

Obviously, this is my favorite flower. I have 2 in heavy rotation and one that I can't seem to find. It's time for another trip to Micha.el's anyway. I find that what works best for me is to wet my hair the night before, gel it up with Eco Sty.ler, wrap it with a scarf to lay down the frizzies, and then put my stretch hair band on it the next morning. The band is not tight, so it looks like I pulled it tight but I'm not stressing my edges with the band.

I can't keep my hands out of my puff either.

I tried another "big" twist set.

Honestly, I was trying to do a totally different hairstyle, but another major "fail" on my part, so this was my Plan B.

Now, that it is a few days old...here comes the flower again...

At least, I switched sides, right?

I'm still on a quest to be more "girly", I suppose. But then again, I will probably never be into make-up outside of special events and heels aren't really my thing (although I wish they were). Now, that I can sport my tank tops and flip flops, I'm good. All of this fussin' over hair is something that I hope that I don't have to get used to.

Let's see...I'm still using Hell.o Hydrati.on, Y.es to Carr.ots and Y.es to Cucum.bers. I bought TIGI Moi.sture Mani.ac a while back, which is good for a leave-in, but not thick enough for me to co-wash with (maybe it would've worked better for me when I was relaxed). I tried some Hair Mayon.naise deep conditioner and...HATED IT! I should've known better since it had lanolin in it. It took me forever to wash it out and THEN it had nerve to have "parsley flakes" in it, which I was discovering in my hair for days. CRA-ZEE!

So, that's the scoop. I'm getting a lot of attention, but I can't say that I love it. Everyone likes compliments, including me, but sometimes I just want to blend in.

press play

2010-04-25T16:55:00.000-04:00

I'm back! I was supposed to blog a week ago. Once the test was over it was great to get my life back, but I still had mommy duties that kept me tied up in the evenings and any spare moment that I had was allocated to this wonderful pasttime called sleep.

I guess one could say that I had a severe case of tunnel vision. I had to reprioritize, so blogging and FB'ing lost out.

How did I do? I don't feel great about the test at all. It was a beast. I didn't tell anyone at work that I planned on taking the test. No one has those credentials in my department and I didn't want to draw a bigger "X" on my back. While at the testing center...of ALL people...they sat me next to a coworker, from a different department. He said that it was his 3rd time taking it. I also ran into an ex-coworker, who was taking it for the 2nd time. I thought, "I've prepped and prayed." I had my books in the bleachers while my baby had baseball practice. I caught some study-time in the car, while J was in drama class. And if the activities at the cub scout meetings could be handled without me, I broke out my material. I missed out on 5 beautiful springtime weekends (only sunning during J's games) and tried my best to push through my sleepiness and illness (in the last couple of weeks) on weeknights. I had visions of turbines, steam properties, and moment diagrams creeping into my dreams.

At any rate, I'm glad that it's over and I don't intend on worrying about it for the next 3 months. When I picked up J from afterschool care, the first thing that he asked that day was, "How was your test?" I told him that I didn't feel as if I did well. He said, "Well, at least you tried." All I could do was grin. My baby knew how important it was to me and did his best not to bother me while I studied. My "friend" was VERY supportive and would check on me when I would go "ghost". I realize that I wasn't myself throughout this whole process and I appreciate him for putting up with me...even when I was a wee bit difficult to deal with. My dad even said that he was proud of me for going through with it. That was enough to make me feel pretty good, despite the outcome of the test. For a minute, I wondered if I should've just waited until October since I wasn't notified that I was eligible to take the test until it was late in the game. I'm not mad b/c I sincerely did my best. I just think that in this case, my best may not have been good enough. I won't know the results until July, so in the meantime, life goes on. The only thing that does disappoint me is that I so wanted this to be a good testimony, but now, I don't think that it is.

In the midst of my aggressive study schedule, my cousin made the big decision to move the Monday after Easter. I mentioned that she was going through some things before. Shortly after I moved here, I recall her saying that she wanted to move to Char.lotte. Somehow over the course of the last year, I was able to convince her that Houston was a better option. This was purely out of my own selfishness, b/c I knew that eventually I'd be moving back home and Houston is pretty close. I never imagined that everything that has happened would've happened and I certainly wasn't prepared for her to make such a huge decision and follow through with it as quickly as it went down. But knowing her, I'm certain that she made the best decision for her and Baby E. So, there's nothing more for me to say on the matter. One day soon, we'll be in close proximity again so this is yet another thing for me to look forward to.

Being out of the loop hasn't been such a bad thing. One day last week, I left my cell phone at home. I realized it while I was dropping J off at school and actually considered driving back home to get it before going to work. J said, "It's good that you left it at home so you won't be distracted while you should be working." I paused b/c I was trying to figure out what he knew about me being distracted, lol. But he's right. I survived without it...just as I survived without the internet. Being tied to the internet has distracted me from giving my full attention to many things that should be more important. Taking those steps back was not only necessary for studying, but also for some perspective. And I think that I will continue to go with that. Not everything is meant to be put on display and some things aren't meant for me to see.

Let's see...if there's anyone out there that reads me SOLELY for my hair updates, I apologize. I'll post something this week, but I'm kinda boring in the hair department. I wore twists for 5 weeks and now I'm tired of them. This past week, I wore my hair out b/c I wanted a change. Just to give you an idea of my situation now:

End of January (I don't know what was up with my camera)

End of April (w/beaucoup frizz)

I'll post some backstory and more pics later. I said that I wanted thicker hair. Now, I'm not so sure, lol.

So again, I'm back! But I am in the thick of baseball season, spring play rehearsals, and cub scout activities so please bear with me. A sista gets worn out. :)

mini-update

2010-04-09T19:00:00.004-04:00

Perhaps I should've hung a sign on the door, sent up a smoke signal, or a pigeon. My apologies. We are fine. My schedule has been a little tight and I have been trying to use what little free time that I have to study. Thanks to those that did reach out to me...I was honored. If we're FB friends, no, I didn't defriend you or put you on limited access. I'm just trying to take care of business and have had every obstacle thrown at me in the process.

My test is next Friday. Unfortunately, I have missed out on some good study days, b/c J and I have been sick this week. At any rate, I have to hit it hard this weekend.

Really quick...

Hair update: Not much to tell. I have been keeping my hair in twists b/c I didn't want to think about what I was going to do to it when every minute counted.

My cousin (my only fam here in Richmond) is, well, no longer in Richmond. She has officially moved to Texas and my heart has been heavy. I pray that her and the fam fair well.

I'll have to write a post on what's happening with J's spring play. It has been challenging.

So, I'm about to crack the books. I'll write more next weekend...by then, I will get my life back. Hopefully everyone else is doing well. I have not read any blogs in a grip...maybe one day I'll catch up...or just try to fill in the blanks.

Take care and be cool,

HOT DAMN!!!

2010-03-04T18:30:00.004-05:00

Remember THIS???

Well, I won the fight!

I'm sitting for it in April.

This test is almost $300...

Please pray that I pass!

better

2010-03-03T22:24:00.002-05:00

J had his "Blue and Gold" cubscout banquet on Friday night. The entertainment was a local magician. While the boys sat in front of the stage anticipating the next trick, the parents sat at the tables conversing with each other, texting, etc. In my mind, there's only so much you can do with colored handkerchiefs to hold my attention.

I sat across from one lady, chatting about everything under the sun. And then she asked, "Where are you from?" I said, "New Or.leans", rather matter-of-factly. So, the next question for me has ALWAYS been, "Did you come here b/c of the storm?" This situation was no different. I don't mind answering that question or even the other ones that follow with regard to the status of my home after Ka.trina. The question that usually makes me think is...

What made you come to Vir.gini.a?

The short answer is that I have a cousin here, who offered to take in my son and I.

When I think back to my living situation at the time of the evacuation, sharing a small space with 8 people wasn't bad. However, being in that close of a proximity to my dad was a strain, especially since the last time that I HAD to live with him was when I was 11. In addition, we were in the midst of a feud over financial matters when the storm hit. He did something so underhanded to me that made me such an emotional wreck that my boss had to pull me aside for coming into work with puffy eyes everyday for over a week. I guess you can say that I was already in a storm before Ka.trina even hit.

On top of that, I was dating "ole dude". To look back on how low my self-esteem had to have been to stay in that situation for a year is embarrassing. It makes me teary-eyed to even think about how little he respected me. I don't know why that still bothers me, damn-near 5 years later, but I've grown leaps and bounds since then.

I was working a job that only offered 5 days of PTO a year...I believe that I got 3 sick days and 2 vacay days. Perhaps I was getting paid competitively (not really sure about it, considering how I was still living check to check), but working at a small firm puts a lot of responsibility on your back. And I found myself spending more nights in the office than I was at home.

J was also spending more time with PawPaw than he was with me. And I can't honestly say that I thought that was a bad thing at the time.

Simply put, my life was a mess.

So when the storm hit and my cuz extended her offer, initially, I dismissed it. At first, I thought that I'd just wait it out. After all, we were all without jobs...we were all without homes...we were all on food stamps...we were all waiting. I don't really know...maybe there was some comfort in knowing that we were all struggling together.

Then one day, I just got tired of struggling. I could "wait" for some sense of normality, but "normal" for me was STILL dysfunctional. I can't count how many times I have been in situations so bad; yet, I couldn't see the "pay-off" in letting go. A lot of times, I have made everything out to be too complex in my mind, but sometimes, in order for things to change, all it takes is a decision on my part.

I just need to decide that I want things to be better and act on it.

I had never been to VA. My cuz and I had never lived in the same state all of our lives. I really didn't know what to expect.

I got up the courage to inform the rest of the gang that J and I were leaving, in search of "better". Needless to say, this didn't go over well. They REALLY laid it on thick. I was told that I didn't know what I was doing, that I shouldn't subject J to that kind of move, and that my decision just didn't make any sense. It certainly would've been easier to remain in my comfort zone...and wait. I would've made EVERYONE ELSE happy, I suppose.

The day that J and I left, my stepmother cried and my dad could hardly look at me. J had gotten used to living with his cousins and having constant playmates, so he was sad as well. He'd just turned 5 and I felt guilty about putting him through more changes when he was still adjusting to our new reality. Of course, I doubted myself but something kept me driving...even through the severe rainstorm (that my dad used as an argument for me not to travel).

It's kind've interesting to look back on that time...especially while doing and enjoying everything that my family said that I couldn't. To see that we've acquired all the material things that we lost and then some is great, but to witness the level of maturity that both J and I have reached has been amazing.

There were some nights when I didn't think that J's nightmares would end. And there were some fears I worried that he wasn't able to fully express, but still lurked around in his mind. But now, he's so well-rounded, active, smart...and hopefully I'm instilling enough confidence in him as well.

I don't think that I realized it then, but I stepped out on faith and God surely guided and protected us along the way.

So, I may say things about VA...about being tired of living here...about needing to get away...but, truth be told, VA has been really good to me. VA has brought "better" to us on a silver platter.

I remember this whenever I start thinking that I can't make it through some "crisis" or "period of discomfort". I recalled this when I didn't have a job to rush off too, less than a year ago.

Change starts with a desire and a decision...and I can do ALL things through Christ, who strengthens me.

epic fail (part 2)

2010-03-02T16:52:00.002-05:00

...how I should've rocked it to work...

duly noted...

epic fail

2010-03-02T02:18:00.003-05:00

You KNOW it's bad when your son, who usually doesn't comment one way or the other, says..."What's with the hair???"

A lesson in leaving well enough alone.

Me on Saturday...

I was quite pleased with myself and my shrunken hair.

Me after getting "creative"...

HATED IT! This was sooooooooooo not the goal.

I tried to wet set my hair, which I hadn't done in a year.

Today, I got double-takes, compliments (I figure b/c my hair is less coily), and "wow, your hair is sure growing!"

And just b/c I hate washing my hair in the middle of the week, I'm gonna have to be even more creative as days go by.

I guess it's ok to make mistakes since I'm still learning, but I have placed the magnetic rollers down and have backed away slowly.

it's a celebration...

2010-02-23T17:59:00.004-05:00

I was catching up with my boy, Navy, last weekend. We were having a really good convo and then he asked me if I knew someone that would be interested in going with him to see a symphony on Valentine's Day. Apparently, the young lady, who he was supposed to take, cancelled on him at the last minute. I told him that I would love to go...if I weren't already going to be out of town for V-Day.

He asked, "Where are you going?"

I said, "N.ew Or.leans...for Mar.di Gr.as."

He responded, "When was the LAST time that you went to Mar.di Gr.as?"

Sensing the "tone" in his voice, I said, "I dunno...over 5 years, for sure...why? I can't just want to go to Mard.i Gr.as?"

He said, "I didn't think that you'd be that excited about it. You not going down there to get you 'some'?"

I paused. Now, he and I are tight...and have been tight for over 10 years, so we've discussed anything and everything, but for some reason, (this time) his question was a tad off-putting. But I dismissed it and explained that I genuinely just desired to go home for a few days.

We resume talking about who I know that could possibly attend his V-day event. And then in the middle of the discussion, he tells me that he's looking through his friend, SIP's (remember him...see this and that), photo album on FB and asked, "Why do you have my boy all hemmed up in this picture?"

I paused again. I seriously had to jog my memory to figure out what he was talking about...I even had to find the picture my doggone self. The picture in question was taken over a year and a half ago at his bday party, so why this is even a topic of discussion now is beyond me. I start thinking, "Are we on THIS shit again?" It almost seems as if he is...I dunno...salty with me for some reason.

The picture shows me sitting next to SIP in the back of the limo with my head on his shoulder and my legs draped across his lap. This was after we partied in the club, so I was tired and my eyes were even closed. And if I recall correctly, "his boy" was massaging my legs. SIP and I were in the background, slightly blurred...we weren't even the ones that were RIGHT in the camera. Furthermore, SIP had this big ass grin across his face, so it seems that the only person uncomfortable with the situation was Navy.

Yet, I had "his boy" all hemmed up in the limo. Da nerve???

So, I just accepted that Navy was about to start trippin' and sho' nuff, he says...

"I remember when you invited him to your company Holiday party...and I just didn't think that you knew him like that to be asking him to go with you."

...

"Did you not just ASK me if I knew someone...someone you have NEVER MET...that would spend time with your stank ass...ON V-DAY, no less??? Are you SERIOUS, right now???"

Silence

I told him to call Kat and kindly got off the phone.

I was ready to let this go...

Until I get a text from my girlfriend...a forwarded text from this dude that I went to high school with stating that he was "disturbed" to see me boo'd up with my "friend" in a recent pic. Yes, this negro used the word "disturbed". A negro that I don't even talk to...but has since been dismissed from my friend's list. What's REALLY going on???

So...

Break out the champagne.

It's a celebration, b/c my stock is UP!!!

I got people that mind MY business more than I do!!!

I must say that I am flattered but I'm going to need for some people to get a life...or go play in traffic.

curly girl wonder diaries - 8 month update

2010-02-21T17:18:00.003-05:00

I wish that I could say something inspiring, cute, or exciting about this month but, honestly, I am so bored with my hair. Partly, I am tired of having short hair, but I really didn't feel this way until I went to the Zu.lu ball with my girlfriends, who incidentally have some serious "hang-time" and "whip-action". I got complements on my style, but I miss my long hair.

I could think of all kinds of styles that I could've experimented with...if I were relaxed. An elegant bun, loose curls, bone-straight, etc. The only creative thing that I did with my natural hair was to make a drammatic, red feather clip...which couldn't be seen in any of the pictures b/c I always pose on (what I think to be) my "good side."

Other than that, I have been doing protective styles...and well, there's only so many different ways that I can think to pin my twists. I do like sporting this black crochet hat that I got b/c I can spray my twists with my oil concoction and wear my bonnet on top and hide it with the hat.

I'm not interested in flat-ironing just yet b/c I'm in that "in-between" length. I did a wash 'n go while I was back home. This was mostly b/c I spent weeks in those twists and my scalp was craving a good scrub. The wash 'n go was my best option b/c I was crunched for time while on my vacay.

Eh...it's okay, I guess. So, to protect me from myself...i.e. doing another big chop, dying it some wack color, or gazing longingly at my dear fab.ulaxers, I revisited my coils from months ago.

I put these in yesterday. It took FOR-EV-A! Thank goodness, Mal.colm X was on. I did these on wet hair so they shrunk up higher than when I did my regular dry twists. I think that I made them smaller than what I used to so I may just let these ride for another couple of weeks.

I really don't want to have to think about how I'm going to style my hair for a while. I really don't want to think about my hair, in general, for a while. I guess it's growing but it seems that that's negligible.

I dunno...I'm in a bit of a "hair funk".

Keeping my head above water,

Curly Girl Wonder aka LB

mar.di gras 2010

2010-02-17T16:45:00.009-05:00

Why do I need a vacation to recover from my vacation? I'm not as young as I used to be so I can't do things like I used to do. Mard.i Gr.as is one of those things.

I didn't make any concrete plans before I left. I just wanted a little kin.g ca.ke, charbroil.ed oy.sters, a couple of coconuts, beads, and family. I had no idea "who" I was doing "what" with b/c I want to see everybody but there's only so much I can do in so little time. My dad always makes fun of me, b/c my coming home is comparable to when Den.ise would come home on the Co.sby Sh.ow...you hardly saw her.

To some extent, I'm off "mommy duty", so I take advantage of that when I can.

Thursday (So.ul Re.bels)

OK, so...I left the cold in VA to be in...the cold of N.O. I flew right into some wintry mix of rain, sleet, and ice. I was exhausted b/c of my early flight, but I couldn't turn down a couple of helpings of char.broiled oysters. My "friend" and I went out to eat and then to Le Bon Tem.ps to catch the Sou.l Reb.els. I do not know why I agreed to be out that late.

Friday (Zu.lu Ball)

Went to the Zu.lu Ball with some girlfriends. I had every wardrobe malfunction known to man b/c the dress was too long and I am too short. My stepmother sewed in a wrist strap just so that I could lift the back of my dress up. The gown that I REALLY wanted was damn-near $200, but as much as I tried to justify such a purchase, I couldn't. I don't think that I did bad for $65.

Er.ic Ben.et performed...and well, I was too into my gumbo and whatever it is that some bartender mixed for me. Mysti.kal, on the other hand, shocked us all. I am a fan from waaaaayyyyy back.

Saturday (NOMTOC & Endymio.n)

I didn't get back home until 6 AM. Since, I was supposed to take J to the NOMTOC parade early in the morning, I opted to NOT go to sleep.

And YES, I felt every last hour of NON-sleep. J's God.mother had tickets to the stands on St. Char.les near Galli.er Hall for the Endy.mion parade so we went from one parade to prepare for another. Lawdhavmercy, it was COLD! I had to keep moving around in order to stay warm. At the end of the night, we had bags full of footballs, stuffed animals, beads, swords, cups, and random trinkets. J was one of the few kids in the area so the people on the floats were pelting us with stuff. Let me just say that getting slapped across the face with several beads (in the cold) is not a sexy feeling.

Sunday (V-Day and Family Night)

Went to Zea's with the "friend" for a V-Day dinner. If anything gave me that loving feeling, it was the corn grits. J didn't want to go to Bacc.hus so I was cool with sitting that one out. My nieces and nephews came down from Ba.ton Rou.ge and we had a Wii tournament afterwards. I should be embarrassed to say that the 8 year-olds whipped up on us all.

Monday (Girls' Night)

One of my besties called and said that she wanted me to come over for some crawfish pasta. So I ended up over there with her and my "girlfriend". I was hoping that it wouldn't be awkward between me and the "girlfriend". I don't think that it was but who knows...that pasta was too good to concentrate on anything else.

Tuesday (Mar.di Gr.as!)

And I'm spent!

SUPERBOWL XLIV

2010-02-07T22:43:00.006-05:00

I am shaking, crying, hoarse, and nursing rug burns from rolling around in the floor like Patti La.Belle. One of our phrases is "I Believe" but I still can't believe that I am witnessing this. I don't know if anyone has gathered this from my blog but I LOVE my city!!! And this Superbowl win means SO MUCH...just beyond any words that I can string together.

Immediately after that interception by Trac.y Por.ter, my home and cell phones started ringing off the hook...even though there were several minutes left in the game. I have screamed, jumped around, and even stripped down to my fleur de lis scarf.

And now I'm going home this week...for two celebrations, it seems. Mardi Gr.as and the citywide post-Superbowl party.

Congrats to THE Super.bowl Cham.ps, the New Or.leans Sai.nts!!! You have made me and your city...your STATE...proud!

WHO DAT?!?!

curly girl wonder diaries - hair daze

2010-02-05T18:02:00.005-05:00

A coworker walked by my desk, paused, and then backed up and said, "Wow, your hair looks different."

Acknowledging that "different" is not exactly a compliment, I just shook my head slowly.

I have been wearing my twists this week. I've actually worn my twists weeks at a time, but I very rarely see this coworker, in particular.

It's interesting how one's tastes change. This time, last year..."going natural" was no where near my radar. My hair was long and I loved my Saturday morning rituals that culminated with the roller wrap. I always felt like a new woman when I combed my wrap down and swung out my 'laxed hair.

The only time that I envied someone with natural hair was my bestie, who had been growing out her relaxer for 2 years and getting her chemically-straightened ends gradually cut off. Although she flat-ironed every couple of weeks (and sometimes shorter than that), her hair was the thickest that I had ever seen it. Aside from that, I associated natural hair with what I had seen my other friend sport for over 10 years. At times, it looked dry. At other times, simply unmanageable. It seemed that her puff was done moreso out of lack of motivation. You know what...to be honest, I only liked one natural style on her.

Sometimes I wonder what my mom would think. She didn't respond favorably when my friend decided to go natural back in the day. It's clear that my dad isn't feeling it...and I don't give a f-uh, moving on. (I STILL have yet to understand what his issue is when his wife has been faded up for years).

When my mom moved to N.O. from Cha.ttanooga, she wore an afro. I remember her telling me that as soon as she got to N.O., the women there said, "Oh no, honey, we straighten our hair here." And that was the end of her afro era. She was fried, dyed, and laid to the side, shortly after she had me...too bad that my dad didn't receive a similar memo about his ~~scary~~ jheri curl.

I didn't get my first relaxer until I was 12 y/o...and that was not without begging. I spent almost every Sunday before then getting my ears burned by hot combs and then witnessing my hair revert shortly after I bathed. If I ever got in trouble, that was considered to be a cardinal sin b/c of all the time put into straightening my hair. I figured that a relaxer would be the best of both worlds...I could have straight hair and I could bathe for 3 hours at a time (that's not exactly a good idea either, lol).

Since then, if I felt just one wave at the root, I rushed to get a touch-up. The only time that I broke from relaxing was when I was pregnant with J. My doctor didn't say it was necessary but I wanted to take every precaution. But once I spit him out and stopped breast-feeding, it was on and popping!

So, it's kind've interesting to me that, now, I have somewhat of a natural hair obsession. I remember saying that I would never wear twists in public. This week alone, I've had them pinned up, pinned back, dressed up, and dressed down. I just bought 2 hats to wear to style them up when I'm not at work. It has also helped to have the twists in when I was getting snowed on. And it's going to be wonderful to not have to do my hair while I'm snowed in. I may never remove my satin cap this weekend (except for when I throw it up in the air after that Superbowl win)!

I miss my wash n' gos and hope to get back to them soon. It's fascinating to see what I have been suppressing for all of these years. Maybe, springtime will be the time to revisit. I have no clue when I'm going to flat iron my hair. I used to think that that's all I would do. Tastes change. At first, I thought that I wanted to do it on my 1st year anniversary but since that's 2 days before my bday, that's not happening. I don't even want straight hair on my birthday...never thought that I'd say that. Simply put, it's been done before...several years before.

The only hurdle I have left to jump is the afro. I've picked my hair out once or twice and...stayed in the house. I see beautiful women with beautiful afros, but I just don't have the nerve yet. Maybe I will by the time my bday rolls around. We'll see.

'Going natural' has certainly tested my self esteem these past (almost) 8 months...especially when I had all of this other stuff going on in my life. But I can appreciate the journey and the test.

And I'm just happy to know that I passed.

...

Have any faves? Share your favorite natural-haired youtubers and/or blogs.

And whether you're natural or not, what are your short and long term hair goals?

flirting

2010-02-01T20:22:00.001-05:00

So...I was on the phone with one of my besties the other night and we started talking about this guy that I used to be CRAZY about in high school. He lived one subdivision over from mine...making it easy for him to ride his bike to my house when my mom wasn't home. We didn't have sex but up until that time in high school, he had seen parts of me that no other guy had seen. We went to prom together, but were never officially a couple...he was pretty popular with a few ladies. We had an interesting relationship...yep, that sums it up.

Well, I hadn't spoken to him in over 10 years. All of a sudden, he resurfaces via FB. So, I was able to see that he was married, pretty successful, and looked EXACTLY the same. After we became FB friends, he wrote what seemed to be a 4-page email. Now, my memory is not very good. I have to be reminded of some things, so when he went on and on about how hurt he was when I severed our friendship and how much he valued me, I was confused for a good minute. By the time I got to paragraph 4, I was able to recall what happened.

My mom passed away while I was in college and during that time, my emotions were haywire and I started severing ties with people that I didn't feel were true friends. Now, I remember telling him that he wasn't worth my time but I don't remember why I said it. Oh well. It's not as if he fought for me or anything so 10 years can easily go by without speaking.

So, THAT'S the part of the email that I concentrated on at that time. The rest of it was just a backdrop...until I talked to my bestie. I mentioned something about his always saying something to me behind the scenes. If I update my status and he thinks it's funny, he'll email me instead of commenting. If I post a pic, he'll email me his opinion instead of commenting. I said something about his not wanting to be tracked and started talking about that 4-page email he sent. I focused on one thing; however, she picked up on another. I had to go back and read word for word exactly how he phrased a portion of the email.

He said:

"...you had a birthday party in June and you and I wrestled intimately on the couch a few hours before the other guests arrived. Now, I may be completely wrong. I may've even fantasized about the experience, but that thought made me smile."

So, when I first read the email, I didn't even blink at that statement. But when I read it to my bestie...my married bestie...my married bestie who seems to be the spokeperson for all the wives of the world...well, she became enraged. She probably got more pissed b/c I was laughing...at her. She said that it was totally inappropriate. OK, I won't disagree. I imagine that if I were going through my man's inbox (as I have done before) and come across something similar (as I have done before) then there would be some smoke in the city (as has gone down before). I guess that I didn't get weirded out by it, b/c I was too busy trying to digest everything else and wondering why what I said bothered him enough to speak on it...10 years later.

With a new set of eyes, I re-read the whole email and yeah, he said a few things that made me wonder what his motives were. A few emails later, he gave me his number and asked me to call him but I never did. I mean, "what I look like???" But anyway, even if he weren't married, we still live no where near each other so, to me, it was all harmless.

But was it?

So here are my questions...

If you're dating, in a relationship, or married to someone...do you expect them to never flirt with another member of the opposite sex?

Is that a realistic expectation?

And if it isn't, where do you draw the line?

Is "flirting" healthy?

wake up, wake up, wake up...it's the end of the month (randoms)

2010-01-31T09:31:00.005-05:00

1. Well, one month down. Not as electric as it should've been, but it will get better.

2. So...my check card account number was compromised and fraudulent activity ensued. On Friday, I had 3 charges to my account in the amounts of $108.00, $49.09, and $20.96. Please keep an eye on your bank statements. I can't do anything until the charges clear and so far they haven't, so I may be in the cool.

3. However, I had to change my account number and now I'm trying to recall the different automatic bill payments that I had set to that debit card...so far, I've come up with 4.

4. No offense to native Virginians as I think Virginia is a wonderful place to raise kids (and I hear tale that it's for lovers), but uh...I need to get out of here...if only for a few days.

5. Of course, it is simply beautiful outside right now, but I'm going to need to put on the whole armour of God to clean my car off and dig it out of the snow and ice.

6. I've tried HARD not to listen to fairly recent love/sex songs b/c these so-called "balladeers" are off the chain (and not in a good way) with the lyrics. BUT, I have to give both U.sher and Tr.ey Song.z the "Damn You" award b/c I can't get "There Go.es My Baby" and "Ne.ighbors Know My Na.me", respectively, out of my head. Oooooo weeeee, those are my "closet" jams.

7. Can someone give me an age on Tr.ey Songz? I kinda want to "hurt" him. I know, I know...he's not as "pretty" as I usually like, but uh...I'm willing to make an exception.

8. I used this "Tou.sle Me Soft.ly" Finishing Cream on my twists and they smell delicious. It also has a helluva hold so I may be able to wear these for a grip.

9. I have butterflies in my stomach over the Sup.erbowl. If the Saints win, I may have to...

10. I won't go "there", lol.

11. I made a suggestion to my Depar.tment He.ad (that, IMO, would improve the productivity of my dept.) and it got ignored. I'm trying not to get discouraged by it.

12. Implementation is not necessary, but acknowledgement would be nice.

13. I know that I'm naturally paranoid, but I think that I'm being watched...and I don't mean on the job.

14. There is a "daddy" in cubscouts that reminds me of Jesse. I'm trying not to look him in the eye, lol.

15. My sleeping patterns are still off and I feel as if I am going through something...but I can't put my finger on what it is.

16. I know some people are probably tired of seeing me write this, but I just want to go home.

17. But I'm trying to figure out why I keep getting blocked. It may be for my own good, but I can't help feeling disappointed, at times.

18. My Bishop once said, "Did you ever think that your husband might be in Virginia? Don't be on a plane when your ship is coming in."

19. That convo gets funnier everytime I recall it. I don't believe that Bishop has the gift of prophecy and seriously don't think that that's the case.

20. But if it is..."ain't" Tr.ey Son.gz from VA??? (See #7)

once again...

2010-01-30T14:05:00.006-05:00

...we're snowed in.

I know that my poor car is not amused.

It's during times like these when I wish that I had a husband. Not for cuddling and whatnot (although I'm sure that that would be nice too). I'm sitting here trying to figure out who is going to dig my car out and shovel my steps once this is all said and done. Looks like I won't park in my driveway for a while, b/c I refuse to tackle that. I have visions of my busting my ass near my steps from last month's snowstorm and am not moved to go outside and do a darn thing. I'm just hoping that it stops soon.

I have napped, gotten my HGTV fix, and have eaten all the wrong things. Does anyone watch "Sarah's House"? That's becoming a new favorite of mine. J is downstairs doing something...I don't quite know what. He's come up here to grab paper, toothpicks, and styrofoam (left over from another project that we did together this past week). He was telling me that he was building a "city" in his room but I'm scared to go down there and see what he's created.

I have a whole bunch of chores that I COULD be doing, buuuuutttttttt...I figure if I stare at these dirty clothes long enough, they'll walk themselves to the washer...a gal can wish.

My best friend called to ask me a pregnancy question. I laughed b/c I was pregnant over 8 years ago and I remember very little. I only allowed one person to take a picture of me while pregnant and that was at my baby shower. I have no idea what happened to that picture...and that's probably a good thing. She's annoyed with her hubby and also asked me if I thought it was hormonal and if she was overreacting.

She was...but she's cute anyway.

Speaking of which, I think some ice cream will go lovely with these nacho cheese doritoes. I might just handle up on that and then take another nap and dream of a day off from work on Monday.

Happy Snow Day!